"I want to be a teacher like my mama!" I giggled.

Naramdaman kong hinalikan ni Leigh ang aking leeg at mas lalong siniksik ang kan'yang mukha roon.

"Hmm... Of course, Charm. You will teach our five children."

Ngumuso ako. We are too young to plan this stuff but this is just a plan! Wala naman kaming balak na gawin agad iyon.

"Five children?" I bit my lower lip, wondering if I could take it."That's too much."

Leigh chuckled, "I want five children but if my Charm doesn't want it, then we'll go with your plans. That's your body."

Napangiti ako sa sagot n'ya. I honestly want twin children, lalaki at babae. I want them to grow up close like me and my sister. Para sa tuwing may umaaway sa Isa, may magtatanggol. They will be partners in everything.

I smiled at that thought. Leigh noticed it. Umangat ang kan'yang mukha para titigan ako.

"Why is my lovely charm smiling?"

"Nothing. Just a random imagination."

"Hmm. What is it?"

Napatili ako ng binuhat n'ya ako at pinaharap sa kan'ya. I am straddling his lap.

"I want twin children," pagamin ko.

Sumingkit ang kan'yang mata nang ilang segundo at napangiti na rin.

"I want that, too."

His face went closer and slowly, he kissed me.

"We will have twins after 10 years. You will teach them while I'm working hard for our family. I will go home and wake up with my lovely wife and my naughty twins..." hinalikan n'ya ang tungki ng aking ilong, "I can't wait to spend my seconds with you and our future twins."

I went back into reality when I felt him hold my hands. I immediately remove his hands and glared at him.

"D-don't you fucking touch me!"

He sighed, "How are you, Charn?"

Napapikit ako nang mariin. His voice changed. Naging mas malalim ito and his adam's apple became too visible.

"W-what are you doing here?" balik na tanong ko.

"Charm, I have to ~"

"Shut up! Umalis ka na, Leigh!"

Umiling siya at determinadong humakbang palapit. Napaatras ako sa ginawa n'ya.

"I know everything now. I am sorry, Charm."

I gritted my teeth, "Umalis ka na."

He shook his head.

"Damn! I said leave! Fucking leave this house!"

I suddenly remember how he made me leave that day.

Tinaboy n'ya ako na parang hindi n'ya ako minahal.

Pinaalis n'ya ako na parang walang ginawang masama ang pinsan n'ya sa akin.

"I don't want to see your face! Naiintindihan mo ba? I fucking hate your voice. Leave! Umalis ka na."

"Please? Let's~"

"I said leave before I lose my patience."

Malungkot siyang tumango, "I'm sorry. But I will come back, Charm. Babalik ako."

Mabilis kong sinara ang pintuan at sinandal ang likod doon. I heaved a heavy and long sigh.
He is back. Leigh is back. Does that mean s-she is also back? My hands trembled with the thought of seeing her.

Hindi ko pa kaya.

I admit I haven't moved on from it.

I can't, I still can't. I remember every single detail.

Her smirks, her touch, her voice, her eyes, her kisses... Everything... was just so clear.

The trauma will remain with me forever. The scars will always be there. But deep inside me wishes to be healed. To learn to forget those memories. It's hard to live with it.

Mahirap at masakit. Matagal na 'yon nangyari pero tandang tanda ko pa rin.

"Hey."

I flinched.

Here.

The man who's changed my perspective not just in love but also in life: that after years of living with darkness, I can still carry a torchlight in my hands.

"What's wrong? Is everything fine?"

I can lose anyone, not just him. Sa libong taong sumubok sa akin, siya lang ang naging lagi ko.

Tipid akong ngumiti at niyakap siya. I closed my eyes, "Thank you for existing."

Dawn did not bring back my sparks because I didn't lose them. It was just there, hiding and afraid to show again.

Hindi n'ya iyon binalik, binuhay n'ya muli 'yon sa kan'yang katauhan.

"Mahal na mahal kita."

"I love you, too... not just today but every second of my eternity."

"Huwag mo akong iiwan. Huwag muna... huwag na."

Dawn constantly had breakdowns than before. Mas madalas akong lumiban sa klase dahil bigla siyang tumatawag na umiiyak at hinahanap ako.

Aaminin ko, medyo nakakapagod but I would rather get tired than see him suffer alone. It pains me to see him cry. And I understand him. Naiintindihan ko ang pinanggagalingan n'ya. We're both haunted by our past.
The past that we didn't choose.
Kaya naiintindihan ko ang lahat. I will understand him as much as I can and even if I can't... pipilitin ko.

"Palagi ka nalang lumiliban sa klase, ah. May problema ba?"

Even Reni and Shai noticed my absence.

Umiling lang ako bilang sagot.

"Are you sure? You know you can trust us, right?" si Shai.

I smiled, "I know. Don't worry about me, okay? Everything is good."

"Noong naging kayo ni Dawn, mas naging okay ka ngang tignan pero sa klase, hindi. Don't tell me."

Reni suspiciously looked at me. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at pinakyuhan.

"Seriously? You can do that at another time, Ace! May free time para sa gan'yang bagay!" bulyaw ni Shai.

I rolled my eyes at both of them.

"Ang overacting n'yo talaga! We're not doing something bad, okay?!"

"Eh, ano pala?"

I sighed. Should I tell them?

Bahala na nga.

"Emergency lang. He needs me to be on his side. It was important, so..." I shrugged.

"To the point that you can't take our quizzes?"

"Hindi naman sa kontrabida ako sa inyo pero sis, you're giving yourself too much."
Shaira nodded, "He's not taking advantage of you naman, right?"

"Of course not!" mabilis kong sagot, "I'm his girlfriend so I will be there with him through thick and thin."

"Mauubos ka n'yan. I'm telling you. I've been there before."

Umiling ako, "I know my boundaries. Kapag pagod, then I will rest. He's not asking for anything else but to be his consolation in distress."

Malalim ang iniisip ko habang nakatingala sa kisame ng aking kuwarto. Reni and Shai's words kept on repeating In my mind.

Doon ko palang naramdaman ang matinding pagod nang matapos namin mag-usap.

Sobrang nakakapagod nga pala talagang maging sandalan ng iba habang kailangan ko rin ng masasandalan.

To be someone's shoulder to lean on while I can't even lean on my own is draining.

Pero ayoko ang pakiramdam na mapagod sa kan'ya. Parang hindi nararapat iyon maramdaman dahil hindi dapat. Ayokong dumating sa puntong iiyak ako sa sobrang pagod sa kan'ya at mas lalong ayokong dumating sa puntong susukuan ko siya.

I don't want to give up on him kaya habang kaya ko pa, patuloy pa rin akong tatakbo para itahan ang kan'yang pag tangis. I will wipe his tears. Rub his back. Hug him so tight. Huwag lang akong mapagod nang tuluyan.

"You have to take your removal, Ms. Ramuro."

Napaawang ang bibig ko sa narinig.

Fuck it.

"Your exam results are on the unsatisfactory level. Plus, you have lots of missing activities and quizzes. May mga record ka rin ng cutting," umiling iling na wika ni Mrs. Gajdka.

Yumuko ako sa sobrang hiya.

"You know that this is the last semester before you proceed to grade 12, doon mo pa naisipang pabayaan ang pag-aaral mo. Is everything fine in your home? Perhaps in yourself?"

Lahat nalang tinatanong kung okay ba ako. Mapakla akong tumawa. Is it too obvious?

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Babawi nalang ako sa removal."

"You should. This is your last straw. It's either you'll pass or fail."

Pagod akong lumabas ng office.
This is my first time experiencing this shit. I might be a brat before but I care about my studies. Mukha lang akong pariwala at walang pake sa pag-aaral pero ni minsan hindi ko naranasan ang bumagsak.

Ngayon lang.

Tangina.

Wala naman na akong magagawa. I just have to study all night long. I also need to borrow Shai's notes since I missed some discussions.

"Charm..."

My feet automatically stopped upon hearing a familiar voice.

Not know. Please

"Please... let's talk."

I took a deep sigh. I can't make a scene here.

Hindi ko pinansin si Leigh at dumiretso sa paglalakad ngunit hindi pa ako nakakadalawang hakbang nang maramdaman ko ang kamay n'ya.

"Ano ba, Leigh! Bitawan mo ako."

"Talk to me, Charm. Please..."

""Wala tayong dapat pang pagusapan," he looked at me with pity, "Bitawan mo ako."

"Just an hour, please... Charm, I need to talk to you."

"Putangina. Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi? I don't want to talk to you! Ni makita ang mukha mo ay kinasusuklaman ko!"

"This isn't you," hindi n'ya makapaniwalang wika, "You were my soft and clingy baby back then. You don't curse, you don't shout, you were my innocent girl."

I bitterly chucked, "Ang kapal ng mukha mo."

I stop the urge to cry in front of him. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba o sakit ang dahilan ng pamumuo ng aking luha.

I just couldn't believe what he said. After what they did to me? He's expecting me to be that version of myself again?

Galit ako dahil nagpakita ulit siya. I'm slowly building the life that they took. Ngayon ko palang naranasan ang mga bagay na dapat nararanasan ko noon.

Parang pinaranas n'ya lang sa akin na sumaya sa kaonting oras at pinaramdam n'ya ulit ang mga bagay na naramdaman ko noon: sakit, takot, lungkot, pangamba, galit, at kawalan ng kapanatagan.

"You are the worst person, Leigh. Much worst than I thought... You are a monster, a demon hiding in angel clothes."

His eyes watered. I refuse to recognize the heaviness inside.

Nakakainis. I still have a soft spot for him. Half of my heart remains as his charm... natutulog, naghihintay na may pumukaw.

"You shouldn't have come back. You don't have a place here, you don't belong here. Walang lugar ang mga walang puso rito... mga halimaw."

Mabilis akong tumalikod at halos tinakbo ang kabilang kalye. I was out of breath. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa takbo-lakad na ginawa ko o sa nangyari.

Wow. This day is fucking wonderful.

All of my systems feel like shutting down.

Pakiramdam ko kahit ang katawan ko ay sumuko na sa akin. Sa sobrang daming nangyari, my body refused to recognize every feeling I had. All I want is to sleep and wake up when everything's fixed.

"What a miracle. You're studying?"

I decided to study when I went home. I should focus on passing my exam. This is my last straw, kung hindi ako papasa ay babagsak ako nang tuluyan.

I heaved an exhausting sigh, "What?"

Pagod na pagod ang utak ko sa pag-aaral nang dalawang oras. Yes. I only studied for two hours yet my brain already feels tired.

Ganoon na ba kahina ang utak ko? Ang bobo.

Or maybe I'm not used to it. Kadalasan sa tuwing may exam na paparating ay nakakapag-review lang ako sa paaralan, tuwing nagtatanungan sila Shaira at Reni ay roon lang din ako nakakapag-aral. Hindi naman kasi importante sa akin na makakuha ng mataas na score, ang makapasa lang ay okay na sa akin. If I get the highest score, then good. Bonus lang iyon.

"Ano'ng what? Your boyfriend is in the living room."

"Huh?"

"He looks like exploding from madness, Ace."

Realization hits me. Damn! I forgot to at least message him.

Masiyadong naging akupado ang utak ko sa nangyari at sa mga kailangan kong gawin.

I forgot I have a boyfriend to update.

Dali dali akong lumabas ng kuwarto.

Dawn is sitting in our living room, arms crossed in his chest and eyes looking at me darkly.

I gulped at the sight of him.

"Uhm, I-I forgot to text you. Nagmamadali kasi ako kanina. I'm sorry."

Hindi siya nag salita.

"Pinatawag ako ng teacher ko kanina at sinabing kailangan kong mag take ng removal exam. I was reviewing," I explained. Of course, I didn't tell him about what happened next to it.

"I waited for more than an hour."

Tumaas ang balahibo ko sa sobrang lamig ng boses n'ya.

"I'm really sorry... I was stressed earlier," I whispered in the last sentence.

I am hoping that he would comfort me with the last sentence I uttered but he kept quiet.

Baka hindi n'ya narinig? Masiyadong mahina ang pagkakasabi ko.

"I text you when I'm stressed, still."

I bitterly chucked, "Of course, you will."

"What?"

"Wala."

"And now you're mad at me?"

"Hindi ako galit, Dawn."

"Tsk."

Bumuntong hininga ako and didn't let my pride rule over me.

Kahit ito lang, aayusin ko. I have a lot of things to fix. Kahit ang sa amin lang muna ni Dawn ang maayos ko.

"I'm sorry. Bati na tayo?" malambing kong wika.

I can't fix everything on one plate. Napapagod din naman ako.

Ako nalang palagi ang nag-aayos ng mga sirang bagay, kahit hindi ko naman gustong sirain o hindi lang ako ang dahilan ng pagkakasira.

I have to fix everything or else I will blame myself for not fixing it too soon.

"Sorry na po. Promise, babawi ako. Hmm... What about a date after I passed my exam?"

"And what about if you failed?"

I pouted and pinched his shoulder, "Ang sama!"

"I'm just kidding. I know you'll pass it."

"Ang confident mo naman. Baka mag jinx."

He cupped my face and give me a smack kiss, "You will pass, okay? I have trust in you, baby."

Napakagat labi ako. He looked at it. I saw his adam apple move. Until unti ay nilapat n'ya ang kan'yang labi sa akin.

At first, it was just a simple kiss and then it became sensual. He bit my lip to enter my mouth. He explores every bit of it.

"I don't want a date after your exam."

"Huh?" gulo kong tanong, medyo hinihingal pa.

"I want to have a date tonight."

I distance my face from him and creased my forehead.

"I still have to review for my exam, Dawn."

"Please? I promise you I will take you home early."

"But~"

"We'll just eat. I haven't eaten anything yet."

He held my hand and squeeze it.

I don't want to say yes to him. Kailangan ko talagang mag-aral dahil hindi naman ako matalino para umasa sa stock knowledge. I don't pay attention during discussions.

But he looks like he will get mad again at me if I won't eat with him tonight.

May kasalanan din naman ako sa kan'ya. It's okay to agree with him, right?

"Just an hour?"

"Yes. Just an hour, baby."

"Fine. Let's have a date."