A year ago, I learned why people skip school. Before that, I thought they were just irresponsible, trying to get attention or seem cool. Now, I know better than that. Of course, there are probably some people who skip school for mentioned reasons. But I'd like to think otherwise.

A year ago, I started skipping school. Not because I was irresponsible. Nor was I trying to get attention or make people think I was cool. I was skipping for bigger reasons; reasons that I might not be able to put in words. 

Half a year ago, I was diagnosed with depression. Ha, depression, right? Everyone has depression. Everyone feels like you do, some days. People always say that, or think, at least. I used to do that too. Thinking that depression is just sadness, something that went away if you got a hug and ate some chocolate. God, I was stupid. Because I'm not sad, not more than anyone else, at least. I am depressed, and that is way different.

I found a picture of two different brains. One had depression, and the other one didn't. I don't know what the two pictures mean, but they look different, so that has to count for something, right? Also, I found a list on Pinterest with reasons to stay alive. None of them worked.

1. Recovery - I don't have the strength to recover.

2. Meeting new friends - I don't need friends.

3. Laughing - Laughing is overrated.

4. Improving yourself - Who needs improvement?

5. Kissing - No one wants to kiss me.

6. Accepting yourself - I don't want to.

7. Surviving - I don't care about that.

My doctor said that if you have been feeling depressed (negative, anxious, tired, angry, pointless, just fucking rotting inside) for two weeks straight, then you are indeed depressed. It drains the life out of you, leaving nothing but a big anxiety cloud and a box filled with emptiness.

Two months ago I stopped skipping school. Instead, I just quit entirely. Living in a small town, people started talking; saying I was weak. Saying that I was stupid for not thinking about my future. That is wrong because I am thinking about my future. But it is not a happy one because, in my future, I am dead. And am I weak for thinking that? Hell yes. 

I am weak and I am stupid and horrible and worthless and sad and awful and boring and selfish and rotten. And it doesn't matter if my dad or my doctor thinks otherwise. Becuase the others, they are right.

A year ago, I learned why people skip school. And now I know why people skip lives, as well.