TW for physical abuse, homophobic slurs, and references to self-harm

__________

it only hurt a bit, but i still feel like shit
i think you won't be able to recognize me now
it's easier to quit, it's harder to admit
and you're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me
- marianas trench, "skin & bones"

The morning air was cold, and Natsu pulled his hoodie tighter around him as thick, heavy flakes drifted down onto his hair. Christmas was only a week away, and the main street of Magnolia was decorated with multicolored lights, angels, and snowflakes.

Natsu growled, shaking the image of Gray's concerned eyes from his head. He was still fuzzy from whatever had been in his drink last night, and his memories were hazy. The clearest thing was Gray's voice, full of worry and unease, asking if Natsu was okay. Natsu vaguely recalled a stranger's hand on his thigh, the car crash and running to the beach, but everything after that was... murky.

Natsu's stomach growled and he sighed. He had barely enough change in his pocket for a cup of coffee, and he was starting to regret not having some at Gray's place. His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket, looking down at the unsaved number.

we meeting tmw, same place? i got the money.

Natsu groaned – he'd almost forgotten. Part of him was tempted to ignore the message, but he needed the cash.

yeah, ill be there, Natsu replied.

He ended up swiping someone's order from Starbucks - it was surprisingly easy to claim that his name was Dylan (who was serendipitously in the washroom), and that yes, he had ordered a bagel and a caramel macchiato. It was the perfect combination of sugar and caffeine, and he sipped the coffee slowly as he wandered down the street.

His phone vibrated again – this time it was Gray. You gonna be okay? Natsu sighed, snapping the phone shut and shoving it in his pocket.

Stop caring, he thought. I don't deserve it. He felt a tightness in his chest – the darkness slowly creeping in again, laughing at his failures from the night before and promising to take good care of him now.

His fingers itched to respond to Gray's message, to say, no, I'm not okay, I'm crashing hard and I don't know what to do. But the darkness whispered to him instead.

He doesn't care, it said. After last night, he knows what a fuckup you are. He knows you're worthless.

Natsu set his jaw, dashing across the street to the surprise of several vehicles, which blared their horns at him angrily. A bus was idling at the stop, orange numbers illuminating the way home. Natsu slipped on while the driver was busy smoking, and found a seat in the back where he curled up with his breakfast.

The trip took just over an hour, and he spent the entire time polishing his sketch of Gray from last week. Focusing on the cut of Gray's jaw, the curve of his neck, the angle of his fingers – it kept him from thinking about what he was getting himself into.

When he finally got off the bus and saw Don's truck in the driveway, he groaned. Fuck. He glanced in the front window and saw his foster father sprawled in a recliner, whiskey in hand, watching some sports channel on the TV. If he was quiet enough, Natsu might be able to sneak in the back door, grab what he needed, and get out again without being noticed.

The back door squeaked, but Don didn't appear to hear it since he didn't shout. Natsu crossed his fingers and dashed down the hallway until he was outside his room. It was tiny and cramped, and didn't look lived in. Sighing, he slipped inside, grabbing some clean clothes and depositing his dirty ones in the laundry basket.

From there, he snuck into Don's room – thankfully Don had forgotten to lock it. Natsu dodged the empty bottles and dirty laundry until he was in the ensuite bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and rummaging around until he found the container he was looking for. Perfect. He shoved it in his backpack and began the trip back out.

"NATSU!"

Fuck. He had almost made it to the door when Don's gravelly voice echoed through the dirty kitchen. Natsu bit his lip, contemplating running for it. There was a handful of change next to the ashtray, and it might be enough for a bus back down to central city.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Don lumbered into the kitchen, eyes already red with drink, and stared down at Natsu with disdain.

Natsu stayed quiet. Everyone told him he talked too much, but this was the one place where silence could potentially keep him safe. He dropped his eyes to the floor, keeping the ashtray in his peripheral vision. He might be able to slip past Don if he was fast enough.

"Finally decided to come home again, eh?" Don scowled at him, waving his bottle in the air for emphasis. "You off fucking around with boys again?" Natsu winced, unconsciously bringing his arms up to protect his chest. Don knew he wore long sleeves to hide the scars, so bruises there would stay out of sight as well. The fingerprints from last week still ached. "Answer me, faggot."

Natsu took a deep breath, then dashed across the kitchen and swerved around Don, grabbing the change as he did so. He had almost made it to the door when Don grabbed him by his backpack and yanked him backwards, throwing him into the wall.

"You ungrateful little shit," Don snarled as he grabbed Natsu by the front of his hoodie, slamming Natsu's head back into the wall so hard he saw stars. Natsu cried out in pain as Don backhanded him, heavy gold ring slamming into his jaw with a loud crack.

It doesn't matter, Natsu thought, trying to breathe through the pain. It doesn't matter. It'll be over soon. Another fist, this time to his cheek, and he doubled over, feeling like he might vomit. It doesn't matter. It's just pain.

"You know what, just get the fuck out of here," Don growled, opening the screen door and shoving Natsu outside. "You're almost an adult. You think you're so smart, go survive on your own."

Natsu gasped, stumbling backward and then turning from the house and fleeing with an intensity he didn't know he had. He flew past the bus station, blood running from his nose, jaw bursting with pain, tears streaming down his cheeks. His worn sneakers slapped the pavement, and his lungs burned from the exertion. Finally, when he couldn't run anymore, he collapsed on a bench and sat there, trembling.

"Fuck," Natsu whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and taking deep breaths, entire body shaking. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." His face ached, and he wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand.

Natsu pulled his phone out of his pocket, barely able to open it with his shaking hands, and thumbed through his contacts. He hovered over Lucy's name, but the thought of her father's disappointed face filled him with dread, so he kept scrolling down until he found SNOWFLAKE.

i need help.

Natsu's thumb hovered over the "send" button. Was this smart? He had never told anyone about Don, even though he knew that Lucy suspected. Shivering, he looked around. It was getting too cold to sleep outside, and Natsu was getting desperate. He took a breath and went to send the message, but his phone went dark in his hand.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Natsu whispered, pressing the power button over and over. His chest felt tight, and the darkness was spreading, an uncontrollable heaviness in his limbs. He felt the tears starting again, hot and thick, and he threw his phone to the ground.

It doesn't matter, he thought, curling up on the bench with his backpack underneath his head and sobbing softly. It doesn't matter. It's just pain.

__________

When Natsu finally woke up, he pulled himself together and headed to the abandoned parking lot in central city where he met the nameless guy who bought the pills Natsu had swiped from Don's room. Natsu's skin crawled when he took the money, revulsion and shame winding their way up his arms and into his bloodstream.

It was enough for a meal and a phone charger. Natsu ate in the corner of a crappy restaurant, and when the light on his phone finally turned green, he flipped it open to see the unsent message to Gray. He deleted it angrily. What had he been thinking? He'd missed several messages, all from Gray, and Natsu's chest tightened as he read them.

Please just let me know you're okay. I'm really worried about you.

If you need a place to stay, my couch is always free.

Natsu, are you okay? Are you safe?

He deleted them all.

__________

"Are you shaving?" Natsu jumped at the unexpected voice and the razor slid under his skin, blood bubbling around the cut.

"Fuck." He set the razor down, grabbing a piece of paper towel and dabbing the wound. He could see Gray's perplexed reflection in the mirror, door to the centre bathroom half-open behind him.

"No, I'm summoning Satan," Natsu muttered sarcastically. "Of course I'm shaving." He removed the paper towel and watched the blood bead up again, spilling down his chin. It made him feel uneasy. The heaviness in his chest was pressing down hard, and this wasn't helping.

"Sorry," Gray said softly, still staring. "I didn't mean to scare you." His gaze trailed over the purple and black bruise that ran from Natsu's temple to his jaw, and stretched under his eye. "Holy shit, what happened?"

"I got punched in the face," Natsu replied sarcastically. He wiped away the blood with his fingers and swallowed hard, thinking of it spilling from somewhere else. "Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna piss?" His voice was tight and he knew he was being an asshole, but he didn't care. Something dark had settled into his bones, and he didn't have the patience to be kind.

"Y-yeah, sorry," Gray stammered, dropping his gaze and slipping into one of the stalls. Natsu sighed, picking up the razor and scraping the last of the stubble from his chin. He rinsed it, then stood for a moment, staring at the blades. It would be easy to peel them out, to run the sharp edges down his arms, to fucking feel something other than this goddamn buzzing in his head.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Gray was there again, washing his hands at the sink, watching Natsu stare angrily at his razor. Natsu growled, shoving it and the shaving cream back into his backpack and splashing water over his face. "Who hit you? Did you... not sleep at home?"

"I was sick, and I stayed over at a friend's place again," Natsu lied, voice sharp with irritation. He ignored the first question. "Forgot to shave before I left. Can I go now, or are you gonna continue the goddamn Spanish Inquisition?" Regret flooded his body before he even finished the sentence, but he just couldn't stop.

Surprisingly, Gray didn't look irritated. Instead, he wore that same concerned expression that everyone had when they looked at Natsu. All furrowed brows and sad eyes and pursed lips, like hey, look at this fuckup, isn't it sad how badly he's messed up his life? Natsu wanted to punch it off Gray's face, and before he knew it, his fist was flying through the air.

"What the fuck?!" Gray staggered backwards, hand rising to his split lip, brow furrowed. Natsu blinked, looking down at his clenched hand with a mixture of surprise and remorse.

"Shit...I-I'm sorry..." he stammered, backing away until he hit the wall. "Fuck, I'm... I... I didn't mean..." The buzzing was louder now, drowning out everything, running through his body and he just wanted it to stop, stop, it's too loud.

"It's okay," Gray said slowly, wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his hand. "Seriously, you don't seem okay." He sighed. "I'm worried about you."

"You shouldn't be." Natsu's voice was flat now, fighting through the thickness in his throat. "Just haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine." He scrubbed his face with one hand. Gray didn't say anything.

Just leave, Natsu thought, trying to ignore the tiny pinpricks dancing across his skin. I need to make this go away. A thought was building in the back of his mind, had been since Friday – he knew how to make it all stop. The knowledge settled in his stomach next to the darkness, nestling into it like a familiar lover.

"Okay," Gray said finally, tucking his hands into his pockets. "But... if you, y'know, need to talk, I'm not the worst listener." Natsu laughed a little at that, finally making eye contact. Gray grinned at him, even through the split lip, and it broke through the darkness for just a moment.

I'm sorry, Natsu thought. I hope you can forgive me.