Kabanata 36

"Arrisea, I'm sorry." Adren said, almost breaking down. "All of the things I've said were awful. At alam ko 'yon. My words hurted you - I hurt you. And I -"

"Forgive you," tuloy ko sa kan'yang sasabihin. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Why?" his eyes fell again. This time, he looked regretful. "You shouldn't -"

"Nasaktan din kita noon." I tearfully said. "And I'm also sorry."

Loving is the easy part. Kaakibat ng bawat pag-ibig ang sakit. At nawawala lang ang sakit na ito gamit ng pagpapatawad. We forgive not because it is necessary but because of love. We do not let hatred ruined it for us.

The two of us decided to have a talk where we'll clear things out. He told me about the things that they had to do to make sure Tatiana won't bother me and my family anymore. I really can't believe she'll stoop this low. Ako naman ay binato lahat ng mga tanong na meron ako para sa kan'ya.

"So, you mean? Nothing really happened?"

Nakaupo kami ngayon sa higaan. Halos lumubog ako sa sobrang lambot ng kama niya. Gusto ko tuloy i-tanong kung magkano ang comforter nito.

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"What made you think that something happened?"

"I mean, there was this guy..." I trailed off.

Kasalanan ko ba na halos gano'n ang mga kinukwento sa akin kapag may nakaka-one night stand? Magigising ka na lang na iba na ang damit mo? Ano bang malay ko? E, tulog ako no'n? Saka kapag may nalalasing sa amin at nagsusuka, mga dakila lang ang nag-aalaga sa mga lasing!

I just wanted to make sure Adren didn't just say those things to make me feel better. I'll seriously sue that person in case ha had touched me! Pero ayon kay Adren, wala raw talagang interest 'yon sa akin dahil sa lalaki ito nagkakagusto.

"He came for his umbrella."

"He was there and I thought..."

I think realization hits him because his lips parted.

"So, that's why..." Tumango-tango pa siya, "inaasar ako nung kaklase ko na 'yon dahil akala niya may inuwi akong babae. Well, I kind of did? Pero wala namang nangyari."

Parang natanggal ang matagal na tinik na nakabara sa aking puso. Nothing happened. Pero sa huli ay wala na rin naman 'yon. That experience made me realize nothing really changes, tuloy pa rin ang buhay. Siguro mas mainam na sa tamang tao mo ito ibigay pero sa huli naman ay hindi naman nabawasan ang pagkatao mo sakaling nawala ito, as long as it's consensual.

And I also realized that during those years, wala namang mali kung pipiliin mo rin na huwag muna ito ibigay. I was young back then, akala ko noon na isa itong simbolo ng pag-ibig. When in fact, it isn't. A girl shouldn't be force to give herself to prove that she loves a boy. Wala roon ang tunay na kahulugan ng pag-ibig. It is only lust; not love. Because love will always wait. No matter how long it takes.

"Is that it? Ito lang ba ang gusto mo pagusapan?"

I sounded hopeful. Sana hindi dahil ayokong hanggang dito lang. Oo, lumayo ako sa kanya dahil akala ko'y wala na talaga. Pero ngayon na parang binibigyan niya ako ng pagasa, I'll gladly take it.

"I'm sorry," ulit niya na tila ba hindi niya narinig na pinapatawad ko na siya.

Nagulat ako dahil tumayo siya at unti-unting lumuhod.

Is this?

"Hala wait," Pinigilan ko siya sa gagawin niya, "hindi pa ako ready sa kasalan."

His brow shot up.

Ay, mali ba?

Bigla akong nag-iwas ng tingin at siningit ang ilang takas na buhok sa likod ng aking tenga.

Sorry na.

"I want to apologize, Arrisea." He continued bending his knees. "Fuck, I know this isn't enough. Marami akong sinabi sa'yo na hanggang ngayon ay pinagsisisihan ko. Every time I remember how I made you feel like shit..."

He rested his forehead in my thigh. My heart immediately melted because of it. Well, hindi naman kasi talaga ako pusong bato.

And honestly? Adren already went through a lot of trauma. Halos madurog ang puso ko sa tuwing iniisip ko ang kabataan niya. How lonely he must have felt. At kung gaano siya kalungkot no'ng mga panahon na wala ako sa tabi niya.

"I'm not hoping for you to come back to me. You deserve better-"

"You are the best option, Adren." I cupped his face so that our eyes would meet.

The thing about his onyx eyes, despite of how dark it was - there's this hidden light called hope. I guess when love abandoned him, hope was there. Kaya kahit walang pag-ibig ay may mga taong kinakaya ang buhay dahil nabubuhay sila sa pag-asa.

His eyes softens. Para akong bumalik sa mga panahon na gusto kong patunayan sa kanya na mabuti ang pag-ibig.

But that isn't true. When I lost him in my life, it opened my eyes that love can indeed hurt you. Just because it's good, it doesn't mean it can't hurt you.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas na tinititigan lang namin ang isa't-isa. Kinakabisado ang bawat sulok ng mukha. I'm sure that we're not the same Adren and Arrisea from before but the feeling of familiarity was there.

I wasn't sure if he feels the same way...

Until his lips slowly reached for mine.

We kissed long and passionate. His hands were guiding my back and it travelled to my neck, his slender fingers run through it. He buried his face to it, leaving marks like how he used to.

Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na gumawa ng kahit na anong tunog. My mouth beteayed me as I spoke of his name in a lascivious way, making him more aggressive while I matched his pace of kisses.

When we stopped, we were almost out of breath. The way we look at each other, we know we both want it too. I kissed him again, this time a little more fiercer. I can taste the vintage wine at the tip of his tongue. So classic.

There was this fire inside of us and it's igniting all sorts of flame. I guess, tonight both of us will get burn by it.

For some reason, I found forgiveness between his touch and kisses. I didn't need his words of assurance or his apology. All I wanted was this moment to come. Where we could finally admit to ourselves that we still wanted each other.

Finally, this night made that come true.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It's been a month since that night. Kapag naaalala ko 'yon ay agad na umiinit ang mga pisngi ko. It was currently 5am in the morning, I decided to visit Etienne because apparently it's been also a month since he went back home. Nagaalala si Tita Ellise sa kanya. I doubt though, baka masyado na naman babad sa computers niya.

Upon entering his office, I saw him sulking on his table. Si Paulene ay nandoon na rin. Mukhang kararating lang din niya.

"Nag-OT na naman siya?" tanong ko kay Paulene.

"Oo e," Tumango si Paulene, "Ganyan 'yata talaga kapag pinanganak ka sa sama ng loob."

Etienne huffed, "I can hear you, Paulene."

Tumayo siya upang kunin ang kape na nasa kamay ni Paulene. He looks worn out, the bags underneath his eyes tells me that he didn't even had any blink of sleep.

"Nag-usap na kami ni Adren, by the way. Kaya medyo naging busy ako ngayong buwan. We're trying to reconnect." I informed him. Pero mukhang alam naman niya.

Binaba niya ang tasa ng kape sa table ni Paulene. Bumalik siya sa kanyang pwesto.

"Duda akong usap lang ang nangyari." Etienne folded his arms across his chest, leaning on his table.

"Sa rupok mong 'yan?" he criticized.

I grimaced at his statement. Napaka-judger!

"Usap nga lang," I insisted, clearing my throat while looking at the glass vase besides his table. "Well, we also talked about how we'll try our best to make our relationship work again."

"Congrats, Arri!" Paulene clasped her hand together, smiling brightly. "Taga-sana all na lang talaga ako."

Etienne shot up his brow. "Naniniwala kang usap lang ang nangyari?"

Kumunot ang noo ni Paulene. "Sir, wala ka bang sex life?"

I laughed so hard that my stomach started hurting. Nakita ko kung paano nalaglag ang panga ni Etienne sa sinabi ni Paulene. He sighs in disbelief as the crease on his forehead increases.

"Bakit bibigyan mo ba ako?" bumawi si Etienne, arching an eyebrow.

Paulene acted surprise. Agad siyang pumunta sa desk niya upang kunin ang isang folder. Bumalik siya at pinakita ito sa kanyang boss. Well, I don't even know if Paulene sees Etienne as her superior.

"Sir, tamang-tama! Nandito lahat ng number nung mga clients ko na nanghingi ng number mo-"

"Client?" nagtatakang tanong ni Etienne.

"Opo, Sir. Marami po kasing humihingi ng number niyo so binenta ko po per digit." Paulene formed her hand into a peace sign.

Etienne clenched his jaw. "Isn't that a corporate malpractice? Bagsak ka ba sa Business Ethics na subject niyo?"

I decided to leave the both of them because I know there's going to be a riot. Walang araw na hindi nag-away ang dalawang 'yon. Etienne can't fire Paulene because she's good at her job. Paulene can't resign because the pay is good. Kaya naman talagang nagtitiis na lang 'yata silang dalawa sa isa't isa.

I went to my job afterwards. Tuwing weekends lang naman ini-ere ang cooking show ko. Sometimes, pre-recorded na lang ito. Minsan naman ay live kapag masyadong mataas ang ratings para mas special daw. I don't get the logic though.

"Hi Chef!" bati nung isang camera crew saakin. Nginitian ko naman ito.

I went to the pantry to check the ingredients I'll use. Isang kilalang socialite ang guest ngayon sa cooking show ko. I think we'll showcase the Filipino culture through our dishes. Pwede naman na ang mga staff ang sumuri rito pero mas panatag ako kung ako mismo ang titingin sa mga gagamitin.

After that, I went to my own dressing room. Sinuot ko lang ang chef's jacket ko at nagpa-apply ng make up sa mukha. My Stylist opted for a more clean look since the guest today is a known socialite, baka raw mairita kapag tinalbugan ko.

"Do I need some script for this? Wala namang pinasa saakin." I asked Direk Tabby, the director of my show.

"Wala e, gusto raw kasi nung guest mo ngayon ay ad lib daw para mas makatotohanan." Direk Tabby looked at me with remorse.

She sighs. "I'm sorry, may kapit kasi sa mga producers kaya hindi ko nagawan ng paraan."

I smiled at her to assure her that it's okay.

"Okay lang, Direk Tabby. I can still do my part without a script."

We started to prepare ourselves as the show is about to air. A red neon sign with an on-air written on it immediately lights up, signalling me that it's already time.

"Welcome to Magandang Life, people! This is another episode of cravings being satisfied..." I stopped mid sentence because I saw someone entered the set.

She looks at me and smiled menacingly. I tried to dismissed it and continued my intro, kahit medyo nauutal ako. This was live, what the heck!

"Today, we'll have our most awaited guest! Grabe, I feel so blessed to have her in this show. A beloved socialite! Ibang level na pala talaga ako dahil mga ultra rich na ang mga bisita ko rito." I nervously chuckled so that there's time for me to see the name of the guest being shown on the screen infront of me.

My eyes widened as I read it.

Dayanara Reverio.

What the actually hell?!

My jaw dropped and I stopped functioning. Tumingin ako kay Direk Tabby, agad naman niya itong nakuha at nag-signal saakin na mag-salita para sa commercial break.

"S-so, gusto ko kayo bitinin! After this break, you'll get to meet our beloved guest! Mahuhulaan niyo kaya?" I winked on the camera to suppress what I'm currently feeling.

I was scared for some reason. Nanginginig ang mga binti ko pero buti na lang ay natatakpan ito kaya hindi nakikita ng mga crew.

"I'm so sorry, this was probably sudden for you."

Lumapit saakin si Dayanara. Kada hakbang niya papunta saakin ay lalo kong nararamdaman ang tension galing sa kanya.

She looks gentle and kind compare to Adren's mother. Si Tita Anais kasi ay mas mukhang mataray. Pero iba ang pakiramdam ko kay Dayanara, she omits a different kind of atmosphere.

"N-no, nagulat lang po ako."

She only smiled at me.

When the commercial break was over, I tried my best to remain professional. Binibiro ko pa si Dayanara kahit di ko alam kung natutuwa siya.

"Sanay na sanay po kayo sa paghihiwa ng mga kamatis," puri ko sa kanya. I do this often to boost the confidence of the guests when it comes to their cooking.

"Well, I cook for my children."

She looks at me knowingly. It sent chills to my spine. Kinikilabutan ako sa mga titig na binibigay niya saakin.

"Sa pagkakaalam ko ay school mate kayo ng anak kong lalaki, you might know him. His name is Adonis but his peers call him Adren..."

"Ah, yes po. I know him. Ang pogi po ng anak niyo!" Tumawa na lang ako para maibsan ang takot na nadarama.

"Yeah but he's kind of snobbish. Akala ko nga ay wala siyang mahahanap na babaing kakayanin ang ugali niya."

She exasperatedly sighed.

"Meron naman po siguro."

She widened her smile. It was full of mockery. "Of course! He found her already. Para ngang isang fairytale ang love story nila."

Iniwas ko ang tingin ko. I washed the kangkongs to divert my attention.

"Do you want to know the girl?" her tone was almost accusing me.

Hindi ako mapakali, she knows something. I know she do. The way her eyes bore into my entire being tells me she knows everything.

"My son is dating Tatiana Fuentes, the handicapped model? Pero ngayon ay nakakalakad na siya, my son helped her recover. What a beautiful love story, don't you think?"

Nabitawan ko ang mga kangkong na kanina pa nalulunod sa tubig. Pinatay ko ang gripo. I smiled at her.

We're freaking live. Nasa isang TV station kami ngayon. She knows it very well. She's broadcasting this with me when in fact she knows...

"Good for them po."

Binalik niya lamang ang ngiti.

I know the truth, old hag.

Nagpatuloy kami sa pagluto ng sinigang. I was unusually quiet that Direk Tabby would signal me to speak. I know I should be professional. I know. Pero hindi ko magawa.

Habang nilalagay namin ang mga gulay para sa sinigang, I felt something on my throat. My stomach was churning. Gusto ko masuka.

I signalled Direk Tabby to give a commercial break. Agad naman niya itong pinagbigyan.

Sumuka ako sa malapit na basurahan.

"Oh my, don't you like sinigang?"

Lumapit sa akin si Dayanara at naramdaman ko ang paghagod niya sa likod ko.

"H-hindi naman po. Sa amoy lang po siguro."

Pero ilang beses na akong nakapagluto ng sinigang. Wala rin naman siyang nilagay doon na hindi nakarating sa akin.

I wiped my lips with some tissue that was brought to me by the crew.

"Hija," Dayanara's eyes went to my stomach.

"Are you pregnant?"

❛ ━━━━━━･❪☽༓☾❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜