𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘛𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘺: 𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘈𝘭𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘚𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘖𝘶𝘳 𝘍𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘒𝘪𝘴𝘴 (𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘎𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨)

| 𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕕𝕒| 

We'd taken all the precautions we could. Even though my brother and I both knew it was no use, we let them try anyway. They didnt understand fate. I hardly understood it myself. I doubted anyone really did after all.

They tied peter up to ron and hermione. ron's leg had been patched up as best as remus could get it before sending us off on our way and waiting out his transformation in the shack. 

Professor Snape and Sirius were walking as far away from the other as possible, as if trying to avoid catching the others cooties. like small school boys. i thought it would have been better for the pair of them to be tied up to peter instead of two thirteen-fourteen year olds. But again they were acting like school boys. every now and again they would shoot one another these hateful looks, almost like they expected the other to attack while his back was turned.

Ramona was between professor snape and the two chained to the rat man looking back now and again at the whomping willow. Worried about her father i expected. It made sense, one would be worried about their father if he was a decent bloke who didnt abandon his children. Harry was sticking close to Sirius, apparently all on board with him being his godfather now that he knew he was innocent. Well good for them anyway. 

I was miserable.

selfish of me i know. thinking of myself at a time like this but My whole life i dreamed of having a family. I made up stories in my head about my parents coming back from the dead and taking my brother and me to a proper home to live. But now that it had actually happened... well it was really disappointing was all. Becuz no one was taking us anywhere. We'd never had a proper home and we never would. at least not with peter. 

"You alright?" magnus fell in step with me. I didnt answer right away. The truth was no i was not alright. I was angry and upset and i just wanted this night to end already so i could forget all about the rat man and join my new family. becuz that was all there was left wasnt there? 

"This night could have gone better" i admitted. 

He nodded slowly and stayed quiet for a long time. His gaze kept moving to the rat mans back as hermione and ron dragged him along.  I wondered what he was thinking. And then without warning he said, "I dont think we're going to make it to the castle."  

"Didn't really think we would." I shrugged.

"Did we make the right choice?" He was looking at me oddly. Heart breaking, truly.

"I dunno. I hope so." I sighed. "I think it was the only option anyway. It'll turn out alright. I think. I hope..."

"Yeah..." He hesitated and then after a second he stopped walking all together so that Sirius and Harry almost bumped into him.

"Sorry," Maggie muttered but i knew he wasn't apologizing for being in their way. It was much more than that.

There was a flash of light up ahead as the rest of the group pulled to a stop.

I sighed. Must be the ex machina scene.... Lovely.

"What now?" sirius growled from behind us. Not that i had an answer for him. Even standing on my toes i was much too short to see over ron weasleys head. but i Supposed it must have been that third party maggie had been so worried about back in the shack. suppose that meant it was nearly time to be abandoned again. oh joy.

"There's someone up ahead," hermione said. 

"Who?" 

"what are they saying?" Ron asked. "I cant hear." 

"whats happening?" Harry asked. 

"Whos up there?" i asked. I was bouncing on my feet, ready for action. I still didn't have my wand, so I needed to be prepared to start swinging if anyone came at my brother or me. Maybe I could use that long stick from earlier, as a club or something? 

"Watch out!" magnus pulled me out of the way just in time. An invisible force pushed hermione and ron back. 

I looked at magnus. "how did you ─" 

"maybe im better at this divination thing than you are," he grinned. 

"Oh you are not. shut up." '

Standing above us was a new man i had never seen before at hogwarts. He was too old to be a student and he'd make an awfully young staff member. Most of his facial features were covered by the hood of the cloak he was wearing, but he was tall and lean. Didnt look like much at first glance honestly but i got the feeling he was much more powerful than he appeared to be. I doubted if a makeshift club would work on him. hed snap it in half in seconds with a single flick of his wand. 'Suppose I could have kicked him in his soft spot if he got close enough... 

When he spoke, he sounded much too friendly. As if attacking people was just a fun little hobby he liked to partake in sometimes. "Sorry about all this," he said. "But i need to borrow him." He pointed his wand at the rat man. 

The chains broke and the rat mans bindings fell loose. He scrambled up but instead of running to his rescuer he  scurried away from the stranger. "Oh no! No, no, please! Not one of your schemes again!"

"Come on, it nearly worked last time." The stranger said all chipper, as if the rest of us weren't even there.

"Nearly!" Peter squeaked (sorry Maggie insisted I make the pun). "But... But it didn't! It didn't work! Reg ─"

The stranger stopped him with a sound like up, up, up! "Don't spoil the big surprise, Pete! I'm planning this great big reveal for when everyone finds out who I am!" Then just to make things that more confusing I was sure, the stranger turned to magnus and me and waved as if he were our long lost uncle or something. "Hullo kids!"

"Um." I exchanged a look with my brother. "Hi?" What? "Have we ever actually met?"

"Hm. No, not yet. But we will. Someday. Not sure when. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next Tuesday or a year from now, or perhaps two. Or even fourteen years ago. Hard to say, really, you never really told me."

What?

"Please stop talking to my children..." Peter muttered meekly. "And...and just where the hell have you been this whole time?" his voice was slightly different from the way it had been in the shack. Less trembly. More annoyed. But still terrified.

The stranger shifted and i caught a glimpse of a smirk from under his hood. "spelunking. did you know those pointy rocks coming up from the cave floor are called Stalagmites? and the ones hanging from the roof of the cave are called stalactites." 

"That is so fascinating." i jolted. For a second peter sounded just like magnus. The same sarcastic voice he used when he pretended to care about witch weekly's latest hair care product for me. 

"Innit?" 

"no." 

"who are you?" sirius, who'd been staring at the stranger dumbfounded, had just been shook out of his state of shock. I'd almost forgotten there was anyone else out on the school grounds. He had my wand in his hands. Ah, so he must have picked it up when i dropped it in the shack... He was pointing it between peter and the stranger as if he were unsure who to attack first. 

The stranger regarded him for a moment. There was a certain air about him. As if he especially wanted to keep his identity hidden from Sirius. "Well, I've said, haven't I? I'm planning a big reveal someday. It's, unfortunately, not today. So." He was twirling his wand nonchalantly. "For now lets just say im some sort of marquess." 

"where... where did you come from?" I asked. There was no way he could have gotten on school grounds without at least alerting the dementors surely? 

"Long story. One we dont have time to get into tonight im afraid. It'll have to wait until a later date. You see we're on a bit of a time sensitive schedule..." 

"you're not taking him anywhere!" harry yelled. "He's going up to the castle to answer for what he's done!" 

The stranger hummed. "Well, you see... that conflicts a bit with what i need to do. So i cant exactly let that happen can i?" 

I saw the flash of professor snapes spell before i saw him. ramona was gone. I guessed snape had sent her to the castle for help. Peter flinched at the movement.

The stranger blocked snapes spell with his own wand and then grinned at the potions teacher. "well look at that! you lot have finally worked out your differences!" I didn't know what that meant. Did the stranger know about their school boy grudge at one another?

Sirius glared at snape. "Piss off snivellus. I didnt ask for your help!" 

"and yet you seem incapable of even remembering a single spell of attack," snape said. "Perhaps azkaban has affected your brain instead of your soul?" there was a lot going on but even so i couldnt help noticing the way he'd placed himself between the stranger and the five of us students. If i hadnt known any better i might have thought he were trying to protect us from harm. Even us gryffindors whom he despised most of all the non-slytherin students. Awe. He does have a heart.

sirius growled back at him, sounding once again more like an animal than a human. 

"Oh," the stranger frowned. "Maybe not." he reached in his cloak and passed something to the rat man. "Your wand." Then he looked between sirius and snape. "which one do you want?" 

Peter gulped nervously. "Is neither an option..?" 

"what? You want me to fight them both while you escape?" 

"Well, yeah, actually..." 

"you're such a coward." 

"pretty much." 

The stranger ── what had he called himself, marquess? ── smirked again and slashed his wand through the air. the ground pulsed, like a living, breathing entity. The movement would have thrown everyone back, but snape and sirius both counteracted. Snape flicked his own wand, setting the pulse off course so that it veered harmlessly in the other direction; meanwhile, Sirius summoned the limbs from a near by tree. He sent them grabbling at peter and the marquess. 

I couldn't help marveling at the fact that something like that had been done with my wand. I doubted id ever be able to reenact it but oh well. It was still impressive.

But it never touched them. The marquess cut through the tree limbs, using his wand like a knife. He pushed peter back and out of the way. Peter was just watching in fright.

Snape froze. He was staring at the wand the marquess was using in horror. "that's his wand!" 

But the marquess glanced at the wand in his hand as if only just noticing it. "oh yes. Well i couldnt very well use my own. It'd spoil the surprise." 

"oh shut up!" sirius snapped. "Both of you!" he sent another curse soaring for peter, only for the marquess to block it again.

i didnt know what they meant. I didnt really care. I was more focused on the action. Adrenalin had taken over. Electricity was pulsing through my veins. I was trying to take in as much of the fight as I could, in case it got out of hand. My fists were clenched in my sleeves as I couldn't very well use my wand now that Sirius had it could I? Not that I knew any spells to combat magic like this anyway. Still. Id feel safer if I had it in my hands instead of Sirius'. He was doing alright but... Well it was my wand.

Anyway. I was ready. I was ready for one of the spells to back fire horribly and come at me or my brother or harry or ron or Hermione. I was ready to jump on whoevers back and claw their eyes out. Scratch them horribly with my nails (thankfully I'd been growing them out recently) or dump a whole bottle of emergency glitter in their eyes. Anything to defend myself and the others.

I jumped any time one of them made a move on the other, with every flash of light, every curse and hex and jinx that went flying. I was ready to fight. Possibly to the death.
 
i'd seen duels before at hogwarts' duel club run by professor flitwick; i had even seen professor snape in a fight the year before with professor Lockhart, our former defense teacher. But that was nothing compared to this. It was something right out of a movie. With special effects and loads of cgi. If not for the fact that the three men were trying to kill each other it might have been very entertaining to watch. In a theatrical sort of sense, you know?

 They were using hexes and jinxes and curses i had never heard of before. Spells i couldnt even pronounce if i tried. All far too advanced for me.

 Then my attention was drawn elsewhere. Amidst all the chaos peter had transformed from a man back into a rat. A surge of rage ran through me. Im not sure why. It wasnt surprising. He had abandoned me and magnus once why wouldnt he do it twice? id been expecting this much anyway but knowing it could happen and seeing it actually happen were two very different things. Never mind that it was so soon after being found out. 

Did he really want to get away from us that badly? 

well fine. He could stay away for all i cared. He could raise his dark lords and I wouldn't care one bit. I would not miss him. Not at all.

Only Harry was running after him. And then so was i. I hardly realized we darted right through the blast zone of the three duelers. I hardly heard professor snape yelling at us to stay back either. or maggie calling my name. My sights were set on the stupid rat man. On harry. On everything in front of me. You might be wondering what my plan was? Well I can tell you with the utmost confidence that... I had no idea. What would happen when I caught up to them? Would I stop harry? Would I really let peter go? Would I really let him bring back the most dangerous man known to wizard kind becuz my divination gave a cryptic prophecy?

We were on the shore of the lake in minutes and I still wasn't able to answer any of those questions. The truth was I was making it all up as I went along, acting on instinct as I find i am best accustomed to. I simply find the best strategy is no strategy, thank you very much. It's called thinking on your feet. Improvising

I lost sight of the rat when he dived in the tall grass, and i thought it would be a lost cause on Harry's part. Then, a blur of ginger fur soared past. Crookshanks the cat lunged into the grass, tackling the rat and capturing it between his paws. 

"good kitty!" I said running forward with harry behind me. "Or bad. Depending..." no one was listening to me. Thankfully. I knew what needed to happen, of course. But the thought of it was starting to make me sick. I wasn't sure if I could let it happen. I wasn't sure if I had a choice but to let it happen. I wasn't sure if I could suffer the guilt. But most of all I wasn't sure if I wanted to let this rat man escape without explanation. What had he been thinking all those years ago? I wasn't sure I wanted to know though. I wasn't sure of anything any more. This was a dreadfully confusing night...

The rat turned back into a man just as we reached him and Crookshanks; he was trying to kick the cat off who was now digging his claws into his leg.

 I was panting. My limbs still pulsing with the electricity from earlier. Shaking and buzzing like a machine kicked into overdrive. I could have hit him, I think. Or harry. I could of punched anyone who got too close to me. I dunno. I just wanted to fight someone. It didn't matter who. it had all been building up since entering that stupid shack. And now it was all spilling over. My fists were clenched so tight my hands went numb. Nails digging into my palms so hard they drew blood.

"Stay where you are!" Harry ordered. 

To my surprise, the rat man listened. But maybe it was less about harry telling him what to do and more about him holding the wand at his throat. For the briefest of seconds his eyes flickered over to me. And the bastard had the audacity ── the fucking audacity ── to look concerned for my well being.

"Matilda ─" 

"shut up." Well, he had been an absentee father for all of twelve years. Why should he get to start acting like a proper one now?

He stayed quiet. I tried to ignore the fact that my hands were shaking terribly. Either from adrenaline or rage, i couldnt say for sure. Mighta been both. Looking at him was awful. He wasnt twitchy and stuttering the way hed been in the shack but he still looked just as feeble. Maybe it was that he spent so long as a rat, maybe it was that he was just weak. Too weak to even do right by his kids. 

I didn't care about voldemort coming back. I didn't care about any wars that mighta started becuz of him. Im sorry to say. I just didnt. In that moment I was completely selfish.

"I cant believe you were just going to leave! Again!" somewhere in the back of my mind i wondered if i was angry enough to blow him up the way harry had done his aunt over the summer. Hed deserve it. Oh he would really deserve it.

"matilda, please. Listen ─" 

"Shut up! I dont want to hear anything from you. Just shut up!" 

he did. Somehow, that didnt make me any happier. My hands were stiff. Some belated part of my mind wondered if id ever be able to hold them normally again or if they'd be stuck in balled up fists forever and ever from that point forward. I'd just be walking around looking like i was always ready for a fight. Maybe that wouldn't be far from the truth anyway... What a very dreadful thought. I didnt want to be seen as that ugly but oh well. That was exactly what everyone was in this moment. Ugly and awful and dreadful.

"No. No, actually. You know what? i change my mind. I do want to know something. I want to know if you even give a damn that you've ruined everyone's life? my life? Maggie's? Harry's? you dont do you? not as long as you're taken care of. It's just like Sirius said isn't it? How could you just leave us? Us! Your fucking children! Your son and daughter. do you even know what we've been through?" 

he didnt say a word. I wanted to hex him to the point of no return but i couldnt think of any hexes at the moment. and i was wandless of course. Maybe id settle for knocking his teeth out... Harry was at my side, glaring at him too, and Crookshanks was hissing at his feet. But i hardly noticed either of them. I kept my gaze fixed on his eyes. I wanted him to see just how much I despised him. How much it hurt to have all my hopes and dreams shattered like it was nothing. How disappointing he'd truly turned out to be...

"People used to ask all the time where our parents were. I never had an answer so i just made stuff up. 'My dad joined the military and shipped out to some backwords country, he'll be back by christmas' 'mum's a high class business woman, she left us with our distant relatives' 'my parents just went to the store, they're around the corner.' anything not to tip anyone off." My voice was cracking. I despised that. But fine. Let him hear it. Let him see what he's done. I hope he feels guilty and I hope the guilt kills him.

"But we were just these two homeless little kids on the street with no family and no one even cared enough to question it. No one bothered to come help us. You didn't bother to help us. You just left us there. And then we got here and they said you were dead. They said you were dead. But they wouldn't tell us how. And I wanted you not to be. i wanted you to be alive. I just wanted you. I wanted a father so badly. So badly it hurt."

That where my vision started blurring with tears. And my throat started throbbing the way they tend to do before a break down. Lovely. I'm sure I looked super attractive too. what With my hair all wind blown and eyes no doubt red and splotchy and me looking like I'm going to punch someone's lights out. Well it was a good thing there weren't any pretty girls roaming about the school grounds at this hour anyway...

"But it's even worse than that isn't it? Becuz you were here. You were here the whole fucking time and you still didn't do anything. You didn't say anything. You didn't tell us you were here. Nothing. You just sat there knowing who we were and you just let us think you were gone. And you've been here the whole time, just a staircase away from me. One fucking staircase. And you couldn't even pop in to check on your own daughter? You couldn't just tell me you were fucking there the whole time!"

He started to say something, but I cut him off. I wasn't finished. "And don't give me that bullshit about how you were scared blah, blah, blah. I don't give a fucking shite. I don't. Voldemort can fuck himself. You should have been my fucking dad. But I guess you didn't want kids did you? Or else you might have at least checked in on us once in awhile. Risks be damned. You might have been around at all. We might have known about you. But I suppose your own life is just more important than ours isn't it? You've never cared about us have you?"

He actually had the nerve to look guilty. I was sure it was fake. Everything about this man was fake wasnt it? He pretended to struggle for a response, a way to dodge actually addressing anything I said to him or taking responsibility for his actions "i ─ there's... there's more to the story...." 

I laughed, a very dry and harsh sort of sound that was very unlike my normal laugh. "Oh, there's more to the story, Harry!" He looked startled for a second, apparently surprised I was speaking to him now. He must have assumed I'd forgotten about him. "you hear him? There's more to the story. Of course there's more isn't there? There's always more. always an excuse with useless people like you." 

I could feel harry staring at me. That annoying pity look people like to give out all the time when they feel sorry for someone else but never like receiving themselves when other people feel sorry for them. I ignored him. I didn't want pity from the boy wonder. I should have been the one pitying him. It was my father after all that had gotten his parents killed. This scene was all wrong. All wrong.

"None of this was supposed to happen," peter said in a desperate attempt to gain our trust. Or Harry's. Not my trust. Remember he doesnt care about me at all. his eyes flickered to harry for a second. "your parents... they... they werent meant to die." Of course. It's more about the potters. Not even a mention of anything id just said. like i said. He didnt care. 

"maybe you shouldnt have sold them out then," harry said coldly. 

"No!" He sounded like he might start crying next. Good, I thought, cry like the bitch you are. A bitter thought yes but i was rather bitter. "When he... when he showed up... reg ─ the marques...he said...but it all went wrong...he wasnt meant to...you dont understand! "

"what did you think voldemort was going to their house for?" harry snapped. "Did you think he and my parents would just have a nice chat about their differences over tea?" 

Peter was looking back at me again. I scoffed and turned my nose up in the air at him. He was still making feeble attempts to get me to listen. "we... we had a plan. It didnt work..."

"Yeah, sure, change the story again 'cause we've caught on to you!" I looked at Harry and rolled my eyes. "Can you believe this idiot?" 

"no i cant," said harry. He was glaring at peter. So was I.

Peter was looking more desperate than ever now. As if he actually cared what we thought. Really he just didn't want us to take him to azkaban. He'd say anything to save his own skin.

His eyes flickered to somewhere behind us, no doubt hoping his friend would come save him from the two horrible teenagers. I could hear the fight between snape, sirius, and the marquess. They must have moved closer now but i didnt dare look behind me to see for sure. I wasnt taking any risks the rat man would run away while i had my back turned. I knew he'd leave eventually. That he'd get away no matter what. But I didn't want him to go without me telling him off a few more times. I dunno. I just didn't feel I was done shouting at him.

"I ─ I never meant for any of this to happen," he said. "You have to believe that!" 

"why should we?" i asked. 

"Im sorry." 

"hm. Well that just fixes everything doesnt it? That brings Harry's parents back from the dead yeah? That gets maggie and me off the streets? Alright. Whatever. Shove your apologies up your ─"

"matilda ─" 

"Only teachers call me that. Magnus calls me Tilly. To everyone else it's Mati. You might have known that if you'd bothered being a proper father instead of pretending to be a mindless animal!" 

the fighting was getting closer still. I could see flashes from their curses, lighting up the grass at our feet. Someone was cursing. As in cuss words not spells. It sounded like sirius and it sounded like he was having a time of it but i didnt look. Crookshanks However gave one final hiss at the rat man and dashed off to help sirius. 

"mati then ─" he started but i was feeling rather stubborn.

"dont call me that either. Only my friends can call me that." 

I didn't care what he called me really. I didn't care if he called me anything at all. I was just being difficult as I said. I wanted him to be as frustrated and upset as I was.

It was working if his useless babbling was anything to go by.

Every now an again he'd look past me to the fight. I don't know what was going on but it sounded like sirius was losing. I thought i heard harry run off in that direction but i kept my eyes on rat man. 

Then, for the first time all night, he actually made eye direct contact with me. Real eye contact without looking away a second later. Actually holding my gaze. And in that moment he looked more desperate then ever. I almost felt bad. Almost. But I kept my resolve.

"What do you want from me?" his voice was small and frail. As if I were the one who was hurting him.

"I want you to go back to being dead," i said, which was something i'd never told anyone before. He looked startled but unsurprised. "Clearly you didnt care about your friends and you clearly dont care about your kids. You're pathetic and useless and everyone is better off without you so just go and drop dead and stay away from me!" 

For a moment it looked like he might burst into a fit of tears the way he had back in the shack. Good. I hoped that made him feel like the rubbish he was. I didn't feel guilty. Why should I? He's the one who should be guilty. Not me. I hadn't done anything wrong.

He opened his mouth to say something else, but nothing came out. I suppose it was starting to sink in that he couldnt say or do anything to make me like or trust him. 

"I hate you," i added just for good measure. "Just go! raise your dark lord so you can disappear again. We don't need you at this point anyway. "

"Ah, dont say that." i spun around at the sound of the new voice. It was rat mans friend. "Your father's tried his best." 

I backed away from the taller man, keeping my eyes on both of them. Like i even stood a chance. No wand. No anything except two fists and a bad attitude. But i wasnt going to let them see me afraid. My father was a coward. I was not. "Not really my father. He's never acted like it so why should I claim him?" Then directly to peter I said, "And if this is the best you can do i would hate to see your worst." 

the marquess looked at me for a long moment without saying anything. Something about his posture changed. Almost sad. I was just wondering how he had managed to keep his hood up through out the whole fight sequence since he didnt look as though it were out if place at all. A spell maybe? i wanted to learn it if so; hats were very cute but i could never wear them without them falling off my head. That was what i was thinking about becuz it was so much better than the situation at hand. Fashion was the one thing that hadn't been ruined for me that night.

"I had an awful mother," the marquess decided to tell me at last. "i know all about bad parenting." 

i suppose that was meant to make me sympathetic of him or even to convince me my father wasnt awful. Just becuz he had a bad mum. That didn't mean he understood me. "There wasn't any parenting here at all!"

"Might've been more than you think..."

I started to argue but he didn't let me. I wanted to hit him for cutting me off. "There's a lot more to this story, Matilda. You'll hear about it someday. Maybe in a month or two. Maybe in three years from now. Or even twelve years ago."

"What the fuck are you on about?" I snapped.

"it's confusing isn't it?" He grinned at me from under the hood. I scowled back at him.

"Let's put it this way. If you don't start making sense im going to throw a rock at your head!"

"That's rather violent. You must be the gryffindor one."

I glared at him. I didn't like the assumption that all gryffindors were brash, unthinking hotheads. Even if that's exactly what I was being at the moment.

Peter made a noise of protest as well, but he didnt say anything out loud. Id forgotten until then that he was in gryffindor too. I wondered for a moment how he'd managed to get sorted there. He was the opposite of everything gryffindor house stood for. I was disgusted to share the house with him. He didn't deserve to be a gryffindor.

The marquess didn't take the comment back though. He seemed to think it a fact rather than a stupid stereotype.

"Anyway, theres no time to tell the whole story now. We have things do." He almost looked sorry about it. But i'm sure that was a trick as well. He was a friend of rat mans after all. Of course he would be a no good liar as well. "It's not fair, and it doesn't make much sense right now. But trust me, we're all on the same side here." 

i scoffed. "Yeah right." 

"no really! it'll all make sense someday. And then we'll all just look back on this day and laugh." 

"im sure." 

rat man looked miserable. I was happy about that at least. "Please, reg ─"

"Ah, ah, ah! no spoilers, I told you! The big reveal remember?" the marquess jumped to clamp a hand over his mouth. He turned and smiled back at me. It was nice. Friendly. Normal. Which made him, in my opinion, all the more mad. "We'll meet again very soon, Mati. Don't know where, don't know when ─"

I got whip lash from how fast my anger turned to confusion. "Are you trying to quote vera lynn at me?"

The marquess stared back at me as if I were the mad one. "I have no idea who that is. But we'll be off now!"

Peter started to beg, "wait. Please!" But the marquess grabbed him By the arm preparing for a dramatic exit.

"Good luck with the dementors!"

And just like that my rage returned. Cold as ice. I didn't register what he'd said about dementors at first. "wait a minute! You can't just ─" 

but he did. A burst of smoke erupted from his wand; for a moment i was blind. I coughed and spatted at the smoke. When it cleared they were gone. 

A new wave of fury. I was shaking with it. "You bastards get back here!"  but they were gone. Both of them. The stranger who was likely another follower of voldemort and the man who was supposed to be my father. Gone. Just gone. Again. They couldnt have appearated out of course. It was impossible. But i was so beyond pissed off that i didnt even stop to question their disappearance. I wanted to hit someone. Not just with a curse but with my fist. Like a muggle. I wanted to hunt them down and strangle them. I couldnt remember if id ever been that mad before. 

"Mati, think happy thoughts." it was harry. He was yelling at me from where he was bent over a fallen sirius. There was something wrong. Sirius wasnt moving. Harry was shaking and fumbling with his wand.  

"what kind of stupid advice  ─" i turned to glare at him, but stopped short. I saw the problem now. And it kicked in then, what the marquess had said about dementors. A hundred of them were hovering over us. thick black shadows, a dark cloud that would never be lifted. Or so it seemed. Harry was waving his wand, trying to use the spell lupin had taught him but it wasnt working. He passed out seconds later. 

I stormed over. "Oh for god's sake! Piss off you little wankers!" 

i swatted at them, but it was useless. They were like ghosts; my fists went right through them. I was yelling and shouting all the foulest words i knew, my rage for rat man and his stupid friend pouring out at the sight of them. They were drawing it out of me I was sure. All the worst bits of me spilling out on to the bed of the lake next to the unconscious Sirius and passed out harry. I was sure it was their fault. If they hadnt showed up then maybe the marquess and rat man wouldnt have gotten away. Maybe sirius could have stopped them. 

But my rage turned on him next. If he hadnt escaped, if he hadnt went looking for peter and just stayed in prison then none of this would have happened. I would still be blissfully unaware of anything and the murderer of harrys parents wouldnt have fled off to find the most vile wizard of all time. 

I was mad at harry too. For being a wimp and passing out the second a few bloody dementors showed up. For being an all around pain. Always sneaking around causing everyone else problems. The drama in his life just had to effect me too didnt it? he couldnt just keep it all to himself. If hed just stay out of everyones buisness... 

i knew it wasnt fair but i was pissed off and looking for someone to blame. So i blamed everyone i could. I blamed professor lupin for showing harry what to do during the dementor attack but not me. I blamed professor snape for just being professor snape. I blamed ron becuz how could he have not known his pet rat was secretly a creepy old man? i blamed hermione becuz she was supposed to be the brightest witch of our age. How could she not have worked all this out sooner? i blamed nina becuze she was right. I blamed magnus becuz he should have soon all this bad stuff coming.

and i blamed myself. Becuz i should have known better than to dream so big. I should have known that putting my parents up on any type of mantle could only have lead to disaster. I should have expected my father wouldnt live up to what i wanted. I should have realised he'd be a disappointment. 

It was overwhelming really. All that rage. That great big cloud getting closer and closer to the ground. Ready to consume me completely. The easiest thing, I felt, was to let it consume me. I'd never feel alright again anyway. It was just this bitter cold, brittle and biting and chipping away, bit by bit, at my sad little soul.

I dont remember falling to the ground, but that's where i was when professor snape caught up. Shaking with rage and sobbing angry tears. Everything was hazy. I couldn't see past the fog in my head or the tears in my eyes. Everything was just so cold and bitter. When magnus came to my side, I hardly felt it when he grabbed me and said my name. Trying to rescue me from the depths of despair. But it was too late. That cloud was already consuming me, fully and completely. I wasn't coming back. I'd never feel anything ever again except for this cold bitter rage taking over my mind. I was so angry and so hurt I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do anyway. What could I do except sit there and sob and sob and sob while my brother held on to me and tried desperately to help with matters he couldn't possibly fix.

I mighta wondered why he wasn't effected by the dementors just then if I'd been in my proper state of mind. But as it was I didn't think to question it until many months after the fact.

The professor took one look at the scene and took out his wand. I hardly realised what he was doing at first. My head was fuzzy, and I was a bit busy sobbing into my brothers shirt. Snape moved to the center of the dementors, swarming all around me and Sirius and harry and maggie. some of them got pretty close but i just didnt care any more. 

Let them have my soul. What did I need it for anyway?

professor snape raised his wand. He started to say, "expecto ─"

but then, somewhere in the distance, or maybe close by, it was hard to tell, someone screamed loud as can be, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!" 

the strangest thing happened next. A silver stag came galloping to our rescue from across the lake. No im not making it up. It was bright and glowing, and made from a sort of mist. My anger slowly began subsiding at its arrival. Within seconds the silver stag had chased away all the dementors at once. But I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep for a hundred years. The night had been far too much for me.

Professor Trelawney had been wrong. It was so much more than a bit of a shock.