Me: I feel like a project.
God:You are a project.
Me:You think I'm broken too?
God: Of course! That's part of being human!  I don't think of you as anything that needs to fixed by anyone, or someone who needs another flawed human to hold your hand in order to hold your heart where it is. THAT is where my relationship with you comes in. People will constantly hurt your heart whether you know it or not. That is when you pray for others that are going through the same pain as you. This is why I made empathy, so that my beautiful creation knew the way that other people feel! You are all connected. You all feel. This is why you need to help people through and show them the light through your actions! Especially When you are not able to feel me physically, that is when you can can dive into the spiritual side of being a Christian reflect me in everything! This is One of the Mannybeautiful thing about being one with me and having a community we were in this together and nobody's alone! You all have the same struggles.
But there is one constant. No matter what time it is, no matter what year it is, no matter what you  have done I will be there to carry you through as long as you want me too!
Me: I guess it's just difficult for me to even want community when the people I'm supposed to be loving are so awful to the people I really do love how do I handle that
God This Is about your chair isn't it?
Me: You know that answer.
God: I do, but I will always ask.
Me: How do I fix it ?
God: You can't fix it. That's the point! Remember your not alone in situations like these! You need to cling to your relationship with me more than you ever have! Keep running into the light you have been trying and you are doing a great job, but you have these kinds of troubles that block you from truly finding your way to THE WAY. You can feel the the truth in these words but feel just as weighed down as you did before because you are listening but not acting because you don't know how to start.  I'm not going to bring this big grand guidance all the time I know you can do this but you keep asking for a sign but you're forgetting my guidance is in the little things. Rest in my presence and you will be able to overcome anything.
Me: I know and I'm so grateful. I wish I could just be a normal kid. I feel like people are judging me for my flaws all the things I can't help.
God: Darling, what flaws? I made those! Every single one of them!
Me:Why?
God: Well I think I could explain it best this way. I'm going to tell you a story: A water-bearer in India had two large pots, both hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot always arrived half full. The poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water-bearer one day by the stream:'I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologise to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts.'The bearer said to the pot, 'Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
I made all of your so called flaws in order to show people that beauty comes from hardship. You are my example of what true beauty and faith looks like.
Don't validate yourself by other people. They have the same problems the same doubts as you do. It is not healthy to feel valuable just when they pay attention to you, because then it won't be friendship or love anymore. It will be trying to please people even if that means changing yourself. Don't change who you are it will only lead to scars.
Look to me for validation no one else they don't see you for who you are but I do.
Me: How?
Now, I know You know that answer.....
Jesus: because I died for you
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Our greatest hardships bring out our greatest beauty perseverance in life shows how much we trust our God no matter what you're going through you are going to be OK I faced death many many times from surgeries to suicidal thoughts I have had many showdowns with darkness and ultimately it was God that got me through if anyone who reads this needs anything send me your prayer request and I'll be praying for you because I know what it's like to struggle but I really feel like somebody needs this right now just remember our God is above every other thing in this world and no matter what we're going through he has our back ❤️❤️
Wattpad was a season  that I needed to step away from in order to find my relationship with God again. When we start doing any type of ministry it's so easy to get stuck in being with God just for the sake of helping our ministry no matter what it is. (I would consider this one) it's for this reason that I haven't and  am not probably going to be updating as much because I'm in school but I will do what God calls me to do. I also think I'm gonna start a YouTube channel The messages that God has been putting on my heart.  It's all for the glory! Take the offerings that you have an use them! I feel like for so long I've been trying to wait for this big moment to having to be like this is when I need to start Sharing the message that God is put on me. but as I am pursuing God more, I just realize I need to start now! I need to do all these things now, and if there is that calling on your heart to start proclaiming things for God's kingdom now go with it! It's above anything as long as you put God first everything is going to be fine and God is gracious when you need to step away in order to find who you are without him to grow stronger with him again. He is a gracious God and if any of you are distanced from him please DM me and if you don't want it in me on here you can DM me on Instagram @christanwholovesfandoms and we can talk through anything you want.  Just know that it might take me a while to reply because I am in college, but I feel like this is a new step to what God is calling me to do the humblest offerings are the greatest, and I know you guys are greater than you could ever possibly imagine! The Lord is good no matter what you're going through! At least remember that he loves you because his life is greater than any significant other, than any family member, anything that you could possibly have and I love you and he loves you more than anything! and I know that you were worth dying for! If I didn't have God in my life I couldn't love anyone because I would still hate myself. If you are struggling with self loathing start pursuing. Even if you just are doing it as your favorite show is playing in the background it's not an ideal way, but it will at least start to plant seeds in your heart again. You do not need to feel like you need to be right before approaching God. If we needed to be good without God before we went to God, we wouldn't have a need for God! He knows were messed up he just wants us to feel fulfillment. Joy will come as we take refuge in him.