Song: I don't want to be sad forever- Nightcore

After group therapy everyone walks to the Commons Area. There is a big screen against the wall and chairs are out in the open here and there. I was shocked that Sarah said that I could go tonight. I sit beside Zoey and Zayden. I could see them as a couple, but they're not. I know she is dating someone else and has been for a good year now. She has mentioned him a few times in the therapy sessions and believe me she is madly in love so there is no hope for her and Zayden to ever be together. I think I just want to see him with someone so then I will know that he is off limits.

We are all watching the movie. I try to pay attention but I'm just really not into it. A part of me would rather be back in the room all alone. I watch as Zayden gets up to go across the room. He is gone for a little while and when he comes back over to sit with us he has popcorn.

"I got us some popcorn...can't watch a movie without popcorn," he grins.

"Thanks." I dig in and grab a handful popping a few into my mouth. And he is right, it is actually really good. I can't remember the last time that I actually ate popcorn. The butter is amazingly smooth and leaves a thin layer on the roof of my mouth.

Halfway through I get up.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm tired...I'm going to bed." I tell him with a yawn.

"But the movie is not even over yet...you're going to miss the best part," he starts to protest.

I shrug. "It will be fine...I'll see you guys tomorrow alright."

Zoey looks over at me. "Did you get cleared to go outside yet?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "I asked...she said she would see. If anything Clara will be with me."

"She's still watching over you...so sorry for you. Well maybe she will let you. See you tomorrow."

Marie walks me back to my room. She waits for me to get ready and then she places the little pill on my tongue and hands me a small cup of water. I let it rest for a few minutes on my tongue. Marie stares me down, waiting on me to swallow.

'Don't take that shit.'

'You know it's slowly getting rid of us.'

'Do you really think a pill will get rid of me?'

'Why do you do everything you're told?'

'Because I want to get out of here...Duh...'

I swallow the pill then open my mouth to show her that I swallowed it...yes it's gone. The pills make me a little sleepy. For the first fifteen minutes after taking it I climb into bed. They go on and on like they do every night. I wish they would just shut up. When I do drift off to sleep...I sleep all night for once.

I get approved to go outside as long as Clara is with me. She's actually watching several of us. She is not the only one of course; there are several other nurses and assistants outside watching over everyone. Even outside it feels like a prison but I don't let it bother me too much because hey I'm outside.

The wind blows lightly against my skin and plays in my hair, the scent of lavender is in the air coming from the flowers along the walk way. The sun beams down on me and it feels amazing. Funny how you can miss something so little...something that everyone takes for granted every day. Before coming here I would have never thought about the way the air smelled, the flowers smelled, the way the wind feels against my skin. Before I took all of this for granted.

I take my shoes off and walk in the grass, letting the blades tickle between my toes. I haven't done that in years and I feel like I am six all over again. I wish Carter was here with me. He always had my hand back then, making sure that I was ok. Then as the years went by it was like we started to grow farther apart but I know it was more me than him. I didn't want him to see who and what I was becoming.

Zoey runs up to me hugging me so hard that we both tumble over and lay in the thick grass. "She let you out!" She screams excitedly.

I look over at Clara. "But she has to watch me...so it's not like I can do much."

"No big deal...come on we are playing volleyball." She quickly stands up and pulls me up to stand beside her.

I walk wither over to where the net is set up on the sand...sand. The moment my feet hit the sand I wish I was at the beach. I bet they already went without me. My parents...Carter...I can see them on vacay without me. I bet they are having so much fun. My parents' take us places every so often throughout the year and right about this time we would be laying out in the sun getting a nice golden tan. I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I'm not paying attention to the ball and it smacks me right in the face. I hear someone yelling out, "Sorry about that!!!"

Zayden walks over towards me. "Dude watch what you're doing." He yells back at the other guy.

"She should have been looking it's not my fault," he yells back.

"Hey are you ok?" He reaches out to touch my arm.

"Yeah...don't think volleyball is my thing." I laugh as I hold my cheek even though it kinda still hurts.

"Come on let's go for a walk then." He motions for me to walk beside him.

We walk side by side, Clara follows behind us...she is not close enough to hear us talking thank goodness. My hand wants to reach out and hold his but I force it to stay by my side. Cora is dying to get closer to him.

He nudges me while glancing behind us. "Is she going to follow you everywhere you go?"

I roll my eyes and nudge him back. "Looks like it...sorry."

"No big deal...they had someone watching me all the time too."

"It's kind of annoying don't you think?"

"I know right...maybe you won't need a sitter by next weekend."

I laugh, "Wouldn't that be nice."

He looks at the ground and then up to the sky as if to try to find something to talk about. "So how long do you think you will stay here?"

I shrug. "I have no clue...you?"

"Hoping to get back out of here soon." He has this half smile on his face. 

"Oh...where are you going?"

"Home. I live in Fairbanks with my mom. However I plan on getting my own place."

"Where is your dad?" I ask because really I don't know what else to ask.

"I don't know...she left him when I was a kid."

I feel bad that his dad just left them. I really don't know what to say about that so I ask, "Do you have any brothers or sisters back home?"

"I have two sisters...well half sisters, my mom got remarried a few years ago. I don't like him though and he doesn't really like me either. My sisters are little brats and it's like it's all about them. "

I don't say anything.

"What about you...parents...brothers...sisters?"

"At the moment I live here." I attempt to smile gesturing my arms to the building behind me but then I get serious because the way he looks back at me. "Both. I live with both of them they have been together like forever...I have one brother, Carter."

"Bet you can't wait to get back home uh?"

I play with my fingers, fidgeting. "I don't know...I mean I miss seeing them but it's all going to be different when I go back."

"Why because everything that happened?"

I nod my head and look down at my hands. "They just know too much...I know they won't think of me like they use too." I can feel my eyes tear up and I start to bat my eyes to keep the tears at bay.

"Yeah...my first time going back home was hard. My mom stayed on top of me...smothering the shit out of me. I couldn't do it anymore so I started using again."

The way he says it reminds me of all the other guys that I have been around. I'm not sure I can ever go back to that again. "Do you think you will again if you get out?"

"I hope not...but I can't make any promises...it's hard."

I slowly nod my head in understanding. "Yeah...what I would do for a little something right now." I raise an eyebrow at him.

He stops playing with the stick in his hand and looks at me. "You don't look like the girl that would do that shit."

I smirk while wrinkling up my nose. "Well then...you don't really know me do you."

"Guess not."

I'm not sure why I felt like he would understand anything but then something inside of me wanted to talk to him. "I was hooked on Molly...then started using other stuff...like cocaine, special K...just whatever I could get my hands on."

He looks over at me with a priceless expression. "Wow...I would never have thought that."

"Yeah well you would do just about anything to make the pain go away."

"I understand...I started using because I felt like no one wanted me. I mean my dad was a loser that's why she left him. When she got remarried it was like I got put on the back burner. The guy is a jerk. Anyway most of my friends were doing it so I started doing it and one thing lead to another. Why did you start?"

Everything in me goes still. I can't talk about that, not now, not with him. If I tell him he will pity me or not see the real me. Shit I don't even know the real me. "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Ok...I'm not going to push it...but I will say the sooner you get it all out the faster you will start to get better and get the hell out of this place."

I slowly shake my head no. I don't want him to see who I really am inside. "I'm sorry...I'm just not ready." I stand up to leave as I fight hard not to let the tears escape.

"Where are you going?"

My bottom lip starts to quiver. "I don't know...I just can't talk about this." I turn to walk away.

"Coralie..." He calls after me, but I just keep on walking. I can't let him see the tears that are now falling, rolling so fast down my cheeks and I can't seem to get away fast enough from him.