i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
- the goo goo dolls, "iris"

Always.

The word was still ringing in Natsu's head when Gray woke him up with a soft shake of the shoulder. Natsu couldn't remember his dream, but that word and the memory of Gray's face when he said it were tumbling through his brain.

"Group starts in half an hour," Gray said quietly. Natsu groaned and rolled onto his back, stretching his arms over his head. He hissed in pain as he felt his stitches pull. Gray grabbed Natsu's arm and pulled it toward him, looking concerned.

"Just hurts," Natsu whispered, and even through the pain wasn't enough to make him cry, he felt the tears ready to fall all the same. Gray ran his thumb over Natsu's wrist, just above the bandage.

"I'll get you something for it," he said, standing and slipping out of the room.

Natsu sighed, wiping his eyes with his other hand. What day was it, anyway? Everything felt jumbled up in his brain. He sat up slowly, kicking his feet over the edge of the bed and whimpering quietly. He felt like shit.

"Come sit on the couch," Gray said, reappearing at Natsu's side. He grasped Natsu's elbow and helped him stand, then tugged him along until he collapsed back onto the sofa. Gray handed Natsu a couple of white pills and a glass of water, which Natsu swallowed quickly. "Better?"

Natsu shrugged, feeling a flood of affection rush through him as Gray tucked a pillow beside him and covered him up a blanket. He shivered, curling up into the corner of the couch as best he could.

"Need anything else?" Gray asked. Natsu blinked up at Gray, then shook his head.

"Just..." He waved his hand vaguely, and Gray nodded as if he knew exactly what Natsu was talking about. Then he flopped down on the couch and began fiddling with the laptop.

Seeing everyone was awkward, but not nearly as bad as Natsu had been expecting. The biggest surprise was that the technology worked like it was supposed to, and they didn't spend forty-five minutes trying to get the iPad in the center to connect to the wifi.

"Today we're going to talk about forgiveness," Mira began after everyone waved to Natsu and Gray. Her voice was tinny through the laptop speakers. Gray grabbed his coffee and curled up in the center of the couch, letting Natsu hang out on the periphery of the webcam's range. Natsu gazed at Gray – he looked exhausted, and Natsu was fairly certain this was his fourth cup of coffee today.

"This is a quote from a young woman named Najwa Zebian that I would like to share with you," Mira continued. Gray snorted, but Natsu noticed that his hand was trembling again. It looked like more than just a medication side effect. Natsu reached out his leg and nudged Gray with his foot.

"You okay?" he asked. Gray shrugged, but reached down and rested his hand over Natsu's ankle. His fingers began absently tracing patterns over the top of Natsu's foot, and Natsu shivered.

"Today, I decided to forgive you," Mira read from the book in front of her. "Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace."

Gray's hand froze, and Natsu looked over at him, concerned. He didn't look as freaked out as this morning (which Natsu was still worried about), but there was an expression of pain and regret on his face that made Natsu uneasy.

"Hey," he whispered, but Gray shook his head. Natsu edged forward slowly until Gray shuffled his legs over and Natsu's feet rested in his lap. Gray moved his hand up to Natsu's calf and continued the slow caresses.

"We're going to be doing a writing exercise today, so you'll need some paper and a pen," Mira said. Natsu groaned internally – he really didn't want to move right now, not with Gray drawing soft circles on his leg – when Gray passed him his notebook.

"It was on the desk at the center... when I found you," Gray said, looking uncomfortable. "I didn't flip through it or anything. Just the one page." Natsu's face grew hot, but it was more embarrassment than anger.

"Thanks," he whispered, flipping it open and thumbing through his drawings. Close to the end was a full-page sketch of Gray, sitting on the windowsill at the youth center, looking grumpy and distant. It felt like a memory from a lifetime ago.

They spent the better part of the next hour journaling. Everyone had to choose someone they wanted to try to forgive – Natsu had struggled with that for a bit, but had finally decided on his father. Natsu only knew his first name – Neelan – and he scrawled it at the top of the page. After that, they spent some time writing down thoughts and judgements about the person they picked. Natsu jotted down a few things, then wrote ABANDONED ME in large letters, scowling at the paper.

Gray shifted his legs under Natsu's feet, but didn't push Natsu off. He was resting his notebook against Natsu's calf, tilted at exactly the right angle so that Natsu could see it. Natsu wondered if that was intentional. LYON was printed at the top in Gray's neat handwriting, and underneath, all it said was I can't. Gray's face was tight, and he appeared to be composing music in the margins instead of journaling.

When Mira called for a break, Gray tipped the notebook onto his stomach and groaned, leaning his head back into the couch. Then he sat up, reaching over to the laptop and hitting the pause button on the webcam.

"You good?" Natsu asked. He wiggled his feet in Gray's lap, and Gray sighed, blowing hair out of his face. He rubbed his thumb over the side of Natsu's foot and Natsu jumped a bit. Gray looked over, eyebrow raised.

"Ticklish?" he asked. Natsu nodded warily, narrowing his eyes at Gray.

"Don't you dare," he warned. There was a spark now, a mischievous edge to Gray's smile that Natsu had never seen before. Quicker than Natsu could react, Gray had grabbed both of Natsu's ankles and yanked him farther down onto the couch.

"Ah! Get off me, you bastard!" Natsu shouted, wriggling and letting out an embarrassingly high-pitched giggle as Gray tickled his feet. "Get... argh... lemme go!" Natsu managed to sit up enough to grab Gray's sweater, then pulled him forward until he had Gray in a headlock.

Gray shouted in surprise, releasing his hold on Natsu's ankles and struggling against his grip instead.

"Y'know, you're lucky I'm injured," Natsu huffed as Gray headbutted his chest.

"Don't think that's gonna make me go easy on you," Gray replied, poking Natsu in the armpit and then yelping when Natsu returned the favor. Gray reached out and pinned Natsu's right hand next to his head, leaning forward until he was practically sitting on Natsu.

"You... 's not fair..." Natsu grumbled as he struggled feebly, but he couldn't do much with his bandaged wrist. Gray grinned, then exhaled in surprise as Natsu brought his knee up, knocking Gray forwards.

Oh. Natsu realized his miscalculation as soon as Gray flung his arm out to break his fall, landing right next to Natsu's face. Now he was sitting on Natsu, arms on either side of his head, face much too close to be doing anything other than...

Natsu held his breath. Everything was quiet, suddenly – the background noise of the group coming through the laptop's speakers was muffled by the blood pounding in his ears. All he could see were Gray's eyes – they looked black from far away, but up close they were the color of the night sky in summer; a deep, rich blue that Natsu couldn't look away from. Natsu could see a thousand emotions flicker across Gray's face as he swallowed thickly.

"We're ready to resume!" Mira's cheerful voice broke the reverie, and Gray blinked a few times, slowly releasing Natsu's wrist and slumping back onto the couch. "Are you two there?" Natsu shifted uncomfortably, dropping his gaze to his notebook. He heard Gray take a deep breath, then reach over and turn the webcam back on.

"Y-yeah," Gray stammered, cheeks pink, and Natsu felt something burst open in his chest as he realized that Gray did like him.

So then why didn't he just kiss me? Natsu wondered, peering at Gray curiously as the color slowly faded from his cheeks. There were a few reasons that Natsu could think of, and he began to scribble them down in his notebook so it looked like he was participating.

reasons gray is afraid to kiss me

1 he thinks im off limits cause i have a crazy brain & hes taking care of me
2 his shitty life stuff makes him scared of being close to ppl
3 he thinks im not into him (is he stupid? i think im being pretty obvius)

Natsu tapped his pencil against the margin, re-reading his list. Honestly, the trauma one made the most sense to him. Gray was clearly interested – evidenced by the hand-holding, cuddling in bed (even though he slipped out before Natsu woke up), and the weird tension when he was changing Natsu's bandage this morning. But what was Natsu supposed to do about that?

He glanced over at Gray, who was focused intently on the laptop screen. A small smile crept across Natsu's face as he tested his theory, reaching out with his foot and poking Gray again. This time Gray didn't look at him, but his hand made its way to Natsu's ankle all the same, and he resumed the small caresses from before the break.

Natsu sighed contentedly, not bothering to keep quiet, and decided to wait for Gray to make the first move.

__________

About half an hour after group ended, Gray's phone rang. Natsu glanced at the caller ID, and was surprised to see Gajeel's name pop up on the screen.

"Gray, Gajeel is calling you for some reason?" he called out. Natsu heard the tap running in the bathroom, and Gray returned to the living room just in time for the call to end. Gray frowned at the phone, then picked it up and hit 'redial'.

"What do you want?" he demanded, and Natsu could hear Gajeel muttering something in the background. Gray looked puzzled, but pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speakerphone. "Yeah, he's right here." He flopped down on the couch next to Natsu, who shoved his sketchbook out of the way.

"Good." Gajeel's voice was echoey; he clearly had them on speakerphone as well. "I, um... I wanted to say... uh..."

"The word you're looking for is 'sorry'," a bored-sounding boy's voice drawled in the background.

"I swear to god..." Gajeel's growled, then he sighed. "So, yeah, that. I'm sorry."

There was silence for a moment as Natsu and Gray looked at each other quizzically.

"For...?" Gray prompted. He propped his feet up on the coffee table, leaning back and throwing his arm over the couch behind Natsu.

"Argh, you know what I'm talkin' about." Gajeel sounded petulant now, which was something Natsu never expected to hear.

"Apologies have to be specific, Gajeel..." the other voice interjected.

"Fine! I'm sorry for callin' you... names." There was an awkward pause. "I was a dick. I dunno why I said it, I don't give a fuck if you like dudes or whatever."

"Thank you?" Natsu said hesitantly.

"You...you doin' okay?" Gajeel's voice was still gruff, but he seemed genuinely concerned. "I heard you, ah, did... I mean..."

"Oh my god, Gajeel, you're hopeless." Natsu could practically hear the boy on the other end of the line rolling his eyes. "My brother has an empathy deficiency, sorry." His voice got a bit louder as he seemed to move towards the phone. Gajeel grumbled something, and the other boy sighed. "As much as he might have been an asshole, I promise you that his apology is sincere."

"Ryos, is that you?" Gray finally asked, frowning. There was an affirmative murmur. "Shit, last time I saw you, you were like—"

"Twelve, I know," Ryos interrupted. "Gajeel tells me you're doing well, Gray, although I'm sad to hear about Lyon." Natsu didn't miss how Gray froze, breath catching. He bumped their knees together, and Gray exhaled sharply.

"Alright, gimme that," Gajeel growled, and there was a rustling sound. "Go do your homework. I'm serious. No, I ain't got a clue how to do that kinda math. Go ask your boyfriend, you said he was smart." There was a deep sigh. "Okay. So, I'm sorry for bein' an ass and callin' you names, it was stupid. Ryos told me yesterday that he's... he's got a boyfriend, and I just want him to be happy. So it was stupid of me to say that shit."

"That's... thank you," Gray said.

"Natsu, sorry for tryin' to steal your meds," Gajeel added. Natsu groaned as Gray turned to look at him suspiciously. "I'm tryin' to be better. An' I hope you're okay."

"I am now," Natsu replied, still avoiding Gray's gaze.

"Ok. Good." There was an awkward pause, then Gajeel added, "I gotta go," and hung up the line.

"Well." Gray let out a deep breath. "That was... interesting."

"He seems... less douchey now," Natsu commented. "Maybe you punched some sense into him."

"I've known Gajeel since he was fifteen," Gray replied, rolling his eyes. "He's... he does the wrong things for the right reasons. Like we all did." Gray's voice softened. "Him and Erza and I...we got caught up with the wrong people. We were all desperate, I guess. Hurt, in some way." Natsu frowned.

"Erza missed a bunch of school in grade nine," he said slowly. "Was that—"

Gray nodded. "Part of the reason I'm still finishing high school." He was quiet for a moment. "It started off as harmless shit – graffiti, skipping school, some shoplifting. But it got dangerous really quickly. When I found out that there were drugs involved..." Gray shook his head. "I left, and so did Erza."

"So... Gajeel stayed?" Natsu asked, trying to picture Gray in a gang. "After you and Erza left, I mean?" Gray paused, chewing on his lip.

"He has every reason to hate me," Gray said finally. "I called the cops on them. Ly- he was selling drugs to kids. I just... I couldn't do it." He sighed. "Gajeel ended up in juvie for a year. So did..." He hesitated, and his left hand started trembling again. "My brother." The words felt like something that had been exorcised, and Gray looked like he might be sick.

Natsu reached over and grabbed Gray's hand. "I saw your journal," Natsu admitted, and Gray didn't look surprised. "I dunno what he did to you, but it's obviously something pretty shitty that fucked up your life, so I don't think you have to be ready to forgive him." Gray sighed, squeezing Natsu's hand and then bringing both his hands up to rub his face.

"Thanks," Gray said quietly, dropping his hands back into his lap. "All right, I'm done talking about shit for today." He stood from the couch and stretched, then walked over to the corner of the room. He returned with Natsu's guitar case – battered and covered with stickers and patches.

"Play for me," Gray said, setting the guitar case on the coffee table. Natsu's fingers itched, but he glanced down at his left arm, and Gray's face fell. "Câlice, I'm sorry. I didn't even think." Natsu shrugged, feeling his face flush. The stitches still hurt, and the doctor at the hospital had said it might be a while before he could bend his wrist properly.

Gray tapped his fingers against the case contemplatively, then snapped the latches open.

"What are you-"

"Teach me," he said. Natsu blinked as Gray lifted his guitar from the soft lining and ran his fingers down the strings. "I'm left-handed so it'll be a bit weird, but you're gonna do the strumming anyway." He sat down on the couch and shuffled over until he was sitting up against Natsu's left side.

"Teach you... to play guitar?"

"Sorta," Gray replied. He pushed the blanket to the floor, then shifted the guitar so it was resting in Natsu's lap. Gray bent his knee so Natsu was almost sitting on his lap, then curled his right arm around Natsu's waist, keeping his left on the fret. "You strum, I'll do all this."

"Do you know how to play?" Natsu asked. He realized now what Gray was trying to do, and his stomach felt like it was full of bubbles. What did I do to deserve you? he thought.

"Not really, but I'm a fast learner," Gray replied. Natsu was incredibly aware of each part of him that touched Gray, and when Gray's arm around his waist shifted and Gray's fingers casually brushed Natsu's hip, Natsu stopped breathing entirely. It wasn't a sexual touch by any means, but how did Gray do that, just keep touching Natsu so casually, as if it wasn't going to make him implode.

"Um," Natsu said. "Yes. Music?" Holy fuck, get it together. "A song, I mean. To teach you the chords." Gray shrugged.

"What were you working on... before?" he asked. Natsu paused for a moment, trying to remember something that would be easy to learn. Then he started to laugh, and Gray raised his eyebrow.

"It's just..." Natsu waved his right hand in the air, trying to come up with the word. "Y'know the word when something is perfect for the situation, but in a kind of funny way?"

"Serendipitous?" Gray guessed. Natsu didn't know what that meant, but went with it anyway.

__________

Gray was right – he was a fast learner. At first, Natsu had to position Gray's fingers on the fret with his opposite hand, which was way more sensual than it had any right to be. After about half an hour, Gray had the chords down, so they worked on coordinating that with Natsu strumming. It took most of the afternoon, but they finally had a playable song just as the sun was setting.

"One more time," Gray said, shifting on the couch and moving his right hand so that it was resting on Natsu's thigh. Natsu swallowed, then counted them in and began to play. He was so focused on their coordination that he was caught off guard when Gray began to sing.

And I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now

Gray's voice was rough and tentative, and it brought Natsu back to waking up in the hospital to quiet, soft words in a language he didn't understand. Their heads were so close together, and the words Gray sand felt like they were being whispered directly into Natsu's ear. Natsu shivered, missing a beat, but Gray nudged him gently and they fell back into their rhythm.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies - yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

Something caught in Natsu's throat, and he felt the tears welling behind his eyes again. Gray leaned his head against Natsu's, rubbing his thumb in comforting circles over Natsu's thigh. As Natsu strummed the last few chords, he took a shuddering breath, then dropped his hand on top of Gray's.

"I'm sorry," Gray murmured, moving the guitar out of the way. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's okay," Natsu said softly, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. He turned and let Gray pull him into a hug. After a moment, Gray pressed a soft kiss to the top of Natsu's head, then reached over to the coffee table and grabbed his phone.

"I'm too emotionally drained to cook tonight," he announced, flopping back on the couch next to Natsu. "We're getting takeout. Pizza or Chinese?"

"Pizza," Natsu replied, leaning back into the couch cushions and trying to keep the hopeful sensation in his chest alive. He noticed that Gray was still holding his hand, and he smiled.

"Find us a movie on Netflix," Gray said, holding his phone away from his ear. Natsu nodded, grabbing the remote. "Just... nothing super scary." Gray looked embarrassed. "That shit freaks me out at night."

Natsu grinned. This was going to be fun.