TW for flashback to the suicide attempt

__________

if you need to fall apart, i can mend a broken heart
if you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone
- savage garden, "crash and burn"

Natsu was dreaming again. Not-Gray was gone, but so was the blood and the icy feeling in his chest. Instead, he floated through a river on a giant lily pad, drifting back and forth under dappled sunlight.

Ne m'oublie pas, je vais devoir m'en aller
Ne m'oublie pas, tu ne dois pas pleurer

Why was someone in his dream singing in... Spanish? French? Natsu didn't recognize the words, but the voice was familiar. He sat up on the lily pad and looked around, frowning. Gray? he thought, as the gentle voice continued to sing.

Même si je suis très loin de toi, tu restes dans mon coeur
Je chante en secret chaque soir, pour que tu n'aies plus peur

And then Natsu was falling off the lily pad into the water, and the dream was shattered. He winced as consciousness slammed into him headfirst. His body felt strange, like something soft was tingling through his veins, and he groaned a little as he shifted his head.

Everything was cold.

Natsu blinked a few times, squinting as he opened his eyes. Being awake was terrible. Everything was blurry, and his head felt at least twice the size it should be. He winced and tried to lift a hand to his face, but found it blocked by something. Another hand? And it was attached to... a person.

"G... ray?" Natsu's voice was rough and the words felt stuck to his tongue, but the image above him gradually resolved into his friend. Gray's hand rested gently on the back of Natsu's wrist, and when Natsu looked down, he realized it was to prevent him from pulling out the IV taped there. Why did have an IV? "W... where..."

"The hospital." Gray's voice was softer than Natsu had ever heard it, barely a whisper. Natsu frowned as the hand that had been resting on his wrist slipped into his, fingers curling around his palm. He heard a chair scrape the floor, and Gray slumped down into it, leaning forward onto the bed. "What do you remember?"

"I..." Natsu felt like he was drowning. Everything was so far away. What had happened? He tried to take a breath but found that it was stuck in his chest. A machine started to beep somewhere close by.

"It's okay." Gray squeezed his hand and Natsu clung to it like a lifeline. "Take deep breaths." Gray's other hand came up to gently stroke Natsu's hair as Natsu struggled to bring his breathing back to normal. "You're okay, you're safe."

Natsu squeezed Gray's hand again, feeling a sharp shock of panic as somebody else entered the room.

"He just woke up," Gray explained to the taller figure, who was checking the machine and then leaning over Natsu. It was a blonde woman with soft features and a white jacket. A doctor. Was he sick?

"He'll likely be disoriented for a bit," the woman replied, wrapping something around Natsu's arm. "Can you tell me your name, love?" She had a British accent. Natsu contemplated her question for a moment. She kept moving in and out of focus.

"N-natsu," he said finally, still clinging to Gray's hand. Gray let him, rubbing Natsu's knuckles with his thumb.

"Good, do you know where you are?" Something squeezed his upper arm tightly and the doctor glanced down at her watch.

"The... hospital?" Natsu really only knew that because Gray had told him, but she nodded, and the squeezing stopped. Natsu suddenly realized that his left arm hurt – a deep, throbbing ache. His stomach hurt too, and he felt like he might be sick.

"Well, Natsu, your friend here saved your life." The doctor made a note of something on a clipboard and turned to Gray, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You're lucky he found you when he did – we had to do a massive blood transfusion."

"Found... blood... what?" Natsu rubbed his eyes, refusing to release his grip on Gray's hand. It felt like the only thing grounding him to reality – without it he was going to just drift away. His head was throbbing now, and the urge to vomit overwhelmed him.

Before he knew what was happening, the doctor had helped him turn on his side and throw up into some sort of pan. It burned his throat, and he tried to focus on Gray's hand, rubbing gentle circles on his lower back. Hot tears pricked behind Natsu's eyes, and he sucked in a shuddering breath. After the waves of nausea passed, he accepted a small cup of water from the doctor.

"Nausea and vomiting are not uncommon side effects of the medication we gave him for the overdose," the doctor said, but Natsu had the feeling she was talking to Gray and not him. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sagged back onto the bed. "He'll probably also have stomach cramps, and might be confused for some time."

Natsu looked up blearily at Gray, and noticed for the first time that Gray's eyes were red and swollen.

"Are...y'kay?" Natsu mumbled. Gray smiled sadly.

"I will be," Gray said, reaching out and brushing a few sweaty strands of hair back from Natsu's face. Natsu closed his eyes and sighed. A small part of his brain realized that this level of affectionate behavior was out of character for Gray, but another, bigger part of him just revelled in the attention.

"The psychiatrist will be by later this morning," the doctor said, and Natsu frowned. What was his psychiatrist doing here? He was feeling fuzzy again. Why was it so cold?

The doctor left, and Natsu felt Gray looking at him curiously. Natsu frowned, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to remember what it was that was niggling at the back of his mind.

"Don," he gasped suddenly, stiffening in panic. "Fuck, he's gonna..." Gray shook his head, gripping Natsu's hand firmly.

"The hospital didn't notify him," Gray said, and Natsu exhaled sharply in relief, lying back and closing his eyes. He was so tired. "Go back to sleep, we can talk when you're feeling better."

Gray readjusted his hand in Natsu's but didn't let go. Natsu turned to face Gray, frowning uncertainly.

"Could you..." He trailed off, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"I'm not going anywhere," Gray replied, leaning forward onto the bed again and resting his head next to Natsu' shoulder. "I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

__________

When Natsu woke up the second time, it was to fine, dark hairs tickling his nose. He looked down and realized that he had shifted in his sleep, and his face was now pressed against the side of Gray's head.

He sat up slowly, careful not to disturb Gray, and took a few deep breaths to make sure he wasn't going to throw up again. His stomach still felt terrible and his head was pounding, and he still felt uncertain about why he was here. He tried to put the pieces together, frowning at the muddy confusion in his brain. His arm still hurt, and he looked down to see it bandaged from wrist to elbow.

Then it hit him.

Texting Lucy and Gray to say goodbye... sitting on the floor in the storage closet and hoping it wouldn't hurt too badly... feeling the soft buzz as the drugs flooded his system... the blade pushing into his skin and the warmth of his blood as it flooded out of him.

"Shit." Natsu's voice was barely a whisper as he screwed his eyes shut and fought against the pressure of tears. He swallowed a sob, gently disentangling his hand from Gray's so he could bring it up to cover his face. What the hell had he done?

"Natsu?" Gray's voice was soft with sleep, and Natsu shook his head, bringing his knees up and burying his face in his arms. He felt the tears beginning to spill down his face, and couldn't stop the anguished sound that escaped from his lips.

The bed dipped as Gray moved from the chair and sat down on the mattress facing Natsu, wrapping his arms around Natsu's shoulders and pulling him close without hesitation. Natsu struggled for a second, but when his head hit Gray's shoulder, the dam broke open and he began to cry in earnest.

"Deep breaths," Gray whispered, running a comforting hand over Natsu' bask. "You're okay. You're safe." He was quiet for a moment, then added, "I'm here."

Natsu's breathing came in gasps; heartbroken sobs muffled by Gray's t-shirt. His shoulders shook and he clung to the thin fabric until his hands hurt.

"I'm sorry," he choked out, chest trembling as Gray continued to rub his back.

"I was so scared," Gray whispered, voice breaking as he buried his face in Natsu's hair. "I th-thought you were dead." Natsu felt Gray's hand move up to wrap around the back of his neck and stroke his hair. He took a shuddering breath, pressing himself even tighter against Gray's chest. "It's okay now," Gray murmured, and Natsu wasn't certain which of them he was trying to reassure.

Natsu wasn't certain how long they sat like that, him wrapped tightly in Gray's arms, but when they finally broke apart, he felt exhausted. He scrubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, careful not to pull too hard on the IV. Gray stood up and stretched, and Natsu saw him wince at that same familiar place in his shoulder. He was about to ask about it when something hit him.

"How did you know about Don?" Natsu demanded. He felt his defenses creeping back up as he realized what a vulnerable position he was actually in. How much did Gray know?

"I guessed," Gray said slowly. He moved back over to the bed and sat down in the chair. "We can talk about it later. We have more important stuff to talk about right now." Natsu frowned, turning to face Gray. He reached his hand out a little, and was surprised when Gray took it.

"What do you mean?"

"We need to talk about where you're gonna go now." Something heavy in Natsu's chest slammed shut. He couldn't let Gray into this fucked up mess. He tried to tug his hand away, but Gray held on tighter. "NO." Natsu looked at Gray in surprise and realized that Gray was glaring at him. "You're not gonna pull this shit where you pretend that you can handle everything on your own. Look where that got you!"

"Fuck you," Natsu growled, regretting the words immediately but unable to stop them from escaping. He tried to look angry, but his terrified stare paled in comparison to Gray's icy gaze.

"You can call me whatever names you want," Gray said, in a quietly dangerous voice. "You can tell me to fuck off, you can yell at me, you can be angry at me. I don't care. But I am never going through this again. NEVER." Natsu blinked, reacting to Gray's stare with a tumult of emotions.

"But..." He swallowed, taking a shaky breath. "I don't... I don't want to drag you into this..."

"You already did!" Gray shouted, taking Natsu by surprise. Gray's eyes were brimming with tears again, but his jaw was set in anger. "I got dragged into it when I found you high and half dead in a puddle of your own fucking blood, you idiot!"

Natsu froze. Found him? He'd assumed that Gray had just... what had he assumed? Fucking hell.

"You... found me?" Natsu had never expected... never thought...

"What do you think this is?" Gray said quietly, gesturing to the dark red splotches on the knees of his pants. Natsu's eyes widened and his heart sank. "I'm not surprised you don't remember." Gray threaded their fingers together, and Natsu was surprised to realize that they were still holding hands. "You were pretty out of it. I had- I broke the door. Y-you..."

"I'm so sorry." Natsu felt like he was going to be sick again. He ran his thumb over Gray's knuckles, hoping it was enough to communicate how he felt. It must have been, because the anger dissolved from Gray's face and he just looked tired again.

"Please let me help you," Gray said sadly. "You don't have to do this alone." Natsu sighed.

"But I've been doing it alone for so long." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could think about them, and the emotion behind them surprised him. "I've been in eight different foster homes since I was three. This one was okay until his wife died a couple years ago. He started drinking and it just went to shit." Natsu took a deep breath.

"You've been living on the street, haven't you?" Gray asked. Natsu didn't look up, just nodded sadly. "Why didn't you say anything?" Natsu shrugged, and Gray sighed. "Listen, my sister is a social worker. She talked to yours – don't even bother getting mad, you can do that later – and they won't send you back to him."

Gray's gaze drifted over the bruise on Natsu's face, and Natsu raised a hand to it self-consciously.

"Th-then where do I go?" His voice sounded small and childish. Gray looked uncomfortable.

"She said you can stay with a responsible adult that the agency and the hospital agree is safe." He sounded like he was reading from a pamphlet, and Natsu frowned at him.

"But I don't...have anyone else..." The last word almost formed a question. Gray groaned, burying his face in the side of the bed.

"I am twenty," he mumbled, voice muffled by the blankets. "I have a job and my own apartment, which technically makes me a responsible adult." Natsu blinked as he realized what Gray was implying.

"You mean... live with you?" Natsu turned the idea over in his head. Gray's head was right next to his arm, and Natsu felt a strong urge to reach out and stroke Gray's hair. He hesitated for a moment, then figured fuck it, I can blame it on the drugs later if it gets weird. Gray stiffened for only a second as Natsu's fingers wound into his hair, then he sighed out loud and leaned into the touch.

"Yeah," Gray said, resting his chin on his arm. "You're old enough- there's a word for it, but you basically wouldn't have a guardian anymore. I wouldn't be legally responsible for you or anything, but you'd have to live with me until you turned eighteen." He tipped his head up slightly and met Natsu's gaze. "I know it's not... ideal. I just..." He trailed off, sighing in frustration.

"Thank you," Natsu whispered. Gray's hair was so soft, like silk under his fingers. He thought he saw a small smile on Gray's face before it became serious again.

"The psychiatrist is coming in a little bit," Gray said. "Before they discharge you, they're making up a treatment plan. If you come stay with me, you're going to have to let me help you." Natsu frowned. "They're going to make me lock up the meds and give them to you, and make sure you take them."

"But they taste like ass," Natsu whined, realizing that it was probably the stupidest argument he could make, and Gray actually laughed at that. Then he was quiet for a moment.

"What I mean is that there's gonna be rules," he said finally. "And even if you don't want to take that seriously, I do." Natsu had stopped playing with Gray's hair briefly, and was amused to feel Gray unconsciously nudging him to continue. "I just..." Gray buried his face in his arms again, and Natsu could see that his ears were turning red.

"I'll follow the rules," Natsu whispered, tentatively trailing one of his fingers behind Gray's ear while he stroked his hair. He felt rather than heard the shaky exhalation. "I don't... I don't wanna be like this." Gray glanced up at him, cheeks pink. "I wanna get better."

"Good," Gray said roughly. "Because I, um... I care about you." He cleared his throat. "A lot."

Natsu felt tears welling up in his eyes again as he squeezed Gray's hand and smiled down at him.

"I care about you a lot too."

__________

A/N: The song Gray is singing is a French version of "Remember Me" from the movie Coco, these are the original English lyrics (please remember this is not a direct translation).

Remember me, though I have to say goodbye
Remember me, don't let it make you cry
For ever if I'm far away I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart