~  Saturday Feb 20, 1813  ~

I didn't have the heart to tell my staff about the uncertainty that awaited them, only to expect a staff meeting before breakfast. After spending Friday afternoon with the Thompsons, I shared a carriage with Admiral Pattinson, which delivered us to the purser's office so my name could be added to the passenger list of the HMHS Surety. All I wanted to do when I returned home was climb into bed and forget that my life was being torn apart like a sail in a hurricane.

Looking much too chipper, everyone greeted me in the kitchen with kindly smiles. Jasper placed a cup of tea in my hand and pulled out a stool for me as we gathered around the prep table. I didn't know quite where to begin, so I got right to the point.

"So, it turns out, I'm in love with Captain Thompson."

I let my announcement fall like a disenchanted lover from a bell tower. Funnily enough, their reactions did not portray the shock I'd expected.

"It's bloody well time you figured that out." Jasper's crass manner had always offered a refreshing divergence from the usual formality of my staff, but I wasn't sure how well I appreciated it now. I had never been fond of being the last to know something, especially when I should have known it myself first.

"Yes, well... It appears everyone knows my feelings better than I do. Alice and her father were convinced of the same."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Mistress," Clara said kindly. "I didn't know I was in love with Douglas until he started seeing that Charlotte Needleman. I thought my poor heart would fail me and I wouldn't live to see seventeen."

Douglas smiled and pulled Clara in for a hug.

"Thank you all for your understanding. I'm sure you were wondering why the captain and I spent so much time together without making a binding commitment. I assure you, there was nothing untoward taking place."

"There's no need to explain yerself," Jasper said. "The captain seems like a decent fellow. I knew he wouldn't try any funny business until after he proposed."

My head snapped to him, and I nearly spilled my tea. "Did you know he was going to propose?"

Jasper wore a sheepish smile as he glanced at the faces waiting for him to share his secret. By the looks of it, they all knew the secret too. "You remember that night he showed up here in a drunken stupor?"

"I don't think any of us could forget that."

"Well, while you were preparing his bath and I was helping him up the stairs, he told me he was going to marry you someday. He just needed to figure out how to win you away from all the other fellows. I thought he might have been delirious due to the alcohol, but when he kept showing up here and there, I figured he was speakin' his truth."

I wanted to ask why none of them bothered to mention their suspicions to me before, but I knew what their answer would be. If nothing else, my staff had always been discrete. It was a necessary quality of a courtesan's servant. "I suppose none of you will be surprised, then, that I have decided to take a naval sailing vessel into the Atlantic in an attempt to locate Captain Thompson's ship and tell him... Tell him how I feel."

"You have? Oh, Mistress Hayes. That's so romantic." Tilda's arms came around me as she tried to squeeze my insides into jelly. Clearly, she had not considered the impact my romantic actions would have on her livelihood.

"How long will this voyage keep you away from home?" Douglas asked the most rational question, and Tilda's arms finally loosened.

"I will likely be at sea two months or more, according to Admiral Pattinson. I will be aboard the HMHS Surety, which is a floating hospital of sorts." I paused to gauge their reactions, which manifested as stunned silence. I hurried on. "Now, I don't want any of you to worry. I have enough money in reserve to pay your wages while I'm gone, but that is all dependent on how my benefactors react to the news. Hence, the reason I wish to throw a bon voyage gala. I would like folks to think I'm following my moral compass, not my heart."

"Your moral compass, Mistress?" Tilda had spent a good portion of her early employment learning proper English, and I knew she was still struggling in some regards.

"I will be holding a benefit gala to collect coin and items of convenience for the injured men I meet on my voyage. My benefactors know I have been focusing my time and energy on lessening the burden of our disabled soldiers. It was Admiral Thompson's idea to have me make this trip under the guise that I wish to see what life is like for these men at sea. As far as my patrons are concerned, I will return in the spring, perhaps May, and resume my position as their courtesan."

My staff stood quite still for some time, and I wondered if they were thinking the same thing I had when the admiral suggested it. That I was willfully misleading my benefactors to go chasing after a man I was apparently in love with. Were they also thinking I had lost my mind?

"What would you like to serve at this benefit gala?" Clara carried the oil lamp to the walk-in pantry and spoke from within. "And how many guests can we expect? We might need to replenish our supply of lard."

"If Mistress Hayes plans to be away until May, we shouldn't increase our stores too much," Douglas added as he joined her. "We could take this opportunity to use that bushel of onions you've been complaining about. A consommé with poached duck eggs would serve well before a winter entrée."

I knew what they were doing. They didn't want me to know they thought I had lost my mind, so they were pressing on with the task at hand; planning a benefit gala. Next, Jasper suggested we create a nautical theme using the surplus rope from the stable which he could string across the mantle. And Tilda enjoyed helping me prepare the guest list, making sure Mister Faircloth received an invitation.

There was also the royal winter ball to attend. The prince regent had made good on his promise to include me and a guest. Now, the question remained as to who I would ask as my escort. Admiral Thompson was the first to come to mind. Then I decided taking the man who could be my future father-in-law might feel a bit awkward. The duke already mentioned he would be on holiday to avoid the pretentious folly. Mister Merriweather was a distinct possibility, although I had determined that his door swung the other way. Still, we could attend under the precept of friendship.

Then I remembered Reggie Saxton and what lovely conversations we had during my visits to the rehab home. How thrilling would it be for a man as simple and selfless as Reggie to mingle with nobility? But would he be capable of attending such an event in his disabled state? And, more importantly, would his God-fearing mother allow it? Perhaps, a carefully-worded letter to both would do the trick.

~ Friday Feb 26, 1813 ~

The days passed in a strange blur. Knowing I was unable to see Captain Thompson any time I wished made his absence feel quite painful. Inexplicably, knowing I was set to see him in the coming weeks had me missing him even more. How would that reunion play out? Would he become angry with me for following him out to sea? Would his pride be injured if it appeared I was attempting to rescue him?

As for the outcome of the military board meeting, I received a letter from Colonel Whitaker by way of Mister Merriweather informing me that deliberations were satisfactory, and a final judgement would have to come from Parliament. After several attempts at reading between the lines, I realized the ambiguity of the letter was intentional, and Mister Merriweather likely could not include more telling details given that his boss's signature had been penned at the bottom.

I put these thoughts aside so I could give Clara my full attention as she fastened my hair with a multitude of clips.

"Are you sure you want your hair up tonight, Mistress? You're a young, unmarried woman attending a royal ball. Most of your peers will be wearing a less modest style."

"When have you ever known me to follow every social norm? Despite my unmarried status, I have never found the need to advertise myself as such."

"Is there a special reason you have decided to present yourself as if you were a married woman this evening?" Clara accompanied her inquiry with a subtle smirk.

"It's not as scandalous as you would like to think, Clara. I merely promised my escort's mother that I would present myself as an honourable woman in the company of her son. If the event were being held anywhere else but the palace, we would not have received her blessing."

"Indeed."

When the carriage arrived, Reggie was already sat inside. He had dressed in his military uniform, which was expected of officers but not of enlisted men. We had discussed the subject through missives and determined it would be best if he represented his company and his country in this manner.

His eyes grew round as he greeted me, and I could tell he wished he could assist me properly. But he did manage to offer a strong hand to steady my ascension into the carriage.

"You look like the sun after a fortnight of rain, Mistress Hayes."

"Thank you, Reggie. You look dashing in your uniform. It becomes you."

As our coach took to the street, Reggie seemed at a loss for how to express himself. Perhaps, it was due to the circumstance of riding in a carriage to a royal ball as opposed to chatting from his cot in a rehab home.

"Are you looking forward to the evening?" I asked. "I have been told the punch they serve is quite strong."

"I may need something like it to see me through the event. I admit, I'm a bit nervous."

"Not to worry. I don't plan to let you out of my sight."

My comment had him looking even more stricken, as if he believed my constant presence would worsen his anxiety. I knew meeting royalty was enough to cause anyone a bout of nerves, and I did my best to engage him in lively topics during our journey to the palace.

To be fair, I had a wee case of nerves myself, having never attended a royal ball before. But I expected to see a goodly number of guests whom I was well acquainted, one of them being Alice. And she would be on the arm of her suitor, Lord Kingsley. The earl and his wife were expected as well, although I hoped we would not cross paths. I had received a missive from the earl not two days prior expressing his intense wish to be in my company.

By the time we arrived at the gate, Reggie and I were both laughing. And, despite my concerns, he managed quite well with his crutches, needing only minimal assistance from my extended arm. At the entrance, we were introduced in a formal manner, although the doorman's voice only carried so far into the grand hall, which buzzed with merriment and lively music.

I enquired about a suitable place for my escort to take respite, and we were graciously ushered to a somewhat secluded alcove equipped with a settee and potted fern. After settling in behind the partial cover of leaves, we watched the activities take place; the snippets of laughter, the clinking glasses, the silhouettes embellished with lace and gold pocket watches.

"It's a grand spectacle, isn't it?" I spoke as I strained to catch a glimpse of the refreshment table. Or, at the very least, to find Alice so she and her escort might fetch us some of that royal punch.

"Quite grand. In fact, I'm wondering how I might help you enjoy it from somewhere other than here on this chaise."

"I'm fine, Reggie. I told you there was no pressure to dance or even mingle. But I do wish to introduce you to the prince regent, if the opportunity presents itself."

"I would likely make a fool of myself. I have never addressed royalty before."

"Just remember to end every sentence with 'your highness' and you'll do just fine."

After a few more minutes of silence, I was nearly ready to go searching for the punch table myself when I heard my name through the chatter.

"Mistress Hayes! Here you are!"

Dressed in an exquisitely embroidered pink gown with burgundy sash, Alice hurried over, tugging her escort by the arm. The young lord seemed perfectly happy in his position beside her, based on the smitten smile he wore.

"Hello, you two. I was just trying to decide whether to go looking for you." I turned to my escort, who seemed to be growing more anxious by the moment, especially given that Lord Kingsley had covered himself with an excess of royal embellishments. "May I present Lord Albert Kingsley of the House of Oxford and Alice Thompson. They are both dear friends. And, this is my companion, Reginal Saxton of the king's army seventh regiment."

"It's a...great pleasure to meet you... um, your highness. Mistress Thompson." Reggie stuttered out his greeting, and Lord Kingsley laughed unreservedly.

"You can save 'your highness' for the prince regent. I'm just a lord. And I'm second born, so..."

"You're not just a lord, Albert," Alice said. "You represent a noble house. It's an honourable title."

"I could be the bell-ringer at Canterbury Cathedral, and you would consider it an honourable title." He grinned like a deviant, and Alice's cheeks flushed to match her dress. It had me wondering what sorts of a conversations the two got up to.

"I hope you don't think me too forward, but would it be much trouble if you could fetch Reggie and myself a glass of punch. I have no idea how far the table is."

In a move that was neither graceful nor swift, Reggie pushed to his feet. "What sort of escort would I be if couldn't fetch my female companion a beverage?" Once he found his bearings, he held his hand out to me.

"I know where the punch table is," Alice said. "Why don't you escort me there, and we will leave Lord Kingsley and Mistress Hayes to catch-up."

Giving Reggie no time for rebuttal, Alice ushered him away, and I couldn't help thinking there was some other motive to her offer. Especially when Lord Kingsley didn't bat an eyelash as he took the spot Reggie had vacated.

"How are you, Mistress Hayes? All packed for your trip to rescue your lover?" He grinned like an imp, and I quickly deduced he had been brought into the loop that was supposed to be kept between myself and the Thompson household.

"I should have known Alice wouldn't be able to hold her tongue. And Captain Thompson is not my lover."

"But he will be." This time his grin was accompanied by a wink. A wink! "Listen. I don't know how fast your escort gets around on those crutches, so we may not have much time. I need to warn you about my father."

"The earl? What about him?"

"He is not taking the news of you sailing on a battleship into war very well. He's going to try his damnedest to talk you out of it."

I lowered my chin to smile into my chest. The missive the earl sent in response to my bon voyage invitation included several desperate pleas to keep me where I was, one of which came as a threat to assign me an escort should I insist on following through with my ill-conceived venture. In turn, I informed him I would be assigned an escort by the royal navy, so he could put his worries to rest.

"First of all, it is not a battleship. It is a hospital ship. And secondly, your father has already tried to talk me out of it. But my mind is made up. If I do not go through with this, I may never know if I am actually in love with this blasted captain or not."

"And if you are, and you return with him on your arm, it will be a sad day for all of your benefactors. Especially, my father. To be honest, I think he has fallen in love with you."

"What? Don't be ridiculous. We have barely become acquainted."

"Well, he and I have barely spoken since my uncle passed. Yet, he has taken me into his confidence of late. I suppose it's because of the relationship you and I have established. Regardless, I suggest you make a point of avoiding him this evening, if at all possible."

Oh, bother. It seemed the timing of my voyage could not come soon enough.

Alice and Reggie returned with punch, and she took the young lord in hand to lead him to the dance floor. I had not even thought to ask about her foot. If it was giving her trouble, she hid it well. The alcohol did a fine job of relaxing Reggie, and he talked to me for a good while as we maintained our stationary position beside the fern. At one point, a member of the wait staff carried a tray of hors d'oeuvres close enough that I was able to pop up and snatch a few.

The evening and my companion proved quite entertaining, and I had just engaged him in the topic of military protocols when a nobleman approached wearing as many decorations as his son. I regretted not having more punch in my glass when I lifted my gaze to acknowledge the earl's greeting.

"Mistress Hayes. I'm so glad I found you." William barely noticed Reggie as his eyes twinkled with excitement. Or was that lust? "I need to speak with you privately, if you will attend me. It is a matter of some urgency."

Indeed?

"I would hate to leave my escort unattended, your grace. He is unfamiliar with the nuances of royal balls."

The earl finally gave Reggie a once over, allowing the desperate expression commanding his features to soften a bit. "If he is in your company, I am sure he knows how to be polite. There is nary more to these affairs than that. Would you mind terribly if I detained Mistress Hayes, Mister...?"

"Reginald Saxton... your grace." Reggie's mouth remained open as he stared at the earl in confused awe. "If Mistress Hayes wishes it, I have no objections... your grace."

As expected, Reggie didn't balk at the earl's request, and I was forced to accept the nobleman's insistent plea to follow him to some private location. I didn't have to speculate how he intended to use our time once he had sequestered me. If anything, it had me feeling more sure of my choice to leave London.

With haste, the earl ushered me out of the grand hall like he was sent by the fire brigade, and a few moments later I was being secreted into a room accommodating a number of framed portraits. They were propped against the wall in rows five frames deep, and the earl found an open space where he held me at arm's length, looking at me with the eyes of a lost child.

"You cannot go to war. You simply cannot." His words came out determined yet with an edge of helplessness. I also noticed that, within the silent confines of our art repository, his voice sounded hoarse. As if he had been yelling. Or crying.

"I am not going to war. I will be traveling on a hospital ship. Unless the enemy is completely without compassion, we will not engage in battle."

"When have you known an enemy of war to have compassion?"

"Okay, maybe not compassion. But surely they will have enough morals to let their enemy tend to those wounded in battle."

He snorted. "You have too much compassion to truly understand what kind of mindless animals men become on the battlefield. They would not think twice about taking advantage of their enemy while they're down. It's a long-established battle strategy."

I didn't think it would help matters to point out my knowledge of wartime strategies. He was clearly not in the mood for a logical discussion. His emotions were at the helm. "Are you familiar with the Surety? It is fully capable of defending its passengers."

"Why? Why have you chosen to make this voyage? What do you hope to accomplish?"

"I believe I made that point clear in my party invitation, your grace. The experience will lend more credence to my commitment to defending these men when they return home with permanent disabilities."

"But you could die in your pursuit of credence. And if that happened..." He swallowed hard and his eyes bored into mine like he possessed the power of hypnosis. "You have stolen my heart, Mistress Hayes. If you leave, you will take my heart with you. And no man can live without his heart."

Merciful heavens.

I lifted my gloved hand to his face, touching his cheek gently, and his hand came up to take ahold of it. The gesture may not have been the best tactic to deal with a lovesick, very married, earl, and I blamed my blasted compassion.

"Your grace, please forgive me if I overstep my bounds, but I believe your heart was taken a long time ago."

Without breaking eye contact, he sighed heavily against my face, revealing that we had been drinking from the same punch bowl. How much he had imbibed, I could only guess, but I expected it was more than I had. "You are right. I gave Mary my heart when she first revealed that she wanted me and not Philip. I cannot recall if I felt the same about her at the time, but her confession certainly fostered it."

"It doesn't matter exactly when you felt it. Clearly, you two made a connection that persisted until the passing of her brother. And now you're struggling with how to come to terms with it. I imagine it is a very painful position to be in."

His fingers wrapped tighter around my hand as he squeezed his eyes shut. "You have no idea the emotional burden I carry."

"Does Mary allow you to talk about your feelings?"

"Rarely. And it is usually the result of an argument." When he opened his eyes, they glistened with moisture. "A nobleman's life does not allow for much family time. I'm afraid I am guilty of using my duties to avoid conversations that might lead to emotional discomfort."

"Many of us hide behind our professions to mask emotional discomfort. In fact, I am beginning to understand that more each day. While this may be difficult to hear, I believe you both need to talk about your relationship. You and Mary deserve to be happy. And if you cannot find a way to do that together, at least you will no longer be in a perpetual state of emotional limbo."

"Are you suggesting we divorce if we cannot find happiness together? We were married in the Church of England."

"I am not suggesting divorce, your grace. I am saying that sometimes we can lessen our burdens just by admitting defeat. Think of it as a battle that has been lost. The survivors must carry on afterwards, which is often easier without the distraction of the battle. Of course, there is every chance you will win this one."

I smiled in the hopes it would bring him out of his despair, which radiated off him like the buzz of a lightning storm. When he captured me in his gaze again, I watched his despair morph to desire. "What is the use of fighting a battle I no longer want to win?"

"Your grace?"

"You have shown more courage than Mary ever did. You best her in wit and humour. And you have carved out an independent lifestyle Mary could never hope to accomplish."

"Please, do not compare me to a countess."

"A countess is merely a title. Mary has never worked a day in her life, apart from birthing our sons. Although, I expect she would have gladly instructed one of her handmaids to manage it, if that were possible."

"Honestly. I do not think it fair to judge her so harshly. We all manage life in different ways. It is important to respect everyone's limitations."

"I believe the respect was buried with Mary's brother. If you want to know my opinion, I think she buried herself alongside him that day. It makes a husband wonder if he was ever really his wife's true love."

What was he suggesting? That his wife had romantic feelings for her own brother? "I am very sorry, your grace. I truly am."

He brought his hand to my chin, holding it steady as if he prepared to kiss me, and I stiffened at the thought of his bold assumption. We had an agreement. Although, he had already taken liberties. "You are a treasure worth hoarding, Mistress Hayes. If you will reconsider your plans to leave London, I will do anything you ask. If there is some wish you have yet to fulfill, I will henceforth make that my priority."

"I live a perfectly comfortable life. And I am not of the mindset to dwell on personal wish fulfillment. I derive enjoyment from fulfilling the wishes of others."

His lips twisted into a lustful smile, and his intense blue eyes darted to my mouth. "In that case, I have a wish."

"Your grace. With respect, I have neglected my escort to attend you here in this..." I gestured around the room. "...unlikely place. Surely, you understand the need for a timely return."

"Please. I won't detain you much longer. My arousal is nearly full already." He took my hand and pressed it against the crotch of his trousers, moaning as he directed my fingers around the bulge of his manhood. While I had entertained many fetishes of the men I serviced, I had never questioned the impropriety until now. For the first time in my career, I felt like a whore, and heat rushed to my cheeks as I imagined Jules standing behind the earl judging me six ways from Sunday.

"Wouldn't you rather us take our time?" I said gently. "Can you arrange for a rendezvous at my home after the ball?"

The earl's hold on my hand loosened as he seemed to find himself. After a deep inhale, he released me and arranged himself beneath his trousers. "Forgive me. I always seem to lose my senses when I am in your company. If the prince regent does not insist I attend him after the ball, I would very much prefer to spend time with you later this evening."

He motioned us toward the door but paused as he reached for the handle. "In fact, I had hoped you might indulge a request I have not had the pleasure of experiencing for myself." His hand came to rest on my bottom, and he separated both sides with his fingers. "Something the duke said you and he have engaged in, to his immense gratification."

Oh, bother.