ADREN

Kabanata 35

"I love you."

Those words are constantly being use everyday. Almost every hour, every minute, every second in this world.

It is used a little too much that it already lost it's meaning.

Madaling bitawan. Madaling sabihin. Madaling itanggi. Madaling bawiin.

"I'll be going back in the Philippines. I think it won't work." I said, faking my tone of regret.

I just really wanted to cut it off with her. We only dated because of our parents wanted to. Sa rason na 'yon, hindi ko maiwasan ang galit sa aking sistema. Even my lovelife is controlled by them.

At some point, maybe I did crave for love and affection. Yet every girl I've dated are only after three things - the wealth, the looks or the power.

No one really wanted to see what's beneath those three things. Para sa kanila, ang tatlong bagay na 'yon ang tanging mahalaga pagdating saakin.

So, I believe that too. It's easy to just believe in what other people believe in. It's harder to build your own belief, so why not just go with the norm, right?

"You'll come back for me, babe? Adonis?" she asked, desperation in her voice.

I only smiled at her.

Of course not.

Pagbalik ko sa Pilipinas ay agad kong pinutol lahat ng komunikasyon namin. Honestly, I don't even remember her name. The girls in my life come and go...

Until this certain girl came.

Short hair. A small beauty mark on her face. Thick eyelashes. Goldilock's lips.

She was pretty in a conventional way. I've seen better but there's something about her that bothers me, probably because she just announced she wanted five thousand pesos from me if ever I did like her back.

I just smiled. Never. She's a little too wild. Girls like her are not easy to get rid of.

I'm always smiling, just like the emoticon - a smile can hide your inner feelings. It isn't only for joy but it could also hide your pain, anguish, sadness, and more. It was easy that way, walang makakaalam ng tunay mong nararamdaman.

They couldn't use it against you.

"Chicks 'yung mga nasa TVL 'no?" I heard one of my blockmates.

"Malamang! Maraming time mag-ayos ng sarili. Nagluluto lang naman 'yung mga nasa culinary!"

"May mga kaibigan ako na nag-TVL kasi mas madali 'yata."

"Sus, sa TVL at HUMSS naman talaga bagsak ng mga di marunong sa math at gusto ng easy easy lang."

The sound of their laughter made me winced. It's full of judgement and stereotyping. Wala akong kakilala sa ibang strand, I keep my circle as little as possible when it comes to school so I don't know if what they're talking about is real or it's just to feed their ego and boost their fake superiority.

Siguro nga, mas madaling manghila ng tao pababa upang makaangat ka. That kind of mentality is a norm nowadays that people consider it as a daily thing to do.

Bata pa lamang ako ay pinakilala na saakin ang mga dapat kong kilalanin at kaibiganin. Those who are only on the same social class are the ones who are worthy of my attention. Even my friends are already arranged by my Grandpa's Secretary. In this case, Giorgion San Pedro only became my friend because my Grandpa is impressed with their firm. Gio treats me as his genuine friend though despite of my little participation in his life.

"Kuya," Sumilip si Lavy habang nasa study room ako, "tinatanong ni Dad kung kakain ka raw ba mamaya?"

And risk my life for a mere dinner? No, thank you.

"No, busog pa ako."

I never blame Lavy for replacing Solstice. I tried my best to act brotherly towards her but Dayanara still thinks Lavy is Solstice thus she tries her best to separate the both of us. Dayanara still thinks she's the real Solstice. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pilit itong pinapatulan ni Alfos. Dayanara clearly needs help - but Alfos won't let her.

I never wanted to be as crazy as Alfos when it comes to love. I don't want that kind of love. The kind that makes you forget all the bad things about the person and only see the goodness in them. That's stupid, no one is perfect in this world. We are all flawed...but I guess love can make you accept flaws as part of how someone becomes perfect in your eyes.

"Etienne, kuha mo ako ng tubig." Utos ni Lavy habang nasa patio kami.

Walang sabi-sabing tumayo si Etienne upang kumuha ng tubig. I was laughing on the inside because he was really following her like a lost puppy.

I couldn't understand it though, Etienne was beyond our social class. He was at the top of the chain. Pero heto siya, tuta ng kapatid ko.

I'll never be like him. I swear to all saints, I'll never make myself a slave of something so trivial like love and friendship. Napakababaw nito dahil nagbabago naman ito pero ginagawang malalim ng mga tao.

So when Arrisea Cabrera came in my life, I didn't want her at all. Ayoko sa kanya dahil ang hirap niya tanggalin sa sistema. Nung una ay pasulpot-sulpot lang siya hanggang sa halos araw-araw na kaming nagkikita.

"Dude, crush ko 'yon sa TVL! Si Arrisea! Ganda no'n pero playgirl daw e!"

"Ano pa bang aasahan mo sa strand niya?" Halakhak nung kasama niya.

My jaw clenched and I immediately look at them.

What a bunch of lowlifes. Pero bakit ba ako naapektuhan? This is normal for me, hearing others judge people they don't know.

"Adren! Kung papapiliin ka, si Arrisea o si Philomena?" tanong ng kaklase ko sa akin. I tried to divert the topic but they were persistent.

"Philomena, I guess?" pilit ang ngiti ko. I don't even know who's that girl. Ayoko lang na madawit kay Arrisea. I couldn't even remove her from my system, at kapag nalaman nila 'yon - they might use that against me.

They quickly judged my answer and concluded my preference when it comes to girls. Napa-irap ako sa iritasyon.

Normal na 'yon saakin. Ang hindi normal ay apektado ako masyado pagdating kay Arrisea. Sino ba siya 'di ba? She was...Arrisea. The girl who keeps on bugging me for some reason. Hindi ko alam, is she just infatuated? Because damn it, I want it to be more. Parang hindi ako kuntento kung crush niya lang ako.

"This tastes bland," I commented while wiping the side of my lips with a table napkin.

"Don't you like the buttered shrimps? Do you want another chef to do it for you?" Grandpa asked.

This was the fourth chef to do the same dish already. My taste buds are searching for something more. Sinanay na 'yata ako ni Arrisea sa luto niya o ng mama niya. The luxurious food being served by high-profile chefs do not compare to their cooking.

Each day we spent together, I can't take my eyes off her. Natatakot na baka mawala siya sa paningin ko. Have you ever had something so precious that you couldn't risk losing it? She was like that for me. I couldn't afford to lose her. She made my nights peaceful and I look forward to the days I'll spend with her. Sabi niya mahal niya ako. Buong buhay ko, sa kanya ko lang 'yon narinig.

It sounded nice. Kaya siguro may mga tao na araw-araw itong binabanggit. I wanted to hear it from her every day...

As much as I loathe how people use I love you every day as their greetings...Arrisea made me feel that saying it every day won't suffice anymore. Parang kung pwede lang sabihin kada segundo ay ginawa ko na. She deserves it. She made me realize that one of the best thing a person can offer you for free is love.

Yet love isn't always free.

She broke up with me. I didn't understand it at first. It is because of the trip? It is because of the stair accident? Suzette's problem? May problema ba siya sa bahay? But she kept on lying on my face. I know because Arrisea is as blunt as she could be, she didn't know how to lie.

Maybe I was becoming one of her problems? Hindi ko alam at hindi ko alam ang gagawin. This was genuinely confusing for me. I've never been loved and I have never loved anyone before she came to my life. The foreign feeling of pain in my heart numbs me. Akala ko noon, alam ko na lahat ng klase ng sakit - but this was the worst among all of it. Ito 'yung sakit na nanunuot hanggang sa loob mo at hindi mo kayang tanggalin.

Until Etienne made everything clear for me.

"Kuya Adren, what if Arrisea likes me?"

"What did you say?" I can't help but glare at him. Etienne only looked at me innocently.

"I mean, I'm like the better version of you. I'm also rich, good looking but I don't have a disastrous family." Halakhak niya. "Don't you think? She's talking to me daily too. Tapos ikaw, iniiwasan ka na? How does it feel when the person you love is in love with someone close to you?"

My lips parted and I wanted to punch him in face. Pero hindi ako pinalaking bayolente. I know the feeling of being hurt physically so I couldn't do it to others. Still, the way he says things...It makes sense. Siguro nga...I mean we were doing fine until Etienne came.

Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko. I could feel my nails digging into my palms. Bakit gano'n? She made me whole but she was also the person who tore me apart.

Did she just really lie? Did I just delude myself that someone can possibly love me?

Gaano ba ako kahirap mahalin? Bakit lahat na lang ng taong binibigyan ko ng kahalagahan ay iniiwan ako?

Pero kung sa kanya siya sasaya, how could I ever forgive myself for ruining that for her? I should be happy that she made me feel loved...even if it didn't last.

"I'm playing around," Etienne shrugged. "Para kang tanga riyan. Hindi ko inakalang mahuhulog ka talaga nang ganiyan."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kanya at kumunot ang noo. Agad niya akong binalingan nang isang matalim na tingin.

"Tatiana," Etienne uttered a familiar name. "She's hell bent on making Arrisea's life a hell. Para lang makuha ka..."

My jaw clenched. Sino na naman 'yon? Bakit ba hindi na kami natapos sa problema? Is that the stair girl?

"Madali lang naman, I can make her transfer schools -"

"Tatiana has a connection with your parents."

I became frozen on my spot. Ibig sabihin no'n ay hindi nakikipaglaro 'tong Tatiana na 'to. She knows her cards well. My parents are my greatest nemesis. Sila lang ang tanging bagay na nagiging hadlang sa akin.

"At stepfather niya ang tatay ni Arrisea." Etienne looked at his wrist watch before he sighed.

He explained to me the complicated situation. Akala ko noon ay malakas lang talaga ang trip niya sa buhay, pero halos magimbal ako dahil ang dami niya pala talagang alam. It makes me wonder how he gets all the information. Marami rin naman akong koneksyon pero parang mas marami siyang pinagkukuhanan.

He explained that Arrisea's father decided to leave his family to marry into wealth; and it was to Tatiana's mother. Kaya naman malakas ang alas ni Tatiana, she knows that Arrisea's family is important to her and she can use it against her.

I decided not to get involve with Arrisea for a while. Etienne told me that Tatiana is doing all of this because of my connection with Arri. Halos maging sebo ang galit ko sa Tatiana na 'yon, I cannot wash it easily or even remove it from my thoughts. Namumuo lang ito nang namumuo.

Kaya kahit nilinaw na ni Arrisea sa akin ang lahat na ako pa rin ang mahal niya ay hindi ko matanggap. She may have love me but she loves her family more. At kung papapiliin ako, I'd rather be the bad guy than put her family in danger. Seeing her almost breaking down makes me want to say that I still love her too. But I'm not selfish enough to drag her family into our mess. And there's no excuses for all the words and actions I've said so I don't know if I deserve a redemption.

Ang tanging hiling ko na lang ay maging masaya siya kasama ang pamilya niya - because she had them first and she loved them first. I won't let the warmth of her family vanish.

Indeed, I could pull some strings to make Tatiana stop since she isn't even that powerful. But what makes me different from my parents? From the blood streaming through my veins? Money only becomes the root of evil because people use it to fulfill their evil desires. A currency made of paper cannot make you do evil deeds, but your selfish thoughts to use that paper will.

We were in the middle of preparing a group presentation for Business Ethics when Etienne called me. Nasa condo ako ngayon kasama ang mga kaklase ko. This was my spare condo, pinupuntahan ko lang kapag may gagawin kaming groupwork tapos kailangan overnight o kaya ay gagabihin kami sa paggawa.

We also had a few drinks just because we wanted to celebrate early. Pero minabuti ko na kaunti lang ang mainom.

"Adren, nawawala si Arrisea..." Etienne sounded serious. Agad na nanglaki ang nga mata ko. I immediately asked my groupmates if I can go out for a while. Pumayag naman sila kaya dali-dali akong pumunta sa bar kung nasaan sila.

I had to hail a cab because I can't drive in this state, I was panicking and also a bit drunk. Nakarating ako sa Les Gens. I was just wearing some plain black hoodie and sweat pants. It's already in the middle of the night. I also prepared some refreshment for her just in case.

Nagmukhang mga langgam ang tao sa sobrang dami nila. Natanaw ko si Arrisea na hinihila ng isang lalaki. Agad na akong na-alarma, pinuntahan ko si Arrisea at mukhang lasing na lasing siya. But I know Arri, she wouldn't drink beyond her limit. At alam ko na may mali dahil sa namumungay niyang mga mata.

"Pare, girlfriend ko 'to..." the guy immediately yanked Arri, kaya naman natumba si Arri at bumangga siya sa counter. Gago ba 'to?

"Hindi papatol si Arrisea sa'yo," I gave a cruel smile before gently putting Arrisea behind my back. "I know her taste and even the toe of your foot won't pass her standards."

Nagpatawag ako ng bouncer, thank God that I met the daughter's owner of Les Gens before. Agad kaming lumayo ni Arri habang kinakausap nila 'yung lalaki.

When she saw me, she immediately beamed and kissed me. I was surprised that I responded to her kisses and my hands travelled in her waist. I don't know if it was the liquor she had...pero nakakalasing. I stopped because she was drunk, I'll never do anything to Arrisea when she's in this state.

Kahit di ko pa nakikita si Gio at Etienne ay inuwi ko na si Arrisea dahil sa sobrang wasted niya. Sakto namang wala na ang mga kaklase ko sa condo unit. Umuwi na sila at nagpaalam sa GC namin.

Arrisea acted a little too wild even in the driveway. Kumunot ang aking noo. She is naturally abrasive, pero iba ang inaakto niya ngayon.

Something's...off.

I asked for some help from our helpers to clean the condo unit and prepare some clothes for Arrisea. Pinapalitan ko na rin siya dahil pawisan na siya sa kakagalaw niya kanina. Ang kulit kasi, sinumbong ng helper na nagpalit sa kanya na marami siyang natamo na pasa sa kanyang hita dahil na siguro sa kakabangga niya sa mga bagay-bagay.

I watch her sleeping soundly. I can't help but miss her. Pero nanaig pa rin sa akin na mas gugustuhin kong mawala siya ngayon habang kaya ko pa ang sakit.

And maybe I should avoid love in this life. It's a distraction, a mere hindrance to what I really want which is control.

Ano na lang ang pinagkaiba ko sa ama ko kung tulad niya ay magiging alipin ako ng pag-ibig? That I would be as shitty as him once I can't control how I feel?

My thoughts got interrupted when one of my groupmates messaged me. Naiwan daw niya ang payong ng mama niya sa condo ko. Babalikan na lang daw niya bukas. I told him to get it as early as possible.

I slept on the couch as respect for Arrisea. Ayoko naman magulat siya na katabi na niya ako. She'll probably overreact tomorrow because she went crazy this night.

Kinabukasan ay mas maaga ako nagising sa kanya, I went to get us some breakfast. Medyo natagalan lang dahil wala akong makitang bukas na resto. Puro fast food lang. A message from my classmate confirmed that he already got his umbrella.

I frowned as I read his message. Pero nandoon si Arrisea? Well, she's probably still asleep.

Bumuntong hininga ako.

I have to face the fact that it wasn't true that I wasn't ready to lose myself. Nang mahulog ako kay Arrisea ay matagal na pala itong nawala dahil napunta na sa kanya. I was all hers.

When I reached my unit. Arrisea thought something happened to her. It makes me wonder why she didn't know anything from that night; para talagang may mali.

I confirmed it when Etienne talked to me after they picked Arrisea up. Agad na bumaling si Etienne sa akin. Seryoso ang mga titig niya.

"Tatiana drugged Arrisea with an aphrodisiac," isiniwalat ni Etienne sa akin. My whole body felt numb. Pakiramdam ko ay binuhusan ako ng semento sa aking buong katawan.

"The last guy who was with Arrisea confessed." Etienne said, darkly. I know he did something bad to guy just to make him confessed something horrible but for someone who had the same morals as Etienne? Para sa kan'ya ay kulay abo ang lahat. Always in between of white and black.

"I'm pretty sure you're aware what that means..."

"She did that for what?!" asik ko kay Etienne. "Para saan?!"

"Love?" sarkastikong ngisi ni Etienne. "I told you, as long as Arrisea and you are together, that Tatiana won't stop plotting against Arri. Hindi pa nakatulong na kakampi niya ang mga magulang mo."

"Fuck! Hindi ba siya pwede ipakulong?!" I frustratedly shouted. She drugged someone! And God knows what could have happen to Arri if I didn't go there sooner!

"And you think your parents won't know that you value Arrisea that much once they bailed Tatiana? Your parents have the money, bobo. At alam mo naman kung gaano sila katatag na sirain ka. Just for the sake of your company."

Etienne was right. I need her to be safe. Ako na ang lulutas ng gusot na ito. I looked at her for the last time, at agad akong nanghina.

Why did I have to taste this kind of love when it's not even for me? Bakit pa sa akin ito pinatikim kung sa dulo ay hindi naman pala talaga para sa akin 'to?

"You'll have to fix this mess first. Tip? I have a folder under the table of your grandpa. When you fixed it already, I'm sure she'll come back to you any way." Etienne shrugged, adjusting his eyeglasses as he swiftly look towards the car.

I shook my head. Baka hindi na. Baka nga, hanggang dito na lang talaga.

Magulo ang pamilya ko. Magulo ang mundo ko. Magulo ako.

She deserves more.

Isn't that how love works? Arrisea made me feel at peace during the nights I can't sleep.

So, let me return the favor.

I want to give the peace that you deserve the most, Arri. Let me walk out of your life so that you can peacefully achieve your dreams. No more madness. No more nonsense. Have it your way.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪☽༓☾❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜