I glance up at the cloudy white sky that hides the sun sneakily, forming a blanket of snow across it that couldn't be more convenient. It begins to rumble as the darker clouds become visible and tiny drops of rain fall onto my face. 

It wasn't my extremely bad date last night that makes me do this, I've been trying to find the courage to do it for a while. I clutch the flowers tight in my arms as I pause beside her grave, and I can't even bring myself to look at it. My body trembles, my hands shake, my legs give way and I fall down to my knees at the top of her coffin plant. 

I place the flowers across the bottom of the stone and I take a deep breath. I finally turn and my eyes blur as I read over her name. "I want you to know. . ." I scrunch my mouth together. "It's hard. It's hard to let you go. I've tried. I've tried to get rid of the pain for seven years, but it's never gone away. And it never will. Seven years, Lil," I rub my eyes. "Seven years you've been gone. Seven years I've spent still in love with you and I don't. . . I don't know how to deal with that. We had our entire future planned, we made a pact to grow old together and visit the Queen, who is dead now by the way. Sorry. We had everything figured out. We had. . . we had our whole lives in front of us. I've been holding on to that for so long now that I'm living in denial. Who am I kidding? There's no one like you out there and I don't want to find her. I just want to be free from this."

I hold the top of her grave, looking up at the cloudy skies as more rain falls. "It's raining," I say. "Your favorite weather. You weirdo," I wipe my eyes. "I think you know what I'm trying to say, you're probably egging me on to spit it out. I need to move on. I need. . . I need to let you go. I need to love again, Lil. I can't visit anymore. I can't talk to you anymore. Rosie or Davina will bring the kids, but I can't do this. I'm so sorry," I collapse my head onto her grave. "You gave me the best twelve years of my life and I'll always cherish that. But, this is goodbye."

I get to my feet, composing my face that stings from tears. I look down at her grave and my heart breaks all over again. 

I have to do this. I have to walk away. 

Just, walk. 

I start walking, turning my head to look down the hill.

Keep walking. Don't stop.

Every step I take feels like I'm placing my bare foot into shards of broken glass. The rain picks up and it drenches me head-to-toe, but I don't care. 

I walk through the rain and a memory of her dancing in it before kissing me at the edge of a canal tries to get into my head, but I shake it. I control it. I've never done that before, but I'm learning. It's taken me seven years, but now I'm learning.

I'll never forget completely. They're memories for a reason. It's just now they're soft little reminders like the blow of the breeze and not hardcore, agonizing torture. 

I've spent too much time wrapped in that torture, letting it rot me from the inside out, not anymore.

I take out my phone and I scroll through the contacts until my finger lingers on Ebony's name. I don't know if this will work, I don't know what the hell could be an improvement from last night, but part of me now wants to try.

So I press dial.