CW for mentions of violence

__________

i'll carry you home, no you're not alone
keep marching on, this is worth fighting for

you know we've all got battle scars
- paradise fears, "battle scars"

Gray sat on the roundabout at the park near Ultear's house, knees tucked under his chest, hands trembling. He wasn't surprised when he heard footsteps nearby, and when Natsu slumped down next to him, he sighed.

"You'd better not start spinning this thing," Natsu joked quietly. "I get really bad motion sickness – this could be a disaster." Gray breathed out a small sound of amusement, knocking his knee against Natsu's. A gentle silence descended over them, a sharp contrast to the jumble of sounds and images in Gray's brain.

...need to hide... can't let him know you're-.... call the police... a soft knock on his front door... shock of white hair... red and blue lights on the wall... "they're not coming home" ... Lyon's eyes that didn't see him... "it should have been you the first time"... so much blood... sirens and blurry voices...

"Lyon shot me."

Gray felt Natsu stiffen beside him at the words, and his stomach dropped. Please don't leave, he thought, clenching his fists.

"Last year," Gray continued uncertainly. "He... it's..." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "It's a really fucking long story." He felt a soft bump against his shoulder, and glanced over at Natsu.

"Do you want to tell me?" Natsu asked. His eyes were open and honest, and Gray felt that fear again, the terror of tarnishing Natsu's goodness with all this garbage. Natsu must have been able to read his mind, because he added, "You told me that I didn't have to do this alone. You don't either."

Natsu held out his hand and Gray hesitated for only a second before grabbing it and lacing their fingers together. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to begin. Once he started talking, he knew he wasn't going to be able to stop.

"Lyon... blamed me for mom's death," he said softly. "Probably still does." Gray chewed on his lip, feeling his stomach revolt against him. Everything in him screamed at him to shut up, that he could still walk away from this intact. Gray breathed deeply, trying to remember Natsu's words from earlier. You're not going to hurt me. The only thing that hurts me is watching you deal with this alone.

"I'm sure it wasn't your fau-"

"My uncle murdered her," Gray snarled. Fuck, this was hard. "Sorry, I'm not... good at this..." Gray sighed and Natsu squeezed his hand.

"Take your time," Natsu said gently, and Gray nodded.

"My uncle – Jean-Yves – was never... well," he said after a moment. "He had a lot of mental health issues that he wouldn't get help for. When my... parents died, he wanted me to live with him, but he was deemed 'unfit.' He kinda lost it." Natsu rubbed his thumb over Gray's knuckles. "He was in and out of jail, and he was banned from seeing me. I guess he tried to grab me a few times while we were out grocery shopping and stuff."

"Jesus," Natsu said quietly, and Gray nodded. The snow was coming down harder now, and Natsu shifted closer, wrapping his arm around Gray.

"Five years ago, he... showed up at our house..."

"Lyon, take Gray and hide in the basement." Gray's mom's face was terrified in a way that Gray had never seen it before, not even the night his parents died.

"Mom, what's going on?" he asked. She grabbed his hands and peeked around the corner at the front door, where someone was banging on it as hard as they could. "We should call the pol—"

"Your sister's already on the phone with them," Ur whispered, touching Gray and Lyon's faces and kissing their foreheads. "No matter what happens, I love you both. Now for once in your lives, listen to your mother and HIDE. Please."

"We lived in a rural area," Gray said quietly. "So it took the police a bit to get there." He felt like everything around him was muffled; his own voice sounded so far away. "Mom was... she knew he would..."

"What's going on?" Lyon's eyes were wide with panic as he and Gray huddled in the crawlspace – two lanky fifteen-year-olds with too-long legs. "We have to go back up."

"I can't hear anything," Gray whispered, his entire body trembling. He didn't even push Lyon away when Lyon reached out and took Gray's hand in his own. "I'm scared."

"Me too," Lyon whispered, and then there was a BANG, and Gray's heart stopped.

"Mom!" Gray shouted, kicking open the door to the crawlspace and dashing up the stairs. The front door was wide open and there was... He stopped dead, Lyon crashing into his back. "Mom," he whispered. She was so still and there was so much blood.

"She tried to talk to him, I guess, the police weren't sure why she opened the door." Gray could feel Natsu's hand rubbing soft circles on his lower back. "H-he k-killed her and t-then shot h-himself..." An uncomfortable heat flooded through Gray's body, and he tensed, feeling like he was going to be sick.

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, leaning his head against Gray's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"I don't remember much after that," Gray said, trying to push through the nausea. "Ultear got custody of us and we moved here." He focused on the weight of Natsu's hand in his, solid and warm and there. "Lyon joined a gang. I told you that part." Natsu nodded. "After juvie he just got worse."

"FUCK YOU!" Lyon's face was contorted in anger, and Gray flinched away from it. "It's your fucking fault I was there in the first place, criss de traitre." Lyon's eyes were so hard and dark, and Gray searched for his brother in that darkness but found only monsters. "We aren't family anymore." Lyon spat the words, and Gray felt his heart breaking. "Va te faire foutre."

"He disappeared." Gray's chest still ached from that conversation. He and Lyon were supposed to move out together, both finish high school and get a fresh start, but drugs had taken Lyon down a different path. "Ultear warned me that she knew who he was hanging out with, and that they were dangerous, but... it was like he'd died. Nobody talked about him anymore. It was easier to pretend I didn't have a brother."

Gray shivered a bit, looking up into the sky and feeling the heavy flakes tumble onto his cheeks.

"He showed up at my place last Christmas," Gray continued, gripping Natsu's hand tightly to keep his from shaking. God, why did this memory hurt so badly? So much more than the others?

"Lyon?" Gray swung the door open and there was his brother, same hair, new leather jacket. He looked up, and all Gray could see was a stranger with glassy eyes and a sneer on his face. "What are you-"

"It should have been you the first time," Lyon growled, swaying unsteadily. Gray frowned in confusion, and then Lyon reached into his jacket, and then all Gray knew was pain.

"He was high and... and he just..." Gray squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would erase the memory. "He shot me here-" he pointed at his shoulder "-and here." His hand dropped to the right side of his stomach. "I didn't even know he had a gun."

"I can't believe you've been carrying this alone for so long," Natsu whispered, bringing his hand up to stroke Gray's hair. Gray turned his face until it was buried in Natsu's shoulder, and everything fell apart as he finally, finally let himself cry.

"The worst part is, he's right," Gray sobbed. "It is my fault." Natsu made a soft sound of disagreement, but Gray ignored him. "It should have been me. I don't know how Ultear can stand to look at me when I killed her mom." Oh god, why were all these fears just spilling out of him?

"Gray," Natsu said, and his voice was soft but admonishing. "It wasn't your fault." Gray shook his head, shoulders shaking with sobs, while Natsu continued to stroke his hair. "It wasn't your fault," he repeated.

"I h-hate... I j-just..." Gray was choking on his tears now, and Natsu wrapped both arms around him, pulling Gray into his chest and letting him cry. "I'm s-sorry," Gray gasped, not sure who he was apologizing to.

"Was it my fault that Don hit Richelle?" Natsu asked. The words were soft, but they cut straight through Gray.

"N-no..." Gray whispered.

"What about when he hurt that cop?" Gray shook his head, hiccupping a bit. "Then how can something that your uncle did be your responsibility?"

"B-but..." Gray shook his head. There was a weight in his chest now, and it felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Ultear and Xavier and the kids all love you so much, Gray," Natsu whispered, resting his cheek on the top of Gray's head. "And I do too." The last part was whispered, but Gray heard it as clearly as if Natsu had shouted. Gray shivered, breathing shakily.

"Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it," Gray replied, resting his forehead on Natsu's shoulder and sniffling. "I just keep seeing his face. It was Christmas, I thought maybe... he wanted to talk. I dunno."

"Last Christmas?" Natsu asked gently. Gray nodded. "And it still hurts?"

"Every fucking day," Gray whispered, covering his eyes with his hand. "I hate him."

"I'm pretty sure you're allowed to hate the person who shot you," Natsu said. Gray let out a soft puff of laughter. His throat felt raw and his eyes were swollen, but he felt... lighter.

They sat together for a while without talking, Gray wrapped up in Natsu's arms, until the cold seeped through his jeans and Gray couldn't feel his legs.

"C'mere," Natsu said eventually. He let go of Gray, then stood up and reached out his hand. Gray let Natsu pull him to his feet, dusting the snow from his pants. Natsu grabbed Gray's shoulders and pulled him in for a hug, and Gray sighed, clutching Natsu to him tightly.

"All right, come with me," Natsu said. He broke the embrace and grabbed Gray's hand, leading him over to the swing sets and gesturing to the pile of fluffy snow that was just outside of the playground. "Bet you I can land in that pile."

Gray raised an eyebrow, then let Natsu tug his arm until he was sitting on one of the swings. Natsu placed his hands in the middle of Gray's back, then pushed the swing forward.

"Bet you I can jump farther," Gray countered, voice still hoarse. Natsu hopped into the swing next to Gray and pushed himself backward, kicking up a flurry of snow with his sneakers. Gray copied the motion, then pumped his legs beneath him to encourage the swing to fly higher. Natsu stuck out his tongue at Gray, and the gesture was so ridiculous that Gray began to laugh.

He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering summertime with Lyon and Ultear, pretending they could swing high enough to reach the sky. When Gray opened his eyes, he kicked up again, and leaned backwards until his hair nearly brushed the ground on the upswing. With one final kick, he let go, flying through the air and landing directly in the snowbank.

"Incoming!"

Gray turned to see Natsu sailing through the air, and he barely managed to roll out of the way before Natsu landed in the same spot, stumbling and landing face-first on Gray's stomach.

"Oof." Natsu rolled over, and they lay side by side on their backs in the soft snow, staring up at the stars.

Gray glanced over at Natsu, who was grinning at him mischievously.

"What are yo—"

"Snowball fight!" Natsu smashed a handful of snow into Gray's face and Gray spluttered, rolling up onto his elbows.

"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into," he growled as Natsu jumped up and ran off behind a tree, laughing hysterically. Gray began to scoop snow from the ground, and he felt a rush of nostalgia flow through him – but this time, it didn't hurt.

As he launched his first snowball at Natsu, he felt a strange peace descending over him. Maybe he wasn't cursed after all.

__________

A couple hours later, Ultear's front door burst open to reveal two soaking wet young men with flushed cheeks and dripping hair.

"Look what I found," Natsu said, nudging Gray ahead of him. Ultear sighed in relief, stepping forward and pulling Gray into her arms, ignoring the wet puddle spreading around him. He resisted for a second, then exhaled and relaxed into the embrace, resting his head on her shoulder.

"Je t'aime," he mumbled, then made a soft oof as Ultear pulled Natsu into the embrace as well.

"Thank you for taking care of him," she said to Natsu, releasing them both and putting a hand on the side of Natsu's face. "You are good for him." Natsu shifted uncertainly, not looking at Gray. "Give me your jackets and go change into dry clothes. Then I believe Sylvie wants her 'new Uncle Natsu' to read her a story before bed." Natsu's cheeks turned pink, but relinquished his jacket and followed Gray down the hall and into the guest bedroom.

"These'll be even bigger than mine," Gray said quietly, rummaging through the dresser and holding out a pair of pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Natsu took them silently, then began stripping off his wet clothes, realizing only once he was half-naked what a terrible idea that was. Gray didn't seem to mind, which was bizarre because he had never changed in front of Natsu since they had been living together. As soon as Gray pulled his shirt over his head, Natsu realized why.

A spiderweb of white scar tissue stretched from the edge of Gray's shoulder blade down to the middle of his back. Some of it was precise and clean – surgical scarring – but the vast majority of it was messy and uneven. A smaller, slightly less chaotic scar spread from a point lower on his torso, leaving a neat-looking circle of damaged tissue. Natsu realized he was staring when Gray turned around to face him.

"Looks like shit, hey?" Gray's voice was low and unreadable, and he bunched the shirt he was holding between his hands, not making eye contact. From the front the scarring was slightly less noticeable – a star-shaped burst on his shoulder and a wider patch on the side of his stomach. Natsu swallowed.

"Mine does too," he finally said, looking down at the healing red line that ran from his wrist to forearm. "Guess we're both a disaster."

Gray breathed out a small puff of laughter but didn't move. Natsu could see Gray's chest rise and fall erratically with every shaky breath, and he sighed, tugging on his shirt and pants and moving to the other side of the bed. Gray didn't react when Natsu took one of his hands and squeezed it gently.

"They're battle scars," Natsu whispered. He lifted his hand slowly, ready for Gray to flinch or slap him away, and was surprised when he was allowed to trace his fingers over the outline of the scar on Gray's chest. Gray shuddered. Natsu's touch was feather-light, drifting along the edges of the pale skin, and Gray gasped, his hand twitching.

"I just want to forget it ever happened," Gray whispered, reaching up to grasp Natsu's hand and hold it against his chest. "And every time I see this, I can't."

Gray's hand was cold but his skin was warm beneath Natsu's palm. A thousand sparks of electricity were flying between them, shooting up and down Natsu's arm and into his chest. He took a step closer to Gray, close enough to smell the chill of the snow that still clung to Gray's damp hair. Natsu's other hand drifted to Gray's waist, and he heard Gray inhale sharply.

"Maybe I can help you forget," Natsu whispered, tilting his head up and gazing into Gray's eyes. They were wide and scared and cautious and uncertain. Natsu's fingers on Gray's waist traced soft circles, and Gray let out a quiet sound. Natsu could feel Gray's pulse racing under his thumb as he gazed at Gray's lips. "Can I?"

There was a moment of hesitation, then a nod, and then Natsu pulled Gray down and kissed him.

Gray made a soft sound as their lips touched, drawing his free hand up into Natsu's hair. He tasted like peppermint. Oh, god. It was every moment that had almost happened, all the lingering looks lost on Gray's lips, all the brushing fingertips and soft caresses and deep gazes all rolled up into one soft, sweet, incredibly tender kiss.

Natsu's hand left Gray's waist and travelled up to his face, smoothing a thumb along his cheekbones while they kissed. Gray made a soft, heart-broken sound, and Natsu could feel tears on his face that weren't his own. His chest clenched and he kissed Gray harder, touching his face reverently with the tips of his fingers.

Gray shivered, and Natsu used the hand on Gray's chest to guide him back to the bed, then pushed Gray gently until he was sitting. Natsu broke the kiss softly, then grabbed the dry shirt and helped Gray pull it on.

"You aren't cursed," Natsu whispered, wiping Gray's cheeks with his thumbs and leaning in to kiss him again. One of Gray's hands moved up to rest at the back of Natsu's head, and the other slid under his shirt to drift over his back. Natsu shivered at the touch. "You deserve to be happy."

After a moment, Gray brought both hands up to cup Natsu's face, touching their foreheads together and breathing shakily. Natsu smiled, nuzzling his cheek into Gray's hand.

"I..." Gray started to speak, but just looked lost, blinking and then gazing up at Natsu.

"I've wanted to do that for a while," Natsu whispered, pressing a kiss to Gray's palm. The joy that flared in Gray's eyes made Natsu's stomach flip.

They both jumped when there was a loud knock on the door, followed by a petulant voice shouting, "Lire un livre!" Gray started laughing, shaking his head and then pressing another soft, chase kiss to Natsu's lips.

"Un instante!" he shouted back. "Sylvie is getting impatient." Natsu smiled, stroking the side of Gray's face gently.

"We're going to go read her a story and put her to bed," Natsu said quietly, "and then sit with Ultear and Xavier and look at the Christmas tree and drink eggnog because this is exactly the kind of Christmas I never had." Gray's face dropped, and Natsu shook his head. "I'm not looking for pity, I'm just... this is perfect. The dinner, the tree, the gifts, the kids... you..." Natsu trailed off, leaning down to kiss Gray again.

"Thank you," Gray whispered, running his hands down Natsu's sides and resting them on his hips. "And... I've wanted to do that for a while too." His cheeks flushed even pinker than they already were.

"I know," Natsu grinned. "So, after all that Christmas stuff, we're gonna come back in here and pick up where we left off."

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French Translations

Criss de traitre = Fucking traitor
Va te faire foutre = Go fuck yourself
Je t'aime = I love you
Lire un livre! = Read a book!
Un instant = Just a second!