TW hidden at bottom for spoilers

__________

i remember feeling low and i remember losing hope

and i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
- our lady peace, "innocent"

When Gray's phone rang that evening and Lucy's name popped up on the caller ID, he immediately knew something was wrong.

"Is Natsu with you?" Her voice sounded strained.

"No," Gray replied, pushing his computer chair away from his desk. "I offered him a ride after group and he said he was staying there to work on some new music."

Natsu had been uncharacteristically quiet after their encounter in the bathroom that morning, declining to share in group and then spending practice time in the corner, scribbling in his notebook. The strangest thing of all had been the way Natsu had grabbed Gray's wrist as he had turned to leave, then pulled Gray into an awkward side hug and whispered thank you into his ear.

"I just sent you a screenshot," Lucy said. Gray pulled his phone away from his ear, flipped the sound to speakerphone, and opened his texts. Lucy had sent him an image of her message history with Natsu, centered on the most recent text from him.

i'm sorry for everything, luce. your a great friend. its not your fault.

Gray's breath caught in his chest, and a chill ran up his arms. His text alert dinged again, and he saw a message from Natsu pop up.

thanks for taking care of me. your a good person. its not your fault.

"Shit," Gray swore, typing out a quick reply. Where are you? I'm coming to get you. Don't do anything stupid. "He just texted me too." He could hear Lucy let out a shuddering sob on her end of the phone.

"I'm so scared," she whispered. "You were right. This is worse than before."

"He ran out of time to tell me about that on his own terms," Gray growled, grabbing his jacket and keys and darting down the stairs two at a time. "What's wrong with him?" Lucy sniffed.

"He's bipolar," she said softly. "He... had a really bad bit a while back, and hurt himself pretty badly." She paused for a second. "He has meds now but I don't think he's taking them." Gray threw his car door open, slid into the driver's seat, and tucked his phone into the breast pocket of his jacket so he could still hear Lucy.

"I'm on my way back to the Center," he said, slamming the car into drive and pulling a u-turn out of his parking spot. "I should be there in fifteen minutes, less if I don't hit any red lights." I'll blow through them anyway, he thought. "You call the police."

"B-but..." Lucy faltered. "The police will call his foster dad."

Gray took a deep breath, clenching his hands around the steering wheel and sliding through a yellow light. The road was icy tonight, and the swirling snow made it hard to see.

"Is that who hit him?" he asked. His voice was hard and angry, and he knew it wasn't fair to Lucy but he was just so fucking scared.

"I... I think so." She sounded so broken and dejected, and he could hear her crying. "He n-never t-tells me anything." Gray glanced around for cop cars before blowing through a stop sign. "My dad won't help, h-he just says N-natsu is a bad influence."

"It's not your fault," Gray said, softening his voice as he echoed the sentiment in Natsu's text. He tried to remember that Lucy was only sixteen, scared and uncertain. "I'll be there soon, and I'll text you as soon as I know anything."

"Thank you, Gray." She took a shaky breath. "You're a good person." Gray snorted. Why did people keep telling him that? "I'll let you know if I hear from him again."

Gray hung up and immediately tried to call Natsu, only to reach the irritating the number you dialed is currently unavailable, please try again later message that made Gray want to throw his phone out the window. He sent another text with one hand while navigating the roads with the other. Answer your phone. Please.

When he finally arrived at the Youth Center, Gray threw the car into park and jumped out, dashing across the parking lot and slamming the front door open. It was getting late – almost ten thirty, but there was always someone here until midnight.

"Natsu?" Gray shouted, peeking into the common room but seeing nobody except Graham – one of the supervisors. "Hey, have you seen a kid with pink hair? Bit shorter than me, piercings?" The man looked up from his phone and nodded.

"Yeah, half an hour ago maybe? I think he was heading to the art room." Gray didn't bother thanking him, just dashed down the corridor, heart pounding.

"Natsu! You in here?" The tables in the art room were mostly cleared, but Gray's sharp eyes found a familiar black backpack shoved underneath a desk in the corner. As he approached, Gray realized that Natsu's notebook was laying on the table, open to the assignment from group today.

i cant forgive myself...
for letting Don hit me
for not fighting back
for having a fucked up brain
for making Gray take care of me when i was wasted cause i don't deserve it

Gray's chest clenched as he read the words. The list was long, but at the very bottom, two lines stood out.

for being too weak to do it right the first time
for leaving a mess behind for someone else to find

The last word was smeared, and Gray felt the unease under his skin become icy dread. He glanced around the classroom again, then his gaze fell on the unused storage room at the back. It was closed, which wasn't abnormal, but Gray could see a light underneath the door. Shit. Gray skidded over to the door, trying the handle. Locked.

"Natsu!" Gray's voice sounded strange in his own ears. "Natsu, are you in there?" He banged on the door again and got no response, but when he bent down, he could see a dark silhouette. "Natsu!" No answer. Panic raced through Gray's body, and he jiggled the handle again. "Natsu, open the fucking door!"

This time, he heard a soft voice slurring words together.

"Fuck." Gray wrenched on the handle, but the door stayed locked. "Natsu! Can you hear me? Open the door!" There was no response.

Gray growled and then slammed his shoulder into the door, grunting as pain sparked down his side. He shook it off and did it again, this time hearing a satisfying crack as the wood began to give way. He switched shoulders and threw himself forward one last time, stumbling forward as the lock broke and the door swung open.

"Holy shit."

Gray dropped to his knees next to Natsu, who was leaning against the wall and gazing ahead of him, eyes unfocused. He cradled his left arm next to his stomach, and Gray could see a deep, jagged gash running from Natsu's wrist to the middle of his forearm. Blood spilled down over Natsu's legs and was pooling on the floor. Gray felt faint, like he couldn't suck in enough air.

Natsu made a weak sound of confusion, and it snapped Gray out of his shock. He whipped out his phone and dialed 9-1-1, setting it on the floor and turning it to speakerphone. Then he tore off his hoodie and pressed it against Natsu's arm.

"GRAHAM!" Gray shouted. "You're gonna be okay," he whispered to Natsu, who blinked at him slowly. God, he hoped he wasn't lying.

"9-1-1, do you need police, fire or ambulance?" The woman's voice was tinny.

"A-ambulance," Gray replied, trying to take deep breaths. Natsu wasn't resisting, just gazing at Gray with unfocused eyes. His skin was clammy and he had started to shiver.

"What is the address of your emergency?"

"M-magnolia Youth Center." Gray's hands were shaking so badly that he could barely hold the sweater in place, and he could feel the blood soaking through it already.

"What's your name, sir?"

"G-gray. M-my friend tried to kill himself, he's bleeding everywhere and I d-don't know how to stop it." Panic was creeping into Gray's voice. He suddenly noticed a small razor blade in Natsu's right hand and he grabbed it angrily, throwing it across the bathroom. Natsu didn't react.

"All right Gray, an ambulance is on its way, it should arrive in less than five minutes. I need you to stay calm for me, okay?" Gray didn't respond. He was NOT calm. "Are you putting pressure on the wound?" Gray mumbled an affirmative. "Good. What's your friend's name?"

"N-natsu." Gray reached up and tapped Natsu's face a couple times, feeling somewhat encouraged when the slow gaze moved toward his. Natsu's pupils were tiny points, barely visible in the seas of his irises. "Look at me," Gray whispered. "C'mon..."

"Has he physically harmed himself?" the dispatcher asked. "Or has he taken anything – pills or alcohol?"

"Uh, yeah, h-he cut his arm, it's really deep." Gray tried to keep Natsu's gaze. "He seems really out of it, I think he – oh wait, I think I found them." He reached past Natsu's leg and found an empty pill container on the ground. "It's, um..." The name on the label was unfamiliar, and Gray didn't recognize the medication. He spelled it out to the operator. "Natsu, how many of these did you take?"

"D'nno," Natsu slurred, head lolling to one side. Fuck.

"T-the bottle says it had sixty in it, I dunno how many he took." Gray could hear the operator typing something. That couldn't be good. Shit, shit, shit.

"G-gray," Natsu mumbled, gesturing feebly at the pool of blood surrounding them. Gray could feel it soaking through the knees of his jeans. He breathed deeply to quell his nausea. "'M s-rry."

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Graham had finally appeared, and was staring at Gray in shock. "Gray, what-"

"I'm on the phone with 9-1-1, ambulance is on its way, go let them in." The words came out of Gray's mouth in a rush, and when Graham hesitated, Gray shouted, "GO!"

He turned back to Natsu, dropping the pill container and resting his hand on Natsu's cheek – Natsu was freezing, and his lips were taking on a bluish tinge. Gray didn't know much about medicine, but he was fairly certain this wasn't a good sign.

"Stay with me," he whispered, pressing harder on the makeshift bandage around Natsu's arm. "Please." Suddenly, Natsu's breath started to stutter erratically. Gray swore, watching helplessly as Natsu gasped for air.

"Fuck," he whispered. "He's having trouble breathing. It's like he's... drowning or something." His voice broke and he felt himself starting to cry. "Natsu, c'mon, please..."

"Is he still conscious?" the dispatcher asked. Natsu's breathing was shallow now, but he wasn't struggling, and his eyes fluttered closed.

"I don't know," Gray said, his voice catching. "H-he won't look at me." He felt himself beginning to hyperventilate.

"The ambulance is there now." Gray nodded, hearing the wail of sirens and then a clang as the main door opened. Please, please don't die.

"In here!" Gray heard Graham shouting and the sound of footsteps in the hallway. A young woman in a blue uniform slipped into the storage room, followed shortly by a man with dark hair.

"I can take over from here," the woman said to Gray gently. He tried to argue, but the man pulled Gray away from Natsu's still body.

"My name is Matt," he said. "Are you hurt?" Gray didn't answer, eyes fixed on Natsu. "Okay, we're going to help your friend right now. Is there someone you need to call?"

Gray finally looked up at the EMT and shook his head. Graham hovered in the background, talking quietly on his cell phone.

"Matt, I need oxygen," the female paramedic demanded. Matt placed a gentle hand on Gray's arm, then moved to help his coworker. A flurry of technical terms flew between them, and Gray backed into the wall and slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor, staring at his bloody hands. There was so much blood. Gray swallowed down a wave of nausea, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

"Is he gonna be okay?" His voice was barely more than a whisper, and neither of the paramedics heard him as they lifted Natsu's unconscious body onto the stretcher. An IV ran from Natsu's right hand, and an oxygen mask rested over his face.

"Are you coming in the ambulance?" Matt asked. Gray stared for a moment, then nodded slowly. He managed to grab Natsu's bag on the way out the door, shoving the notebook inside the front pocket.

Gray felt like he was sleepwalking as he slid into the passenger seat of the ambulance. Matt hopped in next to him and flipped the sirens on as they sped out of the parking lot and onto the road. Gray rested his forearms on his knees, breathing frantic. The woman in the back was yelling things that Gray didn't understand, and each time he looked back, Natsu's body was still.

"Is he dead?" Gray's voice broke and Matt looked over at him.

"What's your name?"

"G-gray." His hands and jeans were still sticky with Natsu's blood. His blood. Could you lose that much blood and live?

"Gray, I need you to take deep breaths. We're doing everything we can for your friend, but we need you to stay calm. Is there somebody you need to contact?" Gray was about to shake his head, but then he realized – Lucy. He had to tell Lucy. He dug his phone out of his pocket and thumbed to her number, then deleted and rewrote several messages before finally sending one.

I found Natsu, it's not good. Can you come to the hospital?

His phone chimed almost immediately in response. What happened? Is he okay? I'll find a way to get there.

Gray's fingers hovered over the keyboard. He couldn't think of any way to succinctly explain the nightmare he was currently living, so he dropped the phone to his lap again and risked another glance back at Natsu.

"Do you know if he has any ID on him?" Matt asked. Gray hesitated. He'd heard enough of Ultear's horror stories to know that there was no good outcome for Natsu if the hospital knew the truth.

"I don't think so," Gray lied, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He briefly wondered why he was shivering, then realized that he was only wearing a t-shirt and it was the middle of December.

Gray took a couple of deep breaths, then pulled out his phone and thumbed through his contacts until he found his sister.

J'ai besoin de ton aide.

He didn't have to wait long for her response. Qu'est-il arrivé?

My friend tried to kill himself, Gray continued in French. I'm in the ambulance with him. I don't know what to do. Gray stared numbly at the ellipses that blinked in the message window for several seconds, waiting for a reply.

Oh, Gray. Are you all right? I can meet you at the ER.

Please. And no, I'm not.

Stay in the waiting room. I'll come find you.

Gray breathed a small sigh. Maybe Ultear could help. If Natsu made it. Fuck. Just thinking that pushed a fresh set of hot tears down Gray's cheeks. His breath hiccupped, and he could feel Matt looking at him sympathetically.

"Are you his partner?" Matt's voice was gentle, but Gray barely heard the words, just the pounding of his own heart in his ears. "Try to take deep breaths."

After several minutes, the ambulance rolled into the bay and the two EMTs jumped out, wheeling Natsu into the triage area. Gray stumbled along behind them uncertainly. Matt leaned over and said something to the plump, friendly-looking woman behind the desk, and she glanced over at Gray sympathetically.

"Come here, honey," she said gently, taking Gray's arm and leading him to a plastic chair. His limbs felt like lead. "Do you have somebody you can call?" Why did everyone keep asking him that? His chest was so tight; he struggled to suck breath into his lungs.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Gray whispered. Nobody would answer him. Everything sounded like he was underwater. The woman gave him a comforting smile.

"The doctors are with him now," she said, moving back behind her desk and pulling up a computer screen. "They're going to stabilize him and then someone will come speak with you. Do you have his personal information?"

Gray blinked, realizing he didn't know Natsu's address. But he didn't want to give that anyway. Before he even realized he was speaking, he had given her his own address and phone number.

"Health care card?" she asked, but he shook his head. She typed up a few more things, then gestured behind Gray. "Why don't you head to the washroom and clean yourself up." Her voice was gentle, and Gray looked down at his hands, realizing that there was still blood smeared up his forearms.

Gray nodded numbly, then stood and stumbled out into the waiting area, full of coughing and groaning and uncomfortable plastic chairs. Everything seemed to blur in front of him, and he staggered toward the washroom, not stopping until he was locked in a stall. Then he fell to his knees and threw up violently.

His chest shuddered as he grasped the seat, and a fresh wave of nausea flew through him as he realized he was leaving bloody handprints behind.

"Oh, god," he sobbed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and collapsing back against the wall. He pulled his knees to his chest, then gagged at the heavy copper tang that saturated the fabric. "FUCK!" A wounded, animal sound tore from his throat as he wrapped his arms around himself, wanting to vomit again but knowing there was nothing left in his stomach.

Please don't die, Natsu. The tears dripped down Gray's chin and began to dot his shirt and arms, and all he could think about was how fucking cold Natsu had felt. Please. I need you to be okay.

__________

****TW for suicide attempt****

__________

French Translations

J'ai besoin de ton aide. = I need your help.
Qu'est-il arrivé? = What happened?