I lock the door of my flat trying to juggle my handbag which for some reason always seems to weigh a tonne, my travel mug of coffee and my gym bag. After finally getting it locked and surprisingly not spilling the coffee over myself , I walk down the stairs and outside to get to my car. I bought my car after I got my license back having it removed on medical grounds so I had splurged celebrating a little, financing a car I always loved but wouldn't spend money on in the past, a sleek grey BMW. It's not top of the range or brand new but the fact I had a car that worked and could get me where I needed to be was a big deal, the extra little bit of luxury of having heated seats spoiled me from day one.
The clock on the dashboard told me it was already 7am and because of the traffic in the city I know I need to get a move on. I took my current job as a sales associate in free people three years back, and have been working there on and off since. It's only a 10 minute drive but in Seattle the commute could be far longer with traffic from others going to work and just the usual busy streets. I start my shift at 7.30 and the store opens at 8. so I put the car in drive and join the rest of the early morning traffic. Sipping the coffee I had made to bring with me when the traffic slows or stops.
My manager is already in when I unlock the staff door at the side of the shop to let myself in and get ready before we open.
I love Natalie she is 32, and has 2 gorgeous little girls whom she adores her husband is some big shot lawyer in inner part of Seattle but they have been happily married for 4 years now. Her smile when she sees me has me pasting my face with one to give back.
"Good morning Grace, how was your weekend?" Natalie asks as I take my coat off hanging it up in the staff room. I turn to look at her and laugh " Natalie you know exactly how I spent my weekend, in bed having a movie marathon" I can't help but feel embarrassed about my lack of social activities and being such a recluse but at home I didn't feel as exposed, she doesn't know about any of my personal stuff on a deep level and that's how I like it.
She's laughs back " what movie box set are you onto this time? I still think you should watch that movie that I saw with Kevin a few weeks ago. The one with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston in it" she points out. Kevin her husband loves his comedy movies and Adam Sandler.
"The hunger games this week but I'm getting bored how many arrows does katnis really need to shoot? Seems like a waste!" I open my locker door answering her
Natalie looks at me as I put my handbag into the locker and then cram the gym bag in too. I have planned to go after work, I signed up a month and a half ago and I feel lazy for not being dedicated enough to go every day. I try my best to go when I can. She eyes the gym bag, I don't actually think I've heard her talk about going to a gym not that she needs it. Lucky for some that little voice in my head chimes in
I close my locker door and stand she has a look on her face as if she's analysing me.

Then her lips move and her gentle tone starts to reach my ears "Grace are you going back to the gym? Please don't think I'm being intrusive or rude but I thought that you were done with all that stuff, I just don't want to see you having a repeat of the last time" she means well and I know why she's asking. When I first started working in free people I was on the floor working with customers and the sizes some of those girls bought was a massive wake up call that I was out of shape, I wasn't as small as them and it ignited an old feeling within me that carried on, I started working out more, went on a juice cleanse ( which was gross) and googled a good diet for weight loss and found intermittent fasting. I lost the weight but Natalie had expressed concern about me then saying she felt I "took it a little too far" and that she didn't understand why I went on such a health kick anyway as I was in amazing shape. That conversation was no match for the one in my head

If you don't get that weight you gained off those customers are never going to stop laughing about you when they leave. They will look at you and just see rolls, those thighs that wouldn't fit in a pair of skinny jeans and the face doesn't help either. Loose the weight and I'll feel better coming in and working. They will all be jealous

I straighten up a little and face her putting on my most sincere smile I can muster "Natalie I am back at the gym but I'm doing the strength training and yoga classes which the instructor calls "calming of the mind classes" it's not the same programs I would have done before and I'm so much better and fitter than back then!"
Natalie's eyes search mine as if she's trying to dig to find the lies, but she won't I have become pretty good at twisting the truth and it seems to stick. "Girl, I don't know how you do it, with in here full time, studying and everything... " she sighs throwing her hands up "hell I can't get my before baby body back and I'm always on my feet running around like someone who has had far too much caffeine, you sure though? Stop going if it's too much Grace you're doing well" her smile at the end doesn't soften the blow I feel at those last words. For some reason the words you look great, you look well or any comment about how I look stirs a vile feeling in me. The desperation to be more than just doing well I want to be doing fanfuckingtastic and the few pounds I have yet to shed will get me there.
Natalie is nervous I'll overdo it again, the last time she called me over and asked if I was ok because she noticed I'd been loosing weight and wasn't myself. I felt offended and had snapped back that I was fine just trying a new fitness routine takes time to adjust to, turned around to exit the conversation swiftly and then the dark spots had appeared and before I could move from her sight my world went black.

Authors note- thank you to anyone who has messaged me in private or conversation boards. I hope I can do this story justice for you all in a way but if you feel I don't address certain topics well enough your feedback is also important.
I also want to share some of my true non fiction story and I will at some point of this book