Every time I see pictures of me when I was younger, I envy her... Why did she let those things happen? Why is she so innocent and didn't fight back? If she didn't let fears consume her, things would not have turned how it is today. I wouldn't be in this situation if she fought back.

But mostly, a genuine smile curved on my lips. I'm happy she was happy. My younger self lived her life without trauma, she lived with pure happiness that I failed to live with.

My life after what happened that night completely changed. I became the person I least expected to be. The innocent sweet baby girl became a bold and dark lady.

I lived with trauma and until now, I'm living with it. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako makakalaya sa bangungot na iyon.

I am trying to forget those memories but it won't leave me. I am trying my hardest... I almost begged Him to let me hit by a car so I could lose my memories.

"You're afraid to hurt him but you're not afraid of the consequences that he might hurt you," ani Yves.

I swallowed my pride before I decided to ask for Yves' perception about my feelings for Dawn. I wanted to ask my friends but they don't know much about him, ayokong pahabain ang explanation ko sa kanila kung sino si Dawn at kung saan ko siya nakilala. If I go to Yves, she doesn't need an explanation. I didn't even see the surprise in her eyes after I admitted the truth.

"It's nowhere my concern. I've been dealing with guys for a very long time, do you think he'll cause me pain?"

The truth is, I'm also afraid for myself. Naranasan ko ng magmahal at masaktan dahil sa pagmamahal. I was once a broken-hearted woman because of a guy who doubted my love for him.

Our breakup wrecked me.

Leigh was my first boyfriend. Siya ang unang lalaking minahal ko. I gave my all to him, even my virginity kaya noong pinili n'yang talikuran ako, I didn't believe in love anymore.

How will I believe in love when my man chose to believe other's words than his woman's explanation? He didn't trust me enough, instead of staying with me that night, he made me leave. His love for me is shallow yet, my love for him is everything. That's my mistake, minahal ko siya na wala ng natira sa akin.

I was the victim but it's still my mistake.

Ginahasa ako pero ang sisi ay nasa akin.

Saan ako maghahanap ng lakas para magmahal ulit pagkatapos ng nangyari?

"When you love someone, they have the advantage to hurt you, to put you to hell... Kapag nagmamahal ka, nasasaktan ka. It's part of the process of building a strong relationship. It's not always feeling butterflies in your stomach, it is also feeling the bullet in your heart."

"You learn a lot from your relationship with Christian..."

She chuckled softly, "I did..." her face became serious, "But I'm happy for you. After years of wearing boys as your masks in pain, you found a man who will remove your mask and help you deal with being naturally fierce."

She held my right hand and smiled sadly at me.

"I know you've been hiding a lot of nightmares in your heart and we're sorry for not noticing it earlier. We judged you so quickly like what others did to you, wala kaming pinagka-iba sa kanila..." she sighed, "We  don't know what's behind your emotionless eyes, but I wanted you to know that we're here with you now. Hindi na kami katulad noon na hinusgahan ka kaagad. You can tell us your secrets even if we're already late... We will try to help you."

"S-stop~"

"We are sorry for not listening to you... Hindi kami naging mabuting pamilya sa 'yo, hindi ako naging mabuting ate."

Her words triggered my memories.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakauwi. I just found myself entering our house with a heavy heart and clouded mind.

"T-tatay..." I called.

I heard their giggles outside.

For the first time, I envy them for enjoying the moment while here I am, breaking like glass.

I hate to hear their laugh. I hate to see the happiness in their eyes... because it makes me feel alone.

Pakiramdam ko ay tinalikuran ako ng mundo sa sinapit ko ngayon. Pakiramdam ko naiwan akong mag-isa.

I felt alone in the darkness.

Sa nanginginig na katawan ay sinubukan kong umakyat ng hagdanan pero hindi pa nakatungtong ang paa ko nang bumukas ang pintuan at iniluwa no'n si Tatay.

I am aware of my situation right now. Magulo ang buhok ko at mugto ang mga mata. I look like a dead plant.

"T-tay," I almost cried.

I need his hug. I need a father's embrace... but what I received is a loud slap.

"A-ace! I didn't let you go with Leigh to... to have sex!" he closed his eyes after saying that word, parang hirap na hirap siyang i-proseso ang lahat.

I shook my head and cried. I hold his hand.

"T-tay, please... Listen to me."

"Listen?! You wanted to explain why there's a stain of blood in your pants?!" rage filled his eyes.

"A-alam kong mali~"

He pushed me away.

Nadapa ako. He didn't even bother to help me.

"Alam mong mali pero ginawa mo?! You're just fifteen years old, Ace!"

"Please~"

"This is what you're going to give us after allowing you to have a relationship with him?! Nasaan na ang takot mo sa Diyos? Where's your respect to us?!"

"T-tay..."

"Hindi mo na kami inisip sa mga desisyon mo! You're so selfish, Ace."

Umiling ako.

"We wanted to raise an obedient daughter and not a... shameful daughter."

In just a snapped, my whole family is looking at me with disgrace on their faces.

"I-I don't need your harsh words, comfort me... Please," nagmakaawa ako.

The last thing I wanted to hear after what happened to me is their demotivated words.

Alam ko namang mali ako, nagpadala ako sa emotion at sa tawag ng damdamin ko pero hindi ba nila ako hahayaang magsalita?

How about what happened to me? Yes, I gave myself to Leigh but I was also rape.

Ginahasa rin ako...

Binaboy ako...

Pero ayaw nilang makinig.

"Look at yourself! N-nakakadiri..."

Mama's word echoed in me.

Nakakadiri.

That was what Leigh described me.

Nakakadiri ako.

"Wala akong anak na gan'yan... Ace, what's happening? Bakit naging maduming babae ka na?"

I cried. They don't understand.

They didn't let me speak... I wanted them to embrace me because I badly need someone to hug... kasi putangina, nandidiri na rin ako sa sarili ko. Naawa na rin ako sa sitwasyon ko.

Kailangan ko ng taong masasandalan at hindi ang huhusgahan ako.

And when I thought my family can be that people, I was wrong, huhusgahan din pala nila ako.

Everyone will judge me.

"I-I was~"

Pinutol ako ni Ate Yves, "Shut up, Ace! You're causing stress to them!"

I swallowed my tears and clenched my fist to stop the unwanted feeling.

"I-I don't need anyone's help," sabay bawi ng kanang kamay ko at punas ng luha.

She nodded genuinely, like she's not forcing me to her idea.

"I understand, Ace. Hindi kita pipilitin pero gusto kong malaman mo na I'm already thankful for trusting me and wanting to hear my opinion about this. I am beyond thankful for letting me perform my role as your big sister."

I scoffed, "You're just a year older than me, big sister your ass."

"I'm still older than you!"

I rolled my eyes, "Isang taon lang. Don't act as if you're five years older than me."

"You're still the little Ace I know," she groaned yet a smile is curving on her lips.

Wearing a crochet halter top and a flounce mini skirt, I entered the club without giving a glance to everyone who are calling my name. I didn't go here to interact with them, I only want to drink because I miss the warm feeling of whiskey on my throat.

Umupo ako sa usual seats namin ni Reni but the difference is I'm alone this time. I didn't successfully force him to go with me today, he even scolded me for wanting to visit this club.

Reni is getting weirder after his breakup with James~ and speaking of that asshole, I saw him on the other side of my table drinking alone. He looks like he just went out of the hospital. His hair is messed. His tired eyes went in my direction, tumama ang tingin n'ya sa akin at sumilip sa likod ko na parang tinitignan kung may kasama ba ako. Nang napagtantong wala akong kasama ay mas lalong naging lantang gulay ang mata n'ya. I raised my brows at him.

Sa itsura n'ya ngayon ay para siya ang pinaka apektado sa hiwalayan nilang dalawa.

"A-ace..."

I was shocked by the sudden sound of pain in his voice.

I remained my cold expression despite my heart becoming soft for him.

"W-what?"

"I-I still love your friend..."

"Are you fooling me with your manipulative words?"

Ang galit ay tuluyang nangibabaw sa akin.

"No, please. Hear my explanation."

James explained everything to me. His parents didn't agree with his relationship with Reni, they tried to block mailed him but James stopped them by following their rules and that is to see him with a 'real' girl, which explains why he's always seen with Jerly before.

"You can't blame him, James. You wrecked him. Sa tingin mo ganoon nalang kadali sa kan'ya na patawarin ka after what you did? You traumatized him, again."

Yumuko siya. Naaawa ako sa kan'ya but I also can't blame my friend. He was hurt. He made him cry all night and questioned his worth.

It's hard to fix a broken-hearted person.

James left me after he received a call from his parents.

I sighed. Ako ang naloloka sa relationship nila.

Mahirap naman talagang tanggapin na ang anak mo ay may gusto sa kapwa n'yang kasarian but what can they do? If they can't accept the reality of their child, then they should leave the decision to their child and stop dictating them for whom they're not.

They didn't wish to be like that, it just came out. For I know, they tried to stop feeling that way because their parents will be disappointed of them and I give my respect for those individuals because they didn't let society dictate them. Kahit gaano kasama ang tingin ng iba sa kanila, hindi nila 'yon inantala. They still to showed their real identity.

Dawn: Can I call? I miss you.

I licked my lower lip and giggled. It's like the whiskey already tamed me.

Solace: owo hahaha, moan for me.

I laughed silently. I played with my lips while waiting for his reply.

Dawn: Where are you?

Solace: sa titi mo

Binitawan ko ang cellphone ko. I walked towards the dancefloor and grinned my body.

A guy danced at my back. I only let him and grinned more. Hindi na ako nagulat ng maramdaman ko ang kalakihan n'ya sa akin and I didn't even feel aroused.

"You want to continue this somewhere private?"

His hands caressed my exposed stomach.

"Hmm," I only answered, not planning to do that with him.

Gusto ko lang namang uminom, bakit may lalaki na sa likod ko. I chuckled with my thought and was about to leave the place when a rough hand grabbed my wrist. Tumama ako sa dibdib nito.

A familiar scent of a man lingered in my nose. I lifted my head to him and without knowing the reason, my lips moved into a smile.

"Don't touch her. She's my woman," matigas n'yang saad at kinaladlad ako.

I hate myself for smiling from ear to ear! My woman, huh? I smirked.

"How did you find me?" I asked as we sit.

He looked angrily at me.

I laughed, "What?"

His eyes scrolled down my body. He massaged the tip of his nose and sighed problematically.

"Don't you have a jacket?"

I pouted, "I'm at the club. Do you think I'll bother to bring a jacket with me?"

"Then, come here..."

"Pardon?" lumagok ako ng panibagong alak.

Instead of answering me, he moved closer to me. Nagulat ako ng bigla n'ya akong inangat at inupo sa pagitan ng kan'yang mga hita. He didn't waste a time and immediately encircled his arms around my waist. He rested his head on my neck.

I shivered with our position. This is too fast! I can feel my heart racing abnormally.

"W-what are you d-doing?" I cursed myself in my mind for stuttering.

"Covering what's mine."

I gulped as I felt a bullet of sweets on my palms.

"You should wear a cover-up next time."

His breath was tickling my neck.

"There's no need to cover me, I always wear this kind of clothes."

Mas lalong humigpit ang yakap n'ya sa akin.

"The more reason why I need to cover you."

"You're possessive..."

And I'm not a submissive type of a woman.

"Only to you."

I rolled my eyes. I held my head when it aches.

"We should go home. You drink a lot."

"What? No way! I want to stay here."

He sighed defeatedly. Binuhusan ko naman ng panibagong alak ang baso ko and drunk it.

"You know what? I like you but you're too protective and possessive," lasing kong wika.

He sniffed in my neck.

"You'll get to see my possessive side when we're officially together. I'm not possessive yet."

Sumimangot ako, "I don't like possessive guys~"

"I'm an exception."

I giggled and move his right hand underneath my breast.

"You're confident."

He let out a sexy laugh.

I honestly didn't expect this side of him. Para kasi siyang anghel sa simbahan, iyong hindi marunong magalit at magmura but he is worse than what I expected. A good kind of worse.

I witnessed his three sides. The angelic, the traumatized, and the wild one.

But I like the last one. I love when he's wild with me.

"Hmm."

I felt his manhood poking behind me.

His hand crawled up, almost touching the tip of my breast.

"We're not even together but you're touching it already."

"I'm already courting you."

My eyes widened, "You are?"

His lips kissed my neck. I tilted it to the right side so he can kiss it well.

"Hmm. Yeah?"

"Ahhh!" I moaned when he bit some skin in my neck and at the same, pinched my nipple, "I-I don't let guys court me."

His thing is getting bigger and bigger. I want to touch it and put it inside of me.

"I said, I'm an exception."

"Hmm... I don't even know your real name, liligawan mo na ako," I managed to say despite the burning sensation I am feeling.

"It's Damon Wneo."

Kung may iniinom lang ako ay baka naibuga ko na. The sexual tension I'm feeling faded in a snap at napalitan iyon ng tawa.

I laughed as hard as I can.

What a name for a servant of God!

"You got it wrong, It's Dey-mon Ni-yo!"

I still laughed. Sounds like demonyo for me.

"Y-your name's funny," pigil tawa kong wika dahil nararamdaman kong napipikon na siya sa akin.

"That's why I hate my name," he whispered against my neck.

"Hmm. Damon Wneo," I teased pero bigla n'yang kinagat ang leeg ko.

The sensation I'm feeling earlier went back as his fingers teasingly moved on my legs.

"Still want to laugh?"

He filled my neck with his wet kisses.

"Answer me..."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"N-no."

My right hand went at my back and touch his growing manhood.

He groaned when he felt my hand.

"Baby..."

I giggled and moved it.

"S-stop..."

"Or you'll cum inside your pants?"

"This is not working... Let's get out from here and find a private place."

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Hi! Sorry for the short and a bit boring update, inubos na ng physics subject ang brain cells ko po huhu 3<