( tw. panic attacks and an identity crisis)

KAT

THE TOOTHPASTE FELT EXTRA MINTY, and the tap water extra cold. Luckily, Kat had a 9 AM class. However, the grocery run still meant she had to wake up at 6. She made sure to turn the tap on barely half of the way, so the running water didn't wake Holly, who was sleeping a room over. She spat out the sludge of toothpaste and water, swirling mouthwash around for forty seconds before washing the bitterly sharp taste out. She sighed as she placed both uncovered hands on the ends of the porcelain sink bowl.

She felt like shit. And worse, she looked like it too.

However, glancing at the round purple clock on top of the toilet, she sighed. There was no time to hide how shitty she looked. Damn. She'd really lost it, huh? Her pillow smelled like the saltwater from her tears, the only thing dulling the pain being the silenced darkness. If Steve Harrington had lifted her up, but now she was shattering back down. The Ice Queen was about perfection, cold, icy beauty. Not a single hair out of place. But now? Now she was going on a grocery run before the sunrise in winter weather, no breakfast in her stomach, and coming back to a mother who she knew would never understand how she felt. 

No. This was wrong. Years, years of practice had channeled her anger from her home to her school. Rising to the position of utter iciness had been built, brick by brick, by every harsh scold, every scarring word from her mother. A cast had been built, a mold perfectly fitting her. She belonged there. Yet, last night was both a nightmare and a dream. She hadn't laughed like that in years. The thrill of a simple run around a playground made her still-standing spirit begin to thump. Her mold had received its first crack, and boy, it felt so wrong, and so good.

Kat's heart was placed in a chest, locked up cold and perched on a throne. Yet, the pure gold sun that was Steve Harrington was gently melting the ice. And it was about to reach the chains.

Kat slowly let all her breath go, inhaling deeper than ever before. She allowed the air to hide, if not restore, the golden colored cracks in her black marble, before breathing the air back out.

Walking a bit shakily to her bedroom, she hurriedly slipped on her black leather glove as if it were a lifeline to her chilling disguise, hastily putting on a sweater over an undershirt. Slinging her wallet and coat over her back, she tiptoed down the stairs, careful not to wake anyone in the house. She gently turned the doorknob, opening the door with a long but quiet creak. 

Just as quick as how her mood changed last night, the First of December proved to its name. It wasn't windy, but sun barely lit up the sky, not providing any warmth from above the clouds threatening snow. Her body was covered in thick clothing, except for one hand and her face. The air, however, managed to nibble at her skin, sending chills down all five fingertips. It bit at her cheeks, causing the blood to raise in proud defense and the pink spreading across her face and nose. She hurried to her car, flinging off the insulating tarp that covered it and kicking it towards the frosted grass. Stepping inside in a jumble of cold, she plugged her keys into the ignition, pulling out of the driveway. Kat frantically turned the heating on, her mind pleading for the warmth to fill the car faster.

Luckily, Bradley's Big Buy was only a fifteen-minute drive from Maple Street, and as Kat pulled into the slanted parking spots, she could see the employees just opening, the 'open' sign on the back of the door that couldn't have been hung up within more than the past ten minutes.

Kat entered through the automatic sliding doors, shooting a smile at Beck, a cashier she usually leaned to. She grabbed a cart, wheeling the heavy, brittle thing through the empty space. She scoped the store row by row, like she always did. Plopping a few bags of chicken and beef, along with a bag of ice in the bottom, alongside some cabbage, spinach, carrots and potatoes. An extra-large can of tomato sauce and some canned soups were placed in as well, finishing with some flour, bread, butter, sugar, and spices. Hesitating, she debated on getting some junk food for Mike. She got some, and a little extra for herself, too.

"Hello, Kathryn!" Beck said brightly, dark skin wrinkled with her bright smile. "Woke up early today?"

"Yeah," Kat said. "Getting stuff for breakfast. You too?"

"Always," Beck said, beaming through her sigh. "There isn't a day that goes by where I don't rise before the sun,"

"Oh," Kat grimaced slightly. "Sorry?"

"Oh, it's okay, baby," Beck said. "Like I keep telling you. I'm gonna make enough money to get a proper job in an office someday. But for now, I keep going. And that's 'cause of girls like you," She flashed Kat a warm expression, reaching over to pinch her cheek.

Kat giggled as she began to bag the items alongside Beck tallying up the prices. Beck entered all the items into a calculator, showing Kat the results. Kat then paid, stuffing a few ones into the tip jar, before slinging the groceries into three tote bags.

"You need help with getting that to your car, Kathryn?" Beck chuckled in mirth as she watched Kat haul the bags up speculatively.

"No, thank you. But it's been great just now!" Kat said, feeling tired from carrying the food already. "Bye, Beck!"

"Bye-bye, baby," Beck said, giving Kat's shoulder a pat before pointing her in the door. Kat stacked the groceries up in the backseat, one of the bags tumbling over a couple times, before revving the Hornet as she left the supermarket with forty minutes to spare.

"You okay, Kit Kat?" Cameron asked her when he'd climbed into her car after an unsuccessful attempt to shotgun.

"Yeah- why?"

"Nothing- just, the whole no-makeup, I-woke-up-like this updo," Cameron said. "Not that that's bad or anything,"

"No, not at all," Monique chimed in, looking at Kat with the same level of concern. "Just a bit out of character, but if it's a phase, then it's cool. All natural, brings out your features,"

"...Right," Kat said slowly, accelerating the car. "It's not a phase, I was just...in a rush this morning,"

"Mhm. We're here if you need anything," Monique said, unconvinced but understanding that Kat needed some time.

"Yep," Kat whispered ahead into the streets, surrounded by cars belonging to either high schooloers like her or people going to work downtown. The red light turned green, and Kat continued driving down the street.

She'd unloaded the groceries back at home, placing them meticulously in the places her mother liked to reach for easiest. She'd shook awake both Mike and Nancy while their mom prepared breakfast. She'd also left the heat on inside her car from the grocery trip, so when Kat, Monique, and Cameron piled in, it was already toasty inside. 

She shot a longing look at Hawkins Middle, the memories of last night coming back. Joining the hoard of cars in the high school parking lot, Kat was suprised to see a BMW 733i join them in their crusade to find their spot in the corner of the parking spaces. Pulling into the spot between two painted white lines, Kat got out of her car parallel to Steve Harrington, who apparently was now fond of corner parking as well. She was about to approach him, before her vision was blocked by the bubblegum breath, turquoise eyeshadow, and dyed auburn curls of Carol Perkins.

"Well, well. Ice Wheels is getting rusty," she said, fingering with the tips of her winter coat slyly.

"And Carol. You're getting slutty," Kat said sharply. She didn't have the energy to deal with her today.

Carol's eyes flashed with anger. "She speaks. We all thought the Ice Queen was starting to crumble," she said shortly, before waddling off.

Kat half-sighed and half-hissed, clutching her gloved hand to her bag strap. Even if she was crumbling, the Ice Queen would go out with a bang.

"That bitch," Monique said, stumbling out of the car after taking a while to get her backpack on. "If you stuck a rock up her ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond,"

Kat turned to Monique with a shocked and impressed face, bursting into laughter.

"It's true," Monique sniffed, slamming Kat's car door shut. "Come on, it's cold outside,"

The four of them, Steve included, hurried through the school doors, though the poor heating inside didn't do much of a difference. Kat kept her sweater on as she crammed her winter coat into her locker, closing it shut before it could fall onto Cameron down below.

"Turns out the first snow of the season's gonna happen Saturday night," Steve told her as he leaned against the locker to her left. "We still on for the carnival, though, yeah?"

"Oh...Are you sure everything will still be open?" Kat said doubtfully.

"Yeah, 'course. Nothing better to celebrate the winter than, y'know, festival games,"

"Got a point there," Kat laughed. "We're on,"

"But the more important event," Monique cut in, slinging an arm around Kat and yanking her to face the right way. "Lafayette again on Sunday,"

"Remind me again," Kat said, a slight smile of exasperation on her tired features.

"What's in Lafayette?" Steve asked.

"Purdue. We're doing our interviews on the same day," Kat grinned with nervousness. "Are you applying?"

"Nah, just Tech," Steve said, looking a little muted.

"Okay," Kat said hesitantly. "Well, uh, hope you get in!"

"Same," he said, shooting her a half-grin before closing his own locker.

Someone shouldered Kat roughly as they walked past to a class, causing her to ram into Steve, who grabbed her shoulder to help get her balance. It didn't hurt, but sent a strong ache up her body, amplified by Steve's electric touch. A faint snicker followed where the person left. 

"Mouthbreather," Kat hissed, swatting Steve's hand away. 

A few more glances to Kat were in suprise and confusion, at her 'no makeup, I-woke-up-like-this' frame. Her clothes were nothing out of the ordinary, but her face was absent of its usual bold lip and borderline gothic eyeshadow. And worst of all, her posture was slouched, and her face, her face no longer held the firm scowl and stiff expression that had been so ingrained. 

Kat had built up such a perfect disguise that made people hate her. Yet, when it began to crumble, people hated her more.

The discomfort only rose in her throat as she scanned the faces that walked by, paying more attention than before. However, she feared she looked more like a fledgling wondering about its surroundings than an eagle stalking its prey. And the unease only grew when Ms. Kelley called her to her office for their Thursday meetings. 

She'd recently moved into a different office in the Administration section of the building, a bigger office. Though, she pretty much decorated it the same. The walls were a brownish pink color, and paired with the biggest piece of furniture, aka the file drawers, weren't the prettiest. However, she kept her hanging decor, rugs and drawer of caramels.

"I noticed you changed your updo," Ms. Kelley began, indicating at her distressed state.

"Yeah. Uh, same me, different phase," Kat said shortly.

"It suits you," Ms. Kelley replied brightly. "How are you doing?"

"Um, I'm good, I think. Doing better,"

"I'd agree," Ms. Kelley said. "It may seem contrary to you, but you seem more...relaxed. Comfortable,"

"Oh...?" Kat said. Since when did she feel more relaxed? No, she was the exact opposite. Perhaps the only thing that had not cracked in her facade was her ability to conceal. Underneath, just like a night storm pulled by the gravity of the moon, she felt like a wave rising higher and higher, silver water glistening with power and danger, as she threatened to crash down.

"Yes. You might not feel like it, but take it from an expert's opinion: you've made a lot of progress already," Ms. Kelley said earnestly. 

"Right, thanks," Kat said, trying and failing to believe her. There was no way in hell she was healing when there were so many cracks inside her armor.

"Gettting into, it, though, I have a template of the form you'll need to complete to submit a request to work at Starcourt Cinemas,"

"Oh, really?" Kat leaned forward, her anxiety dissapating and renewed interest forming. "Wow, that's, like, nine pages long,"

"Well, the Mall's getting a lot of people wanting to work there," Ms. Kelley said. "Some of your classmates are thinking of making some extra cash there as well,"

"Know anyone else wanting a job at the Cinemas?" Kat asked, shuffling in her seat so she could prop one foot on the chair as well.

"You know I'm not allowed to say," Ms. Kelley said chidingly. "But no,"

"Great," Kat said, sliding the template against the edge of her bag. "If that's all?"

"That's all," Ms. Kelley said with a smile.

"Bye," Kat said with a dull smile. She took a caramel and her bag, walking to the door.

"Kathryn," Ms. Kelley called to her as she was about to exit. "I'm proud of you,"

"Thank you," Kat said, surprised. Yet the words merely reflected off her polished steel. The tsunami inside her inched further, threatening to sweep all of her away.

She walked to Calculus so fast no one had the chance to judge her appearance. Accidentally stepping on someone's feet, her heart sent out a pang of 'sorry!' though the Ice Queen living inside her, though weakened, stopped it from rolling out her mouth. She sat in the desk closest to the door, contrary to her usual spot at the back. And people noticed, firstly the usual occupant of the desk she was at shooting her a dirty glare when they passed. Even Mrs. Carmichael looked at her quizzically when she came inside.

She zoned out through the entire class-it wasn't like she was majoring in math anyway. Yet, the throbbing headache continued through the block, especially when the bell rang. As parts of the Ice Queen were peeling off, what was left? Nothing, nothing, the voice chanted. Kat didn't know the answer. Whatever struggle, whatever conflict she had, she was always able to fall into the enveloping arms of coldness, yet now it was diluted with warmth. Warmth from...the sun. Steve Harrington.

Bile rising in her throat, she zoomed out of the classroom and went straight for the bathroom. She frantically locked the door, sitting onto the closed toilet seat as she calmed her breaths. God, oh god. It was all Steve. Steve's warmth was melting her ice. And god, it felt wrong. So, so wrong. What would be left when all of her biting defenses were gone, huh? Yet, she knew, deep inside, the child smothered by thousands of layers of responsibility screamed out for her to give into the feeling of exhilaration. 

Kat blinked frantically, the slow breathing doing nothing but to send her mind into further hyperventilation. The events of yesterday night with Steve now felt so wrong, unholy and against every principle she followed. And yet, she craved the feeling, the child inside her experiencing the first experiences of sedation. God, someday Steve Harrington would make her crash and burn.

"Um...Hello? Are you okay?" 

Someone's voice echoed from the sink area outside the stalls. Kat coughed, trying to regain her iciness and attempting so before failing miserably. Fuck.

"Yes- I'm fine, go away, please," Kat said, though she had lost the edge to her tone and was speaking so tired, so weak.

"You...You don't sound very fine- just- should I get somebody to help? -Cause the nurse is right there, and-"

"Please, go away!" Kat gasped slightly for air. Her heart was beating too fast, she was feeling her hands go clammy as they trembled. Pressure built up in her mind, filling up all of her with black smoke so she was trapped inside the hell of walking between heaven and earth. She felt like she was gonna throw up any second. Stop, stop stop stop-

"Hey- uh, you don't sound like you're breathing properly, wait- just, focus on my voice?" the girl outside said hesitantly.

Kat closed her mouth in exasperation, but her eyes remained squinted in desperation to keep her body at bay. Her lungs rattled in her chest as another crack of her armor fell down.

"Okay- um, alright, if you can hear me, take a deep breath in, yeah? And hold it," they stammered outside.

Fuck, fuck. Okay, you can do this. Kat thought, as she grappled through the smoke to find some form of a little control, and when a few grains of sand were in the palm of her hand, she felt like there was maybe a slim chance she could stop the tsunami from tipping. Deep breaths. She inhaled shakily, missing air multiple times and gasping, but she got some air in her limp lungs.

"Right, right, yeah. Then hold it for four, three-"

Kat couldn't tell who it was on the other side of the bathroom, but she hung on their words like an oath as she tried with all her strength to hold on to her breath, as if she was lying on top of a huge bottle lid, preventing the steam inside from rushing up. 

"Two, one. Then let it out, 'kay? Like, five, four-"

Kat gently let go of the pressure, resisting the urge to let the seawater topple over.

"Three, two one. That's good, let's do another one. Yeah?"

"Yeah," Kat said raspily, as if she had not spoken for days. She coughed, before taking another deep breath in, noticing how much easier it was this time. She could feel her heart beating again, as if she had swam back to her body among the hurricane. She let the breath out, feeling her heart slow a couple beats to somewhat calmness. She cleared her throat.

"Um, do you feel better now?" the girl said from outside.

"Yeah- I think so," Kat coughed again. "Uh, thanks for that,"

"No problem- I'm Robin,"

"Oh. I'm Kat," Kat said, feeling astonishingly normal. The cracks in her ice no longer stung, only held a dull ache.

"I know. Yeah, nice to meet ya," Robin chuckled awkwardly from outside.

Kat then realized how awkward her current situation was. She pushed up from the toilet paper holder to stand, taking her bag off the hook on the door. The waves in her hurricane were only lapping against the night beach sand. She fiddled with the door lock for a bit before successfully turning it open.

Robin was tall, even towering over Kat's 5'10. She had dark brown hair mixed with reddish gold like a sunny autumn forest paired with blue-green eyes. She was skinny and clutched her backpack to herself. Probably a junior, since Kat had never seen her before.

"Uh, hey," Kat said, grinning softly as she came out of the bathroom stall. "Thanks for that, again,"

"Yep- anytime," Robin said, looking a bit confused at her being friendly. "My mom used to get like that once in a while, so I got some experience,"

"Yeah. Um, I appreciate it. Bye, Robin," Kat said, before rinsing her hands and shaking the water off of them as she shot the blonde a grateful smile before stepping out the door.

━━author's note ━━

let the identity crisis/character development begin! 

introducing the saga of kat realizing her feelings for steve, starting with the Ice Queen™ falling apart. as you can tell, mission ladybird is feeding kat's inner child, something she's built up to hide the past years due to having to take care of other people so much. so yeah, it's all one, big complicated cycle that she has to deal with hehe