The sweaty blankets held Xandra back as she shot up off her bed with a gasp. She clasped at her lungs, breathing heavily. Flashes of her dream fly by her eyes, Manasseh, the cliff, his words.

"Sun, you left me."

The moonlight spilled across her tear stricken face. She patted her nightstand in the dark, hands clasping a tiny leatherbound book. In the dark, with the ever so familiar moonlight, she wrote. For the first time she wrote everything she could remember, everything she felt. Xandra wrote until her hands blistered, until her eyes strained from writing in the dark. 

Two repeated words scribbled across every line. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'

*

*

*

The church glowed pleasantly with the setting sun's backdrop. Xandra stopped and raised her head to its spiked columns, the stained glass casting triangles on her face.

What am I doing here?

Xandra stepped over the open doors and inside the church. Rows and rows of pews lay perfectly straight to her sides. The grand aisle she stood on looked golden under the shimmering stained glass murals. A beggar slept right at the church's door step, while a man stood and prayed towards the front. The church was quiet.

For a long time, she simply stood there at the empty church's double doors. Gripping her hand bag tighter over her shoulder; Xandra prepared to walk away.

"Stay a little while longer; the church of the Lord is open to everyone."

Xandra stilled before turning to the priest. Her mouth opened and she couldn't help the words that have been tickling at her mind. "If it's so open, then why aren't you letting him in?" She gestured at the beggar sleeping on the church's steps.

The priest's dusty cheeks wrinkled around his eyes as he smiled. "We tried to let him in, though he refused. But how about you, young lady? You seem to have a lot in mind." His smile did not waver, his eyes almost closed entirely.

Xandra took a deep breath, thought it over. The paper in which her dreams were written burned her hand inside her pockets. She gripped it tighter. She was raised in a Christian household, attending services, praying prayers. Though it wasn't anything she particularly hated or rejoiced. She wondered what brought her here in the first place.

Glancing at the patiently smiling priest in front of her, Xandra nodded. Her brother was away, her parents were away. She didn't have friends, and her co-worker was almost non-existent with his silence. A stranger, I'm ready to ask advice from a stranger. How ridiculous.

"Why don't we sit for a moment, young lady?"

They sat in front of the stage, bestowed in golden dusk light. "Hey," Xandra started, eyes blank, face rigid. "Why do you think God is real?"

The priest took a moment, before answering, "Faith, young lady. We don't just think he's real, we know it. Believe in it."

Xandra wasn't swayed just yet.

He spoke again, "Was that really what you wanted to ask?"

"Why do you think the man right outside the church refused to go in?" Xandra changed the subject.

The priest thought, and answered, "He didn't want to soil the carpet with his feet."

Xandra snorted.

He said, "Do you not believe me? Well then, after answering my question, you can leave and ask the man why he didn't want to go in."

This time, Xandra looked towards the old priest. His gray eyes were open, quizzical yet gentle. She didn't nod, instead she looked back ahead. "How can you be so sure in your answer?"

The priest didn't take a moment to think; he blurted out, "Young lady, are you trying to run away from something?"

Xandra stilled, breath hitched. From her peripheral vision, she could see and feel the priest's concerned gaze. Her clammy hands gripped the front row pew tighter before letting go with an exhale.

Without a word, she stood up and motioned to leave.

"Hold on one moment," The old priest shouted in surprise. She didn't know what had caused her to leave so suddenly, but an even greater confusion surrounded her when she stopped and listened to his next words.

"I have something to show you."

***

The moss green water rippled lightly, the last hints of the sun disappearing under the canopy of the hidden garden behind the church. Xandra had nearly lost her breath, gripping the railings of the small bridge over the lake.

The water bubbled, koi fish swimming around. The nameless priest leaned his elbows on the railing beside her. "I met someone once." He began.

"She was beautiful, and kind, and loved God." He said, "Though she's gone now."

Xandra sat down on a chair adjacent to him and crossed her arms, looking up at the canopy above. "What happened?" She asked for formalities' sake.

"She left me. I'm divorced with 2 kids." He added after a moment of silence. "At first I dismissed the fact that I was at fault, that I was the one that drove her away. Because it couldn't be, I gave her everything and supported her through and through."

Xandra could feel his gaze fall on her. "I ran away from her. From the divorce. From the kids. From our house. I ran away from it all." He continued, "I think you're doing the same. So please, do not be ashamed. After all, God is in this place. He hears you."

Xandra snatched her gaze away from the falling rays of sunlight, the cold breeze of a coming evening settling in. A sigh escaped her, feeling the words and the thoughts in her mind fighting to break out. She did want someone to talk to. Someone who would listen.

Looking at the stranger gently smiling at her, Xandra couldn't help but want to say something. Everything. Tell him all the things in her mind, her wretched mind, out her twisted mouth. She wanted him to know, to feel what she has felt. A stranger. She wants him to carry it all for her.

Please.

"Tell me. When you finally realize you've been tormenting yourself with that divorce. And it stared at you as you slept. What did you do?" Her teeth gritted, she looked back at the lake. "I've seen everything. I've acknowledged it, but I can't see the purpose of doing anything about it."

Xandra hunched over, hiding her face behind her arms. "I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything at all." A chuckle left her bitter lips, "heck, I probably don't deserve to rid myself of it at all. I should just–" She stopped herself, eyes widening to try and stop the tears.

Xandra crumpled closer to herself as she said the question she desperately needed to ask. "Father, what should I do?"

The silence on the priest's end was unbearable. Until at last he took a deep breath, and Xandra heard the slight footsteps. She expected a hand to fall, or for him to finally say what she wanted to hear.

Instead he said in a strained voice, "No matter what you're going through...just trust that everything happens for a reason, and be strong about it. God is working in you."

Xandra's face stilled, she wiped her tears on her sleeves and stood. Her face angled to the entrance, not once meeting the priest's eyes. Goosebumps pricked her skin, running up to the back of her neck.

Shakily, she whispered, "Thank you for your advice, father. It's late, I should get going now."

The church's warm torches blazed against her skin as she sped past its murals and sparkling pews. The rich man was gone. The sun has long since been replaced by the moon. Sparkling and ever so familiar. It scratched under her skin.

Xandra crossed the threshold, finding the old beggar now sitting against the steps. She walked past him. Then she turned around, voice seemingly from afar.

"Why won't you go inside?"

"I don't want to soil the carpet."

Xandra walked past him, and settled on the waiting shed. Then she broke, head between her hands. Why are you frustrated? Is it because you've heard his advice more than you can count? How ridiculous. Or is it just because that wasn't what you wanted to hear?

She bit her lips until it drew blood.

***

Xandra took out her vibrating phone. Mom, it said. She swiped green.

"Hello?"

"Xandra! William asked me to look out for you, said you've visited the hospital three times this week," The frustrated voice wasn't her father.

"Xander? What are you doing with dad's phone?" She cleaned out the papers from her table and stuffed them in the trash bin.

"Tsk, have you forgotten already? Have you even packed yet?"

"Oh," came her unenthusiastic reply. "No, I haven't." She had forgotten Blossom Hill.

"Then do it now!"

"Right, right."

"But wait–! Don't hang up yet."

Xandra sighed and put him on speaker. She took out an old suitcase from under her bed.

"What's up with all the hospital visits lately? Honestly, at this point I wouldn't be shocked if you're just doing that to meet with my best friend."

Xandra snorted, wiping dust off the suitcase.

"But seriously, are you alright?" Xandra stilled. "William sent me some medicine, told me to give it to you. Xandra, you're anemic, and have been suffering constant migraines lately."

Both ends became silent.

"Are you going to speak at all?"

"Still here."

Xander sighed from the other end, "Alright. I'm going to hang up now. Just come here and don't forget to take care of yourself. See you at the airport!"

He hung up, leaving the bare apartment silent. Xandra picked up clothes and stuffed them in the bag. Blossom Hill, she remembered.

***

Apologies for the late update, I had to walk my fish and farm motivation. ;)