Catch Up & Feelings

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It's December. I haven't been here in 6 months. A lot has happened in 6 months. HEY it's nearly Christmas.

So basically I'm just gonna tell y'all a little about my life because it always feels good to just put it somewhere, like getting something off your back. Do I expect anyone to read this? No. Do I care? No. It's just here, read if you want :)

So like I finished high school, and ya boi does A-levels now. I did pretty good in my exams.... I'll tell you my grades but the UK recently changed the grading system

from (( A* - F )) to (( 9 - 1 ))

So just wanted to clear that up because it's confusing. A grade 8 is like an A* and they added a grade 9 to be like an A** (only like the top 3% in a specific subject would get a 9) a low pass is a grade 4 (like only just getting a C) but a strong pass is a grade 5 (like getting really far into a C)

Sorry if this sounds like a flex, but here's my results: (for context these grades are all 100% exam, so we did no coursework throughout the year)

Maths: 8 (A*)
- I actually did this last year (2017) (AKA a year early) and got an 8, so my teachers told me to retake it this year (2018) because they thought I could get a 9, and guess what, we didn't 🤠

English Language: 6 (B)
- I did this in 2017 too. It was my lowest grade

English Literature: 7 (A)
- I hated this so much. This (alongside language) was my worst subject. I was also an idiot and turned up to the 2nd exam knowing NO QUOTES because I'd hardly revised. I sat there before the exam going "soMEbOdy rECitE sOmE pOEtRy tO mE!"because I just didn't know

Chemistry: 8 (A*)
- we did alright in this one bois, I think I was only about nine marks off a grade 9

Biology: 8 (A*)
- I think I just got into an 8 here lol

Physics: 7 (A)
- I worked my ass off for this. My mock exam went terrible; we were given the wrong equation sheet and we still hadn't been taught half the paper. Because of this the teachers lowered the grade boundaries by 30%, in the end my grade was a 3 (D/E) because I hate physics and I don't understand it. For my real exam I probably did the most revision for this subject to make sure I could do it. I was 5 marks off a grade 8 ;)

Spanish: 8 (A*)
- no revision bois👌🏻 I didn't revise for Spanish AT ALL. For the entirety of my time taking Spanish I was just naturally good at it, so I got away with doing fuck all. I walked in and out of my exams like "ha istg if I don't get a 9" like omg I was so cocky and my class and teacher just boosted my ego so much. Lmao Karma's just a bitch I guess✊🏻

Geography: 8 (A*)
- I was so surprised with this because I genuinely thought I'd failed. I told my mum "please don't expect more than a pass in geography" because that exam looked nothing like we'd seen in class before and I'd done all this revision and NOTHING in the exam was relevant. I guess every 16 year old must've done badly in geography lol

Drama: 9 (A**)
- I was a little surprised I guess. This is the exception, as the grade was 60% coursework and 40% exam. For the coursework we had to perform 2 pieces (a group devised piece from a stimulus, and a scripted piece) and for the devised piece we had to write a log about it, which would also get graded. In my devised piece I got 19/20 (grade 9) and in my log I got like 62/64 (also a 9) but I never found out what I got in my scripted piece. The exam was pretty easy, you could just learn the structure of the essays you gotta write and change a few words here and there to fit the questions (since they were generic ones) which is what I did, and BAM we got a grade 9 bois. My teacher actually came to find me on my first day of sixth form to tell me that overall I'd hardly dropped any marks, and that I'd got really far into a grade 9. We flexin bois.

Further Maths: A*
- this isn't an official GCSE, but is an extension of maths, so they didn't change the grades on this one. Since I got a grade 8 in normal maths in 2017 the school let me take further maths with the rest of my set 1 class in 2018 who got an 8 or a 9. (There were like four people who got a grade 7 and they couldn't do further maths, they were moved down a set) further maths is just like a bridge between GCSE maths and A-Level maths, and our class just spent the year boosting our own egos. I didn't do loads of revision for this, but I did more than I did for normal maths bc I knew it would be harder. The first exam went pretty well, but the last exam (which was the last of my 20 papers) I thought went awful, and it was such a bad way to end my exams. I guess it turned out alright though 🤷🏽‍♀️

So I got:
6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, A*

So yeah I do A-Levels at my school's sixth form now, and I guess the plan is to go to uni in 2 years. I don't know what I'd do at uni, but I think I've narrowed it down to either microbiology, anatomy, genetics or chemistry. Although they're not set in stone bc I haven't really done enough research into it yet.

I'm studying Biology, Chemistry and Maths for A-Level, and at first I was like "yeah this isn't so bad." Because everyone always said that the jump from GCSE to A-Level was HUGE, and I was kinda underwhelmed at the start of the year. HOWEVER, they've now cut the child's play, and I'm starting to realise that I can't just breeze through A-Levels like I did with GCSE's.

In maths we haven't really learnt anything completely new; it's all either been stuff we should've known for GCSE (which I did know) , stuff we learnt in further maths, or little expansions on things we already know. The only new thing we've really learnt is binomial expansions.

I'm in love with Chemistry. Call me a nerd, but I find it so fascinating. Well, except for the whole calculation side of chemistry. Like mass, moles, molecular mass, concentration, volume, etc... I got a D in that recent test (but so did the rest of the class so we're retaking it next week) but I got a B in my test on mass spectrometry and molecules (that's the fascinating part of chemistry)

I also find biology amazing. Atm we're doing digestion, which is cool and stuff. We've already done things like biological molecules (the atomic structure of glucose etc...) and cell and sub cellular structure. My only problem with biology is that there's so many BIG WORDS TO LEARN. Like did you know that the Rough Endoplasmic Reticulum contains Ribosomes on its surface which produce proteins which are transported to the Golgi Apparatus which packages them into vesicles which then are secreted by exocytosis through the phospholipid bilayer which has a mosaic pattern of intrinsic and extrinsic proteins that can undergo many types of diffusion and active transport in the presence of ATP which is produced during respiration in the mitochondria.

Yeh me neither.

The problem with A-Levels now is not the difficulty of what we're doing (because it's only 3 subjects and I enjoy them all) it's the QUANTITY of what we're doing. Especially maths. Like, I'm gonna say this now and y'all r gonna be like "pfft that's nothing I do 27 hours of homework a day you're just weak." But for every hour of maths I have I get an hours worth of homework. In GCSE the teacher would set you an hours homework to do in like 5 days, and they weren't allowed to set homework due in for the next day. Now I pretty much have a maths lesson every day, so I'm always set maths homework due in for the next day.

The other day we were set 3 hours of homework in maths because sir wasn't in for a lesson, so a lot of people didn't do it (luckily I did) bc he never checks it. and for the first time he checked if we'd done the homework. About 75% of the class had not done all the homework, and so the teacher said if we're not gonna do the work he'll kick us off the course.

So now the entire class is terrified of him. That's another thing, high school is compulsory, whereas we chose to do A-Level, so they can just kick us off if we're not keeping up. One girl was already kicked off the maths course because she got 9% in an early hurdle test. ZOINKS.

So that's all the school stuff out of the way. This next part is just gonna be me talking about my icky feelings which I don't normally do but it is nice to get shit off your chest sometimes.

There's also something that's happened which is just not anything I'm used to at all. I always told myself that if it was gonna happen, it'd probably be in sixth form. And it pretty much has.

Ya boi may
or may not
like someone

and ya boi
may or may not
sit next to them
in maths.

So this guy - we'll call him Q - he's been in my high school since year 7 and we've been in the same form for the 5 years of high school too. Q is like the class clown I guess, he's funny but he was also a little bit of a dick in high school. You know you get those people who go out of their way to embarrass shy people to get a laugh out of their mates? Yeah, that's him.

Guess what? I'm shy.

He knows I listen to kpop, and is probably one of the very few guys that actually knows. It was year 10 sports day and we both had no one to sit next to on the bus so he sat next to me. I had my headphones in and he asks to listen with me, so I went "no lol you won't like it." And he's like "why what is it?" So I go "Korean music." Anyway he insisted on listening to it and about a week later came up to me as I was walking to a class and asked me if I could actually say the lyrics. I said I can (which I can) so he goes "sing a song then" and I'm like "uuhhhhh no."

I also don't think he finds me that weird, I've had people straight up call me strange for liking kpop, and he didn't, he kinda suggested that it was cool but idk. I didn't like him at this point btw, I just thought he was strange.

In year 11 (the last year of high school) we sat next to each other in further maths, but after a while he got moved because he talked too much. (Not to me lol) sometimes he was nice but sometimes he was annoying, and in year 11 all I wanted to do was learn in my lessons, and I'd have Q singing sia's chandelier down my ear. Not well either.

Yeah wasn't fun.

He was also in my drama class in year 11, and one time our class (there was only like 14 of us) were doing theory and we have one of those cool teachers who gets in good convos with the kids and gets distracted. Anyway somehow they got onto the topic of me and my personality even though I wasn't really in the conversation. They were like "Lucy's humour is really dry and unexpected. She always keeps a cool composure and every now and again comes up with some witty comment." And then Q goes "yeah Lucy really makes me laugh sometimes." And then the teacher's like "awww Q that was so sweet." And it completely threw me. Like I was uncomfortable with people talking about me but that comment made me just go "wait what?"

It was at this point that my brain was like "I guess he's not too bad" but it wasn't a crush. I refused to let myself even think about the possibility because I just knew it wouldn't work. He was just a person in the side of my mind that I thought: if anything does happen, then I wouldn't be deterred...

If u get me.

Anyways later on in year 11 (like March) we were in drama again but we were doing coursework in a computer room, and he was talking about the person he likes with two other girls that he's friends with and the teacher. Everyone was like "ooh tell us" and he was like "lol no" but then his friends whispered the girl's name to the teacher and the teacher goes "oh yeah, I know her, the one who takes PE."

I didn't take PE. Never in a million years would I take PE.

So that day I was the tiniest bit sad, but I wasn't like actually sad because I'd accepted my fate before it even happened.

I'm making it sound like I actually liked him at this point... I DIDN'T, I was more worried about passing my exams than some guy.

So I'd forgotten about him after March because I found out who the girl he liked was, and she is so funny, pretty, sporty, clever. Etc... aka x100 better than me, they were already close friends, so I just forgot about it over all my exams, and all of summer - which was a blast.

September came around and I had my first maths lesson as a new sixth form student. (We now get to wear our own clothes instead of a uniform) but our teacher still did a seating plan, and he goes "Lucy, you sit there, and you can sit next tooo..... Q." So im like oh yey im not gonna learn anything bc he's just gonna annoy me all year.

My predictions were pretty correct, at any chance he got he tried to talk to me when I was trying to do maths and I'd always give him one word answers like "no" or "yeah". Also the way he spoke was kinda condescending, so I didn't really wanna have a proper conversation with him. (I'm also the worst at small talk lmao so I tend to just not talk)

About two lessons in we were halfway through a lesson and he goes to me "I have a funny feeling you hate me." And for some reason I just felt really bad, because I didn't hate him at all. So I told him that I didn't hate him, I just wanted to do the maths when he set us questions to do. Since then he didn't annoy me, and instead spoke to me in a nicer tone and actually let me do work, and in return I would actually have conversations with him because he was being a nice person.

Then one day my heart kinda just went "hey, he's actually not that bad."

But I knew from last time that these things just end badly, so like last time I kinda just blocked it because I didn't wanna end up sad, I just kept the possibility in the back of my mind.

However things went a little further than last time. Because last time we didn't actually speak to each other. It got to us talking every day, because I have maths every day, and the more I spoke to him the more I started liking him, and the more the wall around my heart began to crumble.

Ew that was so cliché

Anyway one day we were talking as usual and we were talking about our free time, and he said no one ever snaps him on snapchat and stupid me missed the hint that he could possibly want to talk to me on snapchat. Anyways I only realised when I got home and I was literally kicking myself. I was like "was that my one chance gone? Is this it?"

So I decided to face time my only friend with any guy experience. Grace. (I'm not tagging her lol)

I explained the situation to her and she goes "just send him hey." And I was like "omg I can't do that wtf" and we did that for about an hour until she goes "if you don't send him hey I'll call your mum and tell her." - which she actually would do - so after a lot of panicking I sent "hey :)"

We stayed on face time and waited for his reply, but grace told me to stop checking snapchat because I'd look desperate, so we went off into conversation for a long time. I hadn't got a notification so I go "I'll just quickly check" and there it was. A snap off Q sent 28 minutes ago. I freaked. I was ready to die. I opened it and it said "hey" but in the snap I could see his forehead and he had a confused look on his eyebrows so I was freaking out to grace like "what do I say what do I say what do I sayhhhhhhhh."

I'm the end we went with "I remembered how we both said in maths that we never had anyone to talk to so I thought that we could talk to each other." Or some shit like that. And then he replied a while later and I was actually shitting myself. I was like "if he says no then maths is gonna be so awkward"

He didn't say no. He said something like. "Sounds good, so what's poppin?"

And we've been snapchatting each other for just over a month now.

It's in an awkward stage rn, because idk what's going on and I've never done this before so I have 0 experience. Like we were talking but then one Monday he wasn't in so I sent a snap when I got home and he opened it and ignored me, so I didn't snap him then all of Tuesday bc I was a little sad. Like I'd asked him a question and he just ignored me.

The little wall around my heart had about half of its bricks taken down by this point, which is why I was sad, but I didn't think too much of it because I knew that was stupid and that he still might not even like me so there was no point in getting caught up over it. I built up a few more bricks and carried on with my life for the next day.

I didn't see him until Wednesday when he came into maths, and as soon as he saw me the first thing he did was apologise for ignoring me, he then began to explain that he wasn't well at all and that's why he wasn't in. As soon as he apologised it instantly made me feel better, because although I told myself I didn't care, I did care a little, and my mood had been down for the past day or so. Until that moment, I just felt so much happier because he made sure the first thing he did when he saw me was apologise. And ya know, I thought that was sweet. Plus he was ill, so it wasn't really his fault.

About a week/two weeks ago we started smiling at each other when we passed each other in the hallways. Every morning I have to walk past him to get to my form room, and previously we'd either ignore each other or take nervous glances at each other and sometimes catch each other's eyes for a split second and dAmn it was awkward because we both didn't really know where the other stood. Each day I'd try and challenge myself to make eye contact with him but fuck me it was so hard. Like omg. I'd get better at it each day but it was ReALly hard. Then one day we both looked at each other and he smiled, so I smiled back.

That's all it was, but I practically danced my way to form because I was so happy. I was sat there next to my friend trying not to smile like a fool because none of my school friends knew at this point.

Yeah, it had been months and I'd told no one in school about my little crush on Q. Grace knew from that day I told her a month ago, and the same weekend I told two of my other friends Caitlin and Faye (none of them go to my school, plus I trust them all with my life so lol) but no one from my school knew.

So I'd decided to tell my school bestie, Jess. The reason? Because Q smiled at me. Lolol Ik. The reason I hadn't told her earlier is because we aren't really the types to talk about boys all the time, in fact we'd both moved away from friendship groups who would just always talk about boys because we just didn't care. So I didn't really know what she'd say or how she'd react, or if she'd even care, so I just didn't say. Anyway that day I told her, and she was fully supportive and still is, and it's great to have someone from your school know about it. That was last Thursday.

The next day (Friday) it was lunchtime and we were sat in the hall with all our other friends (there's a huge group of like 18 of us) when out of the corner of my eye I see Q sat in the hall. It was weird bc he always sits in the canteen at lunch, not the hall. He was sat there last Friday too, but I couldn't say anything because nobody knew then. Anyways, he was sat on his phone playing some game with his friends, and I pointed it out to Jess who was like oooo.

So on an impulse I decided to snap him, just a pic of the side of my face and my shoulder. When I sent the snap he looked up and around, then saw me and we made eye contact but he looked away really quickly, whispered to his friends, then replied to my snap with a pic of the top of his head, pretty normal.

I sent another snap, but this time he didn't reply for a while. Most of his friends got up and left after about five minutes, except for him and one guy - who we'll call F - he spoke to F, but his back was turned so I couldn't see what he was saying. F then yelled "well answer then!" And I immediately turned to Jess and went "answer? answer who?" With a suggestive look.

In other words, his friend knew we were talking. Which meant that it actually meant something to him. Well, anyway, I didn't tell people because I didn't wanna seem stupid if nothing ever happened, and the only reason I told people is because I thought it was going somewhere and I wanted it to go somewhere, so I thought it might be the same for him (hopefully fingers crossed)

I also have a feeling that more than one of his friends know. I'm not too sure on who's in his friendship group exactly, but he told me he went to Nando's with 3 guys when we were talking: one of them was F, and the other two we'll call L and N who are both in my chemistry.

Well the week before I told Jess about Q, L and N were walking into chemistry and L was proper staring at me. It was kinda weird, like we made eye contact and any normal person would've looked away if someone caught them staring - but he just kept staring. Like, I looked away for a second then looked back again and he was STILL STARING AT ME. He also sits behind me so I couldn't see him all lesson, so I just felt uncomfortable the whole time because I could almost feel him staring at me.

I know you're thinking Lucy, what does that have anything to do with him knowing? Well, you know when you get someone who previously had no meaning to you before, they were just a name, and at some point someone points them out to you and they all of a sudden have more meaning. You'll end up noticing them more often because they're no longer just a person, they're the person that so and so likes, if you get me. So it almost feels like he's been told and he's like "oh shit, there she is." Like for some reason I've become someone of importance to him, like he has to me because he's friends with the person I like. Get me? No? Okay whatever lol.

Also when Q went to Nando's with his friends he took a snap of his food and put it on his story, and it had N in it too. Like, first off, do guys even take photos of their food? Sorry to be stereotypical, but he doesn't seem like the type of person to do that. And N seemed to be thinking the same thing, because you could see N's face in the snap, and N was looking at Q like "mate you look like a fucking twat, what are you doing?" So I think he may know too.

Buuuut idk.

Ohh and also on Friday in maths I didn't really realise at the time but when I got home I did and I like freakEd. We were in the middle of maths and I just turned my head to face Q and he turned to face me and we just full on stared into each other's eyes for like three solid seconds. Do you know how freaking long that is? He has the nicest blue eyes and the best smile in the world and when I got home I kinda just curled up in my bed and uwu'd for eternity. Like out of the blue, we just decided to stare into each other's eyes, and it wasn't awkward at all, and I loved it.

Like this whole experience has just been so crazy. I've always read fanfics and the girl is always so pathetic and I've always been like pffttt it can't really be like that, this is so over dramatic with all these cringe metaphors and shit. But nope. I've never felt anything like this before; it's like, I go into school everyday just looking forward to seeing him, and maybe today will be the day something happens.

And like the smallest things make me so happy. Like that first smile actually sent me to cloud nine. It's softer than Park Jimin has ever made me feel and that in itself is so surprising. The feeling is just indescribable.

But now I'm at a point where if it doesn't work out I will most definitely be sad as fuck. Like, this wall around my heart has been stripped to its foundations, if he asked me out I'd say yes in a heartbeat and I hate myself for being so icky and cringey and gross.

Catch me coming here in like a month or two, sad as shit bc it hasn't worked lol. Hopefully I haven't jinxed myself now rip.

I think I've said pretty much everything... the Christmas holidays are coming up in a week and I LOwkey wanna do something with him outside of school like idk go into town skdkdkssss idk lolollllll but it's not gonna happen because we 🅱️ussy nation and so is he, plus it's been a month and the most significant thing that's happened is we've smiled at each other sooooooooooo

On a less lovey dovey note who's watching the final season o fAIRY TAILL WOOO!!!!

Anyways stream Love Shot dudes peace out xoxo

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