life update?

•••••

happy new year! writing this in 2020 and the first thing i want to let you know is that everything is okay now. in previous chapters i wasn't in a very happy place and a lot of bad shit happened.

during the time i was feeling down Woojin left Stray Kids, Wonho left MONSTA X, Sulli from f(x) passed away. i was under constant pressure from teachers, parents, other students and myself to complete university applications. my grades were slipping in all my subjects. i'd just failed my 3rd driving test and my parents yelled at me because it costs so much money to book a test. my friend had taken drugs. i was facing the reality that Q didn't like me. i had to suddenly deal with Z.

luckily for me it was half term so we didn't have school for a week, and BOY OH BOY did i need that week. i didn't move from my bedroom, and instead delved deeper into kpop (this was when i started ult-ing Stray Kids, which was TWO WEEKS before woojin left) btw kpop is a beautiful coping mechanism, i'd recommend it to anyone feeling sad.

on nov 1st EC was having a halloween party at her house, and i was excited to see everyone again after a week. i felt reassured because Q isn't friends with our group so he wouldn't be there, and Z wasn't invited. i would be free to ACTUALLY drink away my problems this time.

JR told me she didn't feel well so she didn't go, which was sad but i could deal with it! i didn't need a human barrier because Z wasn't gonna be there!

until i get dropped off and peer through the window, seeing Z stood talking to a few people in the kitchen. at that point i REALLY contemplated just getting back in my dad's car and going home, but i decided to suck it up and go inside. i was getting pissed and no one was gonna stop me.

this sounds really bad okay- i am only a social drinker and i was also in a bad head space okay that's not an excuse but getting drunk in a safe environment is actually kinda fun.

and drunk i got! it was probably my worst ever. aaaandddd.....

i may or may not have spent the whole night basically leaning on Z because i couldn't stand up by myself *facepalms into another dimension* there was one point where me, Z, and JG were sat on the sofa (in that order) and i was almost falling asleep on Z and his arm was leaning on the back of the sofa behind me.

there was one point where i was telling CA about how i thought Z liked me and that i didn't like him back but i wasn't too sure but i was kinda hurting so i didn't wanna use him as a rebound so if i feel anything then it's not real.

SECONDS later Z walks in and i went "hihuhu imagine if he heard me" and CA went "he probably did you were really loud" and at the time i just laughed but now i'm like sjjsjjxoajandklzjahdjkxns

at that same party i also-

CA: *hands me a cup*
me: *sips* wow omg this is so nice
me: what is it?
CA: lucy it's fucking water

-to share the extent of how bad it was

i'm a bit of a lightweight.... but i don't really drink too much and i therefore don't get hangovers so whose the real winner? me.

so yeah. that happened. i became boo boo the fool and Z still likes to make fun of "how drunk i was that night"

but yeah. since then i've gotten over Q, haven't spoken to him since the october social, don't even really notice him in crowds anymore which is great. Z is a bit more of a complex story but in a bit!

i sent off my university applications FINALLY! i applied to The University of Leeds, The University of Bristol and The University of Liverpool. as of right now i've had emails off them saying they've received my application, but not if they're offering me a place or not. Bristol even wished me a merry christmas; like thank you very much but can i go to your uni or??

i passed my 4th test (but y'all obviously know that already^) and being able to drive is so liberating. my grades are still flopping but we can pull her back hopefully, and at new years we had NCT DREAM X Stray Kids collab stage (2/3 of my ults, btw) so 2019 lowkey pulled herself together towards the end?

time for Z story. school was weird. i didn't really know how to act around him, but my older friend GW told me to act normally and sus him out, which is what i told the og friend JR and just treated him as normal. i catch him staring at me from across the tables sometimes, but i'm not doing that shit again so i ignore and think nothing of it. he still walks with me to chemistry, but like i said that was still normal for him so i did nothing.

he skips school a lot for reasons i don't know, so because i'm in 2/3 of his classes (chemistry and maths) i send him the work he misses a lot. then for some fucking reason snapchat puts him on my best friend list.

we had 1 conversation after i sent him some work about how hard chemistry is, and that was it. he tried to do it again a week later but it was the same shit so i pulled a "listerbean doesn't give a damn" and left him on read so i could read more skz hyunsung aus.
context ↓

can you hear the clown music in the background? yeah, the music that's getting louder? that's the sound of me slowly realising that what he was doing to me, was what i was doing to Q for half a fucking year. the clown music is getting louder, i think i need to whip out my red nose and clown shoes.

anyway, the december social was coming up, and my older friend GW insisted on coming to this one because she's had enough of hearing about all these people and wanted to meet them. also she's found a hot guy from my school and wanted to meet him, so i let her come.

a few days before i'm sat in form with CH and KH, and we're just talking when all of a sudden KH goes "did you know lucy's talking to Z." i kinda just went "i'm what?"

KH just kept laughing and CH just kept going "ooooo" as i'm trying to explain to them that i just send him the work he misses (like i literally talk to KH on snapchat more than Z) so i'm like lowkey freaking out because now i have to assume EVERYONE thinks we're talking when we're NOT.

i explain this to JR just in case she hears it from someone else first and she said she didn't hear about it.

i hadn't mentioned anything of the sort to anyone, i just kept things normal ever since we came back to school after EC's party, and no one had made a big deal or even seen him on my best friends list (pfft there's a whole 8 people on there and a half of them r guys anyway lol) which means it's come from him. either he's told people we're talking, or KH saw his best friend list (i'm assuming i was on there see his snap score is a bit low) and then proceeded to tease him about it.

either way it was bothering me.

friday came and it was SOCIAL TIME. it was MC's birthday so i went to her prees instead of JG's, meaning Z wasn't at my prees phew.

we got to the social and as soon as we walk in Q is walking down the stairs drunk as fuck and we hold eye contact for like 5 seconds (i'm tipsy too lol) then GW whispers in my ear "is that Q?" and i go "yeah" then she goes "do you want me to push him down the stairs" and i was like skjdnxnns snd NO!

(by this point i was well over him lol)

and at the social nothing happened! i didn't see Z all night basically, (or Q) which is an epic win!

also the hot guy GW liked: she doesn't like him anymore because he was with too many girls at the social. understandable; she went over to the bar to talk to him and everything and this girl straight up came up behind him and stuck her hands up his shirt whilst back hugging him? like ma this is a club not the bedroom???

so! life sorted out! christmas holidays were very fun! i told myself i'd do revision but guess who just clowned themselves again? oh me!

i wish you nothing but happiness and good fortune for 2020, and highkey wishing for myself too lol.

LETS HOPE I MAKE IT TO UNI WOOOO!!!

word count: 1555