Kabanata 38

I sometimes wonder why bad things happen to people. Sabi nila, karma raw ito sa mga masamang ginawa ng mga tao. It's just the consequences of their actions. Whatever you throw at people will eventually be thrown towards you.

Pero paano naman ako? Ano bang ginawa ko?

I admit that I'm not perfect, I'm not even considered as a good person. Sa mata ng marami ay maaaring hindi ako magandang ehemplo upang gayahin ng mga tao. I do things like cursing, drinking and I'm mostly driven by my hormones. Pero ni minsan ay hindi ko hinangad na makasakit ng taong walang ginawang masama sa akin. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay nagtataka ako kung bakit ba paulit-ulit na lang itong nangyayari. My life was like a cycle of misfortunes.

"Arri..."

I was too numb, I don't know if it's because of the medicines they gave to me or the solemn feeling inside of my chest that just won't sink. I kept staring at the empty space of the room because I can't move my face due to bruises I've got from the incident. Naranasan ko na ito noon, my face was heavily injured but I was able to make light out of it.

I tried pinching myself just to feel pain but even if my skin bleeds, the pain just won't come. I wanted to feel pain to let myself know that I was still alive. I don't know...I know pain isn't the only validation to feel alive but I wasn't capable of feeling joy or anything right now. Kahit sana sakit na lang para alam kong buhay pa ako.

"Arri, do you wanna eat something?"

Adren was holding my hand, gently rubbing it. I feel nothing. I couldn't find any warmth in his cold hands.

"The baby is still inside me, right?" I asked, unexpectedly my voice turned out hoarse.

"I love you."

I can't look at him right now.

The lump in my throat continues to grow. The tears I tried so hard to suppressed from falling decided it's time for them to go. My heart finally felt heavy and the hollow feeling was replaced with excruciating pain.

Ah, finally, there's pain. Buhay ka pa nga, Arrisea.

Buhay ka pa nga pero parang pinatay ka na rin.

I wanted to scream but I have no voice. I wanted to hurt someone but I have no energy to. I wanted to hurt someone so badly...but that won't bring my baby back.

"Arri, I love you." Adren was kissing my knuckles, it felt wet and it was probably also from his tears.

"Did you know I was planning on naming the baby with a letter A too?" A bittersweet feeling entered my chest. "Paano ko na siya papangalanan ngayon?"

I sniffed but the tears won't stop.

"Arri..." he kissed the top of my head as his grip on my hand tightens. "I'm sure that our baby is proud of you. You're still here. I thought...I've lost you forever."

"I couldn't save our baby..."

Adren shed a tear.

"I told myself that I'll stay with you, kahit isang rason lang 'yon. But I saw you having a more peaceful life without me. I couldn't take that away from you..."

His breathing hitched. "Your peace matters the most, Arri. I just thought I could be with you when things are already settled. Pero hanggang ngayon ay gulo pa rin ang dala ko sa'yo..."

Our gazes locked with each other.

We both understood what it meant. Sometimes, we have to let go of certain people, memories, or places just to regain our peace. Adren's grip on my hand loosen and he gave a smile.

I guess no matter how many years have passed, I will forever be in love with his smile.

"I love you every day, Arrisea."

The muscles on my face had a hard time moving but I forced myself to lift the corners of my lips.

"I love you every day, Adren."

He slowly stood up. He left the room with slow and heavy steps. It felt like forever before it sinks in to me that Adren was already gone. I continued looking at the empty space.

Finally, peace.

It took months before I finally accepted that A was gone. The baby I never got to hold. I wanted to blame myself, if only I let someone else fixed my things that day or if I only didn't talk to Tatiana then A was probably still here. Nandito pa sana ang anak ko. There are times where I'll just sit down and cry for hours because the regrets were consuming my entire being. Ang dami kong pagsisisi na hanggang ngayon ay sinisisi ko pa rin sa sarili ko.

Masyado akong nagmadali. Sa sobrang sabik ko magmahal muli ay sinunggaban din agad ako ng sakit.

I don't have the strength to see Tatiana even if she was behind bars. Am I being inhumane if I'll confess that I wanted her to suffer more than that? Buhay ang kinuha niya sa amin, hindi ito matutumbasan ng kahit ano.

Pero gusto ko na matapos ang sakit. Gusto ko na lagyan ito ng tuldok.

The prison makes my skin crawl. Hindi pa ako nakakapasok sa loob pero dama ko kung paano dumadaplis ang takot sa mga puso ng mga nasa loob ng rehas. I fixed my self before talking to one of the guards to guide me through this hellhole.

Ilang beses ko inisip kung paano ko kakausapin ang taong ilang ulit ko na pinatawad pero paulit-ulit lang ako sinasaktan sa mga desisyon niya. The door opened and it revealed a woman that seems familiar but also unfamiliar at the same time. Umakyat ang takot sa dibdib ko habang unti-unti siyang umuupo sa harapan ko.

"Are you happy now?" she asked, gritting her teeth.

I looked at Tatiana, she wasn't hiding the spite on her face. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang galit niya saakin, she looks disheveled in her detainee uniform.

"The mere fact you didn't even regret what you did disgusts me." I told her, not backing out from her eyes.

"I'll do that over and over again just to make you suffer, Arri. You deserved it."

She sounded wicked. Tumatawa siya habang may mga patak ng luha sa kanyang mga pisngi. I wanted to feel pity for her, pero wala akong maramdaman kundi galit dahil walang bahid ng pagsisisi sa kanyang mukha.

"In what reason did I deserve it?"

"Mangaagaw ka!"

"Anong inagaw ko sa'yo? Si Adren? Bakit? May pangalan mo ba si Adren? Binili mo? Pinalagyan mo ng copyright?" my emotions was getting ahead of me.

"I had him first! Una ko siyang nakilala sa'yo! Akin si Adren!"

"But you don't own him! You can't own people, Tatiana! You are being delusional when you think that you own people because you don't. They belong to themselves, sila ang nakakaalam kung sino ang gusto nila. Stop your delusions, it's disgusting."

Tumahimik siya. At agad na umiyak. "You don't deserve him!"

I thought I can forgive her but seeing how she doesn't change and she clearly still think she's a victim, it makes me want to barf. May mga tao talaga na kahit wala ka namang ginawang mali sa kanila ay ikaw pa ang gagawing masama.

"Mangaagaw ka! Mangaagaw! Inagaw mo ang dapat saakin!"

She was screaming hysterically while pointing her finger at me, may mga umawat naman sa kanya na mga pulis na siyang nagsisilbing bantay niya.

"We could have been friends," nanginginig kong saad, halos unti-unting nadudurog ang puso. "We didn't have to end up like this, Tatiana. Why did you have to do it?"

"Mahal ko si Adren, Arrisea! He should have been mine! Lahat ginawa ko para sa kanya! I even changed my entire image to fit his taste!" she cried out. Napapikit ako nang mariin habang unti-unting kumuyom ang kamao ko.

"You know what makes me sad more?" pinilit ko siyang tingnan kahit namumuo ang galit sa aking puso.

"Sinira mo 'yung buhay mo para sa wala." I spat out before walking out. I was shaking as I kept on removing the tears on my eyes.

I didn't want her to destroy my peace so I left. The best way to protect your peace is to ignore those who tries to destroy it. Sa huli naman, sila lang ang nagpapalungkot sa sarili nila.

I always remind myself that it's never my loss because I could have offered them genuine support and love but they decided to be toxic to me instead. I wanna remind myself that cutting toxicity from my life is okay and it's normal.

I should never feel bad about it.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪☽༓☾❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜