This chapter is kind of ouch. Trigger warning for self harm. And...yeah.

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The next week passed in a flurry of events Eren could hardly keep straight in his head. One thing he knew for sure was the case of cabin fever settling in as the day went on in that tiny apartment. Of course, he kept it to himself. Levi already had more than enough to deal with.

Tuesday, he decided it would be in his best interest to call Reiner and tell him the situation, though he was almost certain Alex had already shared with him what she knew. As Eren explained the situation, he found he'd been right to assume the raven's sister had told him of Levi's condition. Strangely, Reiner seemed sad. It didn't seem Reiner's style to feel bad for anyone; the teen brushed it off as it being concern for his future brother in law, or even as simple as it being his fiancée's brother.

In the end, he let both of them keep their position at the shop for the time being so they could return when possible, but again Eren knew it only had to do with Alex. He knew he wouldn't keep two flaky people employed under him if he were in Reiner's place.

They both spoke to Alex, as well, much to Levi's reluctance. She tried to talk him into rehab, gave him a list of pros and cons with the pros greatly outweighing the cons; both of them knew she made it sound that way intentionally. When Eren spoke to her, he moved to another part of the apartment and told her there was no way to talk him into it, for he'd already tried a few times.

"He'll have to make the decision on his own, Alex, whether we like it or not."

"And if he never does?"

"I think he will. He's...in too much pain not to eventually."

"Then call me as soon as he does. I don't care if it's at the asscrack of dawn or even earlier, or if I'm at work. Call me."

"I will."

"I'm holding you to your word, Eren."

She proceeded to tell him she could add him to her insurance policy through her employment since he was blood-related family. Eren promised again to contact her when he made the decision.

Wednesday rolled around in a drag, and with it came Levi's second relapse since Eren's presence. He'd been asleep, stretched out comfortably on the couch dreaming about something he no longer remembered. He woke up that morning to find Levi locked in the bathroom again, though it took little coaxing to get him to open the door. He'd stood there with his arms crossed and eyes downcast, guilt distorting his features clearly. The teen merely shook his head and told him to eat while he was able to keep food down for a while, and then get some rest as well. He'd been soundly asleep on his own couch as the sun was setting when the high died and immediately woke up to puke right into the bucket Eren left on the floor next to his head.

Thursday seemed better but worse at the same time. Worse because Levi's body rejected any kind of nourishment, including water and tea. Worse because his emotions got the better of him more so than normal. But better because music seemed to help greatly in a way neither of them could explain. Levi had pulled his laptop from beneath the couch and told Eren to continue playing the CD, insisting he start it on track six. It was the song he'd pulled that quote from, about the crack of sunlight. Listening to the lyrics once more, Eren had an epiphany. That drawing had, indeed been some sort of metaphor...and he realized that he himself was what was represented by the crack of sunlight in the ceiling. It was something he was unable to get out of his head for days. Unfortunately, they only made it through track 11 before a coughing fit took over and nearly had him passing out. As he laid curled up against the arm of the couch that night, he said in his raspy voice, "All of those songs hold some stupid metaphor for this disastrous situation. Clever, brat. Real clever." He let out a half-hearted "tch" before he drifted under.

Friday morning, a few hours before the sun was supposed to begin lighting the sky with bright pinks and oranges, Levi'd jerked back awake with a start. His erratic breathing and merciless trembling was what woke Eren, as well, for he'd fallen asleep curled up at the opposite end of the couch. At first, to Eren's sleepy eyes, it appeared Levi was having some sort of panic attack. He buried his face in his knees, his hands tangled in his unruly black locks so tight the teen had an inkling he was trying to rip it out. As the teen came to full alertness, it started to look like a seizure. Levi was moaning into his knees, rocking back and forth. Tremors, one right after the other, shooting up his body. Of course, this had Eren panicking within seconds. He readied his phone to dial 911, yet somehow the raven stopped him by reaching out and seizing his ankle, muttering a strained "no".

"Levi, you're seizing up, I can't just-"

And just like that, it ended. The quivering died back down to normal, as did his breathing, and his muscles began to relax one by one.

"J-just a f-flashback," he breathed. "Go back t-to sleep..."

Adrenaline had been flying through Eren's system at that point, and even if it hadn't been, he wouldn't have been able to get any more rest after such an episode. Levi didn't sleep, either, and they ended up turning on a random movie on HBO.

The following two nights - or, rather, times it was appropriate for sleeping; whether it was at night or not was irrelevant - were spent on the bathroom floor for both of them. The first night, Levi was throwing up as much as stomach acid once there was absolutely nothing else in him. Tears streamed down his sullen cheeks and he gripped his sides, muttering to himself past his teeth about how much he wanted to die. Eren remained beside him despite his weak attempts to push him out. The second night was a bit better; he wasn't vomiting but claimed to be so dizzy he couldn't keep his eyes open. Instead of trying to push Eren away, he in fact asked him to stay. Though Eren hadn't intended on leaving him in the first place, it was surprising yet somehow pleasant to hear the request.

The night after that, however, Levi relapsed once more. This time Eren was merely in the kitchen looking for something to eat when he noticed the vacancy of the couch. He was much too late, however. This time the raven was no longer even in the bathroom, but sprawled across his bed. He'd had a razor blade shut away in his fist. Blood dripped from it and stained the sheets. Much to his reluctance, having painful memories associated with an item like that, Eren pried it out of his hand and got rid of it before bandaging his hand - the same one that had smashed the mirror - and the new cuts marking up his biceps. He bit his tongue the whole time, fighting off his own inner demons triggered by the sight of the cuts and all the blood.

"I'm sorry, Eren," Levi mumbled brokenly as he was being bandaged. "I know that means nothing. I keep hurting you. I hate myself so much for it. I'm so sorry..."

In automatic response, Eren forced a smile, from which Levi turned his head and said, "Don't do that. Just...don't."

"What?"

"Don't smile at me like that...like you're trying to pretend everything is okay when in reality nothing is okay...not even remotely close."

And when Eren remained silent, unable to conjure up a response for that, the raven said, "I don't understand how you're still here after all of this. What could possibly keep you here..." He seemed to be pondering to himself out loud.

"I won't let you die, Levi," Eren had told him past tears he hadn't even realized we're falling until Levi caught one with his thumb. "I care about you too much. I know I'm an idiot or whatever for staying here, but I won't abandon you. Not ever."

Levi was quiet after that, even as he stood and went outside for a cigarette despite being high.

The next morning, being Monday, Eren called his mother for the first time in several days. Hearing her voice brought a little more hope back to him. Levi was asleep, so the only reason he had to hold back any detail was to spare triggering her. She reassured him countless times, of course always knowing what to say to make everything alright again. And as she spoke to him about how weird and unpredictable love is, he found himself smiling slightly while he watched the raven sleep, though of course later mentally smacked himself for being such a sap.

He announced to her that morning that he'd officially decided to drop out. She promised to help him make it final, causing him to feel like a baby for needing his mother's help but grateful for it at the same time.

And of course, she brought up his birthday.

"It's just a little over a month away. I have to have ideas for what to get you."

"You don't have to get me anything, Mom."

"Then I'll at least bake you a cake. I know you can't say no to German chocolate."

He smiled until he realized he might not be able to go home and enjoy that cake with his family.

As for Mikasa, she was doing well. Apparently she'd made a new friend named Annie and was too busy with her to talk on the phone at that moment, but Eren passed along his greeting before his phone beeped signaling a low battery and forcing him to hang up.

Once his phone charged, he contacted Armin to let him know his decision, as well. In typical Armin fashion, the blond reminded him he supported his best friend, as well as reminded him to be careful and to remember to consider his own well-being too.

After that, he started putting the official dropping out in order. Levi sat across the room with narrow, disapproving eyes as he did so. Eren merely ignored him and was thankful when the raven said nothing about it later.

On Tuesday, Levi rarely left the bathroom. He had nothing to puke, but he felt the need to nonetheless. Eren couldn't help but hover for fear of another relapse, though his effort was fruitless; Levi used Eren's rumbling stomach as an excuse to be left alone by telling him to get something to eat. Eren complied with reluctance, and as soon as Levi wandered back down the hall, making an obvious effort to keep his steely gaze away from Eren, the teen knew. Wordlessly, he'd set a bowl of soup on the coffee table in front of the drawing artist before sitting down with his own bowl and eating in silence.

~*~

Presently, Eren was dozing off on the couch. Random images were flitting through the backs of his eyelids as he waited for full on sleep.

But that was when he heard it - the whimpering. As much as he would've preferred staying there, ignoring it, and getting some sleep, his better sense took over and he opened his eyes. In the dark, he could just make out Levi's figure curled up on the floor. He appeared much the same as the other night when he claimed to be having a flashback - seizing up, fists holding fast to hair, face buried in knees, noises of pain escaping his lips.

Immediately, Eren threw the blanket off of himself and rushed to the raven's side. His hands fluttered about in a panicky manner; he had no idea what to do.

"L-Levi..." he murmured. He gently place his hands on the man's shoulder blades. Levi gasped, his head snapping up. His face was shiny with tears and sweat, but the look in his eyes was so agonized that Eren felt a twinge of it in his very core.

Levi's breathing hitched and he somehow managed to curl in tighter on himself. Fear and adrenaline taking over Eren, he took the raven's clammy hand and then the other. He somehow managed to coax Levi into a semi-sitting position. Little hiccups were moving in place of his breathing, his eyes unfocused but his hands suddenly clinging to Eren's with strength neither of them knew he had.

"C-come here," Eren whispered. Slowly, he slid his arms around Levi's much too slender torso and pulled him into his lap as gently as possible. Levi didn't fight, but clung to Eren's shirt and buried his face in his shoulder.

"They're gone," he whimpered. "She's gone...she's dead..."

Eren felt his features twisted up in desperation as he held onto the raven, rubbing his back with one hand and smoothing his hair with the other. He felt helpless. All he knew to do was wait until it was over.

He whimpered again. This time, a name.

"Izzy..."

Eyes squeezed shut, Eren rested his forehead atop oily black locks. Levi was quivering so profusely that Eren himself felt as though he was shaking, too. Despite the layers Levi wore - a muscle shirt, two long-sleeved shirts including a turtle neck, and his hoodie, Eren could still feel how scarily thin he was. His hand stilled in the center of his back; he could feel the quickened thrumming of the raven's heart as it tried to keep up with the stress being put upon his body.

Eren's chest squeezed painfully. It hit him just how agonizing this all was for the man he loved. Not only for his body but for his mind and soul, as well. It seemed he was just barely clinging to life, or perhaps sanity. He was fighting so hard...and though even in the deepest corners of his being he despised to admit it, Eren knew it was a losing battle.

Subtly, Levi's whimpers subsided and he relaxed a bit, though made no move away from the teen. Eren could feel moisture soaking through his shirt where Levi's face was pressed but paid it no mind.

And then he began coughing, transferring his face into the crook of his own arm as he retched and shook with each. His other hand remained clutching the teen's shirt. By the time it was over, his entire face was reddened and his cheeks tear streaked. His breathing was auditory through his trachea, wheezing in and out in a struggle. The whites of his eyes were no longer white at all, but so pink they could almost be considered red around the glassy, somber gray irises and pupils.

When he tried to speak, nothing but a choked sound came out. He'd completely lost his voice from all the coughing. Defeated, he let his head fall against Eren's chest, shaking his head ever so slightly.

Eren kept him folded in his embrace, not feeling the need to say anything. He felt defeated as well, but remained outwardly strong for the sake of the other.

"Do you think you can sleep?" Eren whispered into the silence after a while. Levi merely shook his head, sitting up a little. The teen's arms loosened. "What about stand?" Levi half-shrugged. Gently, Eren took his bandaged hand. With adjusted eyes, he could just make out the small stains of blood seeping through the gauze.

"Should probably take a closer look at these," he murmured.

With that, he helped Levi to his feet, keeping a gentle hand upon his waist for support. He led the man who hobbled more than walked down to the bathroom. Once there, Levi sunk down onto the toilet lid and rubbed his sleeve across his face while Eren pulled the medical items from the cabinet. In the mirror, he didn't miss the dark splotch on his left shoulder where Levi's recent tears had soaked in. Chest squeezing again, he retrieved the items and averted his eyes from the mirror.

He held his hand out and waited for Levi to place his own in it. He then carefully began to pull the stained gauze off of it. The cuts on his knuckles were already pretty much healed, but the ones from the razor, though they weren't bleeding anymore, still had a ways to go. Shifting his focus to his task at hand, Eren got to work wetting a washcloth with cool water and gently wiping the dried blood from Levi's palm. He then applied peroxide - something he'd picked up from a short shopping run a few days ago.

When it finished bubbling, he murmured, "I'll leave it unbandaged for now so they can get some air."

Levi's brows furrowed. He whispered, "How do you know all this stuff?"

A small smirk tugged at a corner of Eren's lips. "My dad was a doctor. I picked some stuff up from him when I was younger...y'know, skinning my knees and stuff."

Levi stared at him in shock.

"I know. Hard to believe, right? Because of what happened. But yeah, he was."

The raven didn't miss the flicker of sadness in Eren's tired eyes.

"Sorry," he whispered.

The teen shook his head. "Don't worry about it. And don't whisper. It's bad for your vocal folds."

Levi muttered a 'tch'.

"Can I check your arms, too?"

Levi's Adams apple bobbed nervously as he nodded and began to pull his hoodie over his head, followed by one of the other shirts and then rolling up the sleeves on the other.

The gauze on his biceps were bloodstained, as well. Holding his breath, Eren peeled it off and threw it in the trash with the other. These still trickled blood; they'd been deeper than the ones on his hand. Eren was almost sure he'd have gone down to the muscle beneath the skin had it been any deeper.

"You don't have to-" Levi began but was interrupted by a sharp, "shh!"

Levi never took his eyes off of Eren's face as he worked, applying the cool washcloth and then the peroxide. His brows were knitted together in concentration, his lips slightly pursed. It was evident he was holding his breath. The pain was apparent, as well, in the midst of concentration in pools of seafoam green. Levi wanted nothing more than to erase that pain, though he hadn't an inkling of how to do so. All he could seem to do was hurt the teenager. The amount of hatred and resentment he bore for himself for that seemed infinite.

"That feel okay?" Eren asked after applying a new bandage. Levi nodded as he moved on to the other arm.

This time Levi stared down at his hands, his forearms. Scars and healing cuts similar to the ones Eren was so kindly treating marked them up all over. They were hideous, almost like a personification of his soul itself. There were dark spots, as well, in the places he'd last injected the monster. They weren't something that had occurred before, but he figured it was just a new side effect, perhaps after using for so long. Bluish veins were prominent under his grayish skin, particularly around the newest injection sites.

"Good?" asked Eren again, breaking the junkie out of his thoughts. He nodded once more. Eren began returning the medical supplies to the cabinet. "You should go lay down, even if you can't sleep," he said.

"You need sleep," Levi insisted, pushing himself to his feet using the counter.

"I'll be fine."

Before he could stop the impulse, Levi lifted his uninjured hand and placed it on Eren's cheek, turning his face to be able to see it fully. With narrow eyes, he clicked his tongue.

Eren's eyes became huge and round at the unexpected contact. Levi's hand was freezing, yet somehow it caused a warm tingle on Eren's skin.

"Worry about yourself for once, would you?" muttered the raven. With that, he gently pushed that one strand of hair out of the way and dropped his hand.

"I'll only sleep if you try, too," he replied. "And stop whispering," he tacked on.

Sighing, Levi reached for his clothes and redressed himself the way he was. His head was pounding and he still caught images of his so recent flashback when he blinked. He had neither the strength or the will to argue with the brat, so he nodded.

A few minutes later, he was curled up in bed, staring off into space as he waited for Eren. The teen returned with a couple bottles of water and an extra blanket.

"Need anything else?" he asked before he laid down.

Levi merely pointed at the teen himself. Taking the invitation, he joined the raven, yawning widely in the process. It was sort of unspoken between them, as Eren made himself comfortable and then opened his arms and Levi willingly moved into them, that the ice seemed to be broken and they were more comfortable this way than hours earlier. Truth be told, Levi felt safe in those arms, and somehow being protected by Eren's embrace made everything a little more bearable. It was another human thing he was surprised to suddenly be feeling...the need for physical comfort. He hadn't hugged anyone in years. In fact, thinking back, he never really allowed himself to be embraced by or to embrace another since he was a small child.

And of course, he needed the warmth as well. The only time he was remotely warm was being wrapped up in three or four different blankets, wearing several layers, and holding a cup of hot tea. Even then he felt chilled.

But Eren...his body was like a furnace compared to his own. It was warm all over, particularly in the crevices such as under his arm, where Levi's shoulder was tucked, and beneath his chin where his head was tucked. He hadn't been this comfortable in ages. Hadn't felt safer or, admittedly, more loved than he did lying there, curled up next to the body of the one who loved him for reasons he still could not fathom.

And, as Eren's breathing deepened into a soft rhythm as he drifted off into a calm slumber, his eyelashes resting delicately against his smooth brown cheeks, all traces of pain and worry vacant from his features, Levi had also never felt like more of a monster. Everything he'd done in the past couple of weeks had hurt the chocolate-haired teenager in one way or another. He continued to take from him and he knew it, further damaging his spirit and injecting his own kind of poison into his life. No matter how hard he tried to prevent him more pain, he felt he only continued to inflict damage.

'If only I'd never chosen this life,' he thought. 'If only we'd met under different circumstances. If only I wasn't such a fucking demon...'

Yet in the midst of these thoughts, he was still too selfish to remove himself from Eren's arms. Back in December, he had resolved to never lay another tainted hand on the purity that was Eren Jaeger.

'How feeble was that?' he thought bitterly. 'And I say his attempts are feeble...'

Slowly, Levi let his eyelids slide closed. With concentration, he managed to match his rhythm of breathing with Eren's. It hurt, the air pulling in and out of his lungs so much slower, so much more deeply than usual. But pain was nothing new to him, and for a moment he wanted to be strong, to find a reason to give Eren to keep believing in him and assure him that maybe, just maybe, he could get through this and manage to live and remain himself. His only reason for wanting that anymore was for the very life pressed against his cold ear. Otherwise, he knew the world didn't need him, or in fact would be better off without him. Alex could stop worrying. Reiner could find a better artist. And who else did he really have? His dealer? He would find others, make better money. They could give the apartment to someone more deserving.

Eren was his sole reason, but he was more than enough. For this bright eyed, dopey, stubborn, beautiful, idiotic brat, he would keep breathing, keep his heart beating for as long as he could. He owed the brat that much, at the very least.

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I wanted to thank you guys for 1.5K reads. Really, it isn't much but I super appreciate it and I love each and every person who's read this and acknowledged if they like it & all that and ugghhh I love you guys so much<3