Eren hung his head and let his hair conceal his eyes. "He's fighting," he murmured.

"But..." she prompted.

"But..." He gulped. "...he's losing."

Nodding slightly, Alex slid her hands between her thighs, eyes dropped to the floor. She had nothing to say, which was unusual for her, but she felt she had no right to speak.

"I'm trying, Alex," Eren continued. "I've been watching him deteriorate right before my eyes and I'm trying so hard to do whatever I can. But he's stubborn even though he's got to be in an impossible amount of pain. I feel like I'm failing, and I feel like my time is running out...his time..."

A dry, sarcastic laugh escaped Alex's throat. "He's such a dumbass," she whispered. "He always sugarcoats it. He says he can handle it when he knows he can't, but he's scared."

"How do you know that?"

Her lashes flickered. "Past experiences," she put simply. It made sense that she wouldn't say anything specifically; she didn't know what Eren knew, and for some reason he felt compelled to keep it that way.

"You have to talk him into rehabilitation," she continued. "It's the only way. We both know he can't do this on his own."

Eren nodded slightly. "I know. But you know...he doesn't listen to reason."

"If he did, he wouldn't be in this situation," she muttered. "I bet he thinks I don't care or even that I detest him...but in reality I've never been so scared." Alex's eyes became shinier under the light of the glowing television, but she shed no tears. "He's my only family, too. I know I've got Reiner and his family has accepted me with open arms, but as for blood...Levi is all I have left. I don't know what I'd do if I'd lost him and I can't help but feel immensely guilty for being absent when he needed someone. I've...I've failed him as a sister."

"I think it would mean a lot to him to know you care," Eren replied, "even though there's no way he'd show you any kind of gratitude."

"Believe me, I know. Just...try to get him there as quickly as you can, okay? Before it's too late for him. Please."

"I intend to."

Beneath Eren's, Levi's fingers twitched and his breathing hitched lightly, eyebrows pulling together a bit in his sleep. He was clearly dreaming, though whether it was good or bad was impossible to tell.

"He must really trust you to fall asleep on you like that," Alex said a while later, a small smile forming on her dark lips.

"Well, I dunno...I mean he was cold...so I shared my body heat...that's really it..."

Alex shook her head, smile full on now. "One thing you should know about my brother is that he doesn't trust easily at all, and he almost never likes to accept help from anyone. He's not affectionate, either. You're an exception in a lot of ways that I don't think I'll be able to fathom...having grown up with him and all."

Eren felt the blood rise to his face, surely turning it into that vibrant rosy color he hated, as it gave away his embarrassment and made it next to impossible to lie. Flattery wasn't something he experienced much and this feeling was more humbling than anything. Alex was surely the person who knew the man he loved best and he sensed that she wasn't just saying these things for shits and giggles. She was a very genuine person. Having something like that come from her was almost like it was coming from the tattoo artist himself. It caused his stomach to flutter pleasantly.

"You love him, too," she said smoothly. It wasn't a question; it was apparent she somehow just knew.

"Well, I mean..."

"Don't be so modest. I'm glad you do. He needs love in his life...to be loved. By the way he's practically drooling on you, I'd say he's accepted it."

Eren let his eyes wander over the raven's face. His face appeared less peaceful than before, but still, he seemed almost content.

"Can you tell me honestly, Eren, how he is? The details. What's he been going through?"

Absently stroking the back of Levi's hand - finally considerably warmer - fidgeting the way he did when he was nervous, Eren said, "I don't know if you want to hear that."

"I can take it. I merely want the truth."

Eren hesitated, unsure if Alex really could take it. She stared him down, though, with a look in her eyes that reminded him of Levi. So he concluded to tell her.

"Well," he began, and drew in a deep breath. "He's relapsed about six times since I got here. He only goes about a day and a half before it happens again. And his withdrawals start immediately once the high is gone. He constantly shakes and he can barely eat. He throws up quite often, or his body tries to even if there's nothing there. His muscles will spasm or he'll get bad aches in them from no physical trauma. I know that his lungs and trachea are probably past raw from all the coughing he does. He's nauseous more than not. And he only sleeps for a few hours at a time about every fifteen hours or so, maybe a few more..." He purposely neglected to tell her about the cutting and flashbacks.

"And the cigarettes?"

"Those are fewer and further between, which is good...but it isn't much compared to everything else. He only goes when he feels he can stand up for a few minutes."

Alex's face was expressionless, emotionless, causing her to resemble her brother more.

"Will you allow me to thank you, Eren?"

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"Just thank you for being here for him. That's all."

"I'm just doing what's right for someone I care about. You don't have to thank me."

"Yes I do. And this won't be the last time, no matter what happens." The woman stood, eyes transferring back to Levi's sleeping face. "Anyway, I should get going before I get too tired to drive."

"Maybe you should crash here for the night," the teen suggested. "If you're tired, I mean."

Smirking, Alex said, "I don't think it would do any good for my baby brother to wake up and find me here. Thanks, though." She proceeded down the hall where she snatched a few things from her otherwise untouched room and then grabbed her shoes.

"Give me a call in a few days. Don't forget I'm still holding you to your promise," she reminded him.

"I haven't forgotten."

"Take care, Eren."

He merely nodded before she stepped out of the door, and he didn't miss the expression of sadness plastering her features as she gave Levi one last glace.

~*~

He'd been here before. Several times. Once in reality and countless in dreams, flashbacks, and simply remembering. And every time he re-experienced this, it gave him the same sick, dreadful, ominous feeling that tended to linger for days on end. No matter how much he fought in his mind to change it, to stop himself from driving down to that hospital, to the riverbank, it proved futile every time.

He remembered lying in his bed wasting time, listening to music at a dangerously high volume. He remembered the rainstorm; how it shook the house and rattled the windows. He remembered the call from thee police officer, saying it was urgent. He remembered the drive to the hospital, feeling absurdly dreadful yet sickeningly curious at the same time. He remembered what the police officer told him had happened.

"At approximately 3:30 this afternoon, the driver of a silver SUV lost control of her vehicle in the rainstorm and drove into the south side of Maria River. She had one other passenger with her and I'm afraid neither occupant survived."

He'd known right away it was his mother, but he remembered praying to the stars, the moon, a higher power, even a god he didn't believe in that the other passenger wasn't her, wasn't her, wasn't his Izzy...

"We need you to identify their bodies before we can proceed with proper procedure."

He was led into a room where two bodies, vacant of souls, and therefore life, laid on tables covered by sheets. One was much smaller than the other yet still he found himself hoping, such a futile thing...

"Can you identify these two females?" asked a doctor, pulling the sheets down to reveal only their faces.

Immediately, Levi's eyes widened and bile rose up in his throat. He stared for a long, long time without saying a thing. He remembered feeling his world crashing to pieces at that moment. He remembered feeling impossibly alone, abandoned, agonized. Suddenly, nothing seemed to matter anymore. Life seemed pointless. The one reason he had for living up until that point had left him, too, just like everything seemingly good to enter his life did...

His prayers had been pointless, of course. The body on the left - long dark hair and features considerably closely resembling his own proved to be his mother. But she wasn't the reason his heart had shattered.

No, it was the one on the right, with the stringy red hair and soft cheeks that should've been rosy and warm but were instead pale, sunken, cold.

Later it felt stupid, he remembered, but he'd fallen to his knees and buried his face in his hands. He'd eventually managed to tell the doctor their names and his relation to them, and he remembered they'd never stopped apologizing and attempting to reassure him it would be okay. He remembered knowing it wouldn't, and he'd left not long after to get away from them.

Alex had found him, of course, sitting in the rain that had picked back up, in the soggy grass next to that river. He'd been staring at the rushing water for a good half hour before her warm hand on his shoulder snapped him out of it and coaxed him to a car. He remembered considering jumping into that stream himself a few times.

Alex hadn't shed a single tear, and neither had he. He knew all along it was because he was too weak to, too hurt. But Alex never cried, or she at least never let anyone see her.

Many of the present scars marking up his forearms came from that night as he sat in a hot bath, twirling the razorblade between his nimble fingers, watching the light glint off of it before pressing it into his skin, watching the blood ooze up and feel the sting of each - a release in a way, punishment in another. The blood dripped and tinted the water and eventually he showered to get the stains of it off of his pale skin. He hadn't bothered to bandage them, hadn't really cared enough to.

And from then on, everything had been different. To the very present day, he could still feel the pain like it was brand new of the loss of his little sister. And in a way, his mother, he supposed. It wasn't something that would ever go away.

~*~

Levi woke with a start, his body jolting upright and a gasp dragging in between his clenched teeth. His arms wrapped tightly around his stomach.

"Levi...?" came a sleepy voice from behind him.

The raven had trouble finding his voice. He merely shook his head as he internally reached out in search of reality.

Eren watched worriedly as his small body shook violently. Cautiously, he reached out.

"Flashback?" he whispered.

Again, Levi shook his head. As soon as Eren's fingers made contact with his shoulder, he flinched and turned, the so recent dream having him expecting to see his sister rather than the emerald-eyed teen. When it was that soft face he laid eyes on, he was able to relax a little.

"Sorry," he managed to mutter, sitting up and running his fingers through his hair.

"Don't be. What happened?"

"B-bad dream. You can go back to sleep."

Unsurprisingly, Eren ignored that and sat up himself. "Wanna talk about it?"

"No," Levi snapped. "I just want to forget it." Of course he knew that wasn't going to happen. Without the monster, that memory would always be prominent in his mind no matter how hard he tried to forget.

"Okay," Eren murmured. "Just try and relax."

Slowly, Levi allowed his body to sink back against the couch once more. Eren watched him with careful eyes. The raven focused on steadying his breathing and regaining control of his thoughts.

"S-sorry for...waking you..." he mumbled and then coughed.

"Stop apologizing," said the teen. "I think you should try and go back to sleep."

Levi said nothing. Truthfully, he didn't want to go back to sleep, let alone shut his eyes in fear that the nightmare would reoccur. Still, he humored Eren, feeling the slightest bit guilty for needlessly having woken him up. So he curled back up against the furnace that was the brunet in comparison to his own cool body and let the teen find slumber again while he stared blankly into the darkness, wishing to the god he didn't believe in that his baby sister was still alive.

*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #3~*

Again I am ruthlessly reminded of the tragedy which pulled me to the brink and over the edge of my addiction. She was the light of my life for such a short time and still, years later, I can feel the pain of her loss as if it were brand new.

She was my little sister. She understood me better than anyone and had been the only hope I had left. It seemed so easy for fate to take her away from me. Too easy. Yes, she was sick but she never even got to live her life, never got to experience the world.

But who am I to talk? I chose the path of oblivion that would revoke me of my chance, too. In the end, perhaps it was better for her innocent soul so she would never had to experience her brother the drug addict and the suffering that would have come with it along with her own issues.

Still, I am a selfish pig. I continue to blame the universe for ripping her away from me, ripping away the only thing I truly loved. For so long I've begged the god I don't believe in to bring her back to me, selfishly hoping that one day I would meet her again.

I know I won't. She is in a much better place now than where I'm going once death decides to consume me.

...

Somehow I think I've found the light again. It's different, but a light nonetheless. It's given me a reason to fight again, a reason to hope. Not a replacement. No. Never a replacement. But perhaps something even stronger. Something I've been waiting for for a long, long time.

And maybe, my dear Isabel, because of him you can someday forgive me.

---

Ngl, I love the way I shaped Levi and Isabel's relationship in this. There will be quite a bit more about it in future chapters.

And just as a warning, I'm more than likely gonna split this fic up into two parts. There are still a few chapters left in this part, but idk, I just wrote a lot about this story xD But yeah, provided people are interested...that'll likely be a thing.

Anywho, thanks for reading! ;*♥