“Hello?” Paul’s voice came through the line all gruff and groggy.

I glanced at my clock on the nightstand and cringed.  2:48 am  “It’s me.  Did I wake you up, baby?” I drawled and wondered if he could tell I was drunk.

“Hey.”

“I miss you,” I blurted.

He paused and then sounding a little more awake, he asked, “Are you okay?”

I hummed and nodded, even though he can’t see me.  “Oh yeah...I feel really good.”

“Rachel?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Have you been drinking tonight?” he sounded amused and not at all angry.

“Nooo...well yeah.  Me and Kira may have bought some tequila and we may have tried out the new blender, but that’s all.”

“So you’re drinking margaritas?”

“No not anymore,” I giggled.  “They’re all gone.”

“It’s a little early for our Sunday phone call, isn’t it?”

“Maybe...but I couldn’t wait.”  I laid the receiver down and started stripping out of my clothes.  “Too hot,” I grumbled when I got back on the line.

“Where’d you go?” he mused.

“Tequila makes me hot.  I just...had to get out of those clothes.”

I heard his breathing speed up.  “Are you naked?”

My chest tightened and I started to tingle.  “Nope...I got my panties on.”

He hummed and I heard him lick his lips.  “That’s good, Rach.  Real good,” he sighed.

“I could take them off,” I offered boldly, my words slurring a bit.

“Leave ‘em on,” he whispered, his voice low and gravelly.

“Do you want me?”

“Oh yeah...so bad.”

I smiled as I let the phone cradle on my shoulder and ran my hands over my body.  “I wish you were here to touch me.  You always make me feel so good.”

“Oh yeah?”  He paused and heard the hitch in my breath.  “Tell me what you’re doing,” he begged.

I whimpered and breathed,  “Touching myself, my breasts, pinching ...Oh God, my nipples.”

He cursed under his breath.  “Does that hurt?”

“Yeah...because they’re so...hard.”

Paul hummed.  “Like the day I licked them?” he asked, forcing me to squeeze my thighs together.

“Paul?” I breathed.

“Yeah?”

“Tell me what you’re doing.”

He laughed.  “I’m...being good.”

“Why?” I asked breathlessly.  “I like it when you’re bad,” I moaned as my fingers dipped into my panties.

His breathing sped up and I imagined him wrapping his fingers around his arousal.  “Rachel…are you wet for me?”

I threw my head back against the pillow as I slid one finger into my heat and groaned.  “I’m so wet...my fingers are drowning,”

“How many fingers?”

“One?  Should I...add another?” I held my breath and waited for his response.

He paused and sighed, “Yes...one more.  And tell me how it feels,” he ordered aggressively and I got even more turned on, if that’s possible. 

I slid another finger in and moaned quietly.  “Tell me,” he demanded.  “Tell me how wet you are.”

“My panties are soaked.” I pressed the heel of my hand against my clit and rocked my hips.  “I wanna come, Paul, and I want you to come with me,” I gasped, no longer able to keep my breathing normal.

“I’m right there with you.  I’m so hard for you.”

I smiled as I neared my climax, no longer able to form a coherent thought.  My fingers frantically plunged in and out as my hand created an amazing friction.  I listened to Paul's breathing and the way he whispered to me, coaxing me to the brink and right over the edge.  I cried out his name over and over and he did the same.  I pictured his face and wished I could kiss his lips and feel him inside me.  The thought of not being with him suddenly had me feeling strangled.  The need to touch him now was overwhelming and frustrating.  Overcome with emotions, I began to cry softly.

“Rachel?” his voice was soft and understanding.  I didn’t deserve him.

“I gotta go,” I lied.

“Please don’t cry, Rachel,” he pleaded.

I sniffled and breathed, “I’ll call you later.  Bye.”  I ended the call and let my tears flow.  What have I done?

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

The next day I woke up with the hangover from hell and a metric ton of regret.  It was after 11 before I could drag my ass out of bed.  I found Kira in the kitchen, cleaning and singing happily. Bitch.  Ok, I was kidding but damn, no hangover?

“Coffee?”

I nodded with a frown as she handed me a mug.  She poured and I motioned for more.  “Fill ‘er up,” I joked.

“So...obviously tequila is not your friend.”

Ugh.  “No it’s not, Kira.  I called Paul,” I admitted.

“And?” she asked, not at all surprised.

I covered my face with my hands and admitted, “We had phone sex.”

“It didn’t end well?”

I uncovered my eyes and frowned, “Yes and no.  The phone sex was amazing.  What wasn’t amazing was me crying at the end and then basically hanging up on him.”

She gave me a sad smile and nodded.  “I figured something happened. He’s called three times already.”

When she handed me the phone, I stared at it for a moment.  I remember everything with clarity, which is alarming, considering how much we drank.  I bet he thought I regretted the phone sex.  I didn’t, but I knew I was hurting him.  He deserved to have the real thing, and I couldn’t do that right now.

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

I’ve avoided calling Paul for most of the day.  I even hid out at the library for a few hours.  But I knew I couldn't keep this up forever.  I grabbed the cordless phone from the charger and went into my room to make the call.

“Hello?” he answered, sounding worried and anxious.

“Hi, it’s me.”

He let out a deep breath and replied, “How are you feeling?”

“Embarrassed, hungover, worried, just take your pick.”

“Hungover is understandable.  I’ve never known you to be much of a drinker,” he replied, his tone even and flat.

Nervously I twisted a lock of my hair between my fingers.  “Yeah.  Kira and I have decided that we should steer clear of tequila.”

“That would probably be good.”

“So...you won’t be getting any more late night calls?  That’s why you don’t want me to drink?”

“I’m not gonna tell you what to do, Rachel.  You’re a big girl.”  There was no emotion to his voice.  I wasn't even sure if he was mad or what.

“I’m sorry for last night,” I blurted.  I ached for his mood to change.

“What are you sorry for?  The phone sex?  Is that why you’re embarrassed?” he asked, his voice tinged with anger.

“No.  I’m not sorry for that,” I replied defensively.  “I enjoyed it actually and I thought you did too.”

He sighed, his voice a little lower now.  “It was...good, no scratch that.  It was hot.”

I started to tingle a little at his response.  “I’m sorry that I cried afterwards. I’m sure you thought I was crying because I regretted it, but that’s not what happened.”

“Then tell me what really happened.”

I hesitated for a moment, knowing once I say this, I can’t take it back.  “I didn’t call you just to get off.  I wanted more than that.  I wanted you to hold me and I wanted to kiss you and I wanted to feel your body against mine.  Phone sex isn’t a substitute for that.”

“I know that,” he admitted quietly.

“And I’m worried because making a call like that really crossed the line.  It’s not fair to you.  I want you to have more than this.  We should both have more than this...this long distance thing.  It’s not fair to you, Paul.”

I heard him growl into the phone.  “That’s what you want to tell me?  More of this martyr bullshit?  I’m so tired of you pulling me in and then pushing me away!”

I fought the tears.  “I just want you to be happy.  Even if it’s not with me.  I love you enough to let you go, Paul.”

I listened to his breathing and waited for his response.  I hated that I couldn’t see his face.

“Fuck you, Rachel.”

“What?”

“Are you serious with this shit?  I mean for real?  You love me, but you don’t wanna be with me?” his voice was rising.

“We’ve discussed this, Paul.  I’m not asking you to put your life on hold anymore.”

“You discussed it.  I don’t want you let me go, Rachel.  Dammit!  Why do you keep doing this?”

I raked my fingers through my hair in frustration.  “What do you want then?”

“Do you really have to ask me that?”

“I guess I do.”

“I want you, Rachel!  I only want you,” he pleaded desperately.

My heart clenched in fear.  This wasn’t what I was expecting from him.  Then I told him something I’ve been avoiding for days now.  “I won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving next week.”

Silence.  The line went dead. 

~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~

When I told my father I had to work over Thanksgiving break, he didn’t take it much better.  And of course, he wanted to know if I was staying away because of Paul. 

“Dad…”

“Rachel…”

“I miss Paul.  And I miss you and Jacob.  I would love to come home, but I have to work.  I’ll try for Christmas...but I can’t make any guarantees.”

“Paul misses you too.  I wish you could see how unhappy he is without you.”

“Dad, I know you want to help, but you’re crossing a line right now.  This is my life and you shouldn’t interfere,” I warned.  “And besides, Paul doesn’t have to be miserable.  He’s free to date whomever he wants.  I’m not stopping him.”

“You’re sure?”

Truthfully I got sick to my stomach imagining anyone touching Paul...my Paul.  But the more jealous I felt, the more I realized how wrong this was.  We started out as friends and it just went too far.  I told him I loved him enough to let him go, now it was time to do just that.
……...

A/N: comments? Questions? Any feedback makes my day!