tw: / / mention of rape

I went to the club without telling Dawn. Alam kong mali pero pumunta pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam. Pakiramdam ko ay gagaan ang problema ko kapag pumunta ako sa lugar kung saan nagiging komportable ako.

Ilang buwan na ba ako hindi nakapag club? It feels like years already. I didn't notice that my body is craving this place until I heard the loud music and smell the liquor all over the place. Nakasuot na rin ako ng maiksing damit na hindi ko na naisusuot dahil pinapagalitan ako ni Dawn.

I miss this place. I miss being me.

I adjusted my life to Dawn. I stopped doing things to please him. I changed myself for him.

But he never adjusted for me.

I know I shouldn't compare but this relationship feels unfair. It feels like I'm working alone on this relationship. Parang ako nalang ang nag papaandar ng gulong sa relasiyon namin.

"Ace!"

Someone shouted my name which made the crowd glance at my side. Tuloy tuloy na ang kumausap sa akin dahil doon.

"You look prettier!"

"Thank you! Ikaw din naman."

"Bakit nga pala hindi ka na namin nakikita rito? Or you were just in another club?"

Alanganin akong tumawa."Uhm... Sa ibang club lang. You know, I just want to explore," I lied.

"Of course, you are Laura Solace!"

I smirked, "I have to go," tinuro ko ang bakanteng upuan sa bar counter.

"Sure! Join us later?"

I nodded and left them. Umupo ako at sinabi ang order.

Unang lunok ko ng tequila ay naramdaman ko agad ang init. Oh, how I miss this one.

"You're alone?"

Napalingon ako sa pamilyar na boses.

"Stan!" nagulat kong wika, "May nakikita ka bang kasama ko?"

He chuckled and sat beside me. He also ordered the same drink as mine.

"Buti at pinayagan ka?"

"I don't need anyone's permission."

"Really? That's not what I witnessed last time."

I pouted, "Tsismoso mo."

He burst into laughter. I pouted more.

"Stop pouting. I don't want to get punched by your boyfriend."

"Hindi naman 'yon nanunungtok," I rolled my eyes.

"How I wish I can make your eyes roll using my tongue again."

May sinabi siya pero hindi ko narinig dahil biglang lumakas ang tugtog.

"Huh? You're saying something?"

"Nothing."

I shrugged my shoulder.

"How are you? Mas lalo kang gumanda..."

I bit my lower lip, "Okay naman ako, Stan. Thank you."

"He's taking care of you, huh."

"How I wish..." I whispered.

"Why? Is he not treating you better?"

"Hindi naman..."

"There's a reason why you said those words."

Huminga ako nang malalim bago nagsalita.

"My relationship with him isn't healthy anymore. It's always me who will adjust for him. It's becoming more toxic with every argument we have."

I don't know why I'm telling this to Stan. Komportable ako sa kan'ya. Maybe because he isn't just my ex fling, we also treat each other as friends. Hindi lang kami landian at sex noon, we also share some stories of our life. Sa relasiyon namin noon kahit hindi ko sabihing kailangan ko ng taong masasandalan, hindi siya aalis sa tabi ko hanggat alam n'yang gumaan na ulit ang pakiramdam ko. He is attentive to me.

"You should talk to him about what's bothering you. You two should communicate. He might not know what he made you feel... Words, Ace. It's important to talk it out."

"It's not that easy..."

"Hmm?"

"Hindi pa ako nagsasalita, tinatapos n'ya na agad. He's not giving me chance to explain because he already has a conclusion in his mind."

"Ang seryoso ng away n'yo ngayon?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

He went silent, para bang hinihintay n'yang magsalita ako tungkol doon.

I sighed, "We were about to go on a date. But I saw my ex that's why I wanted to cancel it. He got mad and assumed that I still have feelings for him for canceling our date."

His forehead creased and chewed his lower lip.

"Why'd you want to cancel it? Kung ako rin ang boyfriend ay magagalit din naman ako, Ace. Nakita mo lang ang ex mo ay hindi mo na gustong makipag date sa akin."

"It's not just because he's my ex!"

His brows shut up.

"He's with someone... who r-raped me."

I looked away. A tear rolled down my cheeks. Ilang minuto akong umiyak nang tahimik at hinayaan n'ya lang ako. He was quiet the whole time I'm tearing up. He knows I need this silence.

"I-I'm sorry for crying."

"Hush, you don't say sorry for crying."

Naramdaman ko ang kamay n'ya sa aking balikat. I'm wearing a tube top dress that's why I felt his warm hands on my skin. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng ilang doon. Instead, I felt comforted and relieved by the warmth of his palm.

"I'm sorry, Ace. I understand... I'm sorry."

"No, I'm fine. It has been years since it happened."

"I've also heard that from Tyra."

Bigla ko tuloy naalala ang kapatid n'ya. Kumusta na kaya 'yon? Palagi pa rin ba siyang sinusugod sa hospital?

"Kumusta na si Tyra?"

"Let's not talk about her... You didn't get your justice?"

Malungkot akong umiling, "No one believes me. Paano ko makukuha ang hustisya?"

"W-what? Why?'

I told him everything. Simula kung paano kami nag simula ni Leigh at kung paano nag wakas.

Si Stan ang unang nakaalam sa nakaraan ko. I don't regret telling him. I don't have doubts to trust him. Malaki ang tiwala ko na hindi n'ya iyon gagamitin sa akin.

"Leigh wanted to talk to you? Why won't you give him a chance?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. I can't believe he said that! Nagiisip ba siya?

"No! That's not what I meant, Ace," he defensively said like he can read my mind, "Give him a chance to talk and not a second chance. Of course, you should not do that... Baka pagkatapos n'yong mag usap ay gumaan nang kaonti ang bigat sa puso mo?"

Napaisip ako sa sinabi n'ya. Oo nga, 'no? I did everything to make my past not haunt me but I failed, maybe talking to people who caused it will carry out the heaviness in my heart? Maybe this time, makakalaya na ako sa nakaraan ko.

"Sometimes, all we need to do is to face the people who hurt us... But don't force yourself. Kung hindi mo pa talaga kaya, 'wag nalang muna. Give yourself time."

I gave myself enough time to reflect. Siguro nga ay kailangan ko na silang harapin dahil puro takbo ang ginawa ko; pagtatago at pagtakbo ang ginawa ko. I became a loser for running away from them.

I was raped by my first love cousin.

Ginahasa ako ng kapwa kong babae.

This is my reality and I should face it.

I asked Stan's help. He was the one who contacted Leigh and look for a place for us to talk.

"Call me when things are too heavy for you, okay? Nasa malapit lang akong mall."

Ngumiti ako, "Thank you, Stan. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

"Don't mention it. For you, I will do everything."

Tumango lang ako at lumabas na sa sasakyan n'ya.

"Don't forget to call me!"

I laughed a bit, "Noted po."

Bago n'ya sinara ang pintuan ay lumapit siya sa mukha ko. Sa sobrang lapit ay mahahalikan n'ya na ako.

"Show him no mercy. If you want to slap him and kick his balls, don't stop yourself. Make him beg for your forgiveness."

Wala ako sa sariling tumango. Tumalikod na ako sa kan'ya ngunit bago pa ako makapasok sa loob ng restaurant ay nakita ko si Athena na nakangising nakatingin sa gawi ko. I only ignored her. This is not the time to have a war with her.

Stan told me that Leigh is already here and he wasn't wrong. I saw Leigh looking around like he was waiting for someone. Nang tumama ang mata namin ay bigla siyang tumayo at yayakapin sana ako.

"Don't," matigas kong pigil.

"I'm sorry," halata ang pagkakahiya sa boses n'ya.

Pinaghila n'ya ako ng upuan pero pinili kong umupo sa kabilang upuan. Pagak siyang tumawa.

"L-let's have your order~"

"I didn't go here to eat with you. You can start talking now. I have more important things to do after this so don't waste my time."

Yumuko siya, "Charm..."

"And don't call me that. It's disgusting."

Lumunok siya, "I'm sorry..."

"Which are you sorry for?" tumaas ang kilay ko.

"I'm sorry for not believing in you. I should be the first person to believe in and protect you but I failed to do that. Hindi ko sinasadya..."

"Hindi sinasadya?" I chuckled sarcastically, "Hindi ka nag dalawang isip na pagsabihan ako ng masasakit na salita at palayasin. Hindi ka nag dalawang isip na kampihan siya at sigaw sigawan ako!"

"You can't blame. You surprised me with your position, Charm! Your face is on her feminity and how would you expect me to react? Nagulat ako at nasaktan!"

"Kaya pinili mo rin akong saktan?!"

"It's the situation that leads me to do that. Pinangunahan ako ng galit, ng emotions ko. I wasn't thinking straight. At kung Ikaw ba ang nasa position ko ay ano'ng gagawin mo? When you find me kneeling and sucking a gay's dick? How will you react?"

"Magagalit ako Leigh but I will surely let you explain yourself. Hahayaan kitang magpaliwanag dahil ganoon naman ang pagmamahal. If you love me, you should have respect and trust me as your girlfriend."

"I know... that's why I'm here to apologize."

"Too late. I became the person I hated because of you and your cousin. You made this monster."

I was shocked when tears escaped his eyes. I remain my emotionless self though.

"Kahit huli na, humihingi pa rin ako ng tawad. Malaki ang nagawa naming kasalanan sa iyo and I will understand if you won't forgive us. I-I want to apologize because you deserve it."

I only stared at him blankly. I can see that he is genuinely sorry for what happened but I can't find forgiveness in my heart.

"Someone told me what happened to you these past years. Humihingi ako ng tawad, sobrang sobra ang pagsisisi ko. Everyone judges you without knowing what really happened..."

"I don't need to tell them what happened."

Nobody has ever apologized for the things they did to me and if they figured out what happened, how am I sure that their mercy will be on me? Baka pagtawanan at isisi lang nila sa akin ang lahat.

People are not yet ready to open this subject. This topic remains a stigma and a taboo. Sarado pa rin ang utak nila sa ganitong usapin. They will surely blame the victim.

"I know. Kaya tiniis mo nalang ang panghuhusga ng lahat. I'm sorry... Ngayon lang ako nagpakita dahil bago ko lang rin nalaman ang katotohanan. S-she... my cousin was taking drugs."

Umawang ang labi ko. She's what? Taking drugs? That's why she did that to me?

"But that's not enough reason to justify what she did to you. She was in rehabilitation for the past years at nang makalaya ay inamin n'ya sa akin ang lahat. I wanted to kill her. She was the reason why you hate me now. Siya ang sumira sa atin."

I shook my head, "You also ruined our relationship, Leigh. You ruined me."

"I-I'm sorry."

"I don't forgive you."

He smiles, "I understand, Ch~ Ace. I'm not forcing you to forgive me. Alam kong hindi madali para sa 'yo ito pero binigyan mo pa rin ako ng pagkakataon upang makausap kita at makahingi ng tawad sa 'yo."

"Are you done?"

Sa totoo lang ay gumaan ang puso ko sa paguusap namin. Ang bagaheng dala dala ko ay unti unting natatanggal.

Magaan sa puso dahil sa wakas, I finally heard his apologies and regrets.

Finally, the apology I deserve.

"C-can we still be friends?"

Suminghap ako, nagulat sa sinabi n'ya.

"Kahit kaibigan lang muna? I missed you so much," muling tumulo ang luha n'ya, "i-I still love you. I think I won't ever get over you. Sa ilang taon na lumipas ay Ikaw pa rin ang laman ng puso ko. Believe me, I tried courting other women but I always go back to our memories. Binabalik ako sa masasaya nating alaala noon, mga bangayan, at sikretong halikan... I miss us. I miss my Charm."

I gritted my teeth. My heart became heavy. I don't know why I'm hurting.

Leigh is my first love. Akala ko noon ay siya rin ang magiging huling pag-ibig ko. We were young but we were sure that we will end up together. We planned out the future together. We promised to get married and have twin children.

But all those plans and promises will stay as plans and promises only because I don't love him anymore. Ang puso ko ay hindi na siya kilala.

"No. I don't want to be your friend, Leigh."

He bitterly chucked, "I understand."

"I need to go."

I was about to stand up when suddenly a man punched Leigh's face. Napahiga si Leigh sa sahig. Ang mga matiwasay na kumakain sa loob ay nagsisigawan.

"Dawn!" I shouted hysterically.

What is he doing here?! He even brought Console with him. Mabilis kong kinuha si Console na kakagatin sana si Leigh.

"What are you doing, Dawn?" mahina ngunit madiin kong tanong.

He poked the inside of his cheeks and walked away. Sinundan ko siya sa parking lot, dala dala si Console.

"Dawn! Mag-usap tayo!"

Bigla siyang tumigal at hinarap ako. My knees weakened with the way he glares at me... Nakakatakot ang dilim nito. Para bang sasaktan n'ya ako anumang oras.

I miss his eyes meeting mine with love and contentment... not this one.

"Do you want to explain?! Explain your fucking self!"

Napapikit ako sa lakas ng sigaw n'ya.

"W-we're not doing something bad. He just need to see me so he could apologize. He did something bad to me in the past."

Hindi siya nagsalita kaya nagpatuloy ako.

"We were ex lover. He was my first love but I don't love him anymore. He is one of the reasons why I became like this, na naging malandi ako."

I took a deep sigh and collected the courage to tell him everything.

"H-his cousins raped me..."

Tumingin ako sa mata n'ya. I looked for one emotion there but his eyes remain cold and angry.

"Are you being serious, Solace? Are you creating stories so I won't get mad at you, huh?"

Umawang ang labi ko. My eyes became wet because of the tears.

I can't believe him. I just told him my biggest nightmare at iyon ang sasabihin n'ya sa akin?

"Are you trying to gain my sympathy?"

My heart feels so heavy. Ang sakit sakit n'ya na.

"N-no..."

Mas lalong bumigat ang puso ko nang ihagis n'ya ang cellphone sa akin. Masiyadong malakas ang pagkahagis n'ya kaya natamaan ang dibdib ko. Nasaktan ako dahil sa pagkakahagis n'ya pero hindi matutumbasan noon ang sakit sa puso ko.

"And how will you fucking explain that?! You went to a club without telling me! You were also seen going out in your ex's car!"

Kumunot ang noo ko. Kitang kita sa larawan na umiiyak ako roon. Stan wasn't holding me or doing anything that could make him jealous. Medyo malayo rin ako sa kan'ya.

"I was crying here! Look, wala naman kaming ginagawang masama."

"Sa tingin mo ay mababawasan ang kasalanan mo?"

I sighed heavily and let my head drop.

"M-mali ko, I didn't inform you because I know you won't allow me and we fought that night...I need to unwind; to think. Magulo ang isip ko. I just need someone to comfort me."

"Damn it, Solace! Why won't you call me? I always call you when I need someone to console me..."

"Ayun na nga, Dawn! I'm always there for you to make you feel better! But you never did that to me. Palagi nalang ako! How about my emotions? How about my own breakdowns? You're so unfair," malakas akong umiyak, "Sarili mo lang ang iniisip mo. You only care about your mental health."

"Don't use that card to me! I didn't ask you to be my consolation in distress. You were the first one to approach me," seryoso n'yang saad.

"Yes because I fucking emphasize you! Naiintindihan ko ang pinanggalingan mo. I fucking understand you... Pero noong nasa relasiyon na tayo, nakakapagod ka na Dawn. Y-you are too dependent on me. Ni minsan ba naisip mo na kailangan din kita? And don't tell me that I didn't try to open up, I always tried! Pero katulad ng mga nauna ay binalewala mo ulit ako! You invalidate and dismissed my feelings countless times."

Hiningal ako sa sunod sunod na sinabi.

"I am your handkerchief when you cry, but when I cry? You always have reasons to dismiss my emotions. Na para bang hindi kagaya kong nasasaktan sa tuwing umiiyak ka. You made me feel like crying is a bad thing."

I look straight in his eyes. I can't see love in his eyes anymore. Puno 'yon ng galit, sakit, at pagkalito... lahat para sa akin.

"Loving you is exhausting. I-I'm tired of being your Solace. Pagod na pagod na akong mahalin ka, Dawn. Sobrang nakakapagod."

"Pagod ka na pala. Bakit pa natin 'to pinagpapatuloy?" hamon n'ya.

"B-bakit nga ba? Kasi mahal kita, eh."

"Pero pagod ka na."

He said those words na parang inaakala n'ya ay hindi ako bibitaw. Kasi alam n'yang mahal na mahal ko siya at kahit gaano man ako nasasaktan ngayon ay pipiliin ko pa rin siya.

Tama siya, pagod na ako.

"Let's end this."

Umawang ang bibig n'ya, hindi makapaniwala.

He's always welcome to come back, but for now, I'll let go. I'll get hurt if I stay in this relationship. Magkaka sakitan lang kami.

"I-It's so easy for you to let go of me."

"Sa iyo na rin nanggaling. Bakit pa natin pinagpapatuloy ito kung pagod na ako sa 'yo?" walang humpas ang pagtulo ng luha ko, "P-pagod na pagod ako sa 'yo. I'm tired of this relationship... You are too toxic to me. I'm too much for you. I can't handle you anymore. I need a break from you and your emotions."

May tumulo na rin na luha sa mga mata n'ya.

I'm sorry, my Dawn. I'm choosing myself this time.

"N-no, baby... You are joking, right? Please, no."

He tried to reach for my hands but I stepped back.

"A-ayoko na, Dawn. Pagod na ako."

"I-I'm sorry for tiring you," he wiped his tears, "Hindi na ako iiyak. Hindi na ako magiging mahina. I'll be responsible for my own breakdown."

My heart breaks with him. I'm sorry. This is for us. Kailangan kong mawala sa paningin mo para matuto kang lumaban mag-isa. I'm doing this for both of us.

"I love you, please... L-look, I'm not crying anymore. H-hindi na ulit ako tatawag sa 'yo if that's what you want. I will be a man with principle. Hindi na ako magiging pabigat sa 'yo. Baby, p-please... Huwag ganito. Hindi ko kaya," he sniffled between words.

Umiling ako habang patuloy na umaagos ang luha.

"Baby..." hinang hina n'yang wika.

"T-tama na, Dawn. Bitawan na natin ang isat Isa."

"I'm begging you... D-don't leave me."

He kneeled in front of me. Nagulat ako sa ginawa n'ya. I tried to stop him pero nag matigas siya.It pains me to see him kneeling and begging just so I won't leave him.

I don't want to let him go but I have to.

"Y-you promise me... You said you will stay. B-baby... You promise me."

"I'm sorry for making you whole and ruining you again."

He pleadingly looks at me. Hinuli n'ya ang kamay ko. Para akong mawawasak sa sobrang higpit ng hawak n'ya.

"You can ruin me..."

Pilit kong pinatatag ang sarili ko at umiling nang paulit ulit.

"Nakakapagod pala ang sobrang pagiintindi, Dawn..."

I slowly pushed his hands away. Nanginig ang labi n'ya at ang mata ay nawalan ng pag-asa. Sunod sunod ang pagtulo ng luha n'ya.

For the last time, I hug him. I rested my head on his chest. Ramdam ko ang lakas ng kabog ng puso n'ya.

"I don't regret loving you. I don't regret taking good care of you. Being your solace while I'm breaking is not worth trying but I don't regret anything."

Filling someone's cup while my cup is empty is not worth trying. Dapat pala ay hinilom ko muna ang sugat ko bago pumasok sa isang relasyon. We both ended up hurting each other for trying to fill each other's cups. It's not worth trying because while I'm healing him, I didn't realize I'm breaking myself.

Tiningala ko ang ulo ko dahilan para tumama ang mata ko sa mata n'ya. His eyes are filled with pain and betrayal.

Ang luha sa mata n'ya ay tumulo papuntang pisngi ko.

"I mean when I said those three words. I love you, Dawn... Mahal na mahal kita," I continued talking despite my shaking voice, "I'm sorry. I can't save you anymore. I-I can't save us."

Bumitaw ako sa yakap. And for the last time, I kiss his lips. Dinama ko ang sakit at sarap ng halik n'ya.

"I am proud of you, Dawn. Mahal na mahal kita."

Ang sikip ng dibdib ko. Ang sakit sakit. Mahal ko siya pero nakakalason siya sa pagkatao ko. Gusto kong umabot kami sa altar pero parang malabo na.

Maybe... just maybe, we will meet in another book. Where both of us are healed.

"Our story will end here. Thank you for giving me amazing chapters. Ikaw ang pinaka magandang plot twist na nangyari sa libro ko, Dawn. I love you until the last page of our book."

Umigting ang panga n'ya. Puno ng sakit ang mata n'ya. Basang basa ang pisngi n'ya ng luha. Tumayo siya at pinunasan iyon.

"I love you,... not just today but every second of my eternity."

Napatakip ako ng bibig sa narinjg. I cried, not knowing when will I hear those words after this again.

"I will heal my scars so the next woman I will love will not get tired of me."

He will heal before loving another woman. Hindi 'yon malabong mangyari.

My heart clenched. I smile despite my trembling lips.

"The next woman I will love will meet the best version of me."

Tumango ako. That's good.

Be better for someone else, my love.

"I'm signing off as your consolation In Distress."

His fist clenched.

"I will find my next Solace and It's not you anymore."

Patuloy ang pag agos ng luha ko habang nakikita ang paglakad n'ya palayo sa akin.

I have to stop myself from running toward him. Kailangan kong panindigan ang decision ko. I have to be brave enough to let him go.

Ganito pala kasakit makita ang mahal ko na unti unting nawawala sa paningin ko.

I wipe my tears and diverted my sight to Console. Kanina pa pala siya tumatahol sa tabi ko.

Lumuhod ako, "H-hey, buddy. Take care of my man, okay? Be with him everywhere he goes. H-huwag kang mapapagod at mawala sa kan'ya."

Tumulo na naman ang luha ko! I'm not just letting go of Dawn. I'm also saying goodbye to Console.

"Thank you for being there with him when I wasn't in his life yet. He will be left alone again... Don't leave him, hmm?"

I covered my mouth to prevent myself from crying loudly.

"S-sige na, sundan mo na ang amo mo. Take care of him for me, hmm?" I hug him, "It was great meeting the two of you."

Walang nagtangkang kumausap sa akin nang makarating ako sa bahay. They might have seen my swollen eyes. Umiyak lang ako buong gabi. I poured out my emotions.

Letting him go was the bravest yet the most painful thing I did. I love him. He is my everything. He is my life. That's why I'm suffering. Kung wala lang kaming masalimuot na nakaraan ay siguro hindi kami aabot sa ganito. We will be a happy family in the future. We will built a comfortable home for our children. We will serve and worship Him together.

But it will never happen. I hurt him. He hurt me. We are just hurting each other.

Pero sana ay kapag pwede na, pwede pa.

I feel like I got the worst problem because of the heaviness in my heart. Sobrang sakit, tipong naghahanap ako ng pisikal na sakit. I don't want to harm myself that's why I went to Twitter.

@DarknessinSolace
Until love finds its way into my heart again,
Until the sunrise turns into  sunsets,
Until the torch consume the darkness,
Until the next book, D.
I will be running to you, my favorite sunset.

Reni messaged me first. Akala ko ay siya lang ang mag chachat sa akin pero sunod sunod na dumating ang pangangamusta. My DM was filled with my friends' concerns. They are asking how I am because of that tweet. I didn't respond but one message caught my attention.

@Shaira🌷
Why did you hurt him? Ang sama sama mo, Ace.

Napahagulhol ako sa nabasa. Halos lahat ng nag-message sa akin ay kinakamusta ako at nagtatanong kung ano ang nangyari.

I'm sorry, Shai. Did I disappoint you?

Mas lalo akong napahagulhol ng mabasa ang status ni Dawn.

"Until love is worth trying again. I will heal and be better for the next woman I will love."

Another tear dropped upon seeing who commented first.

You don't have to heal alone. I'll be with you and I promise, I won't get tired of you.

It's from my best friend.