I promised to deliver crack.

Here's my best attempts at it

So I present, Me as a mom.
-

.
.
.
.
Me: *wakes up* Ah fuck! I've been washing dishes in my sleep again!
-
Me: We're fucking late to school! Stan grab your friend

Stan: *grabs Kyle's ass*

Me: No not by that! *slaps Stan*
-
Me: No time for cereal! *gives Kyle a granola bar* No! No time for granola bars! *takes the granola bar away* Fuck it we're moving breakfast at lunch and lunch at dinner. Grab a coffee cause dinner's happening at 3 in the morning!
-
Me: Get your ass up you lazy son of a bitch! You're going to get ready yourself!

Cartman: *sobbing*
-
Me: No you can't have milk on Taco Tuesday

Kenny: Why?

Me: Because it's not Mexican. Now eat your dorito!
-
Me: No I don't have a favorite child, I do have a least favorite. And it's the fat one
-
Me: Come on! Make me wanna be your mom!

Stan: *throws baseball at me*

Me: *gets hit* I'M TELLING KYLE ABOUT YOUR WET DREAMS!
-
Me: Give me back my phone before you see my clit
-
Me: I love that Elen, not a bad lesbian.
-
Me: Now you're gonna shut up and eat it like it's ass *shoves food down Craig's throat*
-
Me: *eating* Which one of you kids came in my sushi?

Cartman: .u."
-
Me: Tweek I need you to get off the toilet, mama's starting to crap. Fuck it, I'm squeezing you out a passenger!
-
Clyde: Mom I need help, the others put me in the Dino costume, and then they put me in the pool!
-
Me: No it's the space one this time! He's running away from one with one of my good sushi rolls! *catches Craig* Crisis averted *kicks Craig*
-
Me: You think you have it bad, my kids are at the age where they're having sex, and they're 8

Some person: *shocked*
-
Me: It's not a crime if it's your kid!
-
Me: Mom got you a stroller and a kitchen so you can be ready when you give up on your dreams

Tweek: What!?
-
Me: I SHOULD'VE BIRTHED YOU ON THE FUCKING TOILET BOWL!
-
Me: Son of a bitch, you better open this gate or I'm counting to 3. 1.... 4. You got dropped out of collage :')
-
Me: That's it, you've lost toilet seat privileges mother fucker! Have fun gettibg creative~

Clyde: *shook*
-
Me: I'M GOING TO START COOKING DIN DIN IN T-5 SECONDS!

The kids: *start leaving*

Me: I NEED YOU ALL TO EVACUATE THE KITCHEN! EVACUATE THE KITCHEN!
-
Me: If you don't like my sushi you're a retard and a liar. Or worse, a vegan!
-
Me: NO, YOU JUST LOST SEATBLET PRIVILEGES MOTHER FUCKER!

Stan: *pure fear*
-
Me: *to Clyde* I need you to stop going through puberty
-
Me: You get the fuck out of my kitchen or I'm telling Tweek about your tiny dick~

Craig: *fucking runs*
-
Me: I just need a shoulder to cry on, connected to a dick I can sit on~
-
Me: Oh diagnose me Dr. Ozz~
-
Stan: *throws something at me, again*

Me: *gets hit, again* OH JESUS! You throw gayer than your father, and he's so gay he fucked me!
-
Me: HONK AT ME ONE MORE TIME! I WILL GROW A DICK AND FUCK YOU!