i'm gonna love you like i'm gonna lose you
and i'm gonna hold you like i'm saying goodbye
- meghan trainor, "like i'm gonna lose you"

"How're you feeling?"

Gray's voice was soft, and Natsu looked up where he was curled up in the passenger seat, a bright blue sucker caught between his teeth. He felt gross from sleeping in his clothes overnight, and he was sure his hair looked ridiculous. His eyeliner was smudged even more now, making his face feel itchy and uncomfortable.

"Natsu?" Gray asked again. "You okay?"

"... yes. Yeah. Sorry." Natsu blinked a few times, running a hand over his face and yawning. "Just sleepy. That bed was shit. How's your shoulder?"

Gray made a noncommittal sound. "It's okay," he said. "It's been... better lately." He turned the corner and Natsu winced, the sun suddenly blinding him. He pulled up his hood and ducked his face to avoid the bright light.

"Do you think your psychiatrist was right?" Natsu asked. "I mean, that the pain's... psycho-so-whatever?" He bit down on the sucker and crunched the pieces between his teeth. Gray looked pensive.

"Maybe?" he said eventually. His left hand drifted up to rub his scar, and Natsu's chest clenched. Gray had been much more open over the last week, and Natsu had plenty of opportunities to see him shirtless, but he knew that the scars still made Gray very self-conscious. "It probably helps that I'm distracted," Gray added.

"Mmm, by your handsome boyfriend?" Natsu teased, scooting over in his seat and sliding a hand over Gray's thigh.

"Hmm. Maybe." Gray made a soft, contented sound as Natsu's fingers drifted up and down the fabric of his jeans. Natsu could tell he was tense, but the stress seemed to dissolve under his fingertips.

"You okay, Snowflake?"

"Yeah, why?" Gray asked, flicking on his blinker and turning onto the street for the apartment.

"We were over there for a long time; you're not a people person." Natsu shrugged, fingers dipping deeper onto the inside of Gray's thigh. Gray shivered, and Natsu grinned. "You and Freed seemed to hit it off."

"Yeah, they s-speak French," Gray said shakily. Natsu could tell that he was trying hard to ignore the hand that was now ghosting across his lap to brush the inside of his left leg. "You are b-being very distracting."

"Am I?" Natsu feigned innocence. "I thought that was a good thing." He increased the pressure slightly, then leaned all the way across the console and pressed a sticky kiss to Gray's cheek. "I can stop if you want." He slid his hand away and Gray growled. "Guess you'd better get home quick so I can keep going." Natsu saw a muscle in Gray's jaw twitch, and didn't say anything when the car sped up slightly.

As soon as Natsu had kicked off his shoes, he felt Gray grab his sweater, and he yelped in surprise as he was slammed back against the wall.

"Ahh!" Natsu half-exclaimed, half-moaned as Gray leaned forward, biting his neck. "You... mnnn... we... ahhh..."

Natsu tipped his head back against the wall and gave up on talking, letting Gray assault his neck and throat with soft, open-mouthed kisses. The hand gripping Natsu's sweater trailed down and slipped under the fabric, pushing Natsu's hips back against the wall.

"Tu me rends fou," Gray breathed against Natsu's neck, and Natsu moaned as he brought a hand up to Gray's hair. "You are unbelievably hot." Gray pressed himself up against Natsu, moving his kisses to Natsu's mouth.

"Fffffuu... ah, god, yes," Natsu whispered as Gray dropped his hand lower and ground his hips forward. Gray ran his other hand underneath Natsu's sweater, dragging his nails across Natsu's chest as he bit Natsu's lower lip. "Ahhh, Jesus Christ. W-we... ahhh... sh-should move to the b-bedroom so-"

"Who says we're going to the bedroom?" Gray growled, sliding both hands around the back of Natsu's thighs. He bent his knees slightly, then lifted Natsu up, pushing him back against the wall and nudging him to wrap his legs around Gray's hips. Keeping his left arm under Natsu's thigh, he brought the other up to brace himself against the wall.

"Fucking... shit, ahhh," Natsu groaned as he settled his legs around Gray's waist, pulling them tightly together. Gray rocked forward, kissing Natsu again and moaning into his mouth with each thrust. "Fuck, you're so loud," Natsu breathed, adjusting his hips slightly and shuddering at the resulting sensation. "I love it."

"It's 'cause you feel so good," Gray groaned, panting heavily. Natsu glanced down at his arm, but Gray shook his head. "'s ok, it's my left arm. I'm fine." He ran his teeth along Natsu's jaw. "One day, I'm gonna fuck you like this." Heat pooled low in Natsu's belly and he moaned, throwing his head back against the wall. "And when I do, you're gonna make so much noise that our neighbours are going to complain."

Tight waves of arousal radiated through Natsu, and every point that Gray touched felt like it was on fire, even through his clothing.

"C-clothes... off..." Natsu groaned, tugging on Gray's hair and getting a sharp gasp in response. Gray dropped his forehead to Natsu's shoulder and rested it there, panting and moaning in time with the rocking of their bodies.

"No," Gray grunted, shifting his grip on Natsu's thigh and pressing even harder against him. Natsu whined at the sensation. "L-laundry room's... ahh... less'n five feet away." He ran his tongue over Natsu's collarbone, then tipped his head up for another kiss. "Just let go..."

That was all it took for Natsu to cry out, tipping forward and burying his face in the crook of Gray's neck, tightening his hand in Gray's hair as he rode out the sensation.

"There you go," Gray whispered as Natsu clung to him, and then Gray was holding him tightly, biting Natsu's sweater to muffle the deep, rough groan that escaped his lips. Natsu kissed Gray's cheeks, stroking his hair and whispering soft things in his ear as he shuddered.

After a moment of breathing together, Gray's grip loosened, and he lowered Natsu gently back to the floor, placing both hands on the wall on either side of his head. Natsu hummed and leaned up, kissing Gray lazily.

"I need to tease you more often," Natsu murmured, then shifted uncomfortably. "Wanna come shower?"

__________

"Gray." Natsu stretched his leg as far as he could without disturbing Happy – who was currently curled up next to him – and tried to poke his boyfriend. "Graaaay." He managed to brush his toes against Gray's sweatpants, and Gray startled awake, blinking blearily at Natsu.

"Wh'sa matter?" Gray asked, frowning, and Natsu couldn't help the fond laugh that passed his lips.

"You're adorable," Natsu said, shifting over on the couch – much to Happy's chagrin – and grabbing the laptop from Gray before it could tumble to the ground. "You fell asleep."

"Hmmm." Gray grabbed a pillow and dropped it into Natsu's lap, then flopped over and nuzzled his face into Natsu's stomach. Natsu could feel Gray's soft breaths through his thin-shirt. "I see you woke me up to offer to be my new pillow." Gray's voice was muffled and sleepy.

"I was gonna ask if you wanted coffee or a nap," Natsu countered, combing his fingers through Gray's hair. "But you've made your position clear." He laughed when Gray rolled over slightly, pouting up at Natsu.

"But... coffee," he mumbled. Gray was adorable when he was sleepy – it blurred the hard edges, softened the sarcasm, and made him delightfully vulnerable.

"You could do both?" Natsu suggested. He leaned down and kissed Gray, who hummed happily. "Full disclosure, it is five already. Wanna order takeout? I don't think we have any more leftovers. We need to go grocery shopping soon."

"Let's get tacos," Gray mumbled, throwing his arm around Natsu's hip and burying his face back in Natsu's lap. "There's that... place. 's not far."

"'That place,'" Natsu muttered sarcastically, fishing Gray's phone out of his pocket and searching for the restaurant. "You'd better get up then, sleepyhead, we gotta walk there..." A disagreeable grumble was his only response. Natsu bit his lip, an idea forming in his head. "Hey... Gray?"

Gray must have sensed the change in Natsu's tone, because he propped himself up on his elbows and looked up more seriously.

"How would you feel about me going by myself?" Natsu asked. His stomach did a little flip as he said it, and he dropped Gray's gaze. Natsu hadn't been alone since the hospital.

"How do you feel about it?" Gray asked. He was entirely awake now, sitting up and twining his fingers with Natsu's. "If you're asking if you're allowed, I don't tell you what you can and can't do. The hospital asked me to keep an eye on you, watch for suicidal behaviors, and make sure you take your meds. And you're doing really well."

Natsu flinched at the word suicidal – it still stung. He felt Gray squeeze his hand and he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"I don't... I'm not gonna do something stupid," Natsu said quietly. "I f-feel like maybe I... need to prove I can do it?" Gray nodded, then reached over and brushed some stray hairs back from Natsu's face.

"I trust you." Gray leaned in and kissed Natsu gently. "And you should trust yourself too." Natsu swallowed, resting his forehead against Gray's.

"Thanks," he whispered. Gray leaned back and grinned at him.

"Just know that if you get my order wrong, you're gonna have to walk there twice, because I do not take tacos lightly."

__________

The trip was entirely uneventful, despite Natsu feeling like he was on the edge of a panic attack the entire time. He couldn't even vocalize exactly what it was that he was afraid of, but his hands and fingers thrummed with an uncomfortable energy the whole way there.

When Natsu finally walked into the restaurant, he couldn't help the feeling that everyone was staring at him, like they knew that under his jacket sleeves was a glaring reminder of his stupidity and incapacity to function like a normal human being.

Unsurprisingly, nothing happened and nobody said anything, and Natsu was back at the apartment less than forty minutes later with their food.

"You okay?" Gray asked. He took the bags from Natsu and set them on the kitchen counter, where he was making popcorn. "Hey, look at me." He grabbed Natsu's sweater and pulled him into a hug, and Natsu practically melted into his arms.

"I'm fucking stupid," Natsu muttered, and Gray exhaled softly, resting his chin on Natsu's head. "'course nothin' happened, I know that, I just can't help feeling all this anxiety but like, it's not like I can accidentally kill mys-" He stopped, groaning and covering his face with his hands.

"This is why you're seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow," Gray said softly, kissing the top of Natsu's head and squeezing him tighter. "You'll get to talk to somebody about these feelings and they'll be able to explain them way better than I can. Because let's face it, I'm a train wreck and between the two of us we're barely functioning human beings."

Natsu snorted. The tingling feeling was mostly gone now, and he was left feeling ravenously hungry. He wrapped his arms around Gray and squeezed, kissing his neck and then stepping back to shrug off his hoodie.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Natsu asked. He grabbed a couple plates from the cabinets and started arranging their food on them as Gray finished melting the butter. "Or we could play Smash Bros again?"

"Fuck that game," Gray grumbled, and Natsu laughed. "We could watch a movie, though. I wanted to, ah, talk to you about something first, though." They had made their way to the living room and were setting things out on the coffee table, and Natsu felt something in his chest tighten.

"About?" he asked nervously. A million things flashed through his head, most of which he knew were ridiculous. Gray flopped down on the couch and pulled Natsu down next to him.

"I've been thinking about..." Gray sighed, and Natsu took his hand. "Those letters. From Lyon." Gray swallowed. "I think I want to read them."

"Gray," Natsu whispered, reaching up and rubbing the back of Gray's neck. "That's big. How do you feel?"

"Terrified," Gray admitted, voice small and quiet. "And... maybe just the first one. Or maybe I'd have to stop. I don't know. But I just... I want to know why."

Natsu trailed his fingers down from Gray's neck to rest them on the back of his shoulder. He could feel the thick, jagged scar tissue under his fingertips, and it filled him with a sense of fiery rage. He knew that this was Gray's battle, but Natsu had a feeling that if he ever did end up meeting Lyon, it wouldn't be a pleasant encounter.

"The answers might not be there," Natsu said softly, more cautioning than dissuading. Gray nodded.

"I know," he said. "But... I want to try." Gray leaned over and bumped his head against Natsu's. "I don't think I can read them myself," he continued, "and they're going to be in French. I don't want Ultear to help. Do you think it would be weird if I asked Freed?"

Natsu pondered the question for a moment, then shook his head.

"They seemed super chill," he said. "I didn't spend much time with them at the party, but I hung out with Bix and he's their roommate. He said that they're like, crazy smart." Gray nodded. "I can text Bix to get their number if you want?"

Gray shook his head. "I have it already, they asked about French tutoring, which they definitely don't need." Natsu felt Gray snuggle closer to him, so he reached out his foot and tugged the coffee table close enough to reach their food without moving.

"If that's what you want to do, I'll be here for you," Natsu said, kissing Gray's temple, then snagging one of his burritos. Gray followed suit.

"That reminds me of something else I wanted to ask you," Gray said around a mouthful of lettuce and ground beef. "Sylvie comes here for sleepovers sometimes. Would it be okay with you if she stayed over on Friday?"

Natsu blinked. "Yeah, of course," he replied immediately. "I mean, this is your place, I don't wanna..." He frowned at the expression of frustration and disappointment that flashed across Gray's face. "Okay, what's that look for?" Gray suddenly looked very interested in the popcorn bowl. "Snowflake. What's up?"

"I... I don't want you to feel like it's my place," Gray admitted quietly. "It feels..." He trailed off, bringing his hands to his face and groaning. Natsu could see the tips of Gray's ears turning red, and he set down his food, grabbing Gray's hands.

"I really like being here," Natsu said softly. "Best place I've ever lived, hands down. Although, the rest of them were shady at best so that might not be saying much."

"It feels like home with you here." Gray's face was bright red now, and he wasn't looking at Natsu, but he looked determined. The rest of his words tumbled out in a rush. "I don't know what you want to do after your birthday, I mean, I don't want to assume. That you want to stay, I mean. Because I want you to, and I know it's only been like a week but this is kind of a unique situation, and it would be stupid to have you move out and then move back in at the 'societally acceptable point in our relationship.' Which isn't to say that-"

"Of course I want to stay, you idiot," Natsu interrupted. Gray blinked and looked up at Natsu, brows furrowed and mouth slightly open.

"You do?"

"Yes." Natsu leaned over and kissed Gray's nose. "Even though you have an entire cupboard dedicated to novelty coffee mugs, and you buy silly expensive almond milk, and you're an octopus when you sleep, and your cat seems to think my head is a pillow." Gray huffed indignantly.

"'m not an octopus," he said petulantly.

"Mmm, yeah you are, Snowflake," Natsu teased. "But you're a cute octopus." Natsu tugged Gray closer to him, wrapping an arm around him and situating the popcorn bowl on his stomach. "Now let's find something terrible to watch on Netflix and enjoy our last night of vacation before group tomorrow."

__________

French Translations

Tu me rends fou = You make me crazy