To Noel.

Oh, God. 

What am I even supposed to write to you?

  I miss you, Noel.

     I miss you. You and your smile, always making me feel better when I felt like crying. The way you'd throw your head back and laugh, this warm, rich laugh like hot coffee. The way you'd put your hands behind your head when you were sitting, or how you never backed down from a challenge, always going through with it even if you knew you were going to lose. You were like an older brother to me. And I miss you, I really do.

      I don't know what I plan on doing without you. You were always there to guide me, even if you didn't know it. I remember playing hide-and-seek when we were little, during that outdoor party where your parents had invited everyone in the neighborhood to your house. It was sunny, with little puffball clouds floating in the sky. You, Nick, Evelyn, and I were running around the backyard playing tag, remember?

     We kept running under tables and hiding under the large white tablecloths, hoping the others wouldn't catch us. Then all of a sudden, one of us would poke their head under the table, and we would shriek and run away. That's how small we were.

     I remember how, after you had caught me for the fifth time that day, you didn't let go of my arm and made me slow to a stop, both of us breathing hard. I looked back at you and you grinned, the sweat running down the sides of your face in rivulets. "Let's play hide-and-seek! I'm getting tired of running after you. You're too slow. You get caught every time."

I looked at you and frowned, still breathless. "I don't run slow!"

You tried to roll your eyes, mimicking the adults. "Yes, you do. Come on, let's go get the other two and play hide-and-seek," you said, and ran off into the crowd to go find them.

      I followed you reluctantly, but I got caught up in the game and forgot that I was supposed to be mad at you. You were "It" first and you turned toward the fence, counting. "Ten, nine, eight, seven.."

The rest of us dispersed in fits of giggles to go hide.

     I ran inside the house and hid behind the big flower pot near the staircase, curling my legs up against my chest and wrapping my arms tightly around myself while I waited for you to find me. I could feel my heart beating, and I remember thinking that Mom wouldn't be too pleased with the way I had gotten grass stains on my new summer dress. I shut my eyes tightly, thinking that if I couldn't see you, you couldn't see me. I waited, not daring to move in case you saw. But you didn't come. I waited for a long time, and nothing. I eventually heard your voice in the other room talking to your mom about something, probably about not running around the house during a party. Then you were gone. I didn't hear anything else, and so I sat behind my flower pot and waited.

       Eventually, I crawled out from my hiding spot and went out to search for you. I found you sitting outside playing peek-a-boo with someone's baby. I fold my arms and stalked over to you, mad that you hadn't come looking for me. I was an irritable child when I was little, and you just weren't making my day. When you looked up, you stared at me and your eyes widened as you caught on before I said anything.

"Were you still hiding?"

I glared at you. "I was waiting for you," I said, tears threatening to fall as I stood in front of you. "You didn't come."

My voice quivered at the end and you noticed and immediately stood up.

"I'm sorry, Zeenath. I thought Nick told you. Evie had to leave, so we all stopped playing the game."

"Well, he didn't. And you didn't come!" I unfolded my arms and let them hang by my sides as I turned away from you.

You came and put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't know the dummy wasn't going to listen." Your eyes brightened. "Wait." You pulled me back around to face you. "Go back and hide again. Do-over."

I looked at you. "There's no do-over in hide-and-seek!"

You grinned. "Sure there is. Now go hide."

     I sighed and walked back to my flower pot, wiping away stray tears as I did. I crouched back behind the pot and waited, wondering what you were planning.

     I sat there for a good five minutes, counting in my head, wondering where you were. Then I started to feel dumb. You were trying to make me do the same thing again! I huffed and got ready to get up again. I wasn't going to find you this time. I was going to go find someone else to play with.

     Then I felt your hand on my shoulder again, and turned to look at you. You were crouched next to me with a secretive smile on your face and one hand behind your back. You saw me look at your hidden hand and brought it forward. You were holding a bunch of purple hyacinths, probably ones you had picked from your mom's backyard garden.

You smiled. "I found you." 

My lip quivered and my cheeks burned. You laughed a little, and that was what broke the dam. I started crying, resting my head on my knees so you couldn't see.

"I'm sorry," I sniffled.

You giggled again, and patted my back. "It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes I did. I was a big meanie to you!" I looked up at you through my tears.

You shrugged. "No biggie."

You sat next to me for a minute, but the silence was making you squirm. You eventually huffed and got up. "Stop crying, you baby. Let's go play!"

I grinned at you and held the now-crushed hyacinths in my little hand as I wiped the tears away and got up. "Okay."

     I put the flowers behind the big flowerpot and told you it was for safekeeping, and I'd come back and get them later. You just grinned at me and locked your hands behind your head and started to lead the way, your legs extending like a robot's, and stomping the ground while you walked. I hurried after you.

      Later that day, we picked the petals off of the hyacinths and released them into the pond behind your house. You and I sat back and started picking at the grass again while we watched the little purple petals float away.

      That was you when we were little, Noel. That was you. That was the you that I relied on, and loved having as a friend. Because you were a year older than me, you liked pretending to boss me around and teasing me.

      I saw that part of you hidden somewhere in your eyes a few months before I left too. Behind your dirty clothes, and unkempt hair, and unfocused eyes, I saw it. You said, "I'll miss her too, little sis," and that soft glint was back in your eyes, and I hadn't seen it in so long, it almost made me cry and forget all about leaving our little town. I wanted to stay right there, not having to care about anything. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was, and I know you did too. Something broke in you the day the doctors cut off her life support.

       I never saw this soft side of you after that day until that night when I said goodbye. Not that you knew it was goodbye. I never told you I was leaving. Something had broken in me, and I needed you. I think you needed me too, but you were too messed up and gone to say so. I should've said something. I should have made you sit down and talk to me, but I didn't. I wallowed in my own grief and watched you burn to ashes in yours. I should have never let you go that day without telling you how much I'd miss you too. It makes me cry to think I didn't, and now you're gone.

      I remember the first time you called me your little sister. We were in Evelyn's dad's car, waiting for Evelyn to come outside so we could go to the camping ground. Mr.Young had gone to check on his daughter, leaving us alone in the car. You were sitting in the front seat, something that you always bragged about because you were the first of us to turn thirteen. Nick was already at the campsite, you had said. He was with your dad, setting up stuff while they waited for us to arrive. You sighed. At least that's what you thought. You weren't looking forward to arriving just to see him asleep instead.

      I was sitting in the backseat right behind you. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around your headrest and leaned my head against it, sighing. "Aaaah... Where's Evelyn?"

You laughed. "She's coming, little sis. Don't be so impatient."

I looked up at you and raised an eyebrow. "Since when did I become related to you?"

"Since I said so."

"I'm not your little sister. I look nothing like you or Nick. "

You chuckled. "Yeah you are. Maybe not by blood, but...maybe just because you were meant to be."

I made a noise and put my head down again, but not before you looked through the rearview mirror and saw me smiling.

     From then on, you started to tell people I was your little sister. And you treated me that way too. I don't know how you came up with something like that, but that night, when I was lying next to Evelyn, I looked up at the Big Dipper and silently gave your name to the star next to mine. I never told you though.

I always look up at your star when I think of you, especially at night. It's shining right next to mine.

~Zeenath.

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Yay! I feel so happy after finishing this chapter. It's personally one of my favorites! :) This chapter is dedicated to DarkHeartsLiveOn because she's the sweetest, four-years-apart twin I've had. :P Go check her out. <3

As always, be sure to let me know what you think! Please consider commenting/voting to let me know how I'm doing! :) 

~October