TWO WEEKS LATER, MONDAY

KELSEA'S POV

i woke up on a typical hospital day, well this day wasn't so typical, i was getting evaluated to possibly go home today. i'm hoping. i've actually done fairly well, that first week was horrible and absolutely terrifying, but now... now i've met so many people here, my nurses are great actually, i have nurse lindsay the most, she's been very helpful and the one i can talk to the most.

i've also gained a few friends, at times i feel broken here, it's awful, but i think i'll pass evaluation today, i really hope so. maybe i can go back to school, or maybe i can go stay with lydia and logan for awhile, whatever i'll figure it out. my therapist and nurse lindsay say it's bad to think about the future, it worsens my mental state, in their words by the way.

i sat up in my bed, looking around the empty room, my bag on the floor and a few clothes and some shoes, i only wear slides in here though. i looked to my side and tomkins was next to me, i got up out of bed, noticing i had on my grey sweatpants and white cropped tank, as i reached into my bag i pulled out a grey hoodie. throwing it on over my head and pulling my arms into it, i pulled the hood over my head and put on my socks, underneath my sweatpants, and slid on my black nike slides.

then i walked out of my room, looking down the hall, i saw marissa at the front desk, i walked over to her.

she just stared at me for a minute before saying, "kelsea. what can i do for you?"

"i umm— can i make a call?" i asked her hesitantly.

"alight, five minutes." she said to me as she grabbed an ipad, typing in the passcode and going to the phone, "and who are you contacting?"

i thought for a moment. i'll call lauren. "lauren. lauren carter." was all i said to her and she did some other things on the ipad before handing it to me.

"you can take a seat, i'll let you know when the five minutes is up."

i just nodded and sat down, looking around me as another girl walked up to marissa. i looked down at the ipad and starting calling lauren.

she answered fairly quickly, "kelsea! hey!" lauren said, as she set her phone down on her bed, "i'm just getting ready for school, what's going on?"

"hey, i just woke up, i'm getting evaluated today, possibly will get to go home today." i told her, not really feeling any emotion.

"that's great!" she said as i watched her go to her closet, "should i wear a flannel today?"

"yeah that's cute," i said, "the new meds i'm on are kinda making me feel.... i don't know, emotionless again."

lauren walked back over to her phone, looking at me as she said, "maybe tell them that."

i shrugged, "how's chase? i haven't been able to call him lately, i've been calling you and corbyn all week, my therapist said it's best to limit myself to two people."

"he's good, he misses you too but he wants the best for you." lauren said, i couldn't see what she was doing and i could only see her ceiling now.

"i miss you both," i said, looking up at marissa talking to that girl, "i should probably go, i'm hungry and i wanna get my evaluation done."

lauren grabbed her phone, she was dressed now, she had on her flannel shirt and two gold necklaces, "okay kels i love you, you'll do great."

i nodded and smiled a soft smile at lauren, "i'll call you later."

i hung up and turned off the ipad, taking in a breath of air as i stood up and placed the ipad on the desk in front of marissa, the other girl was talking with her still so i just walked off.

as i made my way to the cafeteria, i grabbed a plate and a fork and grabbed a fruit cup, i also stabbed my fork into a pancake and put it onto my plate. i drizzled syrup across my pancake, and then i placed my plate down on a table next to this girl i met, amaya. she had dark hair, and light melanin skin, her hair was pulled into a bun. i hurried back to the food station, filling up a cup of milk and went back to the table. i sat down next to her, "hey, how'd you sleep?"

she looked at me and smiled, "i slept good actually, and you?" she asked as she stabbed a piece of her pancake with her fork and ate it, she chewed quietly with her mouth shut.

i nodded, "yeah i slept good." i smiled and cut my pancake with my fork and took a bite, sipping my milk after, "the pancakes are the only good meal here." i added.

amaya chuckled a bit, "damn right."

i laughed a bit, and continued eating my pancake, i watched everyone at the other tables, talking, i also saw a girl sitting alone, she had her hoodie over her head as well.

i pulled my hood off my head, taking a sip of milk, "is she new?" i asked amaya, as i vaguely pointed at the girl.

amaya nodded. amaya had been here for two months. she was struggling, she didn't tell me everything but, she has a lot going on with her family.

i watched the new girl, i hesitantly wanted to go over to her, invite her to sit with us maybe, but i also knew what it felt like here at the beginning.

i decided i would go up to her, so i stood up and walked slowly over to her. i sat down in the seat next to her as she looked at me, she had black dripping down her face from her mascara she had to have been crying. possibly all morning.

"hi, i'm kelsea." i blurred out quickly. the girl just looked at me, she looked horrified. "would you maybe wanna sit with me and this other girl, amaya? you don't have to talk; you can just listen." i said smiling a little bit, nervously playing with my hands.

the girl watched me, her dark hair covering her eyes a bit as she pushed her hair out of her face, she nodded. "okay." was all she said as she stood up, hiding her face and i noticed her feel her pockets as if she was looking for something and hoping it was still there.

i got up from the table as well and lead her to amaya, i sat down at my seat again, and pat the seat next to me for her to sit. she did as followed and began eating her food slowly.

amaya looked at the girl, "hi, i'm amaya. what's your name?"  she asked.

the girl looked at amaya, her eyes looked heavy. "my name's genevieve, i actually go by g though. just g." she said to us and started picking at her food with her fork.

"cool, nice to meet you g." amaya said smiling a little as she ate her pancake.

i continued eating mine and smiling to myself because i had invited genevieve to sit with us,  the kelsea two weeks ago would never have done this.

as we all finished our food, nurse lindsay came into the cafeteria right as i was about to get up and throw away my plate.

everyone looked at nurse lindsay as she walked in. i watched as she just started making herself a plate of food, then she set her plate down at the nurses table up near the front of the room. she stayed standing before speaking up, "finish up eating and we will have group therapy then we will start up a movie in the movie room and we will pull you out separately at a time for your therapy and evaluations. any questions you can ask us." lindsay smiled as she stopped talking and sat next to the other two nurses that were on the clock.

i just looked down at my plate and grabbed it and stood up and walked over to the garbage, throwing it away, along with my fruit cup and cup that had a tiny bit of milk left in it.

i looked around and then pulled my hood over my head as i left the cafeteria and walked down the hallway, and to my room.

i sat down on the floor against my bed, grabbing tomkins and my blanket. pulling my suitcase towards me, i looked through it, grabbing a coloring book and colored pencils. opening up to a random page i started to color, waiting for them to get me for group therapy.

after awhile of me just coloring in my room, one of the other nurses knocked on my already open door. i looked up at her and asked her, "are we starting?"

she nodded and said to me, "yes let's go," her hand on the door, she waited for me to get up.

as i got up and i threw my blanket and tomkins back onto my bed. placing my coloring pencils and coloring book back into my suitcase, i actually decided to bring tomkins with me so i grabbed him. holding him close to me as my arms were crossed, the hood of my hoodie still over my head.

i began following the nurse to the movie/common room, i saw amaya so i went and sat next to her on the floor. still holding tomkins close to me.

then amaya looked at me and said, "kelsea. you have to tell me where you live because if you pass evaluation today i better see you again. we better hang out."

i nodded to her and smiled, "of course, i live in berekley hills, and where do you?" i said as i looked at her waiting for her answer.

she perked up a little before saying, "aaah!! i'm in colonial heritage. we have to hang out seriously."

"yesss, we will for sure, and i'll give you my number and everything." i added and smiled at her as i held onto tomkins tightly.

"i love your stuffed animal it's so cute." she said to me with a smile on her face.

during group therapy today, we did some exercises and learned a few coping mechanisms, we wrote down things that can cause anxiety in our daily lives, to recognize them. we did two activities as well. i even got a king sized kit kat. i love kit kat's, by far my favorite candy bar.

finally, we got to movie time. well, evaluation time. i'm so nervous though. what if i fail? what if i'm not ready to leave? what if i'm gonna be here forever?

shhh kelsea, it's gonna be fine. don't worry about it. i looked to my right and jumped a bit as i saw corbyn next to me, he whispered to me, he was sitting criss cross apple sauce as he leaned over to my ear, "kelsea.... you will never get better. you're so broken." i watched as he laughed, and i just stared at him, "no! no i'm not!" i shouted out loudly and looked at corbyn.

"kelsea? what's going on?" nurse lindsay spoke up and started walking towards me, i looked at her and then looked back at corbyn, but he was now gone. i closed my eyes and tried to shake my head and the thoughts out of my head, opening my eyes i said, "i'm fine."

lindsay nodded, "you're up next kelsea." she said and smiled a little, as she held out her hand for me to help me up.

i looked at her and grabbed her hand and stood up, holding tomkins with me as we walked out into the hallway, lindsay looked at me and said , "are you sure you're alright?

i looked at her, "i'm fine." i said before walking faster down the hallway, and entering the room. i took a seat on the chair , about two to three feet from the computer. i watched as lindsay sat down at the computer, as she starting typing away.

nurse lindsay looked at me, before speaking up, "so kelsea what has been the most effective and helpful thing to you while being here?"

i looked at her and thought for a moment, "well i guess it would be group therapy, being around everyone kinda does help me."

we continue on with questions for thirty minutes and i take the written assessment. lindsay is in the room while i am taking it as i drop my pencil down and i'm finished as i say "done!" with a small smile on my face. i cant wait to get out of here.

lindsay looks at me and nods and takes the test from me. she begins to look over it and then looks up at me. "alright i will go over this, and we will plan out everything tonight. find a good way to start getting you ready to go home and to school, maybe not right away when you go home you will go to school but we'll see how you feel."

i just listened to her and nodded and got up and left the room. i wanted to be alone so i just went to my room instead of back to the movie room.

i set tomkins down on my bed. as i sat down on the floor, my back leaning against the metal bed frame. finally, i looked through my suitcase, grabbing out my notebook. i felt like writing today so i jotted down some notes for some short stories or just story ideas. i came up with a horror concept and started making up characters. just for fun, not like i'll even start it. who knows.

i kept writing as i then decided to put my notebook back and grabbed a coloring book, and my colored pencils.

as i colored for what felt like forever. nurse lindsay knocked on my already open door. i looked up at her and set down my coloring book.

"hi kelsea. how you feeling?" she asked me and i watched as she took a deep breath of air.

"i'm fine." i said nodding.

she smiled a bit. "alright so i talked with your doctor. he thinks you're ready to go home as well. so i called your mom and she will be picking you up tomorrow morning. we will be going over some things that will help you get back into your regular life, you will want to make changes slowly."

i nodded trying to take in everything that was being said.

"alright. dinner in the cafeteria is in 15 minutes. then it's time for hygiene and then all bathrooms will be locked by 8." she added as she then walked away.

i watched as she left and i looked at the walls around me. it's so empty in here. i'm so ready to leave. i got up and made my way to the front desk again, playing with the strings on my hoodie as i looked at the counter lady. she was on the phone so i just pointed at the ipad on the desk.

she looked up at me and nodded and handed the ipad to me.

i went over to the seats and sat down. logging in and calling corbyn.

he answered immediately. "kelsea! hey!" he smiled looking happy to see me.

i smiled at the thought of that. at least someone was happy to see me. "hii, guess what."

he looked down at his phone and i could tell he was on the tour bus. "what's up??"

"i get to go home tomorrow." i smiled a small smile.

"what really? that's great!" he said smiling at me. "i'm so proud of you kels."

i just nodded.

then corbyn said again, "tonight is our last show of tour. we go back to LA tomorrow too. maybe i should come to virginia instead."

i nodded. "yeah you should." i said to him, i don't really know if i wanted that or not.

"i'll talk to mom, see you soon kels, i love you" he said and smiled at me and held up a peace sign.

"bye love you too." i said and hung up and i just sent a quick text to mom,

to; mom
from; unknown number
hi mom it's kelsea tomorrow i get to go home

then i decided to call lauren. hoping i wouldn't run out of call time and the desk lady would yell at me. the one tonight looked mean.

lauren picked up on the second ring. "hey kels!"

"lauren hey i love u, tomorrow i get to leave" i said excitedly.

"woah yay really??" she said and she was in her bedroom because i could see her dresser in the background.

i nodded. "yep! i'm kinda nervous but excited. how is everything for you? school and all that?"

"it's good yeah. i'm gonna try out for track with emily this week."

"really? why?" i asked her, confused.

she shrugged. "we want to get toned and also it looks good on college apps, and emily's cheer coach said it's good for cheer off-season. i might even try out for cheer next year. ya know cause i used to cheer in middle school than i stopped in 7th grade. i miss it. i'm thinking about going for a cheer full-ride and cheering in college." she seemed excited about it.

"oh seems like your life is great, and you have the most popular girl as your best friend. sounds nice." i said and smiled a fake smile.

lauren ignored me and just kept going on about cheer and track tryouts and cheer drama. i felt bothered by it so i just said i have to go and hung up.

everyone is happy without me.

i bet school is better without me there.

this is horrible.

i feel like shit.

i don't really want to go back to school.

a bunch of thoughts were scrambling through my head as i put the ipad back on the desk and walked back to my room. i sat there staring at the ceiling for who knows how long. when a nurse knocked on my door, already open as per usual.

"dinner." the nurse called out. i didn't look up to see who it was i just waited for her to leave and then i got up and walked to the cafeteria.

i grabbed a tray, which was already filled with the main course. which was spaghetti tonight. i grabbed a fruit cup and an orange juice.

i went to sit next to amaya, setting down my tray on the table as i sat next to her. "hi." i said.

amaya looked at me. "how'd it go?"

"good, good. yeah. good." i said hesitantly and opened my fruit cup.

"are you sure? you seem worried. it's okay to be worried. we all are worried in here every single day. if it helps, use mantras." amaya said to me. she was very smart. smarter than me.

"what's a mantra?" i asked her and stabbed my fork into a grape and ate it.

"words or phrases of affirmation. it helps me. i say things that will help me want to go for my dreams or my true calling." she said smiling as i watched her eating her spaghetti.

i nodded slowly. "hmm okay."

"usually i go for something simple or even if i feel really awful i'll go for something stronger," she added. "like; "you are not drowning." or "you deserve emotional honestly, even if it's not the answer you were looking for." those are probably the most helpful ones i use."

i nodded and ate a few more pieces of fruit. as i began to say it in my head.

i am not drowning.

i can do anything.

you deserve emotional honestly, even if it's not the answer you were looking for.

AN: DT: jadeamoon  cherrymatter JJJiangx -ADORINGHERRON