I had no intention of falling in love with anyone again dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na kapag nag mahal ulit ako, mauubos na naman ako. Ako ang talo sa huli because I love too much... too deep. But it happened, my heart betrayed me, and fell in love with a man who sees my dark soul but still chose to stay with me.

No matter how hundred of reasons I've gathered to not fall in love with him, there's one reason that allows me to decide a risky but worthy decision... I love him. All the reasons I've thought of not loving him were defeated by the phrase, "I love him".

Wala eh, talo ng pagmamahal ang lahat. Love is not blind, lovers are.

"I only felt extreme tiredness. Kilala n'yo naman ako, I'm always energetic... Even though I'm not exerting too much energy, I still feel tired," si Reni.

Nakatambay lang kami ngayon sa bench sa loob ng aming paaralan dahil biglaang nagpatawag ng meeting ang principal kaya wala kaming klase ngayon.

This is our first time talking about his condition. Sa una ay medyo hesitant pa ako pero si Reni na mismo ang unang nagsalita tungkol doon.

"That explains why you won't share your drinks with me," saad ko.

He laughed, "Yup! I don't want you to end up like me."

Nawala ang ngiti sa labi n'ya.

"Don't be like me... Hindi lang sakit ang kalaban mo, pati ang mga tao sa paligid mo, worse is your family. They will not just judge you, they will disown you. Ikakahiya ka nila."

I saw the pain in Reni's eyes while uttering those words. He tried to cover it with his laugh but I was too fast to observe the pain and tiredness in it.

"Kahit ang sarili, magiging kalaban mo rin. You will blame yourself endlessly. You will fill your mind with guilt. You will sleep full of regrets and self-blame. Magiging matigas ka sa sarili mo at titigil ka lang kapag tanggap mo na ang lahat. When everything makes sense and when the realization hits you so bad."

He took a deep sigh and stared at me.

"Kaya ikaw, itigil mo na ang nakasanayan mong gawin. It's not too late to begin a new life, Ace. You have now few but genuine people who will help you grow."

I nodded and smiled a bit.

I know I got their backs that's why I'm doing the right thing now... slowly doing what I was supposed to do before I became like this.

"You ensure safety before sex naman, 'di ba?" Shai asked.

Bigla lumakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko. I know what to answer but it seems like every word that could escape my mouth will stab my heart.

"Y-yes, you know my motto. Safety before sex... b-but I'm not sure if they're indeed safe."

Before I do sex, I always asked if they're safe or not at palaging oo ang sagot doon. Masiyado lang talaga akong tanga at sabik noon para hindi maisip na maaari silang magsinungaling.

"You don't have the symptoms, right?" kinakabahang tanong ni Shai.

I bit my lower lip and shook my head slowly. Napabuntong hininga silang dalawa pero kita ko pa rin ang pag-aalala sa kanilang mga mukha.

I am also nervous. As much as I want Reni to not be alone in his battle, I don't want to be infected.

I'm gradually changing myself. I'm just starting a new life. Unti-unting nagiging maayos ang buhay ko. I just earned my family's trust. I don't want another pain. I don't want another nightmare. Tama na ang madilim kong nakaraan.

If I'm positive, then I'm back to zero. Parang bumalik ako sa nakaraan ko kung saan puno ng panghuhusga ang natanggap ko. I will lose everything again. I will be back at the edge of the world of darkness again. Everything will be blurry, again. I will question my purpose, again. 

"Go to Reni's doctor so he could check you up. Let's make sure."

I agreed with what Shaira said. Kasama ko ngayon si Reni papunta sa doctor n'ya. Ramdam ko ang malakas na kalabog ng dibdib ko. My anxiety level is rising.

"Good afternoon, Doc."

"Magandang hapon din. Ano ang pinunta natin dito?"

Based on my judgement, the doctor's age is in the mid-'40s. Kalbo rin siya kaya super kita ang kinang ng ulo n'ya.

"Mangungutang, Doc," Reni joked, "Biro lang po."

iminuwestra n'ya ang upuan sa harapan n'ya. Reni didn't sit instead, he left the room. I was left alone. I inhaled and exhaled deeply before sitting.

"People usually get HIV through oral or vaginal sex, minsan ay sa sharing of needless and during pregnancy," he explained, "Are you in a relationship?"

Maybe in other instances, I would be happy to confirm my relationship status. But today, I felt agitated. Todo ang kaba na nadarama ko.

I nodded, "Y-yes po."

"Siguro naman ay naghahalikan kayo, 'no?" he chuckles, "But that's not the problem... The most misconception of HIV is that people thought humans can transmit HIV through kissing when the truth is we cannot unless nasugatan ang dila mo sa ngipin n'ya habang naghahalikan kayo or vice versa because HIV can be transmitted through blood, semen or cum, rectal fluids. vaginal fluids, and breast milk. Kaya ang iba, nagkaroon na agad ng HIV umpisa pagkabata nila because of breastfeeding."

I was already aware of everything he mentioned pero nabunutan ako nang isang tinik sa lalamunan. I never experienced getting my tongue cut or vice versa. I'm always careful with having sex, except if my hormones are uncontrollably rising pero wala namang sugatan ang nangyayari. Hindi rin naman kasi ako nakaranas na humalik sa taong may sira ang ngipin. That's a big no.

"But are you active with sex?"

My heart beats fastly as it was before. Rinig ko na ang malakas na kalabog nito.

"Uhm, y-yes..."

I always make sure that my partner used protection before going inside me pero hindi nabawasan ang kaba ko roon. Mas lalo pa akong kinakabahan habang nadadagdagan ng segundo ang oras.

Sumeryoso ang mukha n'ya, "When was the last time you had sex?"

"W-weeks ago? A month ago? I forgot, Doc," mahina kong tugon, medyo nakakaramdam na ng hiya.

I was loud and proud of my sex activity before. It hit me now, nakakahiya pala. I was too young to be sexually active.

He nodded and opened his mini cabinet. Inabot n'ya sa akin ang maliit na papel at isang ballpen.

"Those are the symptoms of HIV in a woman. Put a check beside it if you have the symptom."

Sinunod ko ang sinabi n'ya. I haven't checked any of the listed symptoms for I don't feel any of those. After I returned the paper, he prepares the test to check if I have the virus or not.  Ang Antibody/antigen combination tests ang gagamitin n'yang screening sa akin dahil 20 minutes lang daw ang itatagal bago malaman ang resulta.

Kabado ako habang ginagawa ng Doctor ang kailangan n'yang gawin. He told me to stay calm but I couldn't stay calm when I'm in a life and death situation.

"Balikan mo nalang after 20 minutes."

Nanginginig akong ngumiti, "T-thank you, Doc."

Mabilis akong sinalubong ni Reni nang makita akong lumabas sa pintuan.

"Ano'ng sabi ni Doc?"

"He hasn't said anything yet. I need to wait for the result before he could advise me."

Reni nodded understandingly. Maybe he also underwent an antibody test because he didn't ask follow-up questions.

We decided to go to the mall near the hospital so I could ease my anxiety.

"Kinakabahan talaga ako..." amin ko.

I lost my appetite to eat because of excessive nervousness. Nabusog ako ng hangin dahil kanina pa ako buga-singhap nito.

"Stay calm. Whatever the result is, I won't leave your side."

I'm scared... totally scared.

I had enough of pain and suffering. Ngayon pa lang ako unti unting nakakabangon, ngayon ko palang ulit naramdaman ang totoong saya. Sana naman ay huwag ng agawin ng mundo ang kasiyahan na iyon.

Lord, huwag mo ng ipagkait ang kasiyahan na tinatamasa ko ngayon.

When the misleading information about "my" nudes spread, everyone turned their back on me and never thought of hearing my side. It was a traumatic experience for me. Hindi naman ako ang babaeng hubad pero sa akin nila binato ang masasakit na salita. Everyone throws their hate at the wrong person so I decided to prove them right. Naging madumi at masama akong tao, ganoon naman ang tingin nila sa akin.

"But I hope the result is negative. You don't deserve this sickness."

"You also don't deserve that."

Malungkot siyang ngumiti, "Maybe and maybe not," he shrugged, "Baka Ito ang karma sa akin."

"You didn't do anything bad. Paano magiging karma 'yan?"

"I'm a gay. That's already a big sin."

I looked at him with daggers, "Being gay might be a sin but don't be too hard on yourself. Oo bakla ka pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay karapat dapat ka ng magkaroon ng malubhang sakit. You're a gay and never a bad person. You're a gay but you don't deserve this pain."

Umiling siya, "Ganoon din iyon."

I hate how he sees himself, but then again. I remember my not-so-old self. I used to think that way. Society is my mirror. Kung tingin nila sa akin ay malandi at maduming babae, ganoon din ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. What they throw at me is kept inside a box.

Maybe that's what humans really are. There's a part of our life that society became our mirror. We let them define us. Lahat ng sinasabi nila ay kinukulong natin sa ating mga utak at nagiging ganoon din ang tingin natin sa ating sarili.

When the 20 minutes were consumed, we went back to the hospital and again, I felt the throbbing of my heart.

"Let's hope for the negative result," ani Reni before I went Inside the clinic.

After this, I'll go to my person. I need his hug.

"Here's the result, Ms. Ramuro."

Nanginginig kong inabot ang papel sa kan'ya.

I took a deep sigh and closed my eyes.

Please give me enough courage and stronger faith to accept whatever the result is. Supply me with Your love and make me trust Your words. Don't let me hate you for I know You have better plans for me. Huwag Mo akong hayaang lumayo Sa 'yo.

I slowly opened the paper and tears automatically pooled down my cheeks.

I always fail You, yet You never fail me.

"It's a negative result."

I nodded while my tears can't stop falling, "T-thank you, Doc."

I'm a bad person. I am a sinner but He saved me, again. He is always my savior.

Reni immediately hug me when I opened the door.

"N-negative... It's negative!"

"I'm happy, Ace," he hushed me.

"I-I can continue building a better person in me..."

Humikbi ako.

"Wala akong sakit..."

I won't experience my past, again. Wala ng hahadlang sa pagbuo ko ng aking sarili. Wala ng hahadlang sa pagsisimula ko.

I suddenly felt bad for him. I don't regret being negative but sadness visited my soul.

"I-I'm sorry."

Bumitaw siya sa yakap, "Why are you sorry? Ano ka ba?! Don't be sorry! I'm happy with the result."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"I'm fine, Ace. Don't worry about me."

I will always worry about him, especially now. I might not fully understand him but I will try to make him feel that there's someone who wants to listen to his rants.

Hindi madali ang pinagdadaanan n'ya ngayon. Kahit hindi ko alam ang nararamdaman n'ya, alam ko mahirap para sa kan'ya.

You don't know the pain until you felt it and yet, you still don't know how exactly it feels because people have different sensitivity. The pain might cause you little frustration and heartache, but to someone, they were already going insane.

Reni talked with the doctor before we exited the hospital. Hinatid ko siya bago dumiretso sa bahay ni Dawn.

Nang makarating ako sa bahay n'ya ay mabilis akong tumakbo sa pintuan at kumatok.

"Miss me?" patuya n'yang sabi at niyakap ako pabalik.

Ngumiti lang ako and rested my head on his chest.

"Hmm... What's wrong?"

I shook my head. Siniksik ko pa lalo ang sarili ko sa kan'ya.

"I just want to hug you."

Hindi siya sumagot at hinayaan n'ya lang akong yakapin siya. Para bang naiintindihan n'ya ang gusto kong mangyari. He understands that I'm tired and the only way to regain my energy is his hug.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," he kissed my forehead.

Totoo pala ang sabi nila na kapag yakap mo ang taong mahal mo ay mawawala ang lahat ng pagod at pangamba. They have the power to comfort and ease our thoughts. That's how powerful a hug is.

"Can you tell me how was your day?"

"Kinda tired and stressful but I'm fine now."

He encircled his arms around my waist and rested his head on my neck.

"What did you do today that made my baby tired and stressed?"

Napakagat labi ako. I don't know if I should tell him or not.

"Uhm, I just went to the hospital with Reni. Sinamahan ko siya," I half lied.

"He's your best friend, right?"

"Yes."

"He said he will be a boy if I hurt you, hmm."

I chuckled and pinched his legs.

"He was just kidding. Sineryoso mo naman."

"But he seems serious."

"Ayaw n'ya lang akong masaktan kaya sinabi n'ya 'yon. He genuinely cares for me."

Naramdam ko ang pagtango n'ya.

"I can see that. You're surrounded by good friends... kahit ang babaeng kaibigan mo, she seems nice."

"Oo naman! She's an ideal girl. Matalino, mabait, maganda, masipag.. lahat na sa kan'ya!" I proudly said.

"But my baby is more beautiful, kindest~"

"Shut up!" natatawa kong sita.

"What? I'm stating the facts."

"Sira, you don't have to compare us. We are built differently. And siyempre, given na mas lamang ako sa paningin mo. You love me!"

"Of course," he bit my neck softly.

"They're my most trusted people. Alam kong kahit lumipas man ang taon na hindi kami magkakasama, kami pa rin ang magkakaibigan. I'm sure that they will not betray me. They will never do an action that could hurt me because they always consider my feelings before deciding on their own."

I was smiling while uttering those words.

"You're blessed with them and they are blessed because they have you."

I only s shrugged, "How about you?"

"I don't have friends, except to my churchmates and uhm, A-athena."

Natigilan ako sa narinig na pangalan.

"How did you become friends with her?"

Paano n'ya naging kaibigan ang babaeng sumira sa pagkatao ko?

Huminga siya nang malalim bago nagsalita.

"She saw me breaking down, that was the start of our friendship. Palagi n'ya na akong binibisita sa bahay."

Mapait akong ngumiti. She was his first solace before me.

"I'm happy you have her."

"I'm happy I have you," he said instead.

Ngumuso ako, pinipigilan ang ngiti.

"How can you fall for me? Kilala mo ako, I love playing with fire."

He sniffed my neck, "Do I have to explain why I love you?"

"If you only want to," I shrugged.

I'm not forcing him kasi kahit ako, I can't give him the exact reason why I'm in love with him.

Loving someone has no reason dahil kapag nawala ang rason, mawawala rin ang pagmamahal. Maybe in someone's view, they want an explanation for it. Baka words of affirmation ang love language nila, kaya gusto nila nang maraming rason. I don't know. People just have different perspectives when it comes to love.

"If you could only see yourself from my perspective, you will never think of questioning why I'm in love with you."