There's a lot going through my head so I am just going to vent it out right here. Sorry if it sounds like gibberish and doesn't really make sense. 

- I want my future to seem brighter than it looks like. I know that you never know what the future has in store for you, but the fixed idea I have for it right now is not what I want. Something in me tells me that I am meant to be more than what I am told to be. 

- To be a total Olivia Rodrigo Stan, "Is all I want too much to ask?". I mean to other people it seems normal to want, to need, this things in life, but to me it seems like I am asking to much. Why does the happiness matter when the stability is secured? 

- Do the walls that you surround around your heart ever break? It seems like the ones that I have built a sturdy wall but it seems to have a lot of cracks in it. I have compassion for a lot of other people but it my wall tends to keep them out too. 

- When is it okay to stop trying? I seem to keep trying and trying but at the end of the day it seems futile.

- When do you stop caring? It seems like my whole life I have constantly worried about the care I have but it is endlessly tested; so when I do stop allowing myself to stop caring. Does it stop the hurt or makes it even deeper. 

- I love being outside. The air is so fresh and crisp. The sun is so warm. I actually like seeing different people but it still gets me worked up. Like I like the idea of hanging out with a person but when I do I suddenly dislike it. I don't know, it's complicated. 

- At night I tend to go down the rabbit hole of 'What happens if this all fails? What do I do?'. I try thinking of a backup plan, but it breaks my heart when I do. It's like I have to, if we are being realistic, but at the same time it is like I am letting go of the one part of myself who likes the see the bright side of things. 

- I am tired of being a people pleaser, but at the end of the day that is what I thrive on. We all do. 

-  Is it considered strength to continue on? Is it strength or cowardice? 

- It is foolish or childish to love what you do while being realistic? I was approached this a couple days ago and been thinking about it recently. It is hard to think about it. 

I think that's all. Thanks for listening.