If I could turn back the time, I'll go back to where I first saw him... crying and asking for help. I will still do the same, I will wipe his tears and rub his back, however, I will not ask to be his consolation in distress.

I will not empty my cup just to fill his cup. I will protect my peace before protecting his; I will heal my scars before healing him.

Dahil iyon ang dapat.

May kasalanan siya ngunit ako ang mas may kasalanan.

I blamed myself for getting tired of him. He didn't ask for it, I offered him. Ako ang lumapit sa kan'ya. Ako ang nag bigay ng sarili at oras ko sa kan'ya.

I hate how soft-hearted I am. And now, because of it, I lost someone who accepts all my flaws and imperfections. I lost the only person who believes that there is something good in my heart despite everyone's defining me as a rebellious and bad person. I lost a man who loves me, without looking at my past.

I lost him and I also lost myself.

Nandito ako ngayon sa loob ng club. Pakiramdam ko ay unti unti na naman akong bumabalik sa dati.

I smirked at that thought. Siguro nga ay ganito na talaga ako. I'll be forever caged in this place; loud, dark, and wild. Dito, walang may pakealam sa gagawin ko dahil parehas lang kami ng hinahangad... ang makalaya sa relayidad.

Kaya nga siya pumunta noon dito para makalaya sa relayidad n'ya, para makalimutan ang nakaraan n'ya kahit sa ilang oras lamang.

What the hell? Why am I thinking about him, again?

"Tangina..." I cursed.

How can I move on when I have memories of him in every place that I love? Damn it!

Nevermind. I don't think I can move on from him. I don't think I can love another man after him. Siya ang buhay ko. Kahit wala na kami, siya pa rin ang tinitibok ng puso ko and it fucking hurts. The thought of loving him from afar hurts. Alam ko na balang araw, makikita ko siyang may hinahawakan at hinahalikan. May kinakausap habang ang kislap sa kan'yang mata ay hindi mawala mawala. He will love someone else, I'm sure of that. While me? Hindi na ako makakaahon pa sa kan'ya. I will just wait in another universe for him. Maybe, we will keep loving each other there. Sa ngayon, mamahalin ko nalang siya nang palihim. Habang buhay ko siyang hihintay.

My thoughts were interrupted when someone clapped his hand in front of my face.

"You're here to have fun, not to stress yourself."

Hindi ko na nilingon ang taong nag salita. Sa buong linggo kong narito sa club ay siya lang ang may lakas na loob na lapitan at kausapin ako.

"Leave me alone, Stan."

"You know my answer to that."

I rolled my eyes and just drink another shot of tequila.

"Have you eaten your dinner before drinking?"

Umiling lang ako bilang sagot. I actually didn't eat anything. I woke up around 7:00 PM earlier because I went home late last night and went back to the club. Ganito ang palagi kong ginagawa noong mga nakalipas na linggo.

He sighed, "You should eat first. Dapat may laman ang bituka mo bago uminom. Look at your stomach, may baby bumps na tuloy."

I glared at him. Stan only laughed at my reaction.

Kung hindi pa n'ya sinabi, hindi ko mapapansin. I'm gaining weight. My stomach rolls are very visible especially when I'm sitting. However, my shoulders feel the same.

"Baby bump? I'm not pregnant. I just gained weight."

"But you're still the most beautiful..." he whispered in my ears. He went closer to me and rested his hands on my stomach. Pinaglaruan n'ya iyon.

"Let go of me, Stan!" irita kong wika.

"Ang ganda mo pa rin..." he said while kissing my neck.

Hindi ko nalang siya pinansin at hinayaan ang ginagawa n'ya. Mas sinandal ko ang sarili ko sa kan'ya nang maamoy ang pabango n'ya. Recently, I got addicted to his scent. Sobrang bango.

"I saw Shaira with Athena yesterday. I didn't know they are friends."

"I didn't know either..."

Wala na akong balita sa kanila dahil haggang ngayon ay hindi ko binubuksan ang cellphone ko. I don't go to school anymore. Si Reni lang ang nakakausap ko dahil pumupunta siya sa bahay pagkatapos ng klase. He didn't mention Shai and Athena to me that's why I don't know anything but it wasn't a surprise to me neither, it's not impossible after what happened. She should be with Reni every time he visits me kaya napaisip ako kung bakit hindi ko siya nakikita. I came up to the conclusion that maybe she is with Athena, I'm just waiting for Reni to say something about it. I don't need any confirmation. Si Stan na mismo ang nagsabi.

"She's good at pretending."

My forehead creased, "What do you mean?"

"I was doubting her loyalty to you back then. I can sense that there's something inside her. She might look innocent and harmless but she is hiding something... may kati rin palang tinatago ang babaeng 'yon," he laughed at the last sentence he said.

I removed his arms from me and faced him with rage in my eyes.

"Don't you ever say bad words to her, Stan! How dare you? You don't even know her! Ang kapal ng mukha mong pagsalitaan siya ng masama sa harapan ko."

"But it's the truth~"

I slapped him.

"She's not what you're thinking!"

"She did a lot of things, Ace! You should be mad."

I gritted my teeth and didn't leave his eyes.

I don't want to be mad at Shai. She's my best friend. I don't want to lose her. Kilala ko siya. May rason siya sa lahat ng ito.

"Nakipagkaibigan siya sa taong ginawan ka ng masama. She is flirting with your ex. Shaira betrayed you, Ace."

Nanghina ako sa sinabi n'ya. Pilit kong inaalis sa isipan ko ang bagay na iyon sa mga nakalipas na linggo dahil ayokong pagisipan siya nang masama at mas lalong ayokong masaktan.

I was avoiding that thought and now that Stan mentioned it to my face, it hits me hard. The pain in my heart is unexplainable.

"Your best friend betrayed you."

Huminga ako nang malalim habang patuloy na umaagos ang luha sa aking pisngi.

"She betrayed you not just once, but twice."

"S-stop..."

"I'm sorry but you need to hear all of these. You need to know what you deserve," he wiped my tears.

"B-baka may rason siya, Stan. Stop judging her."

"Alright. I'm sorry for judging her but what she did to you shows what she is. Real friends don't do that."

Mas lalo akong nasaktan sa sinabi ni Stan. Shaira is my best friend. How could she do that?

She befriends someone who we both hate; we both talk shit about her. And now, maybe they're talking shit about me.

She knows how much I love Dawn. Siya ang nakaalam kung paano ako kiligin sa kan'ya. She witnessed my intimacy with him. She was there when I talked about my admiration for Dawn. She saw how my eyes twinkled every time they mentioned his name to me.

"Real friends don't betray each other. Mag away man kayo, mananaig pa rin ang pinagsamahan at pagkakaibigan n'yo."

I was in denial for the past weeks. I wanted to protect my heart from another heartache.

"You don't always put someone on a pedestal, especially after witnessing what she did. Her actions speak for what you should feel about her. Kahit pa may rason, sinaktan ka pa rin n'ya. She pained you. You were best friends but she chose to betray and hurt you. That's enough reason to get mad at her."

I shook my head to disagree.

"Everyone will hurt us. Even the person who loves us the most will still hurt us but what matters are the regrets in their eyes. Pain is part of our life. Without pain, there is no life. So yes, I still want to hear Shai's explanation. I will wait for her to explain her side. I will not throw our years of friendship easily. I know her better than anyone else."

"Why are you so fucking kind?"

"Hindi ako mabait. I am doing this because I love her. This is how you love, Stan. You will wait for their explanation before making a decision. After all, I deserve to hear her explanation."

It was already 5 pm when I woke up. Sobrang sakit ng aking ulo. Minasahe ko ang aking sentido at pumikit nang makaramdam ng hilo.

"I'm so hungry..." I whispered while caressing my stomach.

I was about to go out to bed when the door opened. Reni showed up with a paper bag in his hands.

"Is that food?" I excitedly asked. I even bit my lower lip out of excitement.

"Yes, señorita... Alam kong gutom ka na naman."

I clapped my hands happily.

"Thank you! You're the best. Give it to me."

He suspiciously handed me the paper bag. Masaya ko namang binuksan iyon ngunit nang maamoy ay gusto ko nalang maduwal.

"Ang baho!"

Mabilis kong binalik sa kan'ya ang pagkain at tinakpan ang ilong.

"Please, put that away from me. Itapon mo nalang o kaya kainin mo sa labas."

"What?" taka n'yang tanong.

"The food smells bad, Reni..." naiiyak kong sagot.

"O-okay, I'm sorry. Iiwan ko nalang sa labas."

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang lumbas siya. I wiped my tears and pouted. I want to eat! I'm so hungry!

"What's wrong with the food? You've eaten that many times."

"I just don't like the smell."

"Hmm..." malalim siyang nag isip. He then glanced at my body. His eyes dropped down my stomach.

"Don't think about it too much... I want to eat. Gutom na gutom na ako."

He sighed, "Okay, what do you want to eat?"

"Sinigang... with lots of ketchup. Oh My Gosh, that will be so good!"

Dinala ako ni Reni sa isang mahahalin na restaurant. I told him we can just eat in a carenderia but he insisted to eat here. Delikado raw sa kalusugan ko at baka ma food poison pa ako. He's weird.

"Ang sarap!" I said giggling.

I mix the ketchup and mayonnaise in the sinigang. I wanted to drink soda but Reni didn't allow me. Binili n'ya ako ng fresh milk! Hindi nalang ako nagreklamo dahil nilibre n'ya lamang ako.

"Do you want?" I asked him. Kawawa naman at nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

Tipid siyang umiling, "Just eat."

Palihim akong napa yes. I just offered him because he looks like he wanted me to share my food with him but I don't want it though. This is my food. Only mine!

I was giggling the whole time I eat while Reni was just staring at me. Parang ang lalim ng iniisip n'ya.

"Lumalaki ang tiyan natin, ah?" he quietly and carefully uttered while driving.

Ngumuso ako, "I just finished eating a meal, of course, I would be bloated!"

"Ang defensive mo naman. Sinasabi ko lang, eh."

I rolled my eyes, "Where are we going anyway?"

"May dadaanan tayo."

I simply nodded. Pumili nalang ako ng kanta sa cellphone n'ya. I was enjoying the song when it suddenly stopped.

Sa Shopee pi pi pi pi
Ang dami mi mi mi mi
Bumili li li li li
Sa Shopee

My eyes watered, "Why did it stop?!"

I stamped my feet and cried. The audacity of this advertisement to ruin my happiness!

Sa Shopee pi pi pi pi
And dali li li li li
Bumili li li li li
Sa Shopee

"Oh my~ Why are you crying?"

"I was singing the song then this fucking advertisement showed up!" sumbong ko habang walang tigil sa pag iyak.

"Seriously? Oh God, Lord... help me."

Sa Shopee
Free Shipping ping ping ping
COD D D D D
And dali li li li li
Sa Shopee

"I hate you, Shopee! Fucking die now!"

"Stop crying. It will stop in a minute."

"No! I don't want to listen to music anymore!."

"But~"

"Reni, ang ingay! Fucking shut down your phone!"

Natataranta n'yang pinatay ang kanta.

"Tangina. Bakit ako ang napaparusahan?" he whispered.

Hindi ko na mabilang kung nakailang mura siya habang nagmamaneho. He only stop when I shouted at him to shut his mouth.

"We're here."

My eyes widened when we stopped in a hospital.

"What are we doing here?" kunot noo kong tanong.

Huminga muna siya nang malalim at seryoso akong tinitigan. I swallowed hard. Kinabahan ako sa titig n'ya.

"When was the last time your menstruation visited you?"

"L-last two months?" hindi ko siguradong sagot, "That because I'm irregular!"

"Okay, that makes sense. But you have weird food cravings."

"H-huh?"

"You were also weird earlier. You became too emotional which is new because you don't usually cry."

He held my hand and squeezed it, "Is he your last? Did you use protection?"

I weakened when I realized what he was trying to say.

No.

Ayoko.

This can't be.

"N-no... I'm not."

Reni hugged me, "Hush. We're just going to visit a doctor to know the truth."

"B-but what If I am?" nanginginig kong tanong.

"I won't leave you and the baby. I am gay but I can be the father of your child. Aalagaan ko kayo, okay? Don't worry. Sasamahan ko kayo."

I'm not ready to be a mom. I think I will never be ready. Being a parent is a full time job. It is a lifelong responsibility. I cannot just quit it.

I am scared.

Ang tanga tanga ko dahil hinayaan kong makipagtalik ako ng walang protection.

We did it in the church. I was consumed by lust at that time.

Natatakot ako.

Sana ay mali si Reni.

"Congratulations, Ms. Ramuro. You are two weeks pregnant."