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~{Chapter 2}~

Two weeks have passed since that horrific day. Not once had I stepped out of my apartment. I didn't sleep or work. I ate hardly anything and didn't answer any phone calls or emails. My world had completely stopped.

I spent hours mindlessly watching TV. My phone kept ringing. I would not answer, but I would listen to the voicemails. Many of them were from James' family and Beth.

Not once had I cried since that day. I wanted to but no tears would come. There was something that was keeping me from letting all my emotions out all at once. Maybe it was a good thing, but I'm not quite sure.

Beth had no idea what happened, so she always sounded cheery in her voicemails. Every time I listened to her voicemails, I would scream and usually throw something. I hated hearing her so happy while I was so miserable.

When James' family called, I would groan and bury myself deeper in my favorite chair.

The day after reaching the two week mark, somebody knocked on my door.

I didn't answer.

The person kept knocking.

"Go away!" I shout.

A knock came again.

"Go away!" I repeat.

This time, someone rings the doorbell. I yell out a string of curses, even though I knew I shouldn't, and kept sitting in my chair.

The person began to knock harder, and I could hear someone kicking the bottom of the door.

"Open up, Kate!" a muffled voice called.

I curse yet again and get up from the chair. I stomp to the door and am ready to give whoever was at the door a piece of my mind.

"I said for you to go freaking..." I stop when I see who it was.

It's Beth and James' mother. It had to be a dream, so I close my eyes and shake my head. I open them again, and they are still there.

"Wh-what are y-you doing here?" I ask.

Beth answers, "We came to check on you. You haven't been answering any of our calls."

I run my fingers through my messy and dirty hair and ask, "You know what happened don't you?"

"I learned about it a day ago," was her quiet reply.

I look past her and at James' mother. "You really thought I was going to answer anyone's calls? I'm hurting right now! Do you guys not get it?!"

She steps forward and takes my hands in hers. "Kate, you aren't the only one who was faced with the loss of James. I lost my son. We are both hurting. Why can't we hurt together?"

I lower my head and give her a hug. I realize how selfish I've been. I've been thinking of only myself. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child. A child shouldn't die before their parent.

I whisper into her ear with a wavering voice, "I'm so sorry... so, so sorry."

She pulls out of the hug and wipes away her tears. "Me too. Kate, we can get through this if we seek God and help each other. We just have to try."

I gesture for them to come in. That afternoon, we spent hours talking. For the first time in two weeks, I felt a small sense of security and hope.

~-~-~-~
It was the day of the funeral. It's been exactly a month since the news of James' death. I look at myself in the mirror and see a distraught woman staring back at me. My eyes look tired and sad, and I no longer walk with a smile on my face.

That small sense of security and hope that I had, had disappeared as quickly as it had come. Even though they had been by my side for the last two weeks, I still haven't felt a return of the feelings of hope and security.

I have gone back to work. All the employees know what has happened, but they have never mentioned it in the two weeks I have been back. My personality at work has begun to change. I no longer give smiles or cheerful good morning greetings. I sit in my office all day editing, and I only address people when necessary.

Can you blame me for my behavior, though? My fiancé has been killed. He has been my whole world ever since the day I met him in that alleyway.

"Kate, it's time," Beth's small voice says from the doorway.

I pick up my black clutch and turned towards the door. I hurry out of my bedroom and down my apartment building's stairs. Beth follows close behind and doesn't speak until we get to my car. I'm moving to open the driver's seat door when she takes the keys out of my hand.

"I'll drive," was all she said.

I give up the keys right away and go and get in the passenger's seat. It's silent as we drive to the church where the service is being held.

Despite James' parents protests to having the funeral in New York City, I managed to have it here. I had told them that an important portion of his life had happened in this bustling city. I had told them how important it was for me to say goodbye to him in the city he had proposed to me. They had a few other good reasons to have it back in Texas too, but I had finally convinced them to let the funeral be here.

Sooner than I would have liked, we arrived at the church. I step out of the car and hurry into the church to make sure nobody could stop me and ask me if I was okay. I was sick and tired of people of asking me that question. I, of course, was not okay. Asking that question was like asking if I was happy about losing my job. Yes, I know that was a horrible analogy, but I can't think of anything else at the moment.

"There she is," James's mother says upon seeing me.

I give her and her husband a stiff hug before sitting down in the pew and waiting for the service to start.

Throughout the service, I can feel people's eyes on me. It's actually a beautiful service, considering the occasion. Some of James' military colleagues came to help perform the service. It means a lot to have them here to show respect for such a great man.

After the service in the church, we head to the cemetery to bury him. It's there that I have to make a speech. I dread this yet am kind of looking forward to it.

They lower his coffin down the hole, and I clear my throat. I feel everyone's eyes on me yet again.

"James was more than a relative and friend," I begin. "He was a fighter and a defender of this country. He was brave. He was kind. He was generous. He cared about those around him. He was never afraid to be honest with you. When I first met him, I wasn't in the best of situations. I was a troubled fourteen year old who had already gotten into stealing and other bad activities. He was sixteen and seemed to understand me. I had no family to help me become someone good. I had only one person who seemed to care about me. When James showed up, I had another outlet. I had another person who saw me as who I could be. He and Beth helped carve me into who I am today. They showed me how great I could be if I tried and trusted someone who would always be there. They showed me who God was. As we entered highschool, we got closer. He would defend me from anyone who would mock me for who I used to be. He graduated and began to take classes at a University a few hours away. People began to mock me once again, but he would tell me it would be okay, and I just needed to trust in God and go to Beth when he wasn't able to be there to remind of God's love. Through the help of him, I was able to graduate from highschool when I was seventeen. On that day, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. When I prepared to move here, he was the one who helped me. For goodness sakes, he even moved here to help and care for me. Last year, he proposed the day before he left to go overseas. I realized that this man was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. These past months, I have been planning for my wedding. I was so excited and happy until a month ago. Instead of standing in front of all of you and getting married, I am standing in front of all of you giving a speech at his funeral. There was no reason as to why he should be the one who died. I don't understand any of this, but I know that he would not want any of us to question his death. He would want us to forget him and move on. The thing is, how could anyone forget such an amazing man? I can't forget him. I can't stop loving him. I might not even be able to move on, but I do know that he will continue to influence my life. I hope that he will also continue to influence all of you."

I pause and feel tears streaming down my face. I take a deep breath and continue, "I stand today as a broken woman who is begging you all to not forget him. I beg you to remember his smile, his laugh, and his pure heart."

~-~-~-~
"Do you see that group of stars?" James asked from the blanket across from me.

"James, there are hundreds of groups of stars. How do you expect me to see one particular group without you pointing them out?"

He laughed at my response and came over to my blanket and laid down next to me. He then pointed his hand out in front of me. I squinted my eyes and looked at the stars he was looking at.

"What about them?" I asked impatiently.

"Kate, do you realize what those stars are a part of?"

I turned my head slightly to look at him and said, "If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking you about them."

He laughed. "They make up the belt of Orion the Hunter. You see the stars just above it and then those over there?"

"I think so," I replied.

He then continued to point out more constellations. At one point, he took my hand in his and guided it to find another constellation.

I finally stopped his rambling and said, "Why are you so interested in constellations?"

He paused before saying, "Constellations show me how amazing the universe is. It helps me to see the wonders of God's work."

I sighed and scooted a few inches away from him. "Do you always bring up that Jesus stuff whenever you talk to someone?"

He sat up and just looked at me. I turned my face away and looked back at the stars. He did not speak for at least five minutes. The silence was killing me.

"Wh-why are you being so quiet?" I asked him suddenly as I turned my face back to him.

"Kate, how can you not see how great this universe is? Do you not see the wonder there is in the universe? Do you really think there isn't a Creator?"

I was taken by surprise with his answer and sat up. "James, of course the earth is amazing. I never said it wasn't. You know what I don't get? I don't get how such an 'amazing' person created something so great and lets people's lives fall apart. Why would someone that great let people die?"

He sighed and said, "It isn't Him. It's the Devil who brings the bad. The Devil is the one who brings death among us, not God."

"But why would He allow that?"

"Man sinned, Kate. We sinned."

I sighed and said, "Why am I receiving troubles? I mean, I never did anything overwhelmingly bad!"

He leaned forward and took one of my hands in his. "I don't have all the answers for you. I wish I did, but I don't. All I can tell you is, all these troubles in your life are being woven into an amazing testimony that you will be able to share with others around you. It's just like what Beth told you."

I looked back at the stars and gave a deep breath. "Do you really believe that?"

"I do," was his soft reply.

"You've only known me a little over a year. You really believe that I can have a great testimony?"

"Yes."

I took another deep breath before saying, "Okay, how do I do it?"

He did not seem to get what I was saying. I told him it again, and a light bulb seemed to go off in his head.

He squeezed my hand and excitedly asked, "Really?"

"Yes."

That night, I gave my heart to the Lord.

~-~-~-~
My eyes water at the memory. I'm back in my apartment. The funeral had ended about an hour ago. I hadn't bothered to stay behind and listen to people give me their condolences. I'd already had plenty of those. I just wanted to be alone to deal with this.

Ring, ring.

I carefully wipe the bottom of my eyes and take a deep breath. I get up from my favorite chair and go into the kitchen to find my phone. I pick it up and see that it's a call from the "agent" of the difficult author.

"What?!" I harshly say into the phone when I answer.

"If you think you can get away from meeting with us by pretending you're working from home, you are wrong. I am about to go to a new editor. You better get this book done. What are you doing anyway?" he immediately replies with a demanding voice.

I can't contain my anger. "Where have I been?! I have just gotten back from my fiancé's funeral! Do you really expect me to meet with you?! Do you and your writer have any feelings for those around you?! If you want to meet with someone, meet with my partner!"

He doesn't reply for a few seconds. "Make sure it's done by the deadline. I will make sure your book editing days are over if you don't have it finished."

I don't answer. I hang up and slam the phone down on the counter. I pick up a towel and throw it across the room. I am beyond angry and can't control myself.

I hurry to my living room and pull at the front of my little bookcase and bring it crashing to the floor. My books fly everywhere. One even hits me, making me yelp in pain. I mutter a curse and sit down. I lean against my couch and cover my face with my hands. My tears flow freely. Soon, my hands are wet with my tears. My phone rings again, but I don't answer it. I just sit and cry for a really long time.

The realization that James is really dead has hit me with an overpowering force. I wail and sob. He had been there for me for such a long time. What was I supposed to do without him? He was the one who had been there when I accepted Christ. He had been there when I made the decision to move to New York City. He had moved with me to New York City. He was my other half. How was I supposed to ever be okay? How?!

"Kate?" I lift my head to see Beth bending down in front of me.

I wipe my eyes and try to speak. She shushes me and just sits down in front of me.

"You don't have to talk unless you want to," she says.

I nod and let the tears keep falling. I don't know how long I cried, but she just sits there the whole time. She understands me in a way that only she and James could understand me.

I finally feel myself relaxing my tense shoulders. My tears began to stop until there isn't one left. I stand and sit down on the edge of the couch. Beth gets up and sits down to my left.

"What am I going to do?" I ask aloud.

I was asking more to myself, but she answers with a quiet, "Come home."

I snap my head around and give her a questioning look. "What?"

She speaks again but with a little more confidence. "Come home."

I close my eyes and don't reply. After she leaves, those words echo through my head the rest of the night.

"Come home."

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There is a little bit of my faith in here (as you can see), but please don't stop reading because of that. I am not trying to push my faith onto any of my readers. I am truly sorry if you are offended or feel like you can't keep reading.

If you have any ideas or caught any mistakes, please comment!

Much love,
~CGirlyGirl

Other Book
•Life As A Christian