Kabanata 31

My life was messed up. I tried to fix it, saksi ang mundo kung paano ko sinubukan maging matatag at ayusin ito.

Ang nangyari kay Suzette, ang pagkahulog ni Tatiana sa hagdan, break-up namin ni Adren at ngayon naman ay ito. Ano? May hahabol pa ba? Mukhang di pa sapat 'yung sakit na pinaparanas saakin ngayon e.

Hindi na ako nag-atubili pa at hinanap kung nasaan ang damit ko. I look over the sheets and even below the bed, pero wala akong damit na nakita. Napamura ako nang mapansin na wala rito ang mga damit ko.

I know virginity is just an intact hymen — And not even everyone has an intact hymen. Virginity is just a concept — a social construct. It isn't suppose to measure someone's worth. Hindi ito ang basehan ng dignidad ng isang babae. Pero hindi ko lang matanggap na nabigay ko ito sa hindi ko kilala o sa taong walang importansya sa buhay ko.

I know people will judge me as if they know the whole truth. Ilang beses na ba akong natawag na 'pakerengkeng', malandi, pokpok? I've lost count already. Pero hindi ko 'yon pinapansin noon. It's not true. They don't have any basis. Pero ngayon...

It sucks. It really does.

"Hey," the guy called me. Agad akong lumingon sa kanya at umirap, gusto ko siyang sugurin pero nanghihina ako. Nananaig ang galit sa aking sistema.

"Ano?! Ang baboy mo! How dare you take advantage of someone who's drunk—"

"Hoy, kumalma ka nga 'te." Biglang lumambot ang boses niya. "Naiwan ko lang 'yung payong ko rito kaya binalikan ko. This isn't even my condo!"

"A-ano?" natigalgal ako at parang nasemento sa aking kinatatayuan.

"I was just shock to see you. Akala ko kasi break na talaga kayo ni Adren. Who would have thought he even brings you to his own condo? Di ko kayo kinakaya," he snorted, slamming the door shut as he left me with all the questions running through my mind.

Adren? This is Adren's condo unit?

Did something happen between us?

Tiningnan ko ang hita ko, although there were purplish areas on my thighs I don't really feel sore inside. Paano ko ba malalaman?!

The door opened again, revealing a familiar face who had a grim expression as his eyes landed on me.

"Arri," he uttered almost sounding affectionately. Pero hindi pa rin nagbabago ang ekspresyon niya.

"May nangyari ba sa atin?" diretsong tanong ko.

He slowly shook his head.

"If you want to confirm it, we can even have it tested—"

"No, I trust you." Bumuntong hininga ako, remembering what I told his mother about trusting him. "Why do I have bruises on my legs?"

His face hardened because of what I've said.

"Did you take any drink from any stranger last night?" tanong niya, avoiding my question.

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kanya. Do you think I even remember anything from last night? Wala nga akong maalala kundi naging tanga lang ako kagabi. I don't even remember calling you or anything! Kaya bakit ako nandito ngayon?

I shrugged my shoulders, avoiding his darkening gaze.

"I'll call Etienne for you," malamig niyang saad. He fished out his phone from his pocket and dialled a number.

Papanindigan niya ba talaga na maging ganito sa akin? And I couldn't blame him entirely. Pinagmukha ko siyang tanga. I should just accept that this really may be the end for us.

Ilang minuto lang ay hinatid ako ni Adren sa baba ng kanyang condo. Etienne and Gio were waiting for me, halata sa kanilang dalawa ang gulat nang makitang magkasama kaming dalawa. Although, Etienne had his sight set on Adren.

"Arri, gutom ka na 'di ba? Kain muna tayo." Gio gently patted my head. "Libre ko na. Gusto mo ba sa eat-all-you can? Bili na rin tayo ng damit mo..."

Hindi pinapansin ni Gio si Adren, dinaanan niya lang ito na parang hangin. May away ba sa kanilang dalawa? Pero baka binibigyan ko lang ito ng meaning.

I nodded my head as Gio guided me towards the car. I can see from afar that Etienne and Adren were talking. Seryoso silang pareho habang bumubuka ang kanilang mga bibig.

"Arri," Etienne decided to hug me when he was finished talking with Adren. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya pero agad na lumandas ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. "You can cry now, he's gone."

My face was still buried in Etienne's chest while we were walking towards the parking lot. Nang makasakay na kami sa kotse ay tinamaan ako ng antok dahil sa kakaiyak. Mabigat na rin ang mga talukap ng mga mata ko kaya ipinikit ko na ito. Pero hindi ako makatulog. It was hard to sleep with a heavy heart.

"Isn't this rape? It doesn't look like consensual to me and she was drunk - she wasn't in the right state." I heard Gio sighing.

Kanina pa sila tahimik at ngayon lang nagsalita dahil siguro akala nila'y tulog na ako. They're being sensitive with me right now.

Kaya ba hindi pinapansin kanina ni Gio si Adren? Dahil akala nila ay may nangyari sa amin?

"What if she gave her consent?" Etienne asked.

I took a peek at the both of them. Nasa gitna nila ako ngayon.

"She's intoxicated and by definition, a person who's incapacitated by alcohol cannot clearly give their consent." Gio huffed.

"Easy naman, Attorney. Hindi mo ako kalaban." Etienne chuckled.

I heard Gio cursed.

Tumigil si Gio nang mapansin na nakadilat na ako. He was clearly avoiding to talk about it when I'm awake. Ayaw niya siguro na mas maalala ko pa ito. Nag-iwas ng tingin si Gio at dumungaw na lamang sa bintana.

"Nothing happened," sagot ko sa kanila. Gio's gaze softened while Etienne only shifted his gaze.

"Don't worry, hindi man kami okay ngayon. I don't think Adren would do that."

Pakiramdam ko rin kasi, nandidiri sa akin si Adren. Maybe I really was a dirty girl, tulad ng mga sinasabi nila.

Pinilit kong i-pahinga ang mga mata ko at nang idilat ko ito ay nasa parking lot na kami ng mall.

Pumunta kami sa mall upang bumili ng damit. They were even bickering on which store we should go to. Nanalo si Etienne kaya naman siya rin ang namili ng damit ko. It was just a simple short-sleeve dress and a pair of doll shoes. Agad akong nagpalit sa malapit na restroom at inayos ang sarili ko.

Namamaga na ang mga mata ko dahil sa pag-iyak. Naghilamos ako at kinuskos ito nang kinuskos. I could feel the pain on the side of my eyes.

Kumain kami ng lunch sa Vikings, Gio insisted on paying for our meal. Kahit labag sa loob niyang bayaran 'yung kay Etienne dahil mayaman naman daw ito at dapat may discount daw dahil 'bata' pa raw si Etienne.

Pinilit ko ang sarili kong kumain. Wala akong gana pero nakakahiya kay Gio. He really was exerting efforts to divert my attention.

"Ihahatid ka na namin pauwi." Etienne says.

Unti-unti akong tumango. Pinipikit na lamang ang mga mata, baka magising na ako sa masamang panaginip na ito.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Have you ever done something crazy? Something you wouldn't think you'll do? Something you never knew you were capable of?

"Ang bata bata, ang landi na. Maaga mabubuntis 'yan." I heard one of our neighbor's calling me out. Ang tingin nito ay matalim nang ibaba ako sa harap ng bahay namin.

Napapikit ako nang mariin at bumaling ng tingin sa kapitbahay namin. Pagod akong ngumisi.

"Aling Tess! Balita ko binyag na raw ng apo mo, ah? Sa anak mong si Terry? Grabe naman, di ako invited?" I yelled at her, hitting her sour spot. Terry was her favorite child, ang pinagmamalaki niyang anak na siyang aahon daw sa kanila sa hirap.

Hindi siya umimik at umismid pa bago bumalik sa loob ng kanyang bahay.

Sobrang nakakawalang gana. Paulit-ulit na lang ang scenario sa buhay ko. Paulit-ulit na lang nila akong tinatapak-tapakan.

Mukha ba akong semento, ha? Kaya ang dali lang nilang tapak-tapakan pagkatao ko? Daan-daanan ako na parang wala lang? Kahit hindi ko sila pinapansin, ako naman palagi ang napapansin nila.

Kailan ba ako makakatakas sa mapangmatang mundo na ito?

Do I really have to follow their standards? Do I have to compromise? Kailangan ko ba talaga mag-adjust para sa kanila?

Will I be cleansed then? Will they finally accept me for who am I? Kung magpapanggap lang naman ako para sumunod sa sistema nila?

Kinabukasan nang pumasok ako ay pakiramdam ko naging pinya ako bigla, ang dami kasing mata na nakadikit sa akin. The corridors were also filled with whispering. Hindi naman ito bago kung sakali, pero puno na naman ito ng pangalan ko.

"Si Arrisea ba talaga 'yon?"

"I heard she slept with anyone who gives her attention..."

"Ganda nga, wala namang utak. Sayang 'yung mukha niya, puro kalandian pinapairal."

Nanginginig ako habang binabaybay ang daan patungo sa room namin. My gaze shifted towards a person who was showing off her phone. Agad akong natigilan at nanglaki ang mga mata ko.

"Oh sh —" she cursed upon seeing me. Agad na tinago ang kanyang cellphone.

I swallowed hard. Agad na pinagpatuloy ang paglalakad sa room namin. Pagkarating ko roon, ang mga tingin nila'y matatalim din.

"Arri," lumapit sa akin si Suzy. "Don't open your social media accounts."

I heaved a sigh, unti-unting pinikit ang aking mga mata. Kinuha ni Suzy sa aking bag ang phone ko. Concern was written all over her face.

"Arri, we'll get through this. It is just a confession posted to our school's fanpage. Huwag mo na lang tingnan dahil wala naman itong katotohanan," payo sa akin ni Suzy habang malungkot akong tinitigan.

Although, pinilit ko na maging normal ang klase namin sa aking isip. I could still feel their stares plunging through me. Kaya naman nang may pumasok na isang school staff, hindi na sila nagtaka na ako ang puntirya nito.

Pinatawag ako sa opisina ng school administration. I haven't seen any posts about any pictures or videos, pero pakiramdan ko ay tungkol ito rito. I'm sure unlike how they handled Suzy's case, the blame will be put on me.

Palagi naman.

Palagi naman talagang sa babae ang sisi. It's easier to blame it to the girls, I wonder why though? Dahil ba kami lang ang may utak para mag-isip kung ano ang tama at mali?

Palagi kasi na 'yon 'yung dahilan. Girls should know what's right and wrong, as if boys don't know those things.

"Tsk tsk, ang ganda mo pa namang bata ka..." the middle aged woman snickered at me. May suot siyang salamin na may tali sa bandang tenga.

I slouched on the chair. Wala na talaga akong pakialam sa totoo lang. Pagod na pagod na rin ako.

"A concerned student reported to us that you have been doing recording yourself doing immoral —" natigilan ang babaing nang may tumawag sa landline na nasa tabi niya.

"What? There's no video?" nanglalaki ang mga mata niya. "Akala ko ba? What? False alarm?"

Bumalik ang tingin niya sa akin nang ibaba niya ang tawag. She looked apologetic, biglang naging maamo ang mukha.

"Please go back to your classes. Everything is already settled."

"Bakit po ba ako pinatawag?" I asked, blandly.

"Wala —"

"I have the right to know. Sinayang niyo po ang oras ko."

Bumuntong hininga siya.

"Someone reported that you were having scandals and you were working in a club for..." she cleared her throat. "Pero wala namang nakuhang mga ebidensya. Don't worry, we'll make sure that the student who reported you will be questioned about this."

Sa dami ng may galit sa akin, wala akong maisip kung sino sa kanila ang gusto talagang dalhin ang pangalan ko sa putikan.

Umalis na ako nang tuluyang i-dismiss ang reklamo laban sa akin. My whole body was just too tired, or maybe I was just drained both physically and emotionally. Para akong lantang gulay na naglalakad.

"Arri..."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa pamilyar na boses na tumawag sa akin.

I never beg. Ni minsan sa buhay ko ay hindi ako nagmakaawa para sa isang tao. I didn't even begged my Dad to stay. I never understood the concept of begging for something. There were more opportunities, more people and a lot more alternatives - why would you need to beg for it?

Pero ngayon, habang nakatayo ako sa harap niya. I learned it the hard way. If begging means he'll love me again, I'll kneel so hard that my knees would bleed.

Maybe if he's with me again, I'll be back to my strong self? Hinang-hina na kasi talaga ako ngayon...

"Adren..." lumambot ang aking mga tuhod, I looked at him even if my eyes were just too tired.

He sighed, diverting his gaze. "I fixed your papers already, you can transfer to another school."

Nalaglag ang panga ko sa sinabi niya, para akong natuod sa aking pwesto.

"Ano?"

"Kung balak mong mag-college, I already fixed your transfer papers. All you have to do is pick a school you want —"

"Why are you doing this? Do you hate me this much? Ayaw mo na talaga akong makita?" the pain in my voice resonated.

Sobrang dumi ko na ba talaga sa mata mo, Adren? Am I not really worth it anymore?

I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat. Despite of my vision being a blur, I still stood tall infront of him.

"Mahal kita."

It was as if someone opened the faucet in my eyes because the tears started falling down from my eyes.

I looked over his face because I wanted to see my Adren back. The one who offers me genuine smiles, spoils me, and never forgets to remind me that despite of how shitty my life is - I have him and it's all that matters.

Pero wala, e. His eyes were as cold as before and he remained stoic.

Yumuko ako, trembling because I don't know what to do anymore. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko para bumalik siya. I started bending my knees to kneel infront of him.

"Arrisea, what the hell are you trying to do?" he moves backwards.

"Do you I have to b-beg?" I look up to him, tears still falling down my cheeks. "Kasi gagawin ko talaga. If that means I'll have you back."

"Stop that," he harshly pulled me to stand but I wouldn't budge. "Arrisea, what the hell? Ano ba?"

"Mahal na mahal kita. Take me back, please."

People were looking at us. Some were pitying me, some were trying to know what's going but most of the people see me as a laughing stock.

I was known as the girl who rejects every boy, now here I am- begging for a boy to make me his girl again. Bilog nga talaga ang mundo.

I was kneeling infront of him. Hindi inaalintana ang sakit ng mga maliliit na bato na dumidiin sa aking tuhod. The pain already made me feel numb, may mas ikakasakit pa ba?

Tiningnan ko siya, his eyes softened and I thought he will finally see him as his Arrisea again. Pero agad na nawala ang kislap sa kanyang mga mata.

"Stop being desperate." His cold voice was the only voice I could hear despite of the murmurs around us. "Are you so deprived of love that you have to beg?"

Meron pa pala.

To hear the person who made you degrade yourself to this extent call you desperate hurts a lot more. Nanikip ang dibdib ko. It was all hard to accept things for me right now.

I knew I was desperate. I wanted him so bad that I was willing to do this. Hanggang kailan pa? Hanggang saan pa kami aabutin nito?

Is it really worth to fight for something that's already been broken?

My shoulders began to shake, sa napapaos na boses ay pinilit kong magsalit. "Mahal na mahal kita, Adren."

Yumuko ako, a hand ignites hope for me. Tinayo niya ako at agad kong tinignan kung sino ito. The hope in my heart was replaced with sorrow.

It was Etienne.

Adren was just watching.

Etienne bended his legs to reached the level of my knees. Gamit ng isang panyo ay pinagpag niya ang dumi at maliliit na bato na bumaon sa aking mga tuhod.

Matapos ito ay agad din siyang tumayo at bumaling ng tingin kay Adren.

"Final answer na 'yan? Kukunin ko na siya sa'yo." Etienne said, in a nonchalant voice.

"Do whatever you want." Adren replied coldly, nanlalamig ako sa kanyang titig sa akin.

Solstice strides towards us. Lumapit siya kay Adren matapos tapunan ng isang tingin si Etienne.

"O ano? Magmamakaawa ka rin?" Etienne arched an eyebrow as a lazy smile appeared on his face.

Solstice scoffed. "Over my dead body, I would never beg for you."

"I was feeling generous, I would have accept it without thinking twice," Etienne snorted.

Adren only scowled. "Tapos na ba? I have to go."

Yumuko lang ako dahil sa patuloy na pagdaloy ng luha sa aking pisngi.

I could hear their heavy footsteps walking away from us.

"Hey, Arri." Etienne cupped my face as he remove the tears from my cheeks. "Pangit mo umiyak. Di ka pwedeng maging artista."

"Makalait ka lang talaga, ano?"

Etienne smiled. "Kaya huwag ka na umiyak kasi di bagay sa'yo."

I smiled back but I know it didn't reach my eyes. I was tired of it.

Nakakapagod din pala talaga.

Paalis na dapat kami ni Etienne nang mahagip ng mga mata ko ang isang pamilyar na wheelchair. Pero wala itong laman na tao. My eyes flickered, I only knew one person who needs a wheelchair. Pero impossible na makaalis siya rito. She cannot walk. Pero bakit nandito ang wheelchair niya?

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Franny, Camisha and Suzette were busy with their lives. Kinakamusta naman nila ako pero pinipilit kong isantabi ang problema ko. They have their own lives to prioritize and their own problems to solve. Ayoko na dumagdag pa.

Para tuloy akong ewan na umiiyak ngayon sa library. May mga patak na ng luha ang scratch paper na nilalagyan ko ng mga plano namin para sa Entrepreneurship. Badtrip 'yung mga kaklase ko, alam naman nilang heartbroken ako tapos ginawa pa akong leader. Gusto ba nilang puro hugot ang i-sagot ko sa customers namin?

"Ate, here po." May tumabi saakin na babaing maamo ang mukha. She has glasses and she was offering me a pack of tissue.

"Thank you, ha?" I said as I took it from her. Agad ko akong kumuha ng tissue upang punasan ang luha ko.

"I know life is tough, you don't always have to be okay - you just have to be resilient. Maaring malungkot ka ngayon, pero sa susunod ay hindi na." She was scribbling notes while talking to me. "Don't hesitate to cry po, there are studies po that says only humans can cry because of their emotions. So it's okay to cry."

"Maraming salamat, this means a lot to me." I smiled despite of my tears. Bumaling siya ng tingin sa akin at ngumiti nang tipid.

"I hope one day, all of your tears will be worth it."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Philomena." Tumingin siya sa orasan. "Ate, may meeting pa po akong pupuntahan. I hope you'll be okay soon, I really hope the best for you."

Philomena. Isn't she the one that Tatiana is trying to copy? Ang type raw ni Adren? Taga-HUMSS ba siya? I cleared my throat.

"You're so kind. Bakit? Hindi mo naman ako kilala."

She only smiled. "Kindness is free, Ate. As much as possible, I would like to give it freely too."

It was just a small gesture but it made an impact for me.

Life goes on.

Kahit gaano kasakit ang sinapit mo. You have to move forward. Pwede ka magpahinga pero hindi ka pwede sumuko.

Foundation week came, we were busy with our booths. Sa sobrang brokenhearted ko ay puro nga hugot ang theme ng booth namin. Pero mukhang marami namang natutuwa dahil marami kaming benta.

"Ano ito?" I asked in annoyance.

May sinabit kasi sila saakin na 'Free Hugs & Kisses'. Free raw pero kailangan bumili ka muna sa booth namin, ano kaya 'yon?

"Para mapakyaw na kaagad! Jusko, magmula nang maging single ulit status mo 'te marami na nagc-chat saakin tungkol sa'yo. Akala mo biglang may na-lift na ban." Franny said while fixing the sign board.

"As if, may mauuto ka naman." I chuckled, pero laking gulat ko dahil may mga pumila nga.

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo —" Franny was cut off by Suzette.

"Franny, pakitanggal nung signboard kay Arri."

Franny furrowed his eyebrows. "Bakit? Kakalagay ko pa lang!"

Nagkamot ng ulo si Suzette. "May bumili na ng lahat e. Wala na tayong paninda."

Nanglaki ang mga mata ni Franny. "Sino raw?"

Nagkibit balikat si Suzy. "Ewan ko, dinoble nga 'yung tubo natin e. Basta ang sinabi pamigay na lang daw 'yung pagkain tapos tanggalin 'yung signboard kay Arri."

Kumunot naman ang noo ko. Who could it possibly be? Lumingon ako sa paligid ko, I saw Etienne walking with another classmate of his.

Napangiti naman ako. Agad akong lumapit sa kanya kaya naman kumunot ang noo niya nang makita ako.

"Thanks! Sobrang supportive mo sa akin, ah." I told him, flashing him a smile.

"Ha?" he arched an eyebrow. "Pinagsasabi mo? Free hugs and kisses?"

Tinanggal ko kaagad ang signboard. "Di ba binili mo lahat ng paninda namin? Dinoble mo pa nga."

Ilang minuto siyang nanahimik. He rose his brows in amusement. His tongue was touching the side of his cheeks while trying to contemplate something.

He lazily grinned. "Ah, I can't wait to see him beg."

"Hm?" this time, I was the confuse one.

"Wala, galingan mo sa pagtitinda." He patted my head. "I'll see you later."

It was weird but Etienne and I got closer because of what happened. He's weird, rude, and sometimes too frank for his own good. Pero sa kabilang banda, isa siya sa mga taong napagkakatiwalaaan ko kahit may ginawa siya noon saakin. He was a dear friend to me during my darkest nights. I hope I'll also be that kind of friend to him.

Time flies so fast, hindi ko namalayan ay magtatapos na pala ang school year. It was our graduation and I waited for Adren to come out with his toga. Hawak-hawak ko ang pinaghirapang mango graham sa aking mga kamay.

I was trembling because of anticipation and fear of rejection. Sari-saring emosyon na naman ang naramdaman ko.

"Arrisea," pagtawag niya sa akin. Tinanggal niya ang toga cap niya habang papalapit sa akin.

"Congrats!" I smiled at him and handed the mango graham in his hands. "Kahit ito na lang tanggapin mo, kahit huwag na ako."

Even though he looks hesitant, kinuha niya ito sa mga kamay ko.

"I already told you everything- well no. Pero sa tingin ko naman ay narinig mo na ang mga gusto mong marinig." There was a heavy feeling on my chest and it weights like solid rocks.

"I'm so proud of you." Nagsimula na namang tumulo ang mga luha ko. "Sa lahat ng mga pinagdaanan mo, nandito ka pa rin at lumalaban. I... Love you for that and I think I'll always will."

You never really unlove someone. Unlove isn't even a word at all. May mananatili pa rin talagang pag-ibig diyan sa puso mo, kung hindi man pag-ibig ay may puwang na matitira para sa taong noon ay naging mundo mo.

Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang lumandas sa aking pisngi. "I'm sorry because I wasn't able to change your world for the better. Pero sana makahanap ka ng taong maipapakita 'yon. Life is beautiful with the right person, Adren. Please don't deprive yourself with the love that you deserve."

Sa huling pagkakataon ay lumapit ako sa kanya upang halikan siya sa kanyang pisngi. Salty tears were still falling from my eyes.

"For what's it worth, I loved you with everything I've got."

Agad akong tumalikod dahil hindi ko na kakayanin pang makita ang reaksyon niya. Nakakailang hakbang pa lang ako palayo nang tawagin niya ako.

"Arrisea."

I halted from walking.

Pinapakiramdaman ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko. His voice made my heart rapidly racing. Bakit? Bakit pakiramdam ko mahal mo pa rin ako? Why do I kept on holding on even if it's already too late?

"Thank you."

I smiled to myself and didn't respond anymore.

Nagpatuloy na ako sa paglalakad palayo.

That day, I gave up someone but gain myself again.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪☽༓☾❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜