Kabanata 29

Araw-araw kong ginugulo si Etienne na ayusin ang gusot na ginawa niya. Sometimes he'll answer me with sardonic remarks but most of the time, he'll only send me infuriating memes. Ang nakakainis pa ay katabi ko lang naman siya pero mas pipiliin niya pang kausapin ako gamit ng pag-text saakin.

Alam niya kasing wala akong load at hindi ako makakapag-reply. Bwisit.

"Hindi ka ba galit sa akin?" sa kalagitnaan ng pangungulit ko ay bigla siyang nagtanong.

Nasa isang resto kami ngayon na malapit sa school.

Inisip ko kung galit ako sa kanya. It is true that he manipulated me into thinking that this relationship can make Adren suffer, pero sa huli ako pa rin naman ang may kasalanan. Naniwala ako sa kanya. Although, I just need some push from him in order to fix things.

I decided to throw a joke.

"Siguro? I mean, sayang lang 'yung mga panahon na nag-drama ako at nakikinig sa mga pangmalakasang kanta."

Aba, ilang buwan din 'yata na puro lang akong pakikinig sa mga kantahan na pang-senti. Muntikan ko na nga itong i-suggest sa interpretative dance namin sa PE.

Etienne only stared, his grey eyes piercing through me. Sumilay ang isang ngisi sa labi niya.

Nag-pangalumbaba siya. "You've always been a positive thinker; always seeing the good in people to the point of actually just disregarding whatever bad things they've done."

"Masama ba 'yon?" Tumaas ang isang kilay ko.

"Hindi naman," He said, shrugging. "Pero hindi lahat ng tao ay tulad mo. Not everyone has the heart for forgiveness."

My eyebrows furrowed.

"Wala naman akong nakikitang mali kung palaging 'yung mabuti lang ang tinitingnan ko."

Etienne chuckled. "That's the root of being blinded by love. Ang mga tunay na bulag sa pag-ibig ay ang mga taong hindi kayang tanggapin na hindi perpekto ang kanilang minamahal. Palagi na lang nilang pinipilit tingnan ang mabuti at nagbubulag-bulagan pagdating sa maling ginawa ng mahal nila."

Umiling ako sa kanya.

"I accept Adren's flaws."

His stare was unwavering. "Do you?"

"Yes —"

He cut me off.

"Really? You don't know him that well..."

"Mahal naman ako no'n? Kapag mahal mo, madali lang ang magpatawad."

"Not in their household..." he shrugged his shoulders. "Adren isn't someone who can forgive easily."

"Alam ko naman na may kasalanan ako at gusto ko lang malaman niya na pinagsisisihan ko 'yon."

"Then I'll let you meet someone."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Sino?"

He licked his lower lip before smirking. "The person who gave him a reason not to forgive in the first place."

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Etienne and I went to another restaurant. Mas magarbo ito sa unang restaurant na pinanggalingan namin. The gigantic chandelier in the middle of the restaurant tells me that this is exclusively for those who can afford to buy a full course meal in expensive hotels.

"Here," Etienne pulled the chair for me. Umupo naman ako matapos niya 'yon gawin.

Umupo rin siya sa upuan sa tabi ko at nagsimulang magkalikot ng kanyang cellphone. Ilang minuto lang ay may babaing pumunta sa direksyon namin. She looks extravagant, all dressed in black and her accessories are made of pearls. She sat in the chair infront of me.

She removed her huge sunglasses. Nang tanggalin niya ito ay mas nadepina ko ang kanyang mukha. High cheek bones, sultry eyes and plump lips. She was also staring at me with the same level of curiosity.

"Hello," a familliar smile appeared on her face. "You must be Arrisea?"

"Ah, opo!" I nodded my head.

"My name is Anais." She extended her hand. Ang mga daliri niya ay parang kandila, it was flawless to look at.

Agad ko naman itong tinanggap. Binawi niya rin ang kamay niya matapos ko itong tanggapin.

"So, what did you call me for?" bumaling siya ng tingin kay Etienne.

"May kasalanan ako sa anak mo." Halakhak ni Etienne, he didn't even sound remorseful.

"Anak?" Kumunot ang noo ni Anais at biglang umawang ang bibig nang may mapagtantuan. "Oh, I almost forgot about that kid."

Ako naman ay nanglalaki ang mga mata. Hindi nabanggit ni Etienne na nanay pala 'to ni Adren! Kaya naman pala pamilyar ang kanyang ngiti at kilos.

Lumunok muna ako bago nagpatuloy. "Uh, ano po kasi may ginawa po kaming mali kay Adonis."

"Same." She chuckled. Natawa rin si Etienne. Ako lang 'yata ang hindi nakaintindi kung bakit.

I chewed my buttom lip. "Gusto ko po sana humingi ng paumanhin din kasi nasaktan ko po 'yung anak niyo."

Her hand flew to her mouth, she was supressing her laughter. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan, tinatawanan niya ba ako dahil pobre ako? Ganito ba 'tong mayayaman na 'to?

"Etienne, are you serious that this is his girl?" Ni-head to foot ako nung Mama ni Adren. "She's a bit naivè, if you'll ask me."

Kumunot naman ang noo ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing ang sinabi niya ukol sa akin. I was just being polite.

"Did Adonis cry?" she asked.

I nodded my head slowly.

She sighed. "The last time he cried was when his sister died."

"Po? Patay na po ang bunso niyang kapatid?"

"Hm? Oh? Nasundan pa pala si Solstice?" She laughs, tauntingly. "I mean the first Solstice died. Didn't Adonis tell you?"

Naguguluhan akong lumingon kay Etienne. He only smiled lazily at me.

"She doesn't know anything at all." Etienne answered in my behalf.

"Poor you, tapos balak mo maging isa sa mga Reverio? Baka mabaliw ka rin tulad ni Dayanara, ha?" Adren's Mom sounded concern but her face tells otherwise. She was smiling at me, the way Adren does when we first met.

"Excuse me po, nandito lang po talaga ako para humingi ng tulong na humingi ng tawad kay Adren." Nahihirapan akong tumingin sa kanyang mga mata. She was just too intense to look at.

Of course, that was a lie. Oo, gusto ko at kaya ko naman siguro humingi ng tawad kay Adren nang hindi kumukunsulta sa Mama niya. Pero dala na lang siguro ng kuryusidad ay nagawa kong patulan na kilalanin siya.

"I don't think I'm the right person for that. Frankly speaking, we have cut ties way before the both of you happened."

Tumikhim ako at mas lumapit sa kan'ya.

"Pero siguro naman po ay alam niyo kung paano ako o kami mapapatawad ni Adonis?"

A waitress offered her champagne and she gladly reached for a glass.

"That's certainly unlikely. I don't think that kid would forgive easily," Sumimsim pa siya sa champagne glass bago magpatuloy. "I made sure he won't be sway with it before I left him."

"Ano pong ibig niyong sabihin?" Naguguluhan kong tanong.

"I didn't want a kid, Arrisea. Hell, I didn't even want to get married. I wanted to travel the world and live my life to the fullest," she said. "Sadly, this society does not approve of a woman choosing not to procreate because in their eyes it's a woman's duty to bear a child."

Nararamdaman ko ang galit na tinatago niya dahil sa higpit ng hawak niya sa kanyang champagne glass. Her grip only loosen when she gave a long sigh.

"I tried to love him, Arri. The same cannot be said to his father but I really wanted to at least gave it a try when it comes to Adonis. Wala naman siyang kasalanan, he was also a victim."

Her breathing hitched. "But at the same time, I wanted to be free. I didn't want to be a mother in the first place, would you condemn me for wanting to live my life the way I want it to be?"

"I don't know a lot about being a mother but I knew as a mother, I was the first one who introduced him to this world." A ghost of smile appeared on her lips."So, I wanted to be the first one to destroy his expectations, to make him taste how bitter life is, to know that no one in this world can really love someone who wasn't even conceived because of love."

Napaawang ang labi ko sa mga narinig ko sa kanya. Nanay ba talaga siya? Siguro ay nabulag ako sa ideyang kapag ina mo ito ay awtomatikong siya ang unang taong nagmahal sa'yo mula nang isinilang ka. She was right, she was not fit to be a mother.

"Adren deserves to be love," giit ko.

Mas lalong lumalim ang kanyang mga mata. I can see how much she hated this topic. The mere mention of Adren's name is already making her uncomfortable.

"If he does, then why did you leave him too? Wasn't his family too problematic?" She retorted.

Lumingon ako kay Etienne, silently asking for help to answer it. He was just minding his own business by playing on his phone. This jerk, really!

Bumalik ang atensyon ko sa Mama ni Adren. "I left him for his own good. Para sa kanya—"

"You left him because you do not trust him." She countered back, kalmado ngunit may diin.

Natigilan ako at biglang nanghina sa sinabi niya. Her words were cruel but it made me doubt my own decision. Tama nga naman siya, kung may kompyansa lamang ako kay Adren ay hindi ko sana nilinlang ang sarili ko na pakinggan si Etienne.

"Kung ako sa'yo, habang maaga pa ay lalayo na ako sa mga Reverio. They're twisted and any normal person would go insane in that household. Etienne's a better choice, at least the Soteiros won't mistreat you." Bumaling siya ng tingin kay Etienne at humalakhak.

Etienne lift his head and lazily grinned at me."My family won't screw you but I would."

Ngumiwi ako. Etienne was way too twisted for my taste. Sa totoo lang, nagiiba na talaga ang tingin ko sa mga mayayaman dahil sa kanila.

"Bakit ganyan ka sa anak mo po?" I can't help but asked. "All he ever wanted was to be loved."

Nakita ko ang panginginig ng kanyang kamay. She didn't look like someone with grace anymore. Tiningnan niya ako sa mga mata, I saw how scared she was. Pinilit niya ang sarili niyang ngumiti. The contempt on her smile makes my skin crawl.

"Adren reminds me of the things I've done to gain this freedom. I needed to show them I wasn't fit to be his mother. I wanted to free from the Reverios..."

"Alam niyo po ba, pwede niyo naman pong makuha ang freedom na hinahangad niyo nang hindi sinasakripisyo ang kasiyahan ng anak niyo?"

Umiling-iling siya sa'kin. Sumimsim muli sa kanyang champagne bago bumuntong hininga.

"A woman had to sacrifice a lot of things when they give birth to another human being, Arrisea. I'm a selfish person and I didn't want those responsibilities. That's my choice. Pero anong ginawa nila? They force me to—"

"They did. Hindi si Adren," matigas kong usal. "Kaya kung magagalit ka man, bakit sa anak mo? Anong ginawa sa'yo ni Adren para pagkaitan mo siya ng pagmamahal?"

"Wala kang alam," malamig niyang utas. "The mere fact that he exists is already making me feel disgusted."

Unti-unting lumandas ang mga luha sa mata ko. I rarely cried but the overflowing emotion on my heart cannot be tamed. All those years Adren had to suffer.

I gave him a taste of love.

Pero pinagkait ko sa kanyang makuha ito nang tuluyan.

What makes me different from these monsters?

"You can be an independent woman without hurting your son, you know?" huling pahayag ko sa kanya.

Iniwas lamang niya ang kanyang tingin bago siya umalis nang padarag. She made a scene. Etienne looked at me while playing with the table napkin.

"You can't blame Adren if he doesn't trust you anymore." Etienne says. Lumingon ako sa kanya. "He was raised in a household where trusting is never easy."

"Why didn't she pay for her crimes? She emotionally abused him..."

"The Reverios will do everything to keep their reputation as clean as it can be. Sa tingin mo ba, papayag silang malaman ng karamihan ang baho nila?" aniya.

I wiped my tears away. Pinahid ko ito hanggang sa mamula na ang gilid ng aking mga mata.

"I'll make him trust me again."

Akala ko ay hindi talaga ako tutulungan ni Etienne. But he's oddly cooperative. Maybe he really just wanted to do things in his own way, pero hindi ito gumana. Traydor kasi ang puso ko.

Alam ko naman ang tama, pero bakit pinipili ko ang mali?

This could have ended if only I can let him go. Tapos na kami. Ako mismo ang nagtapos sa aming dalawa. Pero bakit ako nangungulila?

In the end, I was left with no choice but to fix this damn mess myself.

Nang makahanap ako ng araw kung saan pwede kong kausapin si Adren ay sakto namang nakita ko siya sa student lounge. My heart was palpitating loudly that I could feel it on my own pulse. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kanya pero nakita ko siyang may kausap.

It was a girl.

"Parang ewan e! So, game ka ah? See you sa Saturday!" The girl giggled and Adren smiled at her.

"Whatever you want, Cait."

I looked at the girl he called Cait. This girl oddly looks like Zafirah. No'ng una ay akala ko nga si Zafi ito, pero mas demure kumilos ang babaing ito at walang katarayan ang kanyang mukha.

Napukaw ko 'yata ang atensyon nila dahil agad silang lumingon sa akin nang tumagal ang pagtitig ko kay Cait. I sauntered my way to them.

"Uh, hi?" medyo awkward na bati ko sa kanila. I was expecting Adren to ignore me or probably throw a fit. Pero ngumiti lang siya sa akin.

"Hello, Arrisea. It's been a while." Adren smiled.

This only made it feel more awkward. Pero pinilit ko ang sarili ko na maging kalmante upang makausap siya nang maayos.

"Oh, so you're Arrisea? Nice to meet you. I'm Caitlyn, but you can call me Cait." The girl beside him extended her hand. Tinanggap ko naman ito, we shake hands and after that I took my hand back.

"Can we talk? Adren?" seryosong saad ko.

Tiningnan niya lamang ako. Indifference painted all over his face.

He nodded his head. "Sure but aren't we talking now?"

I nibbled my lower lip and look at Caitlyn. Agad naman na tumango si Caitlyn at nilingon si Adren.

"Baka, she means privately? Aalis na lang ako." Caitlyn took a hint and was about to go when Adren hold her hand.

Pinigilan ko ang paninibugho sa aking puso. Break na kami, sa ngayon. Wala akong pinanghahawakan — pero lintik na kamay 'yan sarap putulin!

I close my eyes before letting out a breath. She's good and she's helping me. This doesn't feel right.

"It's not necessary to leave besides we should talk about our outing." Bumaling si Adren kay Cait.

Mukhang hindi siya interesado sa gusto kong sabihin. Nanlamig ako at bumagsak ang aking mga braso dahil doon.

Cait was eyeing me sideward. "We can talk about it later, Adren."

"Fine," Adren sighed. "Call me before you go home, alright?"

"Clingy ha?" Cait laughed. "Opo! I'll be going now."

Habang palayo nang palayo si Cait ay lalong gumagapang ang kaba sa puso ko. We're now alone together. Ako na puno ng kaba at siya naman na halos kasing lamig ng antarctica.

Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga bago magsalita.

"Adren, I'm sorry." Panimula ko. "It was a misunderstanding. Akala ko ay mababawasan ang problema mo kung maghihiwalay tayo. Ayoko lang kasi na dumagdag pa sa mga magiging problema mo —"

He cut me off. "Okay, that's it? You're forgiven, don't dwell on it too much."

Ano?

Ganun na 'yon?

Tears pooled under my eyelids, pakiramdam ko ay sinampal ako ng katotohanan. It's easy to say sorry but it's hard to be forgiven. Totoo nga ito dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi naman totoong pinapatawad na niya ako.

"You're lying." I spat out. "Hindi mo pa ako pinapatawad."

There's a mocking look on his face. Ang mala-anghel niyang mukha ay halos walang pinapakitang emosyon sa akin kundi ang pagiging iritable niya. Did I really look like an eyesore to him?

My heart sank.

"I already did. Wala na sa akin 'yon. Ano pa bang gusto mo?" He said, shrugging.

I could feel my entire system trembling down. Para itong pinasabugan dahil unti-unti na itong gumigiba. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na tingnan siya kahit alam kong maaaring masaktan lang ako sa makikita ko.

I just wanted to make sure this was the same Adren who loved me before.

"Paano mo nasasabi 'yan?"

"Because it's the truth?" he arched an eyebrow.

No. Imposible.

Bakit ang bilis naman 'yata? Ako nga ay hanggang ngayon siya pa rin ang napapaginipan. Ang umiiyak niyang mukha na nagsusumamo sa akin. Hindi ako makatulog dahil sa eksenang 'yon na paulit-ulit pinapakita sa akin tuwing gabi.

"Totoo ba talaga?"

I badly want him to say it's not. His onyx eyes only reflected me, not even a glint of any emotion is shown.

He smiled, a sinister thing to do knowing I was hurting in front of him. "Arrisea, I really learned a lot from you. I hope you'll be able to move on. Let's say you use me to get closer to Etienne, and I'll just say I used you to know how love works. I think that's already fair?"

Para akong pinatamaan sa kidlat. Kulang pa 'yata ang sakit ng sinabi niya dahil dinugtungan niya pa ito.

Sa napapaos kong boses, sinubukan ko siyang tanungin.

"P-paano naman ako?"

In my last attempt, I just wanted to see if he still cares even just a bit for me. Kahit gaano 'yon katiting ay panghahawakan ko.

For a fleeting moment, his eyes showed how hurt he was but it immediately shifted into his usual blank stare.

He smiled once again. "Hindi ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? Babae ka lang, kaya kitang mapalitan."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪☽༓☾❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜