Lucy stood in front of the meatloaf she prepared for dinner, her thoughts on the secret journal tucked safely away in its hidden compartment of her new desk.

Jake would be out of the shower soon. She wanted him to enjoy the dinner she made but she couldn't stop thinking about Dillon's brother and his murderer.

It couldn't be a coincidence.

"What's that delicious scent?" Jake asked, wrapping his arms around her waist. She could smell his shampoo.

Lucy forced her dark thoughts back and focused on her boyfriend. "It's meatloaf and I didn't burn it. Aren't you proud of me?"

Jake kissed the side of her neck. "I think the delicious scent is you but the meatloaf smells pretty tasty too."

She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'm glad you're home. I missed you."

He pulled her in close and kissed the tip of her nose. "I bet I missed you more."

Lucy hoped that was true. At times, she felt like her feelings were stronger than Jake's and that worried her. Would he leave her once he learned the truth about her-- that she was broken? What else could she be after everything she went through as a teen? Depending on alcohol to numb her pain shouldn't have been a surprise.

"Good," she said with a smile. "If you missed me more, then you'll come home sooner."

Jake chuckled. "So, what did you do while I was gone? Catch me up."
He pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear.

For a second, she wondered if she should tell him about the journal.

"I found a diary of a murderer. To prove to myself it was real, I broke into a junkyard and found a dead body."

No, she couldn't tell him that. He'd ask why she hadn't shared the journal with the police, wouldn't he? Then, he'd know something was wrong with her because what type of person keeps that kind of information hidden?

Lucy couldn't explain it to herself much less another person.

Instead of telling him the truth, she kept her answer simple. "Nothing much on my end. I went to a meeting with Donna. I tried cooking some new dishes but they burnt."

"At least you tried," Jake said softly. "We could eat pizza every day and I'd be okay."

"So would I but my hips wouldn't like it," Lucy admitted. "That reminds me, I went to Mario's with Dillon."

The hands on her back tensed. Jake's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"I should've mentioned it earlier but he called me in a panic. I thought he might relapse."

Jake looked at the meatloaf on the stove. "Is he okay?"

"I think so."

He exhaled slowly. "Lucy, if Dillon almost had a relapse, why didn't he call his sponsor? Why did he call you?"

"I asked him that. He said his sponsor was out of town," she explained.

"He couldn't call Donna? Didn't you say they dated?" Jake asked, removing his arms from around her.

Lucy frowned at the loss of his embrace. "I think they did, yes. I suggested it to him but he didn't want me to call her."

His hands were on his hips and his eyes were focused on the floor.

"Should I not have helped him? Jake, he's my friend."

"I know he is and I respect that but you don't see whats wrong in this situation?"

Lucy stared at him with a blank expression.

"What if he did relapse?" Jake asked. "What would you have done?"

"Wha--"

"Would you have been able to walk away?" Jake asked. "You're still new to sobriety. I don't--"

He exhaled before cursing under his breath. He looked up at her with pleading eyes. "I love you, Lucy. I don't want to see you hurt again. What if you ended up relapsing with him? It could've been a dangerous situation. Don't you see that?"

"Okay, I can see what you're saying but I've been doing fine, Jake. Besides, Dillon didn't relapse. We went to Mario's, ate some pizza, and I watched him ride the bumper cars."

His shoulders jerked back. "You took him to our place and watched him on the bumper cars? Isn't that our thing?"

"You sound mad," Lucy said, confused. "Why are you mad?"

Jake bit back a scoff. "Are you seriously asking me that? You went on a date with another man behind my back."

His statement sent a tingle of dread down her back. "Of course not. Dillon's my friend."

"That's what he wants you to think. Men like him are just biding their time, Lucy. He's playing the long game. The minute you and I fight, he'll be right there trying to get you into bed."

Lucy gasped. "Jake, that's not true. He really needed my help. His brother died and it was his death anniversary. He's just my friend. Why are you so mad?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?"

Lucy nodded.

"Fine. I'll tell you. It upsets me that my girlfriend is going on a date with her another man while I'm out of town."

"For the millionth time, it wasn't a date!"

"Wasn't it?"

"Of course not," Lucy protested.

"Ok...let's take a look at it, shall we? Did you eat together?"

Lucy shrugged. "We had some pizza."

"Ok, what about doing something fun. Did you do something fun together?"

"Yes, I told you that. Am I not allowed to have friends?"

Jake shook his head. "Forget it. Do what you want."

He turned and left the kitchen. Lucy's brow furrowed in worry. Had she been in the wrong?

Jake had no right to accuse her of cheating on him with Dillon. That's what he was essentially doing, wasn't it? She followed him to their bedroom.

His voice stopped her.

"Yeah, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand what I'm talking about. I can't figure out how her mind works. Does that make sense? I want to shout 'What are you thinking?' to her."

Lucy's breath hitched as she wondered, "Is he talking about me?"

She waited in the hall so he couldn't see her. Who was he talking to?

"I don't know. No way. I trust her but I worry she's going to slip and do something she shouldn't."

She heard him sigh and say, "I don't know. I don't know if I could forgive her if she really messed up. That's what scares me. I don't want to lose her so I don't want it to get to that point."

Lucy pressed her back against the wall and stifled a sob. She closed her eyes and took a steadying breath. Did Jake want to break up with her?

She wiped the tears starting to form and fled the hall outside to catch her breath. She stood at the pool,  staring at her reflection in the water. She took off her shoes and sat down by the water's edge, letting her feet soak in the cool water.

The water always helped her relax.

A few minutes later, she heard Jake step outside. "Lucy, what are you doing out here?"

She shrugged in response.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Where were you?" she asked.

"In our room. I just needed a moment to think things through."

"Who were you talking to?"

He looked surprised. "Talking to?"

"On the phone. I thought I heard you talking to someone," Lucy answered.

"You heard me?"

She thought about telling the truth but that would require bravery.

"Not what you were saying. I just heard a bit of your voice. Who were you talking to?"

"No one you know. Don't worry about it."

"What were you talking about?" she asked.

"Nothing important," he said.

Sadness filled her chest. Their relationship could be dismissed as "nothing important?"

"Listen Luce," Jake said with hesitation.

She frowned at his nickname for her.

"I'm sorry about going overboard back there. I know Dillon is just a friend. I know that. Still, I get upset knowing you're spending so much time with another man when I'm not around."

"I don't see Dillon like that at all," Lucy said quietly.

"That doesn't mean he doesn't see you like that," Jake said, his voice rising. He took a moment to calm down and continued, "If I were him, I'd be trying all sorts of ways to be getting in your pants. You're perfect for me, Lucy."

Lucy gave a weak smile. Perfect? More like perfectly broken.

"Are you mad at me for being jealous?" Jake asked, nudging her shoulder with his.

Lucy hesitated before giving a slight shake of her head. She wasn't really upset with him for acting jealous.

She was upset because he didn't trust her. First in her sobriety and now in her friendship with Dillon. She also didn't understand why he wouldn't tell her who he was talking to.

Her mind began to jump to all sorts of conclusions. Was he talking to another woman who convinced him that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible? What if that other woman was prettier than her? Or wasn't broken like her?

Lucy swirled her feet in the water to control her thoughts, concentrating on the ripples in the water that her movement was creating. Could it be Jake was projecting? Was he cheating on her?

"Lucy is everything alright?" Jake asked.

"Yeah. It's fine. I'm just tired."

An hour later, Lucy found herself sitting in front of the green journal. Before Jake had come home she  told herself that she'd stop reading it. She initially wanted to tell Jake all about it. Now, she knew she couldn't.

He would question her ability to make decisions even more than he already did. They just had a fight and despite his apology, an awkward tension lingered in the air. What if the journal was the straw that broke the camel's back when it came to bad decisions? Would he finally leave her?

Jake's words to his anonymous friend replayed in her mind.

"I can't figure out how her mind works. I want to shout 'What are you thinking?' to her."

With trembling fingers, Lucy opened the journal and read the next entry.

10/15

Salutations my dear friend. Today I am somewhat perplexed by the beast within me. I think perhaps I am tainting him with my weaknesses. He attacked a young couple in the park tonight.

If I'm being honest, loneliness gnaws at me. The beast must feel it too. I do believe he purposely chose the couple out of jealousy. After all, solitude is a harsh punishment.

My only companions are the beast and you my dear friend. I fear no one else will understand me. I am surrounded by smiling faces every day and it saddens me. They will never understand me. They will never know the real me. Any relationships I have are built on a foundation of lies as delicate as cotton candy in a thunderstorm.

I must find a way to cope as the necesaary walls between me and everyone else are the only way to keep the peace. If not, they might recognize me as a monster.

Yours until death, O

Lucy's finger hovered over the word monster. She wondered if Jake would think her a monster if he knew about the journal.

"No, it has to stay a secret," she whispered as she closed the journal. She smoothed her hand over the cover before carefully placing it back in its hiding spot.

She couldn't tell Jake. Perhaps O had a point. Some walls were necessary for peace. She didn't miss the irony of their situation. By hiding her broken nature, the walls were meant to keep people close but they still left her with a feeling of loneliness.

Despite everything, Lucy began to feel a bit of sympathy toward O.