How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high? Is everyone afraid?
And how many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?
- Our Lady Peace, "Life"

Ten Years Ago

"Natsu?"

Eight-year-old Natsu peered up at the woman crouched in front of him. Her hair was dark, and her eyes were a soft blue. She was holding a clipboard to her chest and smiling at him. "My name is Doctor Jennison. Do you know why I'm here?"

Natsu shook his head cautiously. He was curled up on the floor in the corner of the hospital room, hands wrapped in fresh bandages, dirty hair hanging in his face. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and stared at her in silence.

"Your dad told me that you set a fire in your backyard and hurt yourself pretty badly," Doctor Jennison said, giving Natsu a soft look. He scowled at her. "He's pretty worried about you."

"He's not my dad," Natsu said, tugging his knees tighter against his chest. He wanted to be brave but the tears fell anyway. "My dad left."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Kyla said, settling herself on the floor next to Natsu. "It sounds like you're pretty angry about that." Natsu took a shaky breath and nodded, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

"I was just playin'," he grumbled, looking down at his hands. The blistered flesh was visible in between his fingers, but they'd given him something in a needle and it didn't hurt much anymore. "They're gonna send me away. I heard Mr Delton on the phone. He called them and said to take me back 'cause I'm broken and stupid an' nobody wants me."

And then the tears came out in a rush, spilling down his cheeks and making dark spots on the knees of his too-large jeans. Kyla made a soft noise and moved to comfort him, but he jerked away from her and scrambled to his feet, clenching his fists as best he could.

"Nobody's never gonna want me," he hiccupped, edging toward the door. "They said somethin's wrong with my brain. It's broken an' stupid and I HATE IT!" The last few words were screamed as he bolted towards the door, only to be blocked by Mr Denton, who grabbed Natsu's arm in a bruising grip. Natsu snarled, twisting to try and bite the man's hand. "I HATE IT and I HATE YOU!"

"Natsu?"

Gray's voice yanked Natsu back to the present and he shivered. The scene around him resolved back into the psychiatrist's office, and he sighed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Gray reached over and brushed his hand over Natsu's cheek, and Natsu rested his face against Gray's palm. "You zoned out there for a bit. You okay?"

"Yeah," Natsu said softly, rubbing his eyes. "Just thinking." He shifted uncomfortably in the waiting room chair, glancing around at the three other patients. A fish tank in the center of the room provided ambient lighting, and the sound of a waterfall came from behind him.

"It'll be okay," Gray reassured him, setting down his book and squeezing Natsu's thigh. "He's just going to talk to you, right? Nothing bad's going to happen."

Natsu sunk lower into his chair, chewing on his lip. He knew Gray was right, but he'd never had a good experience with a psychiatrist. Even the one who finally diagnosed him as bipolar hadn't been great – all she had done was pushed meds on him and left him to fend for himself.

"Can you come in with me?" Natsu asked. "I changed my mind." Gray gave him a soft smile and nodded.

"Of course." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Natsu's cheek, and Natsu felt himself relax a bit. "Whatever you need."

Several moments later, they were summoned into an office by a cheerful looking man who gestured for them to take a seat across from his desk.

"Good afternoon," he said, closing the door and settling into his own chair. A file folder lay open on the desk in front of him, and he tapped it with his middle finger. "My name is Doctor Dvivedi, which I know is a mouthful, so just call me Ahmit." He had a thick accent and a friendly smile. "Which one of you two is Natsu?"

Natsu raised his hand slightly, shuffling in his seat and avoiding eye contact.

"Wonderful, it's good to meet you," Ahmit said, then turned his gaze to Gray. "Can you introduce me to your...?"

"Boyfriend," Natsu mumbled. "His name is Gray." Gray reached out and shook the doctor's hand. Natsu figured he should probably do the same thing, but instead he picked at the cuticle around his thumbnail.

"Now, I have your file from your old psychiatrist, as well as a few notes from the hospital," Ahmit began, gesturing to the papers on his desk. "They don't always get everything right, though. Would you be able to tell me a little bit about what happened two weeks ago?"

Natsu chewed on his lip, then sighed and finally made eye contact with the doctor. His face was open and friendly, but Natsu still felt his leg begin to tap the ground restlessly.

"I, um... I stopped taking my meds 'cause my foster dad wouldn't pay for them," he began hesitantly. "And I knew I was going kinda manic cause I wasn't sleeping or eating, but I didn't ask for help and then everything was all fucked up, and my foster dad... hurt me really badly." Natsu squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the echo of Don's fist against his cheek.

"And everything just felt like it was hopeless and awful and I wanted to make it stop," he continued after a moment, "so I decided t-to... k-kill myself. I thought it would be easier if I was just dead." He felt Gray reach his hand over and twine their fingers together, squeezing gently. "And I felt so relieved when I finally decided to do it but Gray found me and I still feel so bad about that, and he saved my life and now I don't w-want to d-die."

He took a deep breath, tracing his thumbnail with his index finger and staring at the bookshelf behind the doctor. The books weren't shelved in any sort of order, and the urge to go move them around was almost overwhelming.

"I've been better lately, I don't feel like... that." Natsu swallowed. A plant on the shelf was also off-center. Natsu wondered if Dr Dvivedi realized how distracting his bookshelf was. "I mean, I've still... there's..." He glanced over at Gray, who squeezed his hand again.

"It's okay," Gray murmured softly. "I'm not going to be mad. And I can leave if you're more comfortable talking about this without me." Natsu shook his head.

"I still sometimes think about hurting myself. Like when my... when thinking things gets overwhelming and I don't feel like I can control it. But I haven't done it. And I'm so much happier, and I feel safe and not scared all the time."

Ahmit was scribbling down notes as Natsu talked, and when Natsu trailed off, he looked up and nodded at him. Natsu's eyes flicked around the office again, finally settling on what looked like a snow globe on the desk.

"Well, it looks like the psychiatrist at the hospital changed your medication," Ahmit said, glancing over his notes. "Did they explain the benefits and risks to you?" Natsu nodded hesitantly.

"He was pretty out of it," Gray interjected, rubbing a thumb over Natsu's knuckles. "But we have all the paperwork at home."

"Are you having any side effects?" Ahmit asked. Natsu glanced up from the snow globe and frowned. "The most common would be drowsiness, shaky hands, nausea, vomiting..." Natsu shook his head.

"Excellent," Ahmit said, pulling a sheet of paper out of his desk. "I'd like you to fill out a mood evaluation today." Natsu took the offered clipboard and pen. "I'm going to have you come every two weeks for the first while so we can monitor how you're feeling. If I think your medications are helping and you're feeling stable, we can cut that down to once a month. Do you have a counsellor right now? Or any interest in group therapy?"

Natsu let Gray describe the Creative Expressions program while he stared uncomfortably at the clipboard in front of him, bringing the pen to his mouth and biting on the lid.

In the past two weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems?

Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself
Not at all / Several days / More than half the days / Nearly every day

Natsu pulled his legs up underneath himself, then shuffled until he was slightly more comfortable. Two weeks? The last two weeks had been vastly different from the two before that. He circled 'several days,' then moved on to the next question. Once he had filled out the rest of the questions as best he could, he shrugged and handed the clipboard back to Ahmit, who took it and glanced over the answers.

"It definitely seems like you've been feeling a lot better since you left the hospital," Ahmit said. "But you're still scoring in the mild to moderate range for depression." Natsu shifted in the chair again, dropping one leg back to the ground and pulling his hoodie sleeves over his hands. He had bought one with pre-cut thumbholes at Gray's suggestion.

"What can we do to help with that?" Gray asked. Ahmit leaned back in his chair and tapped at the papers in front of him.

"I'm going to refer you to a therapist that specializes in bipolar disorder and anxiety," he replied, rubbing his chin. "I also want you to do some bloodwork as soon as possible, and if you need to adjust the dosage of your medication I can call to let you know. Otherwise, I want you to make a follow-up appointment for two weeks from now."

Natsu sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and accepting the paperwork from Ahmit. It seemed like he was never going to be finished talking about his feelings.

"Thanks," he said quietly. Ahmit gave him a sympathetic look.

"Another thing I wanted to mention is our crisis line." He fished through his drawer and pulled out a business card. "If you're ever feeling suicidal again, or you want to hurt yourself, call this number. They can send a crisis team to your home or advise you to go to the hospital if they feel like you're in immediate danger." Natsu accepted the card, exhaling softly. "You have many people in your life who want you to be well, Natsu."

"I know," he murmured, standing up as Ahmit reached over and opened the door. "Thank you."

__________

"My brain is so broken," Natsu complained from the passenger seat, running a hand through his hair. A bag of prescriptions rattled around in his lap, and he poked at it in annoyance. "How many pills do I have to take every day?"

"It's better than the alternative," Gray argued, rolling up his window and pulling away from the Starbucks drive-through. "And your brain isn't broken. It's just like having diabetes, it's not your fault. I take medication too, remember?"

"Ugggggh you're being all reasonable," Natsu grumbled, squirming down in his seat and sipping at his frappuccino. He felt exhausted. Even though the appointment went well, talking about this stuff always left him feeling wrung out. Having group and the psychiatrist in the same day just made it worse. "I just wanna wallow right now, okay?"

"That's fair," Gray conceded. He glanced at the clock in the car and sighed. "We probably shouldn't do takeout again, but it's already six and I really don't wanna cook." He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, holding his coffee precariously in the other hand. "We could go to Ultear's, she wouldn't mind. Or we could get sushi."

"Sushi!" Natsu exclaimed, sitting up a bit. After a second, his expression fell. "Hey... I wanted to talk to you about that." Gray pulled up to a red light, then turned to look at Natsu, frowning.

"About sushi?"

"About money, dumbass." Natsu sighed. He could feel his ears getting red just thinking about the topic. "I mean, I have the money from the government now, but it's not much, and... I don't wanna freeload. I wanna help with rent and groceries and stuff. I've been thinking about getting a part-time job."

Gray was quiet as the light turned green and he moved forward.

"Well, the apartment is actually... I own it," he said after a moment. "There was inheritance stuff, and insurance, and court stuff from mom's... death. So there is no rent."

"Oh." Natsu blinked, then reached over and squeezed Gray's thigh. "I'm sorry. Not about the place, but about..." Gray smiled wistfully, tilting his head towards Natsu.

"Thank you." He was quiet for another minute. "Anyway, I only pay for utilities and internet. And Netflix, obviously. It's not much, I really... I don't mind. And the food is no big deal either. It's all... it's fine. Really." Natsu could see the tips of Gray's ears turning pink. "But I mean, having a job is probably a good idea. It would give you some structure. Have you thought about what you wanna do after group is over?"

"You mean school?" Natsu sighed, shifting closer and resting his head on Gray's shoulder. They were driving towards the ocean, and the last of the sun's rays were rippling across the water in muted shades of yellow and red. It filled Natsu with a sense of contentment.

"Mm. If you wanted." Gray yawned again, then took a sip of his coffee. "What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were a kid, I mean?"

"A firefighter," Natsu replied immediately, grinning at the memory. "I think all kids wanna be firefighters or police officers, though." Gray laughed. "But seriously, Laxus and I were talking about his electrician program, and he said the school has mechanic courses too. That might be fun."

"Is that at UM Tech?" Gray asked. He maneuvered into their parking spot and turned the car off, then looked over at Natsu.

"Mmm. It's part time, I think. Laxus said he could get me some information. And then I could work too." Natsu scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, feeling the exhaustion settle even deeper into his body now that they were so close to their bed. "Maybe I can learn how to fix this hunk of junk." He slapped a hand on the dashboard and Gray snorted.

"That sounds like a great idea," he said. Gray motioned for Natsu to exit the car, and they both headed to the building and took the stairs to the apartment. Happy meowed excitedly at them as Gray opened the door. "Tante Ophélie said that I could start the programming course in March, and it's part-time too. It's online though, so technically I wouldn't have to leave the apartment for anything except food."

"That sounds unhealthy," Natsu teased, kicking off his shoes and beelining for the couch. "Man, can you imagine it? Both of us in school, working jobs... it's like we're gonna be real adults or something."

Gray scoffed, flopping down next to him. Natsu immediately curled up with his head in Gray's lap, humming contentedly as Gray began to play with his hair. Gray pulled out his phone and scrolled to the app to order sushi.

"The usual?" he asked, and Natsu nodded sleepily. Gray was so warm, and now Happy was curled up against his stomach. He felt the exhaustion tugging at him, and let it pull him into a dreamless sleep.

__________

The rest of the week flew by, and before Natsu knew it, it was Friday evening and Sylvie was barreling through the front door, crashing into Natsu's legs and then flying over to Gray to hug him as well.

"Uncle Na'su! Uncle Gray! Bye maman!" she shouted. Ultear laughed, rolling her eyes fondly at her daughter.

"J'espère qu'elle sera sage," she said, then repeated herself in English for Natsu's benefit. "I hope she behaves herself. She's been a bit of a demon child lately." Natsu took in the tired look on Ultear's face and felt a pang of sympathy for her. He couldn't imagine looking after three kids every day.

"Don't worry, between the two of us I'm sure we can handle her," Natsu said. He crouched down next to Sylvie, letting her show him the toys in her backpack. "Enjoy your date!" Gray had explained that one of Ultear's friends watched the other two children every second Friday, while Gray took Sylvie.

"Believe me, we will," Ultear said, grabbing Sylvie by the back of her hoodie and giving her a kiss. "Soit sage pour Uncle Gray et Uncle Natsu, tresor." Sylvie grinned at her innocently, then planted a kiss on her mother's cheek and ran down the hallway to her 'room' - a fold-up bed set up in the office. "All right, we'll see you tomorrow for brunch?" Gray nodded, hugging Ultear and then pushing her gently out the door.

"Go. Have fun." He shut the door behind her, then turned back to Natsu and pulled him in for a quick kiss. Natsu exhaled softly, amazed how his stomach still twisted pleasantly each time it happened. Gray leaned their heads together and sighed, then inclined his head toward the kitchen.

"Should I go start the pizza?"

"Livre!" Sylvie came running out of her room, clutching a stack of books in her chubby arms. Natsu couldn't help but laugh at the sight – her hair was pulled up in uneven pigtails, and she wore an oversized Dragonball Z hoodie over a pair of pink sparkly tights. She held up the books to Natsu, who took the stack and scanned the covers.

"Sure, let's go read while Uncle Gray makes supper," he said. Sylvie grabbed his hand and dragged him into the living room. She crawled up onto the couch, giggling as Happy leapt down and slunk off to hide in the bedroom. "Which one first?"

"Princesse!" she exclaimed gleefully, pointing at 'The Paper Bag Princess' and crawling into Natsu's lap. Natsu felt something inside of him soften at the sweetness of the gesture, and he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head.

"All right, but remember that Uncle Natsu's stories aren't always the same as the book," he reminded her. Sylvie adored reading but Natsu struggled with it (and most of her books were in French anyways), so he compromised and made up stories while she looked at the pictures.

"Yes!" She rested her head against his chest, playing absently with his hoodie strings while he wove a tale of brave princesses and terrible dragons.

__________

After pizza, popcorn, chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream, sixteen books, one lightsaber battle, 'A New Hope' and half of 'Empire Strikes Back,' an application of sparkly blue nail polish – for all three of them – and a lullaby (which was just Gray singing "I'll Make a Man Out of You"), Sylvie was finally snoring softly on the cot in the office.

"Oh my god kids are so much work," Natsu groaned, flopping face-first onto their mattress. "I mean she's cute as hell, but I can't imagine doing that every day." He rolled over as Gray collapsed next to him. "Do you..." He hesitated for a second. He wasn't sure if this was something you were supposed to ask a guy you'd only been dating for a week, but Natsu was curious. And it seemed like a good thing to get out of the way in the beginning of a relationship so it didn't cause problems down the line. "Have you ever... wanted kids? Of your own?"

"No," Gray said simply, rolling over to face Natsu. There wasn't any weight behind the words – just honesty. "And it's not because of trauma or loss or any of that. I've just never been interested in being a parent. It's a lot of work and commitment and money, and I'd rather do things. Travel. Buy a motorcycle. Get more tattoos." He shrugged. "Plus, if I feel like I'm missing out I can always babysit."

Natsu nodded, realizing that he wasn't surprised by the answer. He had never wanted children either and had always been told to give it time, you'll change your mind someday. He realized after a second that Gray had asked him the same question, and he shook his head.

"Sorry, zoned out." He pulled his legs up into a more comfortable position. "No, I don't want kids either. My brain problems are genetic, so there's that, and... I dunno. I feel like there's this expectation that I should want kids because I never got adopted, but... I just don't. And yeah, I could always babysit Kaden." He smiled as Gray leaned over and kissed him. "Wait a minute, did you say buy a motorcycle?"

"...yes?" Gray looked shy, suddenly. "I've always wanted one, I just never had the money. Maybe in a couple years." He rolled over and scooted up until his head was resting on the pillow, tugging Natsu up to join him. Once they were facing each other, he threw one of his legs over Natsu's and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, running his fingers through Natsu's hair.

"I knew I was dating a badass," Natsu teased, pulling Gray's other hand to his mouth and kissing his knuckles. "Ever since you punched Gajeel to defend my honor."

"Oh my god I was not defending your honor," Gray snorted, but he leaned in anyway and replaced his hand with his lips, kissing Natsu more firmly this time. Natsu sighed into the kiss, making a soft sound of surprise as Gray moved closer to him and then shifted until he was straddling Natsu's thighs.

"Did you lock the door?" Natsu murmured, reaching up and grasping Gray's hips, running his thumbs along the soft skin that dipped down beneath his jeans. Gray moaned softly into his mouth, pressing their foreheads together.

"Mhmm," he replied, running a hand down Natsu's jaw and nipping at his bottom lip. "But you have to promise to be quiet." Natsu breathed out a puff of laughter – Gray had given him hell several times for bothering the neighbors, but Natsu knew he secretly liked it. He brought a hand up to Gray's head and tugged it down a bit so that he could run his teeth over Gray's jaw. The soft noise that Gray made was exhilarating, and Natsu grinned. He doubted he could ever get tired of this.

"I'll do my best," he whispered, and then let himself go to the feeling of Gray's lips on his.

__________

French Translations

J'espère qu'elle sera sage = I hope she's good/well-behaved
Soit sage pour Uncle Gray et Uncle Natsu, tresor = Be good for Uncle Gray and Uncle Natsu, sweetheart (tresor=treasure)