This chapter hurts. .~.

---

Levi didn't get much sleep that night. How could he, when his entire body was aching in more ways than one, when he continued to puke up everything Eren had managed to coax down his throat that evening and more, when the monster's beckoning from beneath the bathroom sink was almost deafening to him? Somehow he managed to fight it, but he could feel his will weakening with every tick of the clock above his head where he sat, wrapped up in three different blankets and his sketchbook open to a blank page in his lap, favorite pencil poised between his shaking fingers.

The last time he'd checked the clock it had been just before 3 AM. Eren was fast asleep on the sofa across the room, facing away from him with one of his feet sticking out of his blanket. Levi'd picked up that he was a pretty heavy sleeper. Thankfully he didn't snore or talk, though; what an annoyance that would be. His soft, even breathing was the only thing keeping Levi where he sat rather than fleeing down the hall and right back to the syringe.

Before he knew it, rays of sunlight were finding their way between the small openings between the blinds and flooding spots on the floor and coffee table. By then, he'd slept maybe an hour, but no more.

***

Presently, the raven stood just outside the apartment door in his usual spot with a lit, half-smoked cigarette betwixt his fingers. He was there merely out of habit and in hopes that a parasite might help chase away his desire for the monster, though the effort was fruitless. Since his health had been deteriorating so much, even cigarettes were becoming undesirable to him. He already hated the taste and the smoke only brought on more coughing, which only served to amplify the excruciating burning of his lungs and throat.

Sighing lightly, he snuffed the glowing stick out on the brick behind him and carelessly let it fall to the ground before turning and heading back inside. He'd only been standing for a few minutes, but his weak legs were already complaining and ready to give out.

Inside, he found Eren emerging from the bathroom. It always made him nervous when the teen went in there, knowing what was hidden beneath the sink. He put it past him to look down there, though. The brat wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, nor the bravest.

The brunet wandered down the hall, chewing absently on his lip and running his fingers along the wall, brows knitted together and eyes downcast. Watching, Levi sunk back down onto the couch, unable to hold himself up any longer.

"What's with you today, brat?" he asked, reaching for his cup of tea that was, distastefully, already cooling off.

Eren met his eyes, seemingly surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Tch. You're restless as hell and you've barely spoken a word."

"It's nothing," he lied, taking a seat as well. Almost immediately, his leg began bouncing. "I'm fine."

Levi sat back, eyeing the shaking leg. "Stop that," he muttered. "And please, brat, I'm not blind. Spill."

Eren's leg ceased movement as asked, but his hands then found something to occupy themselves with, which was fidgeting with the hem of his tan, long-sleeved shirt.

"I'm just...nervous. That's all."

Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes for sake of keeping the dizziness away. It was an on and off thing. At that moment it was off and he intended to keep it that way as long as possible.

"Obviously. What about, is what I'm asking."

"I just don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole school thing."

Immediately, Levi's stomach clenched. He lowered his tea cup into his lap and averted his eyes from the teen. Guilt flooded in like a river after a rainstorm. His better judgment told him to keep his mouth shut, though he wanted to tell Eren he should've gone and should continue going...that he wasn't worth jeopardizing his education and entire future over.

Instead, he found himself asking, "Are you having second thoughts?"

Eren's answer was immediate and certain. "About you? Absolutely not."

Levi felt a pang deep within him at those words, however it wasn't all bad. It felt good, actually, to know someone cared for him so much. It was selfish, of course, but he couldn't deny that he was thankful for it. On the other hand, every fiber of his being seemed amused at the statement. He knew down to every last one of his nerve endings, in the core of his bones, that he wasn't worth the trouble Eren was going through for him. Such thinking took over the good feeling quickly.

"Not about me," he said, voice edgy. "About dropping out."

"I'm...not sure. It's not really an easy decision to make, y'know?"

"Not really. I'm sure it's much more difficult for you than it was for me."

"Elaborate?"

Absently tracing the rim of his tea cup, feeling slightly hypocritical for telling Eren to stop fidgeting and then doing it himself, he responded. "My monster made the decision for me. It was more important than anything at that point. Whereas you...you get to make the decision on your own." He paused to take a sip of the tea. The flavor was still decent, though it still needed to be warmed. "But I guess I shouldn't blame another force for poor decisions made on my behalf." He half-shrugged, attempting to seem casual about it.

Peeking up from under his lashes, Levi saw Eren's eyes narrow.

"You really don't want me to quit, do you?"

Reserving his features as best he could, the raven met those bright green orbs. "No," he said, "I don't."

Finally, tan hands ceased their fidgeting and the teen straightened his posture a bit. "Can I ask you something?"

Levi flinched. He'd always hated that question. But despite his discomfort, he nodded once.

"What was the longest amount of time you went before relapsing in the past month?"

Levi cocked a brow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Answer and I'll tell you."

He let out a small "tch" before considering it. Out of habit, he ran the ball of his tongue piercing over the back of his teeth as he thought.

"Maybe twelve hours," he said finally.

"This time it's been two days," the teen explained. "Why do you think that is?"

Levi's fingers tightened around the tea cup they were wrapped around. It was annoying how this teenager was speaking so condescendingly to him.

"The obvious reason," he muttered through his teeth. "Because you're here."

"Exactly. What do you think would happen if I left?"

Levi's immediate answer was 'death', but he refrained from saying it. Instead, he said, "As if you don't know."

"That's my point, Levi." Eren's voice was softer now, in that way that sent tingles down the raven's spine and over his arms. It caused him to shiver. "If I leave, you'll just end up worse than you are. I'm already having trouble forgiving myself for leaving you alone before. If I did that again..." His words trailed off into a shake of his head. That adorable crease appeared between his brows again, and some of the luster in those bright turquoise irises faded. His fidgeting started back up. "I care about you too much to-"

Levi cut him off with a dry, humorless laugh. "Care about me," he snorted. "You're delusional if you care about something like me."

"You're not a thing, Levi. You're a human. A person."

The artist snorted again. "Hardly," he mumbled. "I lost my humanity years ago. The only reason I might be classified as a human is because I have the body of one."

"D-don't say that. You are human..." Eren's eyes were wide again, filled with something that resembled fear.

'Good,' thought the raven, 'He should be afraid.'

"That's beside the point. The point is you're wasting your life being here."

"What, do you want me to leave?"

Levi gritted his teeth. "No. It would just be in your best interest."

"I'm not going anywhere, then."

"You're such a fool," he muttered. "You say you can't forgive yourself for leaving me alone, but I won't be able to forgive myself when I drag you down with me."

Eren had just opened his mouth to respond when the ringing of his phone cut him off. Blinking rapidly, he fumbled to pick it up. He cleared his throat and his voice was semi-reserved when he answered.

"Hey, Mom."

Immediately, every muscle in Levi's body stiffened, amplifying the aching. His fingers remained tight around his tea cup as he listened to Eren's side of the conversation.

"No, I'm fine, don't worry."

Of course Carla could tell he was distressed by hearing him speak two words. Levi felt himself in envy of the brat again, for having such a caring mother in his life.

And suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. Everything had built up over the past few days - trying to spare Eren any more pain; his own pain, both physical and emotional; burying his burning need for his drug; the envy; the desperation; the agony...

It was no longer a burning need for the monster, but white-hot critical need. His body demanded it, and now. It took over his rational thinking and his will, snuffing it out as easily as a candle in a rainstorm.

Paying no mind to anything else - not the tea cup, which tumbled to the floor and let the remnants of the liquid spill, nor the brat still on the phone - he stood and strode down the hall and into the bathroom faster than he thought was possible for his weak limbs. He could think of nothing but relieving himself of this pain and guilt, especially for Eren - keeping him away from everything good in his life.

Swiftly, he shut and locked the door, hoping to some higher power the brunet wouldn't find the key, or even think to look for one.

Trembling down to his very bones, Levi turned. For the first time in days, he allowed himself a look at his reflection. He scarcely recognized the person he saw - thin, cheekbones prominent beneath his grayish white skin. The hair on the sides of his head, generally neatly shaved, was beginning to grow out. His eyes were sunken into his skull, surrounded by gray circles. The eyes themselves personified the burning agony he felt within.

Disgusted, a disturbing feeling settling itself into the pit of his stomach, he sunk to the floor in front of the cabinet. His hands shook mercilessly as he fumbled to open it. The contents of the inside were unchanged. He felt their pull, like they'd been waiting for him.

Slowly, he reached for the syringe. As soon as his fingers made contact with the familiar, smooth surface of it, something hit the door from the outside.

"Levi?"

It was Eren, of course. His voice was strained, only causing another pang in the raven's chest, right where his tattered heart thumped pointlessly.

"Go away," he practically choked.

Another thump to the door.

"Levi, please don't tell me you're doing what I think you're doing." The teen's voice was desperate.

Levi didn't respond. There was no sense lying to the brat, excusing it as throwing up or needing to shower or something. He would find out the truth anyway.

Throat tight, warm tears already dripping down his cheeks, he reached for the small baggie of powder and a spoon. Eren's voice, strained and desperate, thick with likely tears, sounded again.

"Please don't do this," he begged. "Please."

Still, Levi kept his mouth shut tight. The knob jostled. The artist's shaking hands never stopped preparing his venom, regardless of Eren's desperate pleas. The pleas inside of him were much stronger, much more desperate than the teenager outside the door. As soon as he was reunited with the monster he was certain to feel better, without the aching of all of his muscles, without the burning of his lungs and trachea, without the shakiness and vomiting. He would be able to eat and keep it down, unlike when he was sober. While sober, he couldn't hold onto anything long enough to completely go through him, save for water and tea, which he knew weren't nourishing enough.

Suddenly, this didn't seem so bad.

He filled his syringe carefully, eyes blurring in and out of focus.

"Please, Levi. I'm begging you..."

He was this close. All he had to do was find the vein, insert the needle, and plunge. He shoved his sleeve up as far as it would go. As he poised the needle just below his right elbow, he chomped down on his lip.

"I know you don't want to do this, Levi," Eren went on. The raven could easily picture his beautiful eyes filled with all that desperation and pain, leaking tears one at a time and wetting his long lashes to leave moist streaks down the smooth skin of his cheeks. The image was quickly buried as it pained Levi like no other.

That, too, was something the monster, gracious to him despite the name he'd given it, would numb as well...or so he assumed.

That in mind, he let the needle pierce his skin - just another mark to add to the collection he'd been working on for years. He didn't even feel the pinch; after the countless times he'd done it, seven tattoos, and six piercings, needles were nothing to him. In fact, watching as it sunk into his flesh was almost a release within itself, an anticipation of sorts knowing the agony would be over soon.

From the other side of the door, Eren whispered in a broken tone one last "please..."

"I'm sorry, Eren," whispered the raven, equally as broken, as he shoved the plunger all the way down into the barrel.

~~~

Levi lost track of the amount of time he remained on the bathroom. It was long after he'd heard Eren's feet shuffle away from the door. He'd shut the cabinet and turned to lean against it, limbs sprawled carelessly around him.

The high took affect almost immediately - familiar yet thrilling, the way he could feel it taking over him, mind and body alike. The rush was the best part, erasing every last trace of pain he bore, if only for a minute. He hadn't felt like he was flying, or could fly, or any kind of insane sensations he experienced for the first several years he was on the drug. He didn't need that, though. He was simply grateful for feeling normal again. His body no longer felt so heavy and he was even moderately aware of the stirring of his empty stomach.

But then the rush was gone, and like usual, it was much too soon. That was when the monster itself settled in, finding its cozy spot in the recesses of his mind and getting comfortable for a while as it took on the role of Levi's inner company.

'You're hurting that boy,' it whispered sinisterly to him.

His eyes snapped open, wide as they could go. In full-length mirror hanging behind the door, he could see half of his face, streaked with drying tears.

'Hideous,' muttered the monster. 'You've really let yourself go. And for him? Gone soft, have you?' Sadistic laughter. The disapproving clicking of a tongue.

Still, the monster was never wrong. He was hideous as a result of withdrawal, and withdrawal was a result of Eren.

Eren...

The word swam through his mind softly, along with the memory of gentle laughter, bandaged hands, and pools of seafoam...

...seafoam which swirled down the drain and was replaced by a rusty color that might've resembled blood, or perhaps the color of Alex's hair dye when she went burgundy at seventeen...

Guilt exploded inside of the raven like a radioactive bomb and spread throughout his entire being. It wasn't anything new. In fact, it occurred every time he'd relapsed in the past month. Though this time it was worse, much worse. This time the brat was merely down the hall in a heap of his own pain all because of Levi's careless, selfish actions.

Impulse took over at that moment. His body leaned forward, seemingly controlled by some force that was outside his own consciousness. He pulled his fist back and, with a roar, snapped it forward, planting it in the glass of the mirror. Senses heightened from the drug coursing through his bloodstream, he could watch in slow motion as cracks traveled across it. Several shards of glass fell out and clattered to the tile of the floor. The remainder of the reflective material around his fist became stained with blood. He watched as it dripped between the cracks and down onto the floor. As soon as the sting of what had to be several cuts registered, his vision grew blurry as tears welled up and spilled over.

Eventually, his fist came away from the broken glass still bleeding. He felt like he was vibrating. An internal battle took hold inside him, emotions vs. the monster, and neither were winning nor losing. How evenly matched they were was unnerving.

He'd definitely been right about one thing for sure. His empty stomach nagged for food and the aching seemed to have subsided. He no longer saw glimpses of painful memories each time he blinked. Breathing itself was an easier task in the company of the monster.

Still, none of these things, no matter how strong, could completely overcome his immense guilt.

Levi hastily wiped his sleeve across his face to clear his vision of tears before he pulled himself to his feet. Ignoring the blood still trickling from the wounds in his knuckles, he yanked his hoodie over his head, followed by the long-sleeved shirt underneath it and then the muscle shirt beneath that. Looking down at his bare torso he couldn't help but notice how the colors of his tattoos popped out against his pallid complexion. Tearing his eyes away from that, he shoved both his sweats and boxers to his feet simultaneously and kicked them carelessly into the corner. Generally, he would've neatly folded each article of clothing and placed them on the counter, but at that moment he couldn't care less about being tidy. He avoided making eye contact with himself in the mirrors as he strode to the shower and shoved the curtain aside. Fiercely, he turned the knobs to start the stream of water from the shower head above him. The heat of the water stung his skin and turned the ridiculous paleness of it bright red resembling a sunburn. The presence of the monster didn't allow him to mind the pain.

And then he started scrubbing, using half of what remained of the soap and shampoo. He scrubbed ferociously as if soap and water could rid him of the guilt coursing through his veins right alongside the monster.

After watching the last of the suds swirl down the drain, he took a moment to inspect the cuts on his knuckles. If there had been any glass in them, it was gone now. He paid no more mind to them.

Eventually, the water ran cold and the monster pushed him to get out before he suffered any kind of hypothermia.

He collected his clothes and, covered in nothing but a towel fastened around his waist, tiptoed across the hall to his room. There was no sign of Eren.

'Maybe he figured out what's good for him and left,' suggested the monster nonchalantly.

Levi bit down on the inside of his cheek. Such a possibility had a whole new slew of emotions flooding in to fight - fear; loneliness; shame; mild, subtle relief...

He attempted to focus on the solace which came with the monster as he tossed his clothes in the basket. Muscles tight, he selected clothes at random from the dresser, dressing himself mechanically. Before pulling his hoodie back over his head, he caught sight of the monstrosity that were his arms, marked up eternally by hundreds of needle pricks and scars - the remnants of self-inflicted injuries. The line on his inner right wrist was barely recognizable to even him because of how many times he'd slashed through it with a blade. It was faded, too, though that was no surprise seeing as it was almost a decade old.

Levi bit down harder on his cheek and the metallic flavor of blood hit his taste buds. Ignoring that, he yanked the sweatshirt over his head in haste to cover the markings prior to quickly pulling a comb through his hair.

Drawing in a deep breath, he wandered out into the hall. His heart thudded vigorously in its cage of ribs in anticipation of whether or not he would find Eren remaining in the apartment.

As he reached the end of the hall, the dining table came into view with a defeated-looking, chocolate-haired teenager residing in one of the chairs surrounding it. He was leaning over, elbows resting on the wood, head in his hands as his fingers were tangled in his hair, face hidden, and a pool of what Levi could only assume to be tears on the table beneath his chin.

Simultaneously, his heart squeezed at the desperate sight as relief flooded through him, but never not accompanied by guilt - always guilt. If there was anything he bore an infinite amount of, that was it.

Levi stuffed his hands in his pocket and finally released the grip on his cheek, prepared to speak.

"Y-you should leave," he stammered in a shaky tone.

Slowly, Eren's hands came away from his face to leave his hair sticking out in all directions. He looked up, eyes once again puffy and bloodshot, lashes not quite dry though he'd clearly stopped crying.

"Are you kidding?" he half whispered, voice thick.

Levi's fingers balled into fists involuntarily. "Do I look like I'm kidding?" he muttered through his teeth.

Eren blinked fast several times as though he was attempting to clear his vision. His eyes never left the raven's face, however, and Levi having seen his own appearance so recently rendered him self-conscious.

'How can he stand to look at your hideous face with such innocent eyes?' mused the monster.

"I'm not going anywhere," the teen finally answered.

Levi's gut twisted uncomfortably. "I'm hurting you, Eren..." His voice cracked in several places, further revealing his broken-ness.

Eren moved to his feet under Levi's gaze. The teen's forehead remained furrowed as his face displayed his emotions across it, plain as day. Hurt, he was definitely hurt. Worried. Partially conflicted. But determination trumped every one of those.

"I'm not going to quit after one setback, Levi." He started forward. "When I decided to help you, I accepted the fact that this wasn't going to be easy, that this was going to happen. I'm not saying I was exactly prepared for it, but I knew it would come sooner or later. Prepared or not, I'm not going to give up on you. If anything, this gives me more of a reason to stay."

Levi gazed up at the tenacious teenager who'd only stopped a mere two feet from him. "How can you be so forgiving?" he mumbled tremulously.

"Because I believe in you. I see there's hope for you. And maybe it's feeble...but I'm hoping that it's enough for you to somehow see it, too."

The shake of Levi's head was slight. His fist raised and planted in the dead center of Eren's chest, something he couldn't help but notice to be much firmer than he'd expected.

"Dammit, Eren," he mumbled, lowering his head to hide the traitor tears forming, annoyingly, once again from his ducts. "You just keep throwing us off more and more. At this rate I'll be so indebted to you that you'll have to throw me into the pits of hell yourself."

Warmth met the back of the raven's hand, then. Eren had gently placed his own palm over it and began gently rubbing small circles into his injured knuckle with the soft pad of his thumb.

"You're not going to hell. And you don't owe me a thing."

"Says you..."

Eren removed the fist from his chest but kept hold of his hand. Heat seemed to be radiating throughout his entire body from the mere contact of their hands.

"Look at me, Levi."

Clamping onto the now raw spot on the inside of his cheek once more, the raven looked up. Eren's gaze was sincere and pure as ever.

"Do you still want me to leave?"

Something between a sob and a cough caught in Levi's throat. He attempted to swallow it with no luck.

"No," he murmured nearly inaudibly around it. "No, I don't."

"Then like I said, I'm not going anywhere."

"Tch..." Levi reluctantly pulled his hand from Eren's and wiped it across his face. Of course, the teen didn't miss the cuts marking up his knuckles. Frowning once more, he indicated them with his finger.

"What did you do?"

Levi dropped his eyes to his hand. "I might've...punched the mirror..."

The teen's features relaxed a bit in realization. "So that's what that noise was." His hand extended forward. "May I?"

The raven held his breath as he, too, held out his hand. The teen took it once more with a feather-light touch, his fingers pleasantly warm and soft. Levi's nerves were hyper aware of the contact and the tingle throughout the entirety of his abused body. He watched as the brunet leaned forward, eyes narrow and brows knitted together in concentration as he inspected the injuries.

"It doesn't look like there's any glass in it. Does it hurt at all?" he asked.

Levi shrugged indifferently. The teen hummed and gestured to the table behind him. "Sit. I'm gonna go get some bandages."

"You don't have to do that..."

"They're deep enough that there's risk for infection."

Sighing lightly, Levi complied by taking a seat at the table. Eren strode down the hall. Levi could hear him shuffling through the medicine cabinet over the sink momentarily before he emerged once more, bearing a box of bandages, a roll of tape, the bottle of rubbing alcohol, and several Q-Tips. He emptied the items onto the table before taking his seat again. The artist watched with curious, almost suspicious eyes as his hands worked, memorizing the delicate yet sure motion of his fingers as they unscrewed the cap of the bottle of alcohol and poured a bit of the liquid into it without spilling a drop. He pinched one of the Q-Tips between his thumb and forefinger to gingerly dip an end into the substance, simultaneously motioning for Levi to offer his hand once more. As soon as their fingers came into contact again, the same tingle danced pleasantly up his spine, but was quickly replaced by the sudden stinging of his wounded knuckles as Eren applied the germ-killing liquid to them. He hissed in pain.

"Sorry," murmured the teen with a light smirk. "You don't have any peroxide so I have to use this."

Once finished with the alcohol, he carefully tipped the contents of the cap back into the bottle and screwed it back on. His careful fingers then moved to the box of gauze, which he opened smoothly to slide a square of it out. He easily measured the amount he would need to cover the wounds and tore it off like paper.

Levi found himself gazing more at the teen's face as he worked than the work itself. Eren sported a crease of concentration between his brows. His eyes didn't leave his work and his lips were pursed ever so slightly. That one strand of hair had fallen over his left eye again; Levi had to fight off the urge to brush it back.

"Nice mess you made in there," Eren articulated as he was gently pressing a piece of tape to the back of Levi's hand. "What possessed you to break the mirror?"

Levi drew in a deep breath before giving his answer.

"Guilt is a heavy burden."

Eren's eyes flickered up to the raven's face. "Why do you feel guilty?"

"You mean that's not obvious?" Levi muttered in response.

"Uhm...afraid not..."

"Shitty brat," he breathed, letting his eyelids drop closed. "Every time I turn around, I've hurt you in some way. Even if you can, I can't forgive myself for that."

"The only thing that hurts me is knowing you're not well." The teen's voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "Or that you've hurt yourself. It's not like you're doing it on purpose."

"Still. It's my fault you were crying again. If I wasn't such a weakling and hadn't gone in there..."

"Mistakes happen. I know you're not perfect, and I knew from the get go that this wasn't going to be easy."

Levi opened his eyes without responding as Eren pressed the last piece of tape to his hand. Once satisfied with his work, he said, "There. It probably feels weird, but..."

Levi flexed his fingers. The tape tugged on his skin a bit and it stung a bit where the gauze made contact with a few of the cuts, but it was bearable.

"It's fine. Thanks."

"No problem. Hungry?"

"For once, yes."

A light smirk playing on his lips, Eren stood up and went around the table toward the kitchen. The raven's nose picked up a faint whiff of his scent as he passed and relaxed. Even in simple things such as that, there was always a calming aura about the bright-eyed teenager. To Levi, it was addicting.

'Typical,' muttered the monster. 'You understand nothing but addiction.'

To that day, the monster had still never been wrong.

---

Oh gosh, I feel like this chapter is also really long. Sorry about that. This whole fic is...really long. >.< But! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed; feedback/votes encouraged! ♥