tw / / mention of self-harm, R-18, anxiety attack

"How are you living alone?" Tatay asked as he swallowed his food.

Ngumiti nang tipid si Dawn, "Nothing's change, Pastor. All good."

My family planned to have a family lunch,  nagulat nalang ako nang sinabi nilang tawagan ko raw si Dawn para sabihin na sumabay sa amin ngayon.

"Mabuti kung ganoon. Nasanay ka na rin naman at hindi nag tanim ng sama ng loob sa mga magulang mo."

"I am alone almost half of my age kaya n-nasanay na rin po."

Hinawakan ko ang kamay n'ya upang ipaalam na ayos lang kahit hindi n'ya sagutin ang mga tanong ni Tatay. I can see in his eyes that he's not comfortable talking about this topic. He's hesitating to answer all the questions thrown to him but because the questions came from my father, he answered even if it means opening up a part of his wound.

I know that all his triggers are caused by his family or if not, maybe they're just part of it.

It is not easy to talk about something that brings back bad memories that could trigger negative emotions. Hindi madaling balikan ang nakaraan lalo na at hindi maganda ang dulot nito sa atin.

It's not just about reminiscing the memories, it's also about turning the scars into a wound again.

Good thing that I had diverted the topic immediately bago pa mahalata ni Tatay na hindi interesado si Dawn sa pagsagot sa mga katanungan n'ya.

"Parehas pala tayong mahilig sa patis," tumawa si Tatay.

"Opo, Pastor. I loved to partner it with everything I eat."

Siniko ako ni Yves, "But you don't like it, hindi kayo compatible," she whispered, enough for me to hear.

"Hindi mahilig si Ace sa gan'yan, kahit ang amoy ay hindi kayang tagalan," si Mama at tumingin sa akin, "Look at her, she's almost can't inhale. Ayaw n'ya talaga sa amoy, mabaho raw."

Kunot-noo naman akong binalingan ni Dawn. His jaw clenched yet his eyes softened.

Nilayo n'ya ang patis sa akin, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's fine! Don't worry about me."

I don't want him to adjust for me. If it's his favorite, then I'll try to like it. Kahit hindi na ang lasa, ang amoy nalang.

"That's impossible..."

Ngumuso ako para pigilan ang ngiti.

"I have another mask, use it."

He handed me a disposable mask. Tinanggap ko na 'yon dahil sa totoo lang ay hindi ko matagalan ang amoy ng patis. Nahihilo ako at nasusuka sa tuwing nasisinghap ko ang amoy.

"Don't remove it until I finished this, okay?" he uttered as he fixed my mask.

I nodded. Nang binalik ko ang tingin kay Tatay ay malayo at malalim ang tingin n'ya sa amin, na parang may malalim na Iniisip.

"Mahal..." Mama squeezed his hand, bigla naman siyang natauhan.

He awkwardly cleared his throat and smiled at me, a smile that screams "I'm proud of you". And like the old times, I smiled back.

Sa lahat ng magagandang nangyari sa akin ay ang panunumbalik ng closeness namin ni Tatay ang Isa sa mga pinakagusto ko. I can still feel the awkwardness between us, especially when we talked about serious things but I'm trying not to show it to him. I want to be comfortable like how I was comfortable with him before.

Kasalukuyan kaming naglalakad ngayon sa mall dahil nag-request si Yves na pumunta muna kami rito bago kami umuwi. I and Dawn were at the back, just following my family.

"Don't wear a too-short skirt next time," Dawn said out of nowhere.

He tightened his grip on my waist and sighed dramatically.

"This is not too short..."

Hindi Ito ganoon kaikli kumpara sa mga usual skirt na sinusuot ko.

He stared at me darkly with his jaw clenched.

"What? Come on, this is normal."

We are not living in the '90s. There's nothing wrong with my skirt. Kahit pa naka panty lang ako rito ay dapat hindi ginagawang big deal ang pagsusuot nang ganitong kaikling skirt. I didn't wear this to show up or to make boys look at me, I wore this because I'm comfortable with this. I feel attractive when I'm in these clothes.

"You know that we're going to a mall, a lot of people are looking at you, especially boys."

"It's not my fault anymore," I said coldly at naunang lumakad ngunit mabilis n'ya akong nahabol.

"Solace!" he said, gritting his teeth, "I was just protecting~"

"I don't need your protection!"

"Really?" he smirked without humor, "I am your boyfriend. It is only my responsibility to protect you from the eyes of prey."

"I can protect myself."

"But, I can too!"

"Save your protection for yourself."

Nagtitimpi n'ya akong tinignan.

"Fine."

I never hear anything from him after that argument. Ang malalim na paghinga n'ya lang ang tanging naririnig ko na kahit sa loob ng sasakyan ay wala pa rin kaming imikang dalawa.

"You fight, 'no?" Yves asked as we arrived at our house.

Tumulong si Dawn kay Tatay sa pagbubuhat ng mga pinamili kanina kaya nakahanap si Yves ng tiyempong lumapit sa akin.

"Yeah," walang gana kong sagot.

"Why?"

"Because I'm wearing this skirt. Masiyadong maikli raw."

She was quiet for a minute, like she was trying to understand both of our points.

"You're comfortable with what you wear while he's uncomfortable... Normal lang na magalala siya sa 'yo but it's not normal na pagbawalan ka n'ya. It's not his body to begin with. Although he is worried, he doesn't have to decide for you. Hindi mo naman kasalanan kung mabastos ka. You're just simply wearing it without the intention of gaining boys' attention."

"That's what I'm trying to say to him."

"But also, you're his girlfriend. It's either you stopped wearing your usual clothes to avoid fights like this or continue wearing it, after all, gan'yan naman talaga ang sinusuot mo kahit hindi mo pa siya kilala. He just have to deal with it."

But the thing is I don't want to start a fight again. I can just easily adjust than argue with him all the time. I badly want this relationship to work out at kung walang magpapatalo sa amin, this relationship will be a mess. Ako nalang... para tumagal pa ang relasiyon namin.

"Sa kuwarto na muna ako, pakisabi sa kan'ya."

Dumiretso ako sa comfort room at nagbihis ng pambahay na damit. I was about to go out when my mind remember the only thing that could calm me. Mabilis kong kinuha ang box sa loob.

As I stare at my collection, a wave of pain lingered in my heart. What am I doing for the past years? Bakit ang dami kong ganito?

I wanted to apologize to myself for being not honest with my feelings. Sinasabi ko sa ibang tao na walang dapat ikabahala sa akin dahil okay lang ako pero sa tuwing nag-iisa ako ay may matalim na bagay na dumidiin sa maputi at malambot kong daliri.

Emotions are confusing when you're not aware of what's happening to you. For a minute, you are emotionally wrecked then turn out not feeling anything, literally numb and because of that, there's this urge to physically hurt yourself.

And yeah, that's how my depression works. When I'm emotionally and mentally hurt, I'm looking for physical pain.

My depression is telling me that I'm not worthy to be in this world, that I should stop myself from breathing and just die completely. My past panic attacks are telling me that whatever I do, my nightmares will follow my shadows, that they have eyes on me and just watching me from behind. And at some point, I get tired of hoping that everything will be okay. I just look at the ceiling of my room and let the things come and go dahil pagod na akong umasa, pagod na akong maging pagod.

"I'm proud of you..." I whispered to myself.

I badly want to give up not because I'm not capable to fight these feelings, but because I'm tired of feeling these feelings. And every time I feel that way, harming myself is the only solution I could think of.

And seeing these sharp things, I could say that I didn't miss the feeling of it in my skin. It's been a long time but I'm not longing for the physical pain anymore.

Yes, I'm proud of what I've become and didn't regret doing those things.

All of my scars don't represent weakness, it represents the battles that I fought.

"Solace?"

Mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro kong pinunasan ang luha sa mata ko at binalik ang box sa lalagyan. I washed my face para hindi mahalata na naluha ako and finally opened the door.

"Hey."

Naabutan ko siyang nakaupo sa kama ko habang nililibot ang paningin. His sight stopped in me and stared coldly.

"You left me."

"I'm sorry. Nagbihis lang ako."

"Nagbihis but you're still showing your legs."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa inasal n'ya, "I'm at my house, Dawn."

"Yeah, sure..." he said, still a bit pissed.

I sighed problematically.

"Dawn, please... What do you want me to do?"

Gusto n'ya ba na leggings nalang ang isuot ko?

"Nothing. It's fine."

Lumapit ako sa kan'ya at tumayo sa pagitan ng mga hita n'ya.

"I'm sorry, please? Nasa bahay lang naman ako. No one can see me like this."

Tumingala siya sa akin habang ang braso n'ya ay nakayakap sa aking bewang. He sighed.

"I am also sorry. I just don't want my girl being exposed to other men. They might take your clothes in a wrong, na baka gusto isipin nilang naaaliw ka sa attention na binibigay nila."

I nodded, "I know po, sorry."

"You should only want my attention and nothing more."

I prevent myself from smiling, "Yes. Your attention only matters."

He smiled like he was relieved that I understand his point. My eyes suddenly focused on his lips, I unconsciously bit mine.

"But when we're alone, it's fine when I'm not wearing anything," I sexually said.

His eyes widened, gulat na gulat sa  sinabi ko. I'm just playing around! Though I can feel my inside is throbbing especially when his Adam's apple move.

"We're in your house."

Tumaas ang kilay ko, "Hmm? They won't bother entering my room and the door is locked."

Mas lalong humigpit ang hawak n'ya sa bewang ko.

"Ayaw mo ba?" I pouted and caressed his clenching jaw.

Halata ang pagpipigil sa kan'ya. To tease him more, I move his right hand inside my clothes and place it on my boobs. May suot pa rin akong bra pero ramdam ko ang init na dulot nito.

"Hmm," I moaned and kissed his lips.

That was his last straw. Binuhat n'ya ako at hiniga sa kama habang naghahalikan.

"You're such a big tease."

He was on top of me and stared at me darkly. Lust and desire are visible in his eyes. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang pagkasabik.

He kissed my forehead and nose passionately before he kissed my lips wildly.

"Ahh," I moaned when he bit my lips so he could explore my mouth.

Our tongues fought with each other until I was out of breath. Hindi man lang siya hiningal sa matinding halikan dahil tumungo ang kan'yang labi sa aking leeg. He licked and sucked it

"D-don't leave a mark~Ahh!"

He bit my earlobe while his hand moves down and entered my clothes. Wala pang isang minuto ay nahubad n'ya na ang aking damit.

His hand cupped my breast while his lips went back to my lips. My nipples hardened and my fold got wetter and wetter. Hindi ko namalayan na nahubad n'ya na aking bra. He licked his lips while looking at my exposed chest.

Slowly, he reached for my nipples using his thumb. Pinaikot n'ya iyon.

Napapikit ako sa sa sobrang sarap.

"You love this?" he asked huskily.

"F-fuck... Yes, Dawn."

He smirked and without a second, his lips are now sucking my breast.

"Ahhh!"

Ang kan'yang kamay ay gumalaw pababa hanggang sa narating nito ang suot kong short. He expertly removed it while his lips are busy working with my boobs. Naramdaman ko na rin ang underwear ko na nasa tuhod ka na.

"Ohh, f-fuck... Dawn."

I moaned when he inserted one finger inside of me, without alerting me! I don't know where to focus anymore! Kung sa labi ba n'yang ginawang lollipop ang dibdib ko o sa eksperto n'yang daliri. All I know is both of the two are fucking heaven!

"D-dawn... Fuck!" I moaned again when he inserted another finger and stroked me fastly.

I grinded my hips along with the rhythm of his fingers.

"Damn, you're hot..." he whispered.

Mas lalong bumilis ang galaw ng daliri n'ya kaya mas lalong bumilis ang paghinga ko. Mas uminit pa ang pakiramdam ko nang kinagat n'yang ang utong ko!

Fuck! Damn you, Damon Wneo.

"I-I'm coming... F-fuck."

Mas binilisan n'ya ang galaw.

I want him to fill me already! I want his cock thrusting me, harder and deeper. I want my room to be filled with our moans.

Mabilis n'yang iniwan ang aking dibdib at pamagitna sa aking hita upang matikman ang katas sa aking pagkababae. I moaned when his tongue cleans up my folds. Akala ko ay tapos na kami but I saw him removing his clothes and his pants.

"Damn," I whispered after seeing the hardness after he removed his boxer.

Alam ko naman na malaki iyon noon pa man pero iba ang kalakihan nito sa harapan ng mismong dalawang mata ko.

I want to hold it and play with it. I want to taste and tease the tip of his manhood. I want every bit of it.

I wonder what size he is? Kakasya ba?

I gulped with my thoughts.

"I want to fill you with my juices, can I?" he asked while he slowly positions himself on top of me.

I don't know why I'm nervous! This is not my first time!

"Y-yes."

He kissed my forehead and nose passionately before entering his manhood inside of me. We both moan in unison.

"B-baby, fuck."

"Harder... please," I pleaded.

His hands are playing with my boobs while his lips are kissing my neck, collarbone, and lips. Palipat-lipat siya ng halik, walang pinapalampas kahit ano.

"Fuck..." he let out a shaky moan when I grinded with him.

"Oh, fuck!"

He thrust harder and deeper. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang haba at taba sa loob ko at higit sa lahat ay mas lalo akong nabasa, napansin n'ya iyon kaya mas lalong bumilis ang paggalaw n'ya. Takam na takam na malabasan ako!

And his wish is my command... I let out a long moan when I felt my release.

"F-fuck... Dawn."

Ilang segundo nang malabasan ako ay sumunod naman siya. His juices filled my insides.

"Baby... F-fuck, Solace."

He was panting hard while resting on top of me.

"I love you not just today but every  second of my eternity."

I smiled, "Mahal din kita, sobra."

It is more exciting to have intercourse with someone you love because it just does not involve lust and desire, It involved respect and love.

"Mahal na mahal kita, Dawn."

He was humming while his right hand is resting on my thigh. Buti na lang ay nakasuot ako ng sweatpants kung hindi ay baka mas lalong nagsitaasahan ang mga balahibo ko.

"You tired?" he asked genuinely.

Ngumuso ako nang biglang naalala ang ginawa namin kanina.

I didn't exert too much effort earlier like I usually do because he did the honor, he was on top and at work.

I wonder kung kailan ko naman mararanasan ang maging sa ibabaw n'ya and he will be submissive with my order... in bed.

Bigla akong namula. I shook my head to slip away my thoughts and to answer his question as well.

"I've never done that before..."

I suddenly felt guilty. It's his first time while I experienced having sex countless times.

"i-I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry of. Being your first doesn't matter as long I'm your last man. That's what matters the most."

My heart softened with his assuring words.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too not just today but every fucking second of my eternity," he replied.

Magkahawak kamay kaming lumabas ng sasakyan. We were both smiling from ear to ear but his smile faded upon seeing the door of his house is slightly open.

"Fucking sh"t."

I can feel the panic in his voice while he tightened his grip on my hand. Mas bumilis ang lakad namin hanggang sa makarating kami sa pintuan at tuluyang binuksan iyon.

I saw a woman's back and I can say that she's in her 30s. She has an hourglass body, fair skin, and red long hair.

Likod palang ay maganda na...

I confirmed that she is beautiful when she turned around. Her nose is perfectly built with her thin and square face. A smirk plastered on her lips when she took a glance at the man beside me.

"Hey, baby boy..." she uttered while biting her lips, "Honey, your dear son is here."

But even if she's beautiful, I can sense the danger inside of her. She looks pleasing outside but something about her screams demonic power. She likes pleasure that she'll do everything just to make herself happy and satisfied.

Mas lalong humigpit ang hawak sa akin ni Dawn na nakakaramdam na ako ng hapdi dahil parang dinudurog n'ya ito. Pinagpapawisan din siya nang lubusan.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked worriedly.

I could hear his loud breathing. For a minute, I was confused about what was happening to him but when I saw how he tried to talk but failed to do so, how his sweets came out even though it is not hot, how his eyes are begging to close, and how he tried to hold back his tears... one thing popped out in my mind. And in an instant, I kissed his lips.

"You'll be fine... I'm here, no one can hurt you," I whispered between my kisses.

"A night in shining armor?" patuyang wika ng babae.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at nanatiling pinapakalma ang kasintahan.

I brushed his hair and hummed a worship song. Pagkatapos ay niyakap ko siya, sapat para ipaalam na narito ako. Walang mananakit sa kan'ya.

"Baby boy..."

Mabilis kong tinapik ang kamay ng babae nang subukan n'yang hawakan si Dawn. I hid him behind me and look at the girl with daggers.

"Don't. Hold. My. Boyfriend."

Whoever she is, I know she's the cause of my boyfriend's triggers.

She looked stunned at first but ended up bursting into laughter. I gritted my teeth and forced myself to ignore her because my boyfriend needs me.

Dinala ko si Dawn sa couch at pinakalma. It took me five minutes to calm him, a little. Dahil may lalaking tumawag sa pangalan n'ya.

"Boys don't cry, Damon Wneo!" he uttered with authority.

Ang sinabi n'ya ay nagpa-init sa aking ulo. I was about to lecture him when he spoke first.

"The dinner is ready. Go to the dining room... And you," he looked at me, "Go out. You're not welcome to the family."

Napaawang ang bibig ko.

They are Dawn's family?

How could he have a family member who is heartless? And no, I won't leave this fucking house. I won't leave my boyfriend with these monsters. I don't care if they are his family. He disrespected him. That's enough reason to stay.

"D-don't leave me..."

"I won't leave you. I promise."

Dawn fixed himself before heading to the dining area. Mababakas pa rin ang takot sa mga mata n'ya kahit sabihin n'yang okay lang siya. I told him we can ditch his family if he was not comfortable but he said that he have to face his father.

Masamang tingin ang ginawad sa akin ng ama n'ya nang makita n'yang hindi ko sinunod ang sinabi n'yang umalis na ako at sasabay pa sa pag kain nila.

"I told you to leave. What are you still doing here?"

"Maybe I'm going to eat?" I uttered habang sumasandok ng kanin para sa amin ni Dawn.

"Ang kapal..." rinig kong bulong ng babae.

"Do you want to eat this?" I asked Dawn.

"Y-yes."

I nodded and put beefsteak on his plate. Sumandok din ako para sa akin.

"Saan mo napulat ang babaeng Ito, Dawn?"

Nanginginig na tumingala si Dawn sa tatay n'ya.

"S-she is my girlfriend."

"Really? Were you able to find a girlfriend in that state?"

Tumaas ang kilay ko, "What state are you talking about?"

"Look at him, he's too weak and vulnerable."

Nabitawan ko ang kutsara at kinuyom ang kamao. I have to relax or else I'll pour this iced tea and a bottle of vinegar into him.

"He's not weak and there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable."

"He is a man, not a week girl like you. He should know how to stand for himself. Kita mo pinagsandok mo pa siya ng kanin."

I gritted my teeth.

"Where are the words coming out? From the space between your teeth? And for the record, I'm not weak. I am strong enough to show my vulnerability without feeling disgusted," of course, it's a lie. "Same goes with your SON, he is strong for not letting his gender stop him from being vulnerable because in fact, a true man is not afraid of showing his weakness... Pinagsasandok ko siya? Of course, I love him. How about you? Does the girl beside you do that?"

The girl dramatically covered her mouth. I rolled my eyes at both of them.

"I love him! He's my honey!"

I smirked and at the same time cringed.

"If you say so..." I shrugged, halatang hindi naniniwala.

"I love his son, too."

She was looking at Dawn like he is her next prey.

Bumilis ang paghinga ni Dawn. Pinahinga ko ang kamay sa kan'yang hita at hinimas iyon.

"I love taking care of him."

"He doesn't love how he takes care of you so shut up your dirty mouth or I'll put an insulin with 20 units inside of it."

She laughed like she won a lottery ticket, "Oh, young girl. You don't know how I take care of my husband and his... baby boy."

"My wife is right, our family is doing well. We love each other," Dawn's father agreed.

"My husband loves me and his son, I love my husband and my baby boy, and he loves his dad and... mommy."

She's like a psychopath for smiling. Baliw talaga siya dahil sa sumunod n'yang sinabi.

"You want to join our little family?"

Hindi ko alam pero nandidiri ako habang naririnig ko ang mga sinabi n'ya. It's like a crime, a dirty little secret.

"Kung hindi lang naglayas ang isang 'yan, maayos na sana kami."

"D-dad..."

"Shut up and your excuses! Walang maniniwala sa 'yo."

The girl sighed and went to being emotional. What the fuck is happening?

"H-how dare you..." she wiped her imaginary tears.

"Shush, honey. No one will believe him."

Lito akong tumitingin sa kanila.

"I-I'm not lying."

"Tumahimik ka Dawn!" sigaw ng ama n'ya.

I saw Dawn almost tearing, pinipigilan n'ya lang.

"Ikaw ang tumigil! How dare you shout at your own son?! You don't fucking deserve him! You don't fucking deserve to be called his father!"

I stood up and held Dawn's hand.

"And you, bitch! I don't fucking know who you are, I don't fucking care if you're his mother! Stop pointing fingers at my boyfriend! Tangina mo," I then walked out with Dawn.

As soon as we reached my car, he broke down. My heart is breaking for seeing him in this state. He doesn't deserve the pain caused by his family. They don't fucking deserve to be his family.

"I-I'm not lying... I'm telling t-the truth."

I only let him cry and rant about what's hurting him. He deserves a good cry after all.

I gave him five minutes to be with himself only and after that, I hugged him.

"I will listen, don't be afraid to speak out."

"W-will you believe me? Will you n-not laugh with my... my story?"

"I will believe everything you say. Trust me."

And when he uttered, I couldn't say a single word.

Three words... my dark world gets even darker.

-

Please refrain from asking when is the next update. I've been struggling lately. I'll try to update as much as I can since I'm not busy with school work anymore. So yeah. Enjoy reading!