Flashes of honey auburn hair and ice-like eyes, ivory skin and long, dexterous fingers flashed behind his lids, alongside the memory of that ridiculous, dopey laugh and high-pitched male voice. His mind conjured up the vivid images and feelings that he wanted nothing more to be buried forever from the deepest parts of his memory. Long fingers prepping the poison, dilated pupils surrounded by bloodshot whites, the irises nearly lost. Hard fists he'd come into contact with many times, the very ones that forced him to learn to fight for himself. Absolutely insane nights filled with dangerous substances and wild car rides in a convertible with the top down. Blasting music and cheering voices filling the night air; dirty looks from civilians. The buzzing of a tattoo machine as he dug the needles into someone else's skin for green or powder. Parties, fights, and sex. The scent of different kinds of smoke, of body odor and whiskey. The sound of breaking glass and a car accident. His own sweaty body pressed up against another sweaty body with unattractive groans filling the air while some other kind of venom surged through his bloodstream, not allowing him to feel or think about anything but what was right in front of him, on top of him, inside of him. The wailing of police sirens and the bright red and blue lights and the burning of his thighs as he forced himself to run, run faster until he collapsed somewhere behind an old building, unsure if anyone had followed him, if any of his 'friends' were safe, or if he was entirely alone. Pain and numbness...numbness and pain...

~

"Good morning," Eren greeted cheerfully from the kitchen where he stirred up a pan full of fluffy yellow eggs and flipped crisping strips of bacon in another when he saw Levi emerge from the hallway. The raven remained dressed in his pajamas, but had pulled Eren's hoodie on and had his arms encircled around a red ball of fluff that was clearly Akane. "Hungry?"

"No." His tone was monotonous.

Levi shuffled into the living room where he all but collapsed on the couch and flipped the TV on. Immediately, Eren knew something was off. Abandoning his in-progress breakfast (but making sure to turn the burners off first), he joined Levi in the living room. The artist didn't even have his eyes on the screen, but stared blankly down at the coffee table.

"What's wrong?" asked Eren, sinking down onto the cushion next to Levi.

His eyelids fluttered and he looked up at Eren's big green orbs, filled with concern for him.

"Nothing," he mumbled. "Go ahead and eat without me."

"No...something's bothering you. I wanna help."

"It's...it's nothing. Don't worry about it..." His sentence trailed off, reminding Eren of that time on the phone while he was in rehab when he sounded so defeated and ready to give up.

"Like hell I won't worry." Eren slid his hand over to Levi's and gently wrapped his fingers around it, taking care to rub the back of it with his thumb. Levi's fingers responded automatically, gripping Eren's a little tighter than normal. "What's going on?"

Levi gave a slight shake of his head. "It was the dream I woke up from..." He pulled in a shaky breath between mildly chapped lips.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"No. That will only make it worse."

Eren nodded, feeling helpless. He had the feeling Levi's 'dream' was more than just that. He'd had flashbacks in his sleep before, and those had taken an enormous toll on his mind and emotions. The look in his usually stormy eyes showed the same signs Eren remembered from that. Still, he wouldn't force him to talk about it if he truly didn't want to.

"Go eat," Levi said again. "Don't let me stop you."

"Okay...but I really think you should eat, too."

"Hm...yeah, alright."

"Be right back," Eren said. Before standing, he pressed a tender kiss to Levi's temple and squeezed his hand, a silent way of saying 'I'm always here for you'. He went back to the kitchen and divided the eggs and bacon onto two plates accompanied by a piece of toast each. He filled a mug of tea for Levi and a glass of milk for himself and brought everything to the living room. He retrieved Levi's meds from the bathroom and sat down to eat. Levi complied, humoring him by downing the first pill and pulling the plate into his lap. He started to poke at the eggs with his fork while Eren searched through the channels. He settled for a morning marathon of The Fairly Odd Parents, more so hoping to get a sarcastic reaction out of Levi than anything else. When he didn't, he knew whatever happened in his dream had seriously impacted him.

They ate without conversation for a while. Neither paid attention to the show, but Eren pretended to. Levi eventually stopped eating altogether and just pushed the remainder of his eggs around the plate. Upon looking over, Eren found he'd eaten all of his bacon, most of his toast, and maybe half of his eggs which was more than expected.

"Done?" he asked.

"Yeah."

Eren gathered the plates back on the tray and handed Levi his tea and the second pill before making his way back to the kitchen to clean up. Levi had his face buried in the top of Akane's head when he returned. He took his place once more by the raven's side and began rubbing his back, unsure of any other way to help. Slowly, Levi leaned to the side and into Eren's warmth.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he offered again.

"No," Levi mumbled shakily into the dragon. "I just don't know if I can."

"It's okay," Eren murmured, gently running his fingers through Levi's soft locks, smoothing them back away from his face. Levi's head ended up making a pillow of Eren's lap and he clutched Akane to his chest. He pushed himself onto his back and stared up, past Eren's face and to the ceiling.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I was hoping to do something fun with you today...but I just..." His lids slid shut and he sighed.

"It isn't your fault, Levi. It happens to me, too. I just wish I could help you."

Levi didn't respond, but his Adams apple bobbed. Eren began chewing on his lip and, thinking of nothing more to say, tried to direct his attention back to the cartoon to almost no avail. His worry for his lover overpowered his attention on anything else and he started fishing around his brain to come up with some way to help the man he so deeply cared about.

"Farlan," Levi said suddenly. Eren's eyes dropped to his face.

"What?"

"His name. The...the one who took me to that party when I was sixteen. His name was Farlan."

Eren blinked in surprise. That was probably the last thing he anticipated to be blurt out.

"He's the one I dreamt about," the raven continued quietly, absently stroking Akane's wing. "The dream brought back a lot of memories I thought I'd forgotten, even sober..." His voice shook.

"Tell me about it," said Eren earnestly, moving his hand to stroke Levi's cheek softly.

"He was an idiot," Levi began. "Probably a bigger idiot than you." Eren frowned, and Levi snorted. "He was tough, though. He almost never lost a fight, except for to me a few times before we...went our separate ways after I'd learned how to fight back. I accidentally knocked him out once with a punch right to his temple." Levi sighed. "He was fucking reckless. He claimed to be a 'risk taker', but everyone who knew him knew he was an idiot who would eventually end up in jail. He did more drugs than me, but he got me out of trouble more times than I can't count, especially when I was younger. I guess we only knew each other for two years or so before-" Levi cut off abruptly. His jaw flexed and his hand came up to clutch Eren's. "We ran from the law a lot, of course," he said in a much quieter tone. "He swore so many times that if he ever ended up in prison, he'd hang himself. One night...we were at a party in this girl's backyard and it was the classic 'teenagers are being too loud too late at night so the neighbors call the cops' thing. Everybody was high and drunk and people were still naked from doing the nasty inside when the cops got there. Everyone was freaking out and we knew a shitload of us would be busted. Being the idiot he was, Farlan tried to reason with the officers, apologizing for partying so late and playing the card of 'we didn't realize what time it was'." Levi's eyes rolled. "But that was when someone opened fire. Someone from the party. I don't know why and I don't pretend to know or even wonder where they got the gun. The last thing I remember was hearing the shots and seeing the flashes from the gun, people screaming and trying to run. It all went really chaotic. But I somehow managed to escape. I ran like fucking hell and passed out behind a building somewhere and made it home the next day. The only reason I know what happened to Farlan was because of the news the next evening. They had his mugshot, and several other of the peoples' who were there. Three people died and four others were in the hospital, including one of the police officers. Alex interrogated me after the broadcast, but I lied my way out of her suspicion. My mother pretended to be oblivious to all of it. In some ways I think she knew what I was doing behind their backs...and if she did, she just didn't care." Levi's face screwed up into a mask of pain. "Or maybe she really was oblivious. After all, all she really cared about at that point was her boyfriend..." He lifted his arm to cover his eyes, attempting to hold back his tears. It was fruitless, though. After reliving painful memories and speaking about them, he couldn't outwardly hide his emotional pain and the tears began streaming over his temples, one after the other.

"Sshhh," Eren soothed, continuing to stroke his cheek, his hair, lean down and nuzzle his forehead.

"She fucking hated me," Levi muttered shakily. "And Farlan...he's got to be dead because I was the one who told him about that shitty party anyway. I just wanted to get high. And he swore to kill himself. I fucking might as well have slit his throat myself."

Levi's voice broke several times, his breathing hitching jaggedly and his fingers curling into tight fists. "I should've been the one to go...or maybe I should've gotten shot that night."

Eren absolutely couldn't stand to see Levi this way, so broken and affected by his hellish past...a past he didn't deserve to have burdening his shoulders.

"I fucking screw everything up."

"No, Levi. No. You don't. Things worked out that way for a reason."

"What reason?"

"You getting better...having a future..."

"So I get to have a future and they don't? I get the opportunity to repent from my shitty mistakes while they had to suffer, while I'm no better than any of them?"

Eren flinched and all of his stroking stopped. Noticing this, Levi lowered his arm just enough to look up at the brunet. He had his lip trapped between his teeth and his brows pulled impossibly close together.

"You deserve this," he said quietly. "Another chance at life. Because..." He struggled to find the right words. "Because maybe some shitty, idiotic brat needed you in his life...so you weren't supposed to get shot or any of that unheard of stuff you just said."

Levi blinked, face relaxing in realization. He was right. It was Eren all along. He'd done horrendous things in the past he'd never be proud of and in fact hated himself for. He'd hurt people and didn't care and was selfish and even greedy. But Eren was one person he had no desire to take anything from, had absolutely no intention of hurting despite already having done so and clearly still doing so as he learned. This brat he rested his head on was the reason all along he'd been allowed to escape, allowed to live and even recover. And he wouldn't mess that up.

"I'm sorry, Eren," he said softly, reaching up to cup his soft cheek. "You're absolutely right."

"See? You were supposed to fight. Maybe not for me...but you have changed my life. You have a lot more worth than you let yourself believe."

Those words radiated a kind of warmth throughout Levi's being. If there was one thing Eren was good at, it was bringing him to life in ways he didn't even know existed.

"Eren."

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me."

Eren stared at him for a second and then suddenly his head was descending. His lips crashed firmly into Levi's, at first startling the raven. Then, though, he was kissing back, tangling his fingers in Eren's hair and lifting his chin to better gain access to the younger's mouth. He coiled his tongue around the other's, throwing a kind of passion he hadn't ever felt before into the feverish motion of his lips.

"I love you," he breathed into the kiss. Eren could only respond by trapping his lips in several more hearty kisses which gradually softened until their lips, now considerably swollen, barely brushed.

"I love you," he finally said back. "And I'm sorry you had to go through that." He moved to press his cheek to Levi's warm forehead.

"Sometimes I wish my memories weren't so vivid," Levi said. "Because it seems to make them hurt worse." The edge of pain swam back to his voice.

"Everything's okay," promised Eren. "You can fight it."

"You and your infinite amount of faith in me..."

"Is it wrong?"

"No..." Levi lifted Eren's head to look deeply into his bright eyes. "You're the first out of many. And I think it's part of what allows me to have some kind of faith in myself, too. Helps keep me going...knowing someone does."

Eren's lips spread into a warm smile and kissed the tip of Levi's nose. "Always will," he promised.

"Hmph, you cheesy nerd."

"Yeah, yeah..." Eren trailed his lips back to Levi's for a tender kiss.

Levi sat up and turned himself to face Eren, pulling his legs up and crossing them. Eren turned, too, mirroring his actions. Akane perched between them as a place to rest their hands as their fingers laced together. Levi's features still bore melancholy and his teeth fiddled with his lip where the rings used to be.

"There's more," Eren said. "Isn't there?"

"There's a lot more I could tell you about Farlan, honestly...but I'm not gonna go into it." His brows furrowed as his fingers held tighter to Eren's hands, like he was trying to hold onto reality instead of ending up sucked into a memory. "My dream, though, wasn't a resurface of the memory when I lost him. It was something else."

"Worse?"

He shook his head. "No. But still bad, I guess."

"I'm listening." It wasn't a prompt, but a way to let the man know he could tell Eren if he wanted, but that he didn't have to.

A light sigh blew through Levi's lips and he started playing with Eren's fingers the way he always did in a state of discomfort.

"It was a couple months after I'd tried heroin for the first time. It was like one in the morning and the two of us and a bunch of other people I would've called my friends at the time were just hanging out in someone's basement on a Saturday night. Or I guess, Sunday morning. Some guy one of the people knew burst into the room with Ecstasy. We were all pretty bored and had only been smoking pot and cigarettes so we figured, hey, why the hell not, we're all damned anyway. I'll spare you the details, but the high from the weed was making us all pretty hungry so, idiotically, we got into a car and headed for a snack run. By then it was like 2 AM. I don't remember the name of the girl driving the car but she blew right through a red light. We were t-boned by a truck. Those of us who weren't too severely hurt managed to climb out and escape before authorities showed up so we wouldn't get caught for being high as we were. Farlan and I were among them. I remember he kept asking if I was okay. He said I looked pale and then I'd collapsed, but I didn't pass out. This other girl had followed us and she told him to leave me there, that they had to go, but he refused to. That was when he saw my leg. My pant leg was soaked with blood. I don't even know how it happened but I guess the impact fractured my ankle and left a huge cut across my calf. I didn't even feel it. He took me home and told my sister I'd sliced myself up trying to hop a fence but we didn't know about the fracture until the next day when she took me to the hospital. I woke up there, actually...with a concussion, two broken toes, and that fracture. I panicked, of course, thinking they were going to find out I'd been doing drugs, but they didn't. I went along with Farlan's lie about the fence thing, said I'd cut my leg open and tumbled down a hill on the other side. I'd turned into a ridiculously good liar and that was one more thing I learned from that blond freak." He chuckled dryly and shook his head back and forth several times. "He taught me a lot, but none of it was good. Guess he got me out of a lot of trouble, though, and maybe he even cared about me, the way he stayed and refused to leave. I dunno."

"Were you in love with him?" Eren found himself asking.

Levi stared at him, fingers ceasing movement. "What?"

The younger half-shrugged. "I dunno...just the way you talk about him kinda makes it seem like it."

Levi brought Eren's palms together, straying his eyes back downward. "I didn't even know what love was back then," he hushed. "Not that kind of love, anyway. I didn't until I met your nerdy ass."

Eren chuckled, moving one hand to sandwich one of Levi's between his so their skin tones made a pattern - ivory, olive, ivory, olive.

"It hurts to think about and it's impossible to escape," Levi whispered. "At least, now it is because the monster is gone."

Somehow Eren felt the need to apologize, but he wasn't sorry at all. He wasn't sorry for being the reason for Levi's recovery, wasn't sorry that he was finding new, much healthier ways to cope with the burden that was all those painful memories, to cope with his depression.

"It sounds stupid, but telling you makes it easier for some reason," Levi went on.

"Does that make me a monster, too?" Eren asked softly, mildly teasing.

Levi snorted and bumped their foreheads together. "You're too soft to be any kind of monster, dork."

Eren puffed up a bit. "Hey, I can be tough."

Levi lifted a hand to flick his nose. "Yeah right."

"Hey..." Eren complained and rubbed his nose, the beginnings of a pouting expression forming on his face. Levi removed his hand and kissed his nose to make up for it.

"I'll give you one thing, brat," he murmured, "You're a lot more addicting than the monster ever was."

Eyes widening, Eren could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks as Levi leaned in closer, tangling his arms around his neck. He could feel Levi's breath brushing over his skin and his eyelashes leaving fluttery, butterfly kisses he was so close. His heart picked up the pace in anticipation, waiting for Levi to make a move or do something.

"I shouldn't be burdening you with my petty shit, though," he murmured. The mood did a total 180 and Eren's eyes flew open.

"Don't worry about it. You aren't. I want to listen. I wanna know these things, especially if it helps you."

"You are too damn selfless, Eren."

"Sorry?"

"Tch."

"So do you have a scar?"

"Huh?"

"On your leg. From the accident."

"Yes and no."

A dark brow lifted in question. Levi moved Akane aside to lift his left leg and pull his pant leg up to his knee, revealing the tattoo of the indigo dragon with its wings wrapped around his calf.

"It was hideous," he explained, "So I got this to cover it up." His finger traced along the dragon's scaly back. "It was here. Not that you can really see it anymore."

Eren leaned forward and inspected it more closely, trying to pick out any type of scar tissue but unsurprisingly found none. His fingers lifted and extended toward the ink. "May I?" The raven bobbed his head in approval and Eren let his fingers trace the same path Levi's took. He compared it to an un-inked portion of his leg. The inked skin felt rougher, bumpier, indicating that there was, indeed, a scar there. While there, the brunet let himself take the opportunity to trace around the edge of the tattoo as Levi observed. His turquoise eyes were just slightly wider with fascination; he could watch as the faintest of blushes colored his smooth cheeks.

"What are you blushing for?" he mumbled.

"Nothing...um...you just..." He swallowed forcefully and started again. "You have nice legs."

"Oh jesus," muttered Levi with an eyeroll; he kept his gaze away from Eren's intentionally.

"What? You do."

"You're hopeless."

"And you're bad at accepting compliments."

Levi yanked his pant leg back down; his glare out of the corners of his eyes was instantaneous. "No I'm not."

Eren straightened his back and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yes you are."

The older sized the younger up for a minute, wracking his brain to fire back. Drawing a blank, he sighed. "Fine. I am. Thank you. Happy?" At Levi's attempt to be tough, Eren broke down in chortles. The sound was music to Levi's ears and that smile - lips stretched across shiny teeth, apples of cheeks bunched up and wrinkles around those eyes - lit up the entire world like fireworks going off inside Levi's soul. Still, he outwardly held his stubbornness. "You're a real shithead, y'know that?" He grabbed the kid around the neck and dug his knuckles into the top of his head. This only served to cause Eren to laugh harder and weakly attempt to bat Levi's hands away.

In the midst of their playful war, they ended up on the floor between the coffee table and the TV stand, Levi straddling Eren's waist and pinning his hands above his head.

"I win," he said triumphantly.

"Only 'cause I let you," retorted Eren childishly, sticking his tongue out.

"Whatever," Levi muttered. "I still did."

"Just shut up and kiss me already."

That wasn't a command Levi really wanted to say no to, so he lowered his head and claimed Eren's lips in a slow, loving kiss. Soon, his hands had slid up to weave with Eren's and eventually he ended up lying on top of the solid body beneath him rather than pinning it down. Their kisses gradually became more heated, more fervent, even needier.

The remainder of the day followed suit, between picking and choosing random movies and shows to watch on Netflix, deep conversations and way too many kisses to count. By midafternoon, they were stretched out on the couch watching a movie when he noticed Levi's sarcastic comments had not only slowed, but ceased altogether. He turned to find the raven, whose head rested comfortably on his shoulder, had passed out. His lips were parted just slightly and his face was totally relaxed. Some of his hair had fallen over his eye; Eren gently brushed it back and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Smiling softly, he turned his attention back to the movie and let his artist sleep; lord knew he needed it.

---

Idek about this chapter lmao.