tw / / R-18

Never in my life have I tasted the word embarrassed after seducing a man. I was never ashamed of doing that... not until I tried to seduced Dawn.

The look in his eyes while buttoning my opened buttons pained me. Parang nasusuka siya sa akin. Nandidiri siyang hawakan ako, na parang may nakakadiring sakit ako na kapag dumapo ang kamay n'ya sa katawan ko ay mahahawaan siya.

I felt so small. I feel like I'm the dirtiest woman. Madumi na ako noon, mas dumumi pa ako pagkatapos ng nangyari.

I willingly offered my body to him but he refused to accept it. Dahil sa kan'ya ay nanliit ako sa sarili ko. I suddenly questioned my choices in life.

Why did I choose to be like this?

No. I didn't choose to be like this. My trauma forced me to be like this. Hindi ko ginusto ang maging hubadera at tumikim ng iba't ibang lalaki, hindi ko pinili maging malaking kahihiyan sa pamilya... This is the only thing I know how to survive and to never be a victim again. This is what the world taught me.

... That in order to survive, you should be the master of your own world.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. I must not question everything that has happened. I shouldn't live for those choices, I should focus on my present and get ready for my future.

Kaya para mawala ang kahihiyan ko ay nakipagkita ako kay Stan sa isang hotel... Just to divert my mind from thinking about what happened.

"Uhh, fuck! F-faster!"

Stan is thrusting inside me... deeper and harder. He is sucking my right breast while his hand was playing on the other one.

"As you wish, Babe," hinihingal n'yang saad.

Nang binilisan n'ya ang paggalaw ay mas lalong lumakas ang ungol ko.

His lips went to my collarbone and tugged a bit of my skin.

A moan escaped on my mouth, "Oh. A-ang sarap."

"Mas masarap ka," he said huskily.

I slapped his butt kaya mas lalong dumiin ang kan'ya sa pagkababae ko.

"Shit, Stan! Ahh. I-I'm coming."

His thrust went slower made me open my eyes out of frustration.

"Don't come yet. Sabay tayo," he smirked.

I got furious at him. Mas lalong humina ang paggalaw n'ya sa loob ko.

Hinampas ko ang balikat n'ya.

"Just move faster! I won't come!" I said angrily and eagerly.

Ngumisi siya at sinunod ang utos ko. Gusto ko ng malabasan but Stan still wants me to hold on. Gusto n'ya ay sabay kami.

"I'm coming, B-babe."

As soon as I heard it, I let out my release. We both moan louder until we were gasping for air.

He kissed my forehead and lay down beside me. He hugged me and cage my feet over his.

"I love you."

Hindi ako sumagot. He chuckled softly but the pain is evident in it.

"I want to taste you... for the last time," he said as he slowly kissed my boobs, again. His right hand went down to my feminity.

Humiwalay ako sa kan'ya.

"Just go straight to the point," I said.

He gave me a dry laugh. His thumb played with my nipples and licked his lips before looking at me in the eyes.

"I know you want to end things with me... But you can't because of my sister."

Nagulat ako sa sinabi n'ya.

"I-I don't want you to stay because you don't want my sister to get hurt. I want you to stay because you love me."

"That's impossible."

"You're afraid to hurt her... b-but you're not afraid to hurt me."

He smiled, a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"So, I'm letting you go Laura Solace. You don't have to stay with me because of Tyra."

May tumulong luha sa mata n'ya.

"I honestly thought you love me... a-ako lang pala ang nagmamahal sa ating dalawa."

I closed my eyes. My heart hurts for him. May pinagsamahan din naman kami.

"Choose someone who's worthy of your love," wika ko habang dinadama ang daliri n'ya sa loob ko.

"You are more than enough for my love," he answered.

Umiling lang ako, hindi sumasang-ayon sa sinabi n'ya.

"I like you, so bad. No, erase that, I love you so bad that I will let you go... pero s-sana puwede pa tayo sa susunod na taon..."

"S-stan.

He stopped me from talking by kissing my lips. His lips sucked mine. Ang kan'yang mga halik ay bumaba hanggang sa dibdib ko. Napaliyad ako nang kagatin n'ya ang tuktok nito.

"I will miss this," he said while messaging my left breast. Nagpatuloy siya sa paghalik sa isang dibdib ko.

"Will you find your true love?" he asked while still stroking my folds.

"I-I don't know... I don't think so."

I felt him smile between his kisses, "I will wait for your love story to end... I will catch you again after your greatest heartbreak."

He stared deeply into my eyes.

"I will find you after he's done with his epilogue."

I bit my lips when I felt him stop moving his fingers.

"We will resume our story again... We will complete each other's book."

Tuluyan na akong pinakawalan ni Stan.

It's the first a guy broke up with me. Palagi ako ang nakikipag hiwalay sa naging boyfriend ko noon.

Well, it's not bad. At least si Stan ang unang lalaking nakipaghiwalay sa akin. He's a nice man after all. He got everything, he's almost perfectly created but I can't learn to love him... I won't learn to love anyone.

"Paano na 'yan? Who will drive and fetch you?" Reni asked, laughing.

Nasa group call kami ngayon because I informed them that Stan broke up with me. Sa sobrang curious nila kung bakit siya nakipaghiwalay ay nag-video call na ang dalawa.

"Maghahanap nalang ng bago," I shrugged.

"The only solution, I think," natatawa pa ring sambit ni Reni.

"Don't find a boyfriend immediately! At least for a  month?" si Shaira.

Umismid ako, "That's too much! One month na walang papasok na kobra sa kuwebe ko ay hindi ko kaya!"

They all laughed at what I said.

"But seriously, sayang din si Stan. I know his intention for you is good."

"And he loves you!" Shaira added.

"He's too good for me," I said, shrugging.

Stan is too good for a whore like me. He deserves better. I want to equal the love he poured into me, pero hindi ko talaga kaya. Pilitin ko mang mahalin siya, ang puso ko ay walang puwang sa ganoong emosiyon.

My heart doesn't know how to love anymore, ang alam lang nito ay maglaro. That's why I'm happy that Stan decided to end things with a whore who can't equal his love.

I'll be happier if he will be in intimacy with a woman like Shaira, a woman who doesn't carry dirt on her name. Hindi katulad ko na sobrang dumi na nga ng pangalan, madumi pa ang katawan at ang pagkatao ko mismo.

He should find a woman like Shaira and not a girl like me... A demure and reserve, not a liberated and playful with boys.

I don't know what happened but after I woke up the next day, naging masigla ulit ang tao sa loob ng aming bahay. Yves went back to her normal self. She even greeted me with a good morning and kisses my cheeks. Okay na rin ang pakikitungo ni mama sa kan'ya.

I feel like I'm the only one who is clueless in the house. Pakiramdam ko ay isang ligaw na tapa lang ako na napadpad dito. I felt excluded and out of the frame. I don't have any single idea what's happening and what had happened. Kahapon lang ay parang may naglilsta ng noisy so sobrang tahimik.

I sighed. Of course, I wouldn't know what's happening because I rarely stay here and they won't bother to update me as they thought I don't care at all. Parati naman kasi akong walang pake sa paligid ko.

"Ace," nilingon ko si Yves, "Who will fetch you?"

I stared at her blankly but I was already curious inside. Does she know that I and Stan have ended?

"Wala," I answered plainly.

"Sumabay ka na sa amin."

"What?"

She smiled, "Sabay ka na sa amin."

I almost rolled my eyes. She only repeated what she said.

"With?" tanong ko.

With whom? Ihahatid ba siya ni Tatay?

"Uhm, with Christian," she then glanced at my mother.

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. Who the heck is Christian?!

"He's her boyfriend. Sumabay ka na sa kanila," sagot ni Mama na parang nabasa ang katanungan sa isip ko.

Wait! Boyfriend?!

The puzzle that I've been trying to solve since yesterday is now fixed!

The argument they had started from Christian! My mother didn't want Yves to have a boyfriend tapos ay napunta sa akin ang lahat.

Tulala ako habang tinatapos ang pagkain.

I didn't expect Yves to have a boyfriend this early. I mean, maaga rin naman ako nag boyfriend pero kapag si Yves ay iba na ang usapan. My parents are stricter than her. It's a miracle that they allowed her to enter into a relationship.

"Let's go?" she asked after a car parked in front of our house.

"Ilang buwan na kayo?" I asked, not planning to go inside the car without getting pieces of information about their relationship.

"Three months."

Tumango ako, "Ilang taon na siya?"

"Hmm," may multong ngiti sa labi n'ya, "He's 21."

"Pedophile," I whispered but she heard.

"According to DSM-IV-TR criteria, The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child to be considered as pedophilia."

Natahimik ako at parang napanis ang laway.

"That's still pedophile," hindi ako nagpatalo.

"Hindi nga, Ace."

I looked at her and rolled my eyes.

Oh, edi hindi!

"You're like Mama, daming tanong," she uttered and entered the car.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago pumasok sa loob. I was obviously on the back while she was in the front seat.

Napaubo ako nang hinawakan ng Christian and kamay ni Yves.

"Are you okay?" Nilingon ako ni Yves.

I glanced at their intertwined hands and look back at her. I rolled my eyes, walang balak na sagutin siya.

I plug my earphones in my ears so I won't hear their irritating voice. Nilakasan ko ang volume nito hanggang sa wala na akong marinig kundi ang kanta lang pero nang sumulyap si Yves sa akin at tiningnan ang earphones ko ay hininaan ko ito.

"I love you."

I immediately closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.

Christian chuckled as he kissed my sister's palm.

"I love you more."

"I love you most," sagot ni Yves.

"No. Mas mahal kita,"

"Mas mahal kaya kita!"

Nang hindi ko na matiis ang naririnig ko ay malakas akong umubo. Yves looked at me worriedly.

"Tangina nitong kantang pinapakinggan ko. Old style na corny," parinig ko.

'You should love old songs. I love old songs," ani Yves at nagkibit-balikat pa.

"Halata nga."

I should really find a boyfriend so that I won't need to be here anymore pero kailangan ko ring bantayan si Yves baka ano pa ang gawin nila sa loob.

Gosh, I can't imagine her doing things I'm doing.

When the car stopped in front of our school, I immediately went outside at mabilis na hinila si Yves kahit hindi pa siya nakapag-paalam sa lalaki.

"Hey! Wait, Ace! I haven't bid goodbye to Christian!"

I face her with a dagger look, "Late na, oh! Lalaki pa rin iniisip mo."

Nang makita kong umalis na ang sasakyan ni Christian ay iniwan ko siyang mag-isa. I headed to my classroom with heavy steps Pabagsak akong umupo.

"Problems? O masakit lang ang keps mo?" tanong ni Reni.

Inirapan ko siya, walang balak pansinin ang pangalawang tanong.

"May boyfriend si Yves," I said while crossing my arms.

"Really?! What a surprise."

Inismidan ko siya.

"Bakit gan'yan ang reaction mo? Parang hindi ka nagkaroon ng boyfriend, ah!"

I looked at him sharply.

"Easy, Ace," he laughed, "You're worried sa sister mo."

"Hindi, ah!"

"Your reaction says it all," sagot ni Shaira.

I am not worried. I was mad because she was taking the crown on me. That's it.

"Mabuti nga si Yves masaya sa love life."

Nakapalumbabang sinabi ni Reni. Shaira and I looked at each other.

"Why? Aren't you happy with James?" Shai asked.

"I am... hindi ko alam sa kan'ya."

"He is!" I said, "We can see it."

"He stopped texting me two days ago."

"What?!" sabay naming wika ni Shaira.

"Why didn't tell us?!" si Shaira.

"Hindi naman ganoon ka big deal... Baka walang load?"

Lintek na walang load! Bibilhan ko pa siya ng bagong sim card d'yan, eh.

"Don't lie. You ask me yesterday to load someone's number. It's James' number, right?" Shai asked.

"Oo."

I sighed and hug him.

Malalagot sa akin si James kapag nakita ko siya.

"Club tayo later," I said as I thought about Jerly.

Umuo agad si Reni.

Puros discussion lang ang nangyari buong umaga. Reni didn't eat with us during lunchtime and when he went back, mugto na ang mata n'ya. I can sense it even if he put concealer. Hindi na namin siya tinanong kung ano ang nangyari. We only hugged him... We embraced his pain, wishing and praying that the pain will be lessened.

"Shaira, are you eating in my class?" striktong tanong ni Ma'am. Her class is our last class today.

I looked at Shaira who was now biting her lips. Kinakabahan siya. Biting her lips is one of her biggest mannerisms when she's intense.

"N-no po, M-ma'am," sagot n'ya at yumuko.

I observed her body. I know her very well and I'm sure she's not telling the truth. While surveying her body, I saw her hands at her back.

"You are aware that my number one rule is to do not chew while I'm discussing."

Ang kan'yang kamay sa likod ay binuksan ang bag n'ya. My eyes widened as I saw chocolates on her hands! Lumunok ako dahil ako ang kinakabahan sa kan'ya. My teacher slowly went to her.

"Put the chocolates inside," I whispered but her move is slower than a turtle's walk. My teacher saw it.

"Explain this."

Nanginginig na tumayo si Shaira. She looks like she is about to cry. Her eyes and nose are now red.

Tumayo ako, "It's all my fault."

Lahat sila ay tumingin sa akin.

"I told her to bring chocolates for me."

Tumaas ang kilay ng teacher namin.

Burahan ko kaya 'yan, shuta ka.

"But she's currently eating," her eyebrows raised even more, parang hinuhuli n'ya ako.

"Sa kan'ya naman 'yon at gutom siya, Ma'am."

Our teacher gritted her teeth.

"It's our freedom to eat whenever our tummy is starving."

Inis siyang lumapit sa akin.

"Even the law says that we shouldn't deprive someone of eating," I added even if I'm not sure if there's a law about it.

Kung wala, edi bahala siya. Ako naman ang batas.

"Your mother will know about this," she walked out.

I just made a teacher walkout because of a fucking chocolates?

"Ace! You shouldn't do that!"

Umirap ako, "It's okay! Tama naman ang sinabi ko."

"But it's her rules and it's my fault for not respecting it."

"Not because you didn't follow, you're already disrespecting her."

She sighed and pouted. Ginulo ko nalang ang buhok n'ya.

"Don't worry, okay? I got your back," kumindat ako sa kan'ya, "Why are you eating ba kanina?"

Nahihiya siyang sumagot, "I'm craving for chocolates."

"Buntis ka ba?" natawa ako.

She shook her head. I laughed at her more but I stopped when I noticed that Renato wasn't with us. I mean, he's just beside me but his mind and soul are somewhere else.

"Hoy!" I snapped my fingers, "Okay ka lang? Tahimik mo, ah."

"Bawal na ba ako tumahimik ngayon?" he rolled his eyes.

"Being quiet isn't your usual self," si Shaira.

"Bagong buhay ako, sis."

Umismid ako, "Tite mo bagong buhay."

Ngumuso siya sa akin.

Inakbayan ko siya, "Iinom nalang natin 'yan."

Hindi na ako umuwi at humiram nalang ng damit sa kapatid ni Reni. I can't borrow Shaira's clothes at magmumukha akong pupunta sa simbahan.

I was wearing a bandana top and high-waisted shorts. I partnered it with high boots.

"Paramihan ng lalaki?" I smirked at Reni.

"Sure. Kahit mauna ka pang lumandi nang isang oras sa akin."

"Yabang mo!"

We looked for a vacant table.

"Pero papayagan ka bang lumandi?" I asked.

Kung malalaman kong sila pa ni James. I won't let him go around and have some boys.

"Wala namang papayag," he shrugged. He called the waiter and ordered a drink.

I let him waste himself. Kung sa paraan naman na iyon siya makakahanap ng comfort o magpapagaan ng loob n'ya, sino ako para pigilan siya?

"Bakla lang kasi ako... Sino ang magmamahal sa akin?"

I sighed. Reni is now drunk while I'm still on my third glass.

"Buti pa ikaw, babae ka. Someone will still love you despite your flaws. P-paano naman ako? No one will love me because I'm gay. I don't have a vagina but a penis only."

Suminghot siya.

"A-akala ko siya na... Akala ko pagkatapos ng mga lalaking niloko ako, siya na ang totoong magmamahal sa akin."

He drank another glass.

"Wala, eh. Bakla lang ako~"

I stopped him, "Hindi ka bakla lang, bakla ka. You're a wonderful and amazing person. Your gender doesn't define your worth."

"Pera lang ang habol nila sa akin... If I don't have enough money, sino nalang ako? Lumalapit ang mga lalaki sa akin dahil may pera ako."

I shook my head. Ako ang nasasaktan sa mga sinasabi n'ya.

"Sana buong lalaki nalang ako para ikaw nalang ang magustuhan ko, Ace. Magpapakasarap tayo buong araw."

Nagulat ako nang bigla nalang siya humiga. I laughed at myself when I heard his snores.

Panindigan mo ang sinabi mo, Renato.

"Jerly!" I shouted when I saw her walking.

Lumingon siya sa akin, pati ang lalaking kasama n'ya ay napalingon sa direction ko.

"I want to talk with you."

She nodded slowly. Her eyes went to Renato who is now peacefully sleeping.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Upo ka muna," I Invited her. Lumipat ako sa tabi ni Reni para makaupo sila sa harapan ko.

She sat down together with the man she was with. Pinalupot ng lalaki ang braso n'ya as tiyan ni Jerly at inilagay ang ulo sa leeg nito. I cleared my throat by the sight.

"Y-you know James, right?" I started.

Tumaas ang kilay ng lalaki at mas hinigpitan ang yakap kay Jerly.

"Oo, Ace."

"Uhm, he broke up with Reni."

"Hmm?"

I almost rolled my eyes, "What's the score between you and Reni?"

Magsasalita na sana siya nang Inunahan siya ng lalaki.

"There's nothing between my girlfriend and James," may diin n'yang wika.

"I told you... You should tell your friend that James isn't good for him."

Ngumuso ako. Hindi alam ang isasagot.

"That's it?" she asked.

Huminga ako nang malalim, "You know James' new girlfriend?" I asked, nagbabakasaling alam n'ya.

"I don't know, Ace."

Tumango ako.

"Please excuse us," ani ng lalaki at tumayo na para umalis.

Napakagat labi ako. Lucky to Jerly, she found someone who accepts her flaws and imperfections.

Dahil tulog na si Reni ay kailangan kong ubusin ang inorder n'yang inumin.

"Gago. Lashing na yata ako," I whispered as I saw Dawn's name on my phone's screen.

"Babe!" salubong ko.

"What?"

"I miss you," I giggled.

Someone poured a drink on my empty glass.

"Hoy, gago! Baka may drugs 'yon, ah!" sabi ko pero ininom ko pa rin.

"Damn!"

"Hala! Nagmura ka, Dawn! Minus one ka sa langit," humagikhik ako.

"Where on earth are you, woman?!"

"Secret! Walang clue, lolo mo kalbo," tumawa ako.

"For heaven's sake. Don't fucking go anywhere, Solace. Wait for me."

-
Hi! I'm not satisfied sa chapter na 'to talaga hehe. Bawi nalang po ako next chapter