i let you in but i'm so scared of what you'll see
just skin and bones hiding this monster inside of me
- paradise fears, "warrior"

When Natsu woke up on the morning of Christmas Eve, Gray was still asleep. It was the first time that had happened – usually Gray got up at a ridiculous hour, went swimming, and was back before Natsu had even contemplated getting out of bed.

Sleeping in the same bed felt natural now. At first, Gray had tried to insist that he should sleep on the couch, then stood there blustering like an idiot until Natsu had just shoved him onto the bed and settled in next to him. There had been some half-hearted grumbling, and some attempts to shove pillows between them, but once the lights were off, Gray hadn't protested when Natsu had wrapped an arm around his waist and cuddled up to him.

This morning, Gray was the one doing the cuddling, face buried in Natsu's chest. Natsu's shirt had ridden up at some point, and Gray's hand rested on his bare stomach, which was sort of making Natsu's brain short-circuit. It didn't help that Gray was adorable when he slept. His mouth was slightly open, and his soft snores were puffing wayward strands of hair out of his face. Natsu reached over and gently ran his fingers through Gray's hair, brushing it out of Gray's eyes.

"That feels nice." Natsu jumped a little at Gray's muffled voice, then hummed in agreement, continuing to comb his fingers through Gray's hair.

"How're you feeling?" he asked gently. Gray hadn't slept well, and Natsu had woken him from several nightmares. Gray grunted and kept his face buried in Natsu's shirt. "That good, huh?" Gray didn't reply, and Natsu didn't push it.

They lay like that for the better part of an hour, Natsu running his fingers through Gray's hair, until Gray finally let out a loud sigh.

"I'm sorry," he said, leaning away from Natsu and sitting up. "Did I keep you up all night?" He looked so dejected that Natsu sat up as well, frowning at Gray.

"Did you not spend almost forty-eight hours awake saving my life recently?" he asked, eyebrows raised. Gray didn't have an answer for that, just picked at the hem of his pajama pants. "You... were calling for your parents. In your sleep." There was a long silence.

"It's been fifteen fucking years, you think I'd be over it by now," Gray mumbled, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face behind his arms. "But every year..."

"I don't think you ever get over something like that," Natsu said, thinking about the keen sense of abandonment that still stung when he thought about his father.

"I'm cursed," Gray said, voice muffled. "Everyone I love either dies or hurts me." He glanced over his arms at Natsu, and his eyes were dull.

"I haven't died or hurt you," Natsu argued. He realized that he had just included himself in the category of 'people that Gray loved' without thinking.

"You almost died," Gray retorted, and anger flared up in Natsu's chest almost instantly.

"That had nothing to do with you," he growled. Gray looked shocked by the sudden change in attitude. "There were a lot of reasons that I tried to kill myself," Natsu continued, voice sharp, "but you were never one of them. Don't you dare think that you had anything to do with it." Natsu's voice was shaking now, and Gray stared at him with a mix of bewilderment and disbelief.

"But... you..."

"You are not responsible for my fucked-up brain," Natsu said softly. The anger drained from Natsu's body and was replaced by concern. "The only person who made that choice was me. It was a fucking terrible decision, but it was my decision."

Gray didn't say anything, just sat there while countless emotions flickered across his face. Natsu frowned. Was this why Gray was so reluctant to get closer to him? Because he thought he was... what, somehow damaged beyond repair and would fuck Natsu up if he got caught in the vortex of shitty circumstance?

"I didn't... I don't..." Gray looked so lost.

"You know what you did do?" Natsu asked. Gray immediately looked concerned, and Natsu reached out a hand to reassure him. Gray flinched, but let Natsu touch him. "You saved my life, you idiot. You're not cursed, I'm not going to die or leave or hurt you. I'm here because of you." He brought his hand up and brushed Gray's hair out of his face. "And you're not going to hurt me. The only thing that hurts me is watching you deal with this alone."

Gray stared at him uncertainly.

"I know shitty stuff has happened to you, and I'm so sorry," Natsu continued. "But that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy now." Nervousness bubbled in Natsu's chest as he leaned over and pressed a soft, chaste kiss at the corner of Gray's mouth. "Just think about it, okay?"

Then he kissed Gray's forehead, stood from the bed, and left Gray looking stunned and bewildered in the middle of a pile of blankets.

__________

"Uncle Gray!" An excited shout was followed by a tiny girl with a mess of curly, dark hair who threw herself at Gray and wrapped her arms around his knees. "Joyeaux Noël!"

Natsu stood awkwardly at the door to Ultera's house, holding a stack of presents and feeling slightly terrified.

"Joyeaux Noël, coco," Gray replied fondly, kneeling down beside the little girl and brushing a curl from her face. She bounced on her toes excitedly. There were pink streaks in her hair, and she wore a Star Wars hoodie over a pair of bright yellow leggings.

"Cadeaux!" she exclaimed, pointing into the living room. Gray laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She turned to look up at Natsu, who smiled nervously. "C'est qui?"

"C'est mon..." Gray glanced up at Natsu, looking slightly embarrassed. "C'est Natsu," he said finally. The little girl flashed Natsu a mischievous smile.

"Cheveux roses!" she exclaimed, then pointed at her own hair. Gray laughed.

"Yes, he does have pink hair just like you." Gray stood up, scooping the girl into his arms. "He also doesn't speak French, so anglais s'il te plaît." The girl looked at Natsu curiously as Gray moved to stand beside him. "Natsu, this is my niece, Sylvie."

"Hello Sylvie," Natsu said softly. She gazed intently at him, then reached out a hand and began petting his hair.

"Na'su pretty," she announced, and Gray snorted as Natsu's cheeks turned pink. "Come! Presents!" Sylvie squirmed until Gray set her down, then ran off in the direction of the living room.

Natsu felt a hand tugging at the back of his jacket, and he let Gray slip it off his arms and hang it in the closet. He set down the gifts and began fiddling with the too-long sleeves of Gray's dress shirt. It felt strange to be wearing Gray's clothes all the time, but Gray didn't seem to mind at all.

"You should have let me hem those," Gray said softly, reaching out and helping Natsu roll the sleeves up just enough to not cover his hands.

"I still can't believe you can sew," Natsu replied, breath hitching when he felt Gray's fingers accidentally brush the inside of his wrist. Get ahold of yourself, he thought desperately. The air between them had been infused with a new kind of tension ever since this morning, and Natsu wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I'm a man of many mysterious talents," Gray replied. The words were teasing, but the tone was... new. Gray looked unsettled now, fingers still pinched on the sleeve of Natsu's shirt, lip caught between his teeth. Natsu suddenly realized how close they were standing.

"Joyeaux Noël!" Gray jumped away from Natsu at the sound of Ultear's voice, and her glared at her half-heartedly as she came around the corner, carrying a tray of cookies. "Hello, Natsu." Natsu blushed and looked up at her shyly. He hadn't seen her since the hospital, and didn't really remember much from that night.

"H-hello," he managed. "I, uh... thank you for having me here." Ultear smiled at him. Even though they both had the same dark hair, it was obvious that her and Gray were not biologically related. And while Gray's accent was barely noticeable, Ultear's clearly marked her Québecois.

"It is no problem," she replied, smiling warmly at him. "We always have plenty of food – and it is good to see Gray making friends!" The last part was mock-whispered at Natsu. Gray glared, but Natsu noticed he didn't argue. "Come meet the other kids! I will tell them to speak English but they don't always listen."

Natsu trailed behind Gray as they walked into the living area. The room was a disaster, but a beautiful one. The giant tree in the corner was decorated with multicolored lights and home-made ornaments, and piles of beautifully wrapped presents were stacked underneath. A long table was set with an assortment of food, and each place-setting sported a Christmas cracker.

"This is amazing," Natsu whispered, taking it all in. Gray turned back to look at Natsu, and there was something warm and open in his eyes. He reached out and grasped Natsu's hand, who took it without thinking and gave Gray an excited smile.

"It's kinda chaotic," Gray muttered, glancing over at the piles of books and toys.

"It's perfect," Natsu breathed. He looked down as if he had only just realized that their hands were clasped, and his face flushed red.

A frustrated shouting match suddenly broke out on the other side of the room, and Natsu looked over to see Sylvie pushing a smaller boy. Gray quickly let go of Natsu's hand, moving over to intervene. He spoke rapidly in French to the two children, who both looked apologetic. The little boy reached out for Gray to pick him up, and Gray obliged, bringing him back over to where Natsu was standing.

"You met Sylvie," Gray said, "and this is her little brother Renaud." The boy's pudgy face broke into a smile as he gestured at Natsu's hair. Gray laughed as Natsu leaned down to let the boy touch it. "Your hair is a big hit with the kids," Gray joked. Natsu felt his arm brush against Gray's and shivered, using Renaud's squirming as an excuse to move closer.

"The, uh, the little one over there is Félix." Gray gestured to a high chair in the corner where yet another dark-haired child, who looked about the same age as Kaden, was making a mess of some kind of food. "And this is my brother-in-law, Xavier." Natsu turned around to see a slim, blonde man with black-rimmed glasses and a rather tacky Christmas sweater. Natsu immediately realized how close he was standing to Gray and took a step backward.

"I guess the dark hair is dominant," Natsu joked, reaching out to shake Xavier's hand. Xavier laughed, rubbing his head ruefully.

"Yes, they do all take after their mother," he replied, pinching Renaud's cheek. The toddler giggled and buried his face in Gray's neck. Natsu watched, entranced, as Gray nonchalantly pressed a kiss to Renaud's hair. Was this really the boy who had told him to fuck off the first time they met? Or who had broken Gajeel's nose? Gray looked gorgeous, dressed in his cardigan and dark jeans, cuddling his nephew and laughing, backlit by the multicolored Christmas lights...

"Na'su!" Sylvie came running over and tugged at his pant leg, and he crouched down in front of her. She was holding out a toy that looked very familiar.

"Is that Pikachu?" he asked excitedly. Sylvie's face lit up and she grinned, reaching out and tugging on his hand and directing him to a bin of Pokémon toys on the other side of the room.

"More! Uncle Gray! Come play!"

__________

Dinner was a chaotic affair – Renaud and Félix both demanded a lot of their parents' attention, so Gray had seated himself and Natsu on either side of Sylvie to help keep the peace. After spending half an hour playing Pokémon, Sylvie had declared that 'Uncle Na'su' was her new best friend, and was talking his ear off as they ate.

"Wha 'sat?" she demanded, mouth full of food, pointing her fork at Natsu's eyebrow piercing.

"It's, uh, like jewelry," Natsu replied. Sylvie looked at him with glee.

"Me aussi!" she shouted, and Ultear turned to give her daughter an amused look.

"Not until you're sixteen," she said fondly, and Sylvie pouted.

"Combien sleeps for sis-teen?" She demanded of Natsu, who blinked as he tried to do the mental math.

"Lots," he replied finally, and Sylvie looked dejected. "But you already have awesome pink in your hair!" Her expression changed and she stuck her hands in her hair proudly. Gray snorted as she managed to smear mashed potato on her forehead.

"Can you pass the beans, please?" Natsu smiled across the table at Ultear. "Everything is amazing." Gray had explained all of the dishes to him – a traditional French Canadian meal of tourtière (meat pie), fèves au lard (baked beans), coleslaw, and mashed potatoes.

"Merci, Natsu," Ultear replied while trying to convince Renaud to try coleslaw. Gray reached over and grabbed the potatoes and moved to pass it to Natsu, but instead cried out in pain and dropped the bowl. "Gray!" Ultear moved to jump up, but Gray waved her back into her seat. He reached up and grabbed his shoulder, grimacing.

"I'm fine," he said, voice tight. "It was just heavier than I expected, that's all." Natsu frowned. He could see redness creeping up Gray's face and coloring the tips of his ears.

"Uncle Gray owie?" Sylvie piped up, and she stared at Gray in concern. Gray smiled reassuringly at her, wiping the potato from her forehead.

"Nope, all good, tresor." He rolled the shoulder a couple times, but Natsu could still see the lines of pain on his face. Clearly he wasn't fine. He'd seemed okay for the past few days, but yesterday and this morning his shoulder had seemed to be bothering him.

"You had owie at hospital," Sylvie declared, and Gray's jaw twitched. He darted a glance over to Natsu, who tried to look neutral and disinterested. If Gray wanted to keep this private, Natsu wasn't going to pry, no matter how curious he was.

"Yep, but it's fine now," Gray said. He tried to keep his voice light and tried to redirect her. "Do you like your supper?" But Sylvie was persistent.

"Owie for long time," she said solemnly. "Here an' here." She pointed to her own shoulder, and also to her stomach.

"Xavier, I think it's time for dessert," Ultear announced quickly, which immediately drew Sylvie's attention away from Gray. Natsu saw Gray sigh in relief and give Ultear a grateful look as the tension dissipated. Natsu chewed the end of his fork, gazing at Gray curiously. What had Lyon done to him?

__________

Once the table was cleared and the floor was covered in wrapping paper and ribbons, Natsu excused himself to the washroom. Everyone had been allowed to open one present before Christmas Day, and Natsu was still red-faced from having received a gift from Ultear – a beautiful dark cardigan that nearly matched Gray's. It was the first nice piece of clothing he'd ever owned, and Natsu had almost cried when he opened it.

He stood in the washroom for a moment, leaning on the counter and staring at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a hilarious mess, full of glitter and pieces of ribbon that Sylvie had tried to 'braid' into it.

Natsu found himself grinning. He was exhausted and messy and his shirt was rumpled, but he hadn't felt this happy in a long time. No matter what happened between him and Gray, this was a memory that Natsu would always treasure.

He was heading back towards the living room when he heard heated voices, and realized that Gray and Ultear were arguing in the front entrance. Natsu hesitated. If he walked past right now, he might be interrupting something, but if he waited, he might hear something that Gray didn't want him to hear.

"Tu devrais au moins les ouvrir," Ultear said softly. Right. Natsu didn't understand French anyway. Ultear's voice was pleading, though. "Il est ton frère." Frère. Brother. That was one word that Natsu remembered from French class. Shit, they were talking about Lyon.

"Il n'est pas mon criss de frère!" Gray's voice was tight with anger, and Natsu heard a noise like paper ripping.

"Gray, il—"

"Que le diable l'emporte!" Gray shouted. The sounds of the kids playing in the living room came to an abrupt stop, and Natsu could hear a sharp intake of breath from Ultear.

"Gray." Her voice was stern.

"Désolé." Gray's words were apologetic, but he still sounded furious. "Mais je ne le pardonnerai jamais." The front closet opened and Natsu heard hangers rattling. "J'peux pas." And then the front door slammed and Gray was gone, and Ultear was peering around the corner at Natsu.

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, looking down at his feet. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop – I mean, I can't even understand French anyway, and I don't wanna make Gray upse—"

"I have already made him upset," Ultear replied, reaching out for Natsu's arm and pulling him into a hug. She smelled like vanilla. "I am sorry you had to see that. Gray is angry about many things. I should not have brought it up tonight." She released Natsu and then reached up to brush a strand of hair from her face.

"He..." Natsu trailed off, biting his lip ring. "He's in pain a lot." Ultear nodded sadly. Natsu noticed that she was holding a stack of envelopes in her hand, and that the top one was ripped mostly in half and addressed to Gray. "I know a little... I just wanted to wait until he was ready to tell me."

"I'm not certain he will ever be ready," Ultear said softly. She looked over in the direction of the living room and sighed. "I've done everything I can for him."

"I'll go find him," Natsu said, moving past Ultear to grab his jacket from the closet. "I'll bring him home."

__________

French Translations

Joyeaux Noël! = Merry Christmas!
Cadeaux = presents
C'est qui? = Who's that?
C'est mon/C'est Natsu = That's my/That's Natsu
Cheveux roses = pink hair
Anglais s'il te plait = (speak) English please
Me aussi = me too
Combien = how many
Tresor = sweetheart (nickname for child)
Tu devrais au moins les ouvrir = You should at least open them
Il est ton frère = He's your brother
Il n'est pas mon criss de frère! = He's not my fucking brother!
Que le diable l'emporte! = He can die in hell! (colloquial, literally means 'may the devil take him')
Désolé, mais je ne le pardonnerai jamais. = I'm sorry, but I will never forgive him.
J'peux pas. = I can't (do this right now).