tw: / / rape, violence, mention of abortion

I was admiring her beauty from afar when she felt that someone is watching her. Kunot noo siyang tumingin sa akin. I thought I finally have her attentive but she only stared at me coldly for a second!

Laura Solace is the goddess of beauty. She was created perfectly. Her full and red lips made her more seductive. Her eyes are magnets as she can naturally attract the eyes of everyone. The size of her nose fit in her small face. Everything about her is admirable.

Ang ganda n'ya, sobra.

I want her to know me but not this way. She saw me having a panic attack. I got triggered again by a random girl inside the club and remembered everything from my past.

"Dad..."

Kinakabahan kong tawag sa kan'ya. Sana ay tama ang gagawin kong 'to. My stepmother isn't here. This is the perfect time to inform my father about what she's been doing to me.

"What is it, Wneo?"

"I have to tell you something."

He closed the newspaper he was reading and sip his coffee before looking at me. His full attention is now on me.

Pinagpapawisan ang noo ko sa sobrang kaba. Kinakabahan ako na baka biglang dumating si Yvanna.

She clearly told me to be an obedient boy. Kapag nalaman n'yang nag sumbong ako ay malalagot ako sa kan'ya. Of course, I'm scared. I am young. I don't have power over her.

"When someone touches you without your consent, that's rape, right?"

His forehead furrowed, "Of course. That is punishable by law. Why are you asking?"

"But what if it happened several times?"

"That's still rape unless he has your consent and you like it... It happened several times already? Why wouldn't she report it? The victim should report it first hand."

"When someone rapes you, they'll be in jail."

With that in mind, I got the courage to tell the truth. Kung makukulong siya ay wala ng gugulo sa akin. I will be completely free. I can enjoy my childhood. I won't have to live every day with fear. I can play around like boys my age. Everything will be okay.

But how about my father? He loves Yvanna. He will get hurt for sure. Pero siguro ay maiintindihan naman n'ya? I'm his son. Before he married Yvanna, he had me first. Siguro ay mas lamang ang pagmamahal n'ya sa akin. Wala namang magulang na gustong magahasa ang anak.

This will benefit both of us. Yvanna is cheating on him. He will realize that the love he poured for her only went to trash. He deserves more than that.

"Yvanna rape me."

His forehead creased. Binitawan n'ya ang tasa ng kape. Mas lumapit siya sa akin.

"Pardon?"

"Yvanna rape me~"

Mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro n'ya akong sinuntok. Napangiwi ako sa sakit.

"How dare you talk bad about your mother?"

"I-I'm telling the truth, Dad! She did it multiple times."

He gritted his teeth, "Ikaw ang gagahasain? Lalaki ka!"

"Believe me~"

Kwinelyohan n'ya ako. He glared at me. I coughed because of the tightness of his hold on the collar of my polo shirt.

"She rapes me~"

"Are you insane? She's your mother!"

"She's not my mother!'

He punched me again. My head fell. Nalasahan ko nalang ang dugo sa labi ko.

"Putangina mo! Lumayas ka sa pamamahay ko! I don't need a son who's weak and crazy."

"Dad, please! Believe me. She touched me several times. Sa tuwing tulog ka sa gabi ay pinupuntahan n'ya ako sa kuwarto ko. Sa tuwing nasa trabaho ka ay ginagahasa n'ya ako."

"Are you saying that she's cheating on me, with you?"

"I'm saying this to you because you're my father who is supposed to protect me from her. I'm one of her victims. She's not the girl you thought she was. She's a monster."

Another punch landed on my face.

"Lunayas ka sa pamamahay ko ngayon din!"

"You said I should report it first hand but she scared me, Dad. Tinakot n'ya ako na may gagawin siyang masama sa akin at sa 'yo. Naduwag ako."

Sinikmuraan n'ya ako kaya napaluhod ako sa sahig.

"Gago ka! Who would believe you? Yvanna has been good to you when you lost your mom. Wala kang utang na loob."

"I'm begging you to believe me..."

"Isa kang mahinang lalaki! Why would your mother do that to you? Putangina mo. Are you gay, huh?"

"She raped me..."

He punched the wall and smashed the vase on the table. That made me flinch. I felt blood in my arms. Tinamaan ako ng basag na vase.

"Lumayas ka sa pamamahay ko. Forget me as your father!"

"Dad..."

"I don't have a son like you. Nakakahiya kang maging anak. I don't want you in my house kaya lumayas ka!"

"What's happening here, honey?"

My body got numb upon hearing her voice. Nanginig ang mga kalamnan ko.

"Why are you crying, baby boy?" she faked her concerns.

My father sighed. Hinalikan n'ya sa pisngi ang babae. He glared at me.

"He's making stories."

I bowed my head. I don't want to look at them. Natatakot ako sa babae at nasasaktan sa tuwing nakikita ang ama ko.

"What did he say?" mabagal ngunit may diin n'yang tanong.

"You raped him. He's fucking lying! I know you can't do that."

"W-What? I won't do that. He's my son. I'm so hurt. Why would he say that?" she faked a cry.

"He's crazy. Masiyado siyang mahina para gumawa ng ganitong kuwento. He only wants my attention."

"I loved him like my own son. B-Bakit?"

"Hush, honey. I believe you."

Tumakbo ako sa kuwarto at nag kulong. I locked the door. Umiyak ako sa aking unan para hindi nila marinig.

I didn't expect this from my father. I thought he'll believe me. Mas pinaniwalaan n'ya pa ang babae kaysa sa akin.

My father said I'm weak. I think he's right. I cannot even fight for myself. I am weak for letting a girl rape me. I am weak from crying. I am weak for keeping my mouth shut. I am weak in following her orders. I am weak because I need another person to fight for me.

Nakatulog ako kakaiyak. Naalimpungatan ako nang marinig ang pagbukas ng pinto. I remember it clearly that I locked the door before I fell asleep. Bumukas ang ilaw na lalong nagpagising sa akin.

"I told you to be quiet about our dirty secret, my son..."

Napaungol ako sa sakit nang may naramdamang matalim na bagay sa aking balat.

The broken vase yesterday was pressed on my chest. She used my chest as her canvas as she draw something in it using the broken vase.

Napapikit ako sa sobrang sakit. I feel like I lost a lot of blood because of it. I cannot handle the pain anymore, especially when the vase landed on the same spot where she cut me just a while ago.

"S-stop this," I beg.

Hindi siya nakinig sa akin. She continued doing her art on my chest.

Gumuhit siya na parang totoong papel ang dibdib ko. She doesn't care even if I shout out of pain. I feel like I had an open surgery without anesthesia. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang hapdi sa bawat hiwa n'ya.

She stopped when she got satisfied. Kumuha siya ng tissue para punasan ang dugo sa dibdib ko. She enjoyed every bit of what she did. She looks like a psychopath.

Someone help me get out of here.

"I could've given you a day to rest because I know that you got tired of what we did yesterday... pero makulit ka," she traced my chest, "Do you want me on top or button?"

My lips trembled. Hinigpitan ko ang kapit ko sa bedsheets.

She grabbed my jaw.

"Answer me!"

I don't have a choice but to answer her. If I won't, she'll do more than what she had In her mind earlier.

"Top."

She smirked and licked her lips. Nasiyahan sa sagot ko.

"Do you miss my pussy?" sabay hawak sa pagkakalalaki ko, "Because I miss your dick, baby boy."

"Y-you are crazy!"

"I'm crazy for your dick, baby boy."

"Stop this."

Humalakhak siya na parang baliw.

"You don't want this, baby boy?" sabay dila sa pagkakalalaki ko.

I groaned and protested by kicking my legs in the air.

"What does mommy say? Behave when mommy's enjoying her food. You want punishment, huh?"

Sa isang iglap ay naramdaman ko nalang ang malamig at matigas na bagay sa aking pulso. There are handcuffs on my wrist while my arms are both hanging, ganoon din ang nangyari sa binti ko.

"Fuck! This is hot."

She sat on my face and rubbed her clit on it. I couldn't scream because she wrapped her underwear around my mouth.

"Oh! Ah!"

I feel so helpless. I couldn't do anything to save myself. Wala ba talaga akong magawa? O pinili kong walang gawin dahil katulad ng sinabi ni Daddy ay duwag talaga ako? Sa totoo lang ay I can just run away and hide from them. Puwede akong mag layas pero wala akong tapang at lakas para gawin iyon.

"Yes, baby boy. Ang sarap n'yan."

Habang umuungol siya ay tahimik lang akong umiiyak. Nandidiri ako sa sarili ko. Aside from her wetness, I can smell her feminity which makes me want to vomit.

She violently rubs her wet pussy on my lips. Siya lang ang gumagalaw sa ibabaw ko pero sobra siyang nasasarapan.

"Oh! Ah!"

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal siyang umupo sa mukha ko. Naramdaman ko nalang na wala ng mabigat sa ibabaw ko.

"Your dinner is done. It's time for your dessert."

"Stop this~"

Napatigil ako nang maramdaman ang mahigpit n'yang pag hawak sa pagkakalalaki ko.

"Don't make mommy angry, Wneo." I gulped, "You don't want to see me angry, right?"

She smirked when she saw me not moving anymore. Bumalik ang pagnanasa sa mata n'ya. Even though my manhood isn't hard, she still managed to enter it in her vagina.

"Oh! Fuck your dick, baby boy."

I closed my eyes firmly. My palms are getting support from the comforter. Nakapikit ako at kailangan ng suporta hindi dahil sa nasasarapan ako, kundi dahil hindi ko kinakaya ang nakikita at nararamdaman ko.

I want everything to stop. I want her to vanish. I want to change my situation. I want my life to be normal.

"Ang sarap. Ang sarap mo, baby boy."

I silently thanked my guardian angels when I felt her release. it means that she's done with her lust and finally, I am free with our "dirty secret". That's what she calls it.

"That was fast, baby boy. My pussy must have missed you."

She is still grasping for air. Her hair is wet from all the efforts she did. Hindi pa siya umaalis sa itaas ko dahil hindi pa n'ya tinatanggal ang pagkakalaki ko sa loob n'ya.

"I want more," she bit her lips.

"I-I'm tired..." I murmured.

"Are you saying something, baby boy?"

Umalis siya sa itaas ko. I secretly sighed. Akala ko ay tapos na siya pero bumilis na naman ang pag tibok ng puso ko nang humilata siya sa tabi ko at inabot ang pagkalalaki ko para paglaruan.

"Do you like this?"

I didn't answer. When will this stop?

"You're not answering. Pagod ka na na, baby boy?"

"I'm tired."

Nilakasan ko ang boses ko para marinig n'ya. I badly want to rest. My soul, heart, mind, and sanity need to rest.

Humalakhak siya at tumigil. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang tanggalin n'ya ang panty sa bunganga ko. She first freed my feet, followed by my arms.

She wears her undergarments in front of me. I wanted to close my eyes but I forced myself to look at her. I already memorized her routine. She wants me to look at her every time she wears her clothes after she used me. Kapag pinikit ko ang mata ko ay magagalit siya at gagawin ulit n'ya akong laruan.

"Did you change your mind? Do you want me now or tomorrow, baby boy?"

"T-Tomorrow, mommy."

Humalakhak siya, "Are you that tired?"

I nodded despite my trembling body. Humalakhak siyang muli. Bago n'ya pang tuluyan masuot ang kan'yang damit ay giniya n'ya ang palad ko sa dibdib n'ya.

"Do you like what you're touching, baby boy?"

I can see that she still wants me. The lust in her eyes is still there.

"I like it but I'm tired," I have to lie.

She laughed like a crazy woman.

"Okay, baby boy. Let's continue our play tomorrow."

I hurriedly went to my bathroom after she closed the door. I cleaned myself thoroughly. I wanted to completely removed her touch from me. But even though I cleaned my body with soap and water, my mind won't erase her memories. I will forever remember how she touched me.

Kahit na nakapikit ako ay nararamdaman ko pa rin ang hawak n'ya sa akin. She tortured my innocence. Lahat ng ginawa n'ya ay natatandaan ko. Everything is vivid.

I have to think of ways to get out of this hell. Kailangan kong tumakas. Pero paano? Saan ako pupunta? The only family that is left in me is my father.

I woke up one morning with a smash on my door. I rubbed my eyes to see what was that but I was interrupted by a sudden kiss on my lips.

"I'm pregnant!"

Her words didn't sink in to me yet. My brain is still processing everything she said until she showed me an ultrasound picture.

My eyes widened.

"I had sex to several men but I'm sure you're the father. Sa 'yo lang ako nasarapan nang todo."

It can't be. I can't accept the child.

"No..."

"Yes, Wneo. You're the father," she smirked.

Umiling ako. Ayoko. Hindi ko siya tatanggapin.

Ayokong magka-anak sa isang tulad n'ya.

"But don't worry, I won't have this child."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll abort her."

Napaawang ang bibig ko.

She said those words like it's no big deal like she's not killing someone.

I don't want to be the father of her child. Who would want it? She raped me. Kahit sabihin ng iba na walang alam at kasalanan ang batang nasa sinapupunan n'ya ay ayoko pa ring maging ama n'ya. Just the mere fact that they share the same blood already brings discomfort to me.

Isa pa ay hindi sigurado kung ako nga ang ama. Marami siyang nakatalik. I doubt that I'm the father.

But a part of me is relieved. The child wouldn't be born with a mother like her. Yvanna will not be a good role model to her child. Mabubuhay siya na ang nasa paligid n'ya ay hindi nararapat na tawaging tao. Siya ang kawawa dahil nabuhay siya.

"We will leave you alone tonight. Bukas pa kami makakauwi."

Mabagal akong tumango, hindi pinapahalata na masaya ako.

"Take care, Dad and... Mom."

I locked the door when they leave and hurriedly run upstairs. Binuhat ko ang maletang walang laman at kumuha ng mga damit para ilagay doon. Natataranta kong binasag ang alkansiya ko.

"1,439..." bulong ko.

This isn't enough but I can handle this. Sa susunod na araw ko nalang iisipin kung saan ako kukuha ng pera para sa pang gastos ko. What's important now is I have to escape this house.

Kumuha pa ako ng isang backpack at nag lagay ng pagkain at tubig. I almost emptied our pantry. Lahat ng mga importante at kakailanganin kong bagay ay siniksik ko sa bag ko.

Puno ng pawis ang noo ko nang makalabas ng bahay. I look to my left and right to make sure that no one sees me. Nang makitang walang nakapansin sa paglabas ko ay pumara agad ako sa isang tricycle. Dumiretso ako sa terminal ng bus at sa kabutihang palad ay Isa nalang ang kulang bago ito umalis.

"Ilang oras po ang byahe?" tanong ko sa katabi ko.

"Pitong oras pa, boy."

Tumango ako at nagpasalamat. I'm going to our old house. Ang bahay namin noong buhay pa ang aking Ina at kapatid. Yvanna doesn't know that place and my father refused to go back to our house because of bad memories.

That's how I escaped hell. Sa kabutihang palad ay hindi nila ako nahanap. With Ate Jassy's help, I live like a normal teenager. Nag trabaho ako sa simbahan para may makain. Nagkaroon din ako ng alagang aso para hindi maramdamang nag-iisa ako sa buhay.

Binabangungot pa rin ako sa mga nangyari noon. There are nights when I wake up with tears in my eyes. I always dream about my past. Kaya minsan ay pumupunta ako sa club para makalimot. I was dealing with my demons all alone.

Until I found this woman.

"I will be your Solace."

I limit myself to her at first because I know that I am not easy to handle. My emotions are always not in range. There are days I cried for no reason. I don't want to add a burden on her. I want to prove to my father that I don't need someone to get better. Sisirain ko lang ang buhay n'ya. I will be her downfall.

Ayoko rin na masanay sa kan'ya. I don't want her to take accountability for my traumas. I want to heal myself first before pursuing her. But she was persistent. She's too hard to resist. May parte rin naman sa akin na gusto siyang makasama at makilala kaya hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili ko sa presensiya n'ya.

Kilala ko naman siya noon. Who wouldn't know the great Laura Solace? I witnessed how she felt lonely around her family. I saw how she plays around with boys. I knew her background with men. But despite all this, I fell for her harder and deeper.

"What if hindi pala talaga tayo?"

Agarang kumunot ang noo ko sa narinig. She laughed at my reaction.

"What if lang naman, Dawn! You're so serious."

"I don't like your what if."

"What if lang, eh. Kasi, 'di ba... we don't know what's ahead of us. Wala namang kasiguraduhan ang lahat."

"But I'm sure of you."

I cannot explain how painful it is to imagine her smiling and laughing with someone else. I want to be the reason why she's happy. I want to be her happiness. I want her only for myself.

Kaya kung maging totoo man ang what if n'ya, I don't think I'll be able to live. I'm sure of her. I wish the universe is also sure of us.

Akin 'to, eh. Sigurado na ako sa kan'ya.

"I can't stop thinking of the future, Dawn. Sa tuwing iniisip ko 'yon, kinakabahan ako. I want to grow old with you. I want to spend my days with you and our children. Kaya sana tayo talaga, 'no? Kasi kapag hindi pala tayo, hindi ko alam kung paano pa ako makakaahon."

"I promise you that you will end your book with me. Hindi rin naman ako papayag na hindi mo ako kasama sa mga susunod na kabanata. Kahit ano ang mangyari, Ikaw pa rin ang babaeng mamahalin ko... You have my light."

She's someone I need and want. She's someone I want to grow older. She completed my broken vessels. She's my bright star. She is my safe space. She is my solace.

"I will stay with you no matter what. If you're slowly losing interest in me, I will always find ways to bring you back in my arms. Gagawa ako ng paraan para tayo pa rin hanggang sa dulo. I will fight for you. I will fight for our love."

I know everything about her. She only has two friends who are  Shaira and Reni. She loves to write. She hates the smell of my favorite sauce. She is not fond of wearing traditional clothes. Alcohol calms her. She doesn't wear clothes with the colors red and white.

I thought it was enough. I only know basic information about her. I didn't know her yet. I still need to explore her. But she didn't give me a chance to know her more.

"Loving you is exhausting. I-I'm tired of being your Solace. Pagod na pagod na akong mahalin ka, Dawn. Sobrang nakakapagod."

Nakakapagod akong mahalin.

Because of my traumas, I was hard to love.

"Nakakapagod pala ang sobrang pagiintindi, Dawn..."

Napagod ko siya.

Gusto ko siyang intindihin. I want to be the bigger person but I couldn't stop myself from asking. Kung napagod siya, bakit agad siyang bumitaw? Puwede naman siyang mamahinga. Bakit ang naisip n'yang solution ay hiwalay? She can rest in me.

I am not ignoring her. I didn't ignore her emotions. Hindi totoo na sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko. I want to be better for her. I am not selfish. I only want to focus on my personal growth first so I could work out our relationship.

Pero mali rin ako. I was too dependent on her. I made her my punching bag. Sa sobrang focus ko sa sarili ko ay nakalimutan ko siyang alagaan. I was too eager to heal myself for her. I didn't know that while healing myself, I'm breaking her.

I feel heard and seen In our relationship. Pero ngayon, parang utang na loob ko sa kan'ya ito. Parang kailangan ko siyang bayaran sa mga ginawa n'yang hindi ko namang hiniling.

We both share mistakes in our relationship. We are both toxic to each other. But despite our toxicity, our love for each other is the most amazing thing that happened to me. Her love will always be my favorite.

I realize that we're not meant for each other: pinagtagpo lang kami pero hindi tinadhana. Pinakilala lang kami para turuan ng leksiyon ang isa't Isa. We are not the love that will choose to stay despite uncertainties. We are not the love that sacrifices everything. Our love is not for fairytales.

The only thing that I wish is to not be a stranger to her. I still want to see her winning life again. I still want to hear her laugh. I still want to smell her scent. I don't want to be her nobody, I want to be somebody for her.

I'm not wishing for us to be together, again.

If I will fall in love again, in His perfect time. I won't look for her. A person who got tired of you once will get tired of you tomorrow.

Her friend comforted me. At first, I thought that Solace asks her to be with me. But Athena told me that they are not talking anymore. I was curious, of course. Solace only has two trusted friends.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked her.

She gulped, "Because I care..."

"Did Solace ask you to do this?"

Her forehead creased. She looks offended by my accusation.

"What? Of course, not. She has nothing to do with this."

"Kung ganoon, why are you taking care of me? You're her friend. You are supposed to be in her side than to be in her ex boyfriend's house."

Tumaas ang kilay ko nang hindi siya nakapagsalita.

"Tell me, Shai. Why are you doing this?"

"I like you."

I was getting better with the help of Shai. Hindi ganoong kabuti pero unti unti kong nararamdaman ang ngiti sa labi ko. She helped me to move on. She was always with me even if I didn't ask her to be with me.

Natakot na ulit akong mag tiwala. Just like my experience with Solace, I don't want to burden her. I know how my emotions can negatively affect someone. I don't want another Solace in my life to suffer.

Mapapagod ko lang siya kagaya ng ginawa ko sa kaibigan n'ya. She will realize that I'm not worthy of her time and love. She will regret meeting me. She will leave me eventually.

But she didn't, kahit noong naghirap kami at nagkasakit ako ay hindi siya napagod sa akin.

"Kumain na kayo. Mamaya nalang ako kakain pagkatapos n'yo."

Umiling ako at binigay ang pinggan ko sa kan'ya.

Dalawang piraso ng sardinas lang ang ulam namin ngayong gabi. What will she eat after we finished? She's not going to eat. She will starve herself.

"Let's share."

"Hindi na, love. Ano ka ba! Kumain ka na."

"No, Shai. Let's share. I won't eat if you won't eat with us."

She pouted and sighed.

"Fine."

Hiniwa ko sa gitna ang sardinas para pagsaluhan naming dalawa pero napansin kong kanin lang ang kinakain n'ya at hindi ginagalaw ang sardinas. Huminga ako nang malalim at sinubuan siya.

"Ang sweet n'yo naman po."

I chuckled, "We were sweeter when we were younger, 'nak."

"How did you fall in love with mom, dad? Iyong iba po, sobrang nakakakilig ang love story nila! Baka sa inyo ni Mommy ay nakakakilig din."

"I fall for her because she didn't leave my side... That's how you love, 'nak. Kahit gaano man kahirap ang sitwasyon, pipiliin n'yo pa ring manatili sa isa't isa. Your mom sacrificed a lot for us."

Our love story is not ideal. May nasaktan kami sa aming nakaraan. May tinapakan kami. It's not a story that everyone will read. It's a story that everyone will hate and judge. But more than that, our story has lessons to tell.

Our love story is not perfect, but it's a story that I perfectly love.

"Bakit ka po umiiyak?"

I woke up in the middle of the night. Kumunot ang noo ko. My wife is crying and I couldn't even comfort her because I'm useless. I can't walk. My heart aches upon seeing Shaira trying to stop her tears.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Binastos ako sa labas..."

I closed my fist firmly. Sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko.

"They are the same guys last month."

"It happened last month?"

"Yes..."

"We will report them~"

"I'm fine, love. We don't have to."

"But they molested you."

Umiling siya, "Wala tayong pera."

Nanghina ako sa narinig.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me," she smiled and caressed my cheeks, "Nasampal ko naman ang Isa sa kanila kanina. Nakabawi ako."

Nang makita n'yang hindi pa rin sapat sa akin iyon ay niyakap n'ya ako.

"Don't think about it too much. Ano'ng oras na ba? You should go back to sleep."

"I'm sorry."

May luhang tumulo sa mata ko.

Everything is my fault. Kung hindi lang ako nagkasakit ay sana nabawi na namin ang na-scam na pera sa amin. I never thought that being unhealthy will make me so guilty.

"It's not your fault. It won't happen again."

Pero hindi iyon nangyari. Madalas akong nagigising sa gitna ng gabi dahil sa ingay ng mga lalaki. I could hear her fighting.

I hate myself for being useless. Wala akong magawa kundi pakinggan kung paano siya bastusin ng mga lalaki sa labas. I can't protect her.

Isang araw ay nagkasakit si Shaira. Our daughter has to sacrifice her bed for her mother. Katabi ko siyang natutulog samantalang nasa labas ang anak namin.

"How do you feel? Masakit pa rin ba ang ulo mo?"

"Hindi na..."

Alam kong masakit pa rin ang ulo n'ya pero hindi n'ya sinabi para hindi na ako mag-alala sa kan'ya.

"Do you want me to massage your head?"

Ngumiti siya at tumango. She laid her head near me.

"Do you regret marrying me?"

"Hindi, Dawn. Kahit sa pangalawang buhay, Ikaw pa rin ang papakasalan ko."

"Thank you, love. Thank you for staying."

"Ganoon naman talaga, 'di ba? Nangako tayo sa harap ng simbahan na mananatiling matatag ang pag-ibig natin kahit ano man ang dumating na pagsubok. Besides, I love you. I won't let you suffer alone. We are in this together."

"Aren't you tired?"

She sighed, "Pagod na pagod, Dawn. I'm not just physically tired, I'm emotionally and financially tired. I'm not used to this life. Lumaki akong hindi naghihirap. Pero kahit na pagod ako, hinding hindi ako mapapagod sa inyo ng anak natin. Our life might be different now, but my love for you is still the same."

"I'm sorry if we have to experience this life. Kung hindi lang ako nagkasakit~"

"Stop blaming yourself. Hindi mo kasalanan na nagkasakit ka. This life is only a test for us. I believe that one day, we won't have to starve ourselves with food. Makakahiga na tayo sa malambot na kama. Hindi na natin kailangang tiisin ang ganitong buhay."

I grabbed her fingers. Iyon naman ang minasahe ko.

Her palms changed a lot. Hindi na malambot katulad ng dati. The veins are very visible.

"I'm just worried about our daughter's health. Baka magkasakit siya at humina ang immune system dahil sa mga kinakain natin. She's still young. Her body needs nutrition and vitamins..."

I was about to answer her when we heard my daughter's shout.

"N-no! Stop, please."

"May anak pala ang magandang babae na natutulog dito. Pare, halika! Ang kinis at ganda."

"Mana sa Ina," they laughed.

"Huwag po. Maawa kayo."

"Gago, pare. Ang ganda rin ng boses.

"Siguro ay mas masarap ito kaysa sa Ina n'ya."

"Oo naman, pare. Laswag na ang babaeng iyon. Ito ang anak n'ya, fresh."

Napuno ng tawanan ang paligid.

"Hoy! Jusmiyo! Ano ang ginagawa n'yo sa batang babae? Umalis kayo! Mga halimaw."

Narinig ko ang mabilis na takbo ng mga lalaki. Our daughter entered the house. Siniksik n'ya ang sarili sa amin. She's shaking.

"Ayoko na po ng ganitong buhay..." she cried.

Bumangon si Shaira para yakapin ang anak namin.

"Nahihirapan na po ako."

"I'm sorry, anak," si Shaira.

"Hindi naman po ganito ang buhay natin noon. We have secured shelter and healthy food. Mama, please po. Balik na tayo sa dati nating buhay."

Shaira cried with her. Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak ng anak namin.

"Pagod na po ako sa buhay natin. Hindi ko na po kaya," her voice broke.

I should get better. My daughter needs me. My family needs me. But how? I am Ill. I can't even go to the bathroom without the help of my wife. I cannot stand alone. Wala na akong kuwenta. Pabigat lang ako sa kanila.

Gusto kong mag simula ulit pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula.

I decided to ask for my father's help. I was ready to borrow someone's phone to dial his number when Ace and Stan went to our house. Nalaman nila ang lahat. They were so shocked when they saw us, especially me.

Ace didn't change at all. She still has a generous soul. Kahit gaano man kasakit ang idinulot namin noon sa kan'ya ay pinili n'ya pa rin kaming tulungan. She was supposed to celebrate because we finally had our karma, but instead, she wants to help us.

I'm happy that she finally found the right man for her. Masaya ako na hindi na ako ang dahilan ng mga ngiti n'ya. I'm genuinely happy that Stan's love found her.

I was the reason for her smile before. I was the only one who can hold her hand. I was the man she loved. But now, she has Stan. Masaya ako.

We both healed individually before the right love found us.

I got better with the help of Stan's friend. Pinasok nila ako sa foundation, at ngayon ay member ako ng foundation na tumutulong na rin sa mga taong kapos palad.

Bumalik kami sa dati naming buhay. We don't starve ourselves anymore. Ang katawan ni Shai ay unti unti ng nagkakalaman. Everything is going well and I owe it to Ace and Stan. Without them, we won't reach this far.

"Are you ready to face them?" Shaira asked.

I nodded, "I want to begin my life without hatred in my heart."

That's what my favorite love taught me: to forgive. She taught me that In order to have a peaceful life, I have to face everyone that hurt me. Hindi ko man sila agad agad na mapapatawad, ang mahalaga ay makalaya ang puso ko sa galit.

I intertwined our hands while we walked towards the restaurant. I immediately saw them when we entered the restaurant. My father stood up but I waved my hand to signal to him that it was not necessary to welcome or hug me. Umupo kami sa harapan nila. Mayroon ng pagkain sa harap namin, siguro ay nag order na sila habang wala kami.

"Good evening po..." Shaira greeted my father.

"Good evening, hija. I'm glad I met you."

Shaira nodded and smiled at him.

I slowly lifted my gaze to the girl beside my father. I stared at her deeply. Sa isang iglap ay nakita ko ang pagkakahawig nila ng asawa ko. They have the same eyes and the shape of lips. I can see the older Shaira to her. But there's one unique feature my wife has that she doesn't, it's her innocent beauty.

I was staring at her for too long. Naramdaman n'ya iyon kaya napaiwas siya sa titig ko.

My father cleared his throat.

"How are you, son? May anak na ba kayo?"

"I'm fine, Dad. Yes, we have a daughter. How about you?"

"We are fine, son. We have a daughter. Well... I'm not her biological father but I treat her as my own."

Natigil ako sa pag nguya. They have a daughter. He's not the father! Ibig sabihin ay nagkaroon ng ibang anak sa lalaki si Yvanna. Paano kung...

"Nabuntis ako ng kaibigan ng Daddy mo..."

Umawang ang labi ko sa narinig at nag buntong hininga na rin sa huli.

"How did you treat her? I'm willing to take her away from you once I heard that you are violent to her," si Shaira.

"Calm down~"

"No! I can't calm down knowing that my sister is living with you! Wala kang pinipiling biktima. I don't want her to suffer."

"As I've said earlier, I treat her as my own daughter. And your mom... she loves your sister."

"That's good to know..."

Alam kong nasaktan ang asawa ko. Yvanna didn't love her. She abandoned Shaira. But I also know she is relieved and happy that her sister is in a safe place. That her sister is loved that she could've also felt back then.

"We are sorry..."

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tinidor. My father apologized right in front of me.

"I'm sorry for not believing you before, son. I love Yvanna. I am in denial and couldn't accept that she can do that to me. I got blinded by my love for her."

"You choose to believe her rather than to believe me."

"I'm sorry..."

"Kung sana ay pinaniwalaan mo ako noon, hindi sana ako nanirahan ng may takot. I should've enjoyed my childhood. I could have gained happy memories as a child than  traumas."

I closed my fist and calmed down for a while.

"Why was it so hard for you to believe me?"

"Kagaya ng sinabi ng daddy mo ay nabulag siya sa pagmamahal n'ya para sa akin. Aside from that, I am good at manipulation. I manipulated him. I mastered how to play with his heart. I am used to manipulating people's feelings because I was raised like that."

"What do you mean by that?" Shaira asked.

Yvanna sighed and bitterly smiled.

"When I was young, your Lola used to manipulate and control everything that I do. I couldn't even decide for myself because it's always her to decide. Nang makatakas ako sa kan'ya ay pakiramdam ko malayang malaya na akong gawin ang lahat. I healed my inner child by controlling people's actions. I thought that was fine because my mother raised me with that way."

"That won't justify what you did!" si Shaira

Malumanay siyang ngumiti, "I know. I won't justify my action. I ruined someone's life. Kaya Wneo, humihingi ako ng tawad. I am willing to accept everything from your wrath. I deserve it," she looked at Shaira, "I am sorry for abandoning you. I understand why you can't call me mom because I don't deserve to be called that way. Naiintindihan ko ang galit mo sa akin. I'm not asking you to forgive me but I won't get tired of saying this over and over again. I'm sorry..."

"I'm sorry son for ruining your childhood. I promised your mother to take care and protect you from anyone but I failed to do that. I regret everything I've said and done to you."

My eyes widened when both of them kneeled in front of us.

"Patawarin n'yo kami..."

I thought seeing them will make me angry. Akala ko ay mahihirapan akong patawarin sila. I didn't know that I was already healed. I just need to hear their apologies to be completely free.

Ace is right. It feels good to free myself from anger. Mas naging tahimik ang buhay ko. My heart became peaceful. Sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam ang mabuhay.

My father couldn't leave Yvanna because he loves her. Nakakabulag nga talaga ang pagmamahal. I can't judge him because I'm not in his shoe but if I were in his shoe, I will leave her. Because love is not supposed to be blind. Love is judgment. You can love her love but you can't stay with that person. That was how my brain perceives love.

The idea of love in my heart is in contrast to what my brain perceives.

You can love and stay at the same time. Like what I did to Shaira, I stayed with her. I listened to my heart. I can't leave her. We made mistakes but we both learned from it.

My heart will always choose to stay with her no matter what the circumstances are. Love is to stay. She will always have my love. Leaving her is also killing myself.

"I miss this place..."

Shaira spread her arms and feel the wind. Niyakap ko siya sa likod.

"Ang nostalgic, 'no?"

"Hmm."

Tumawa siya nang bahagya, "Masaya ako na kaya na nating bumalik sa lugar na ito na walang pagsisisi sa puso natin."

We are on the beach where Ace told me she's pregnant. Naging paboritog tambayan na namin ito ni Shaira dahil palagi ko siyang dinadala rito noon.

"I love you..." I whispered.

"I love you, too."

Kumunot ang noo ko nang umiba ang boses ni Shai. I removed my head from her neck. I got stunned when I saw who was beside us. Stan and Ace are only two meters away from us.

"Isa pa nga. I want to hear it more."

Ace rolled her eyes and poked Stan's nose. Naramdaman n'yang may nakatitig sa kan'ya kaya dahan dahan siyang humarap sa akin. Her eyes widened.

We saw each other again.

Same place but with a different person.

I smiled at her. She smiles at me.

"Let's go? I want to cuddle you in our bed," rinig kong bulong ni Stan.

"I can't wait to go home," Ace giggled.

My eyes went down. Hindi inaasahang titigil iyon sa kan'yang daliri. On her ring finger, there's an infinity S curved horizontally.

She's engaged.

"Congratulations."

I was supposed to say it in my mind. Napalakas pala.

"Nandito ka pala, Dawn!" Stan bumped our fist, "Thank you. Wala na itong kawala sa akin, bro."

Ace hit his shoulder, "Wala naman akong plano, ah."

"They're cute..." bulong ni Shai.

"We'll go ahead. Susundan pa namin si Twilight."

Pagkasabi sa pangalan ni Twilight ay nadagdagan ang pangungulila ko sa anak ko. She still doesn't want to talk to me. Ace said she forgives me but she doesn't want to reconcile. She doesn't want to build a connection with me.

Naiintindihan ko naman siya pero nasasaktan pa rin ako. I want to make it up to her. I longed for my daughter's presence.

"Say hi to my daughter, please."

"Sure, dude. Sige, alis na kami."

Bago sila umalis ay tumango si Ace sa akin at ganoon din ang ginawa ko sa kan'ya.

We are now doing great individually. It's time to close our book and start a new chapter with Shaira.

-THE END-