There are people who are good at expressing their thoughts through speaking. May mga tao rin naman na mas pinipiling ipakita ang mga salita nila sa pamamagitan ng drawing, dancing, or writing. It depends on them kung saan sila komportable.

But in my case, I prefer to write it down. I am not saying that I'm good at writing pero mas komportable akong isulat ang mga nakatagong salita sa malinis na papel.

I have freedom in writing. I have control of everything because I am the author of it. I am the god of my writing. Thinking about it makes me calm. Readers can either protest or love the way I write but they can't do anything about it because I am the creator. Sa lahat, ako ang may control. No one will touch any of my letters.

Iyon nga lang, may panghuhusga pa rin sa pagsusulat but a writer doesn't write to impress everyone. Normal lang naman na hindi lahat na makakabasa ay magugustuhan ang akda ng manunulat. As long as there's someone reading and supporting your piece, continue writing. Don't stop just because one butterfly didn't pick your petals, there are still butterflies that go back over and over again to your petals.

"I will give you one hour to finish your poem. Any theme will do."

Almost all of my classmates make noises to protest but I only shrugged. This is better than listening to a one-hour discussion.

I started listing down words.

Pinuno ko ng mga salita ang papel  hanggang makabuo ako ng mga pangungusap.

Under her red cloth, there's a buried furtive
Waiting for others to unveil
White pants with red stains,
What is it all about?

Covered body turns into naked body
Walls pulling back the whispered shouts
Bruised skin and bloodshot eyes
But everyone's obsessed with lies.

She who is the victim became the villain
A messed, they thought
But she's only waiting to uncover the truth,
Truth... Who cares about the truth?

After I finished writing, I felt relieved... I felt at ease. Hindi ako nanginig o nakaramdam ng bigat sa damdamin. I only felt that something in my heart gets freed.

Parang ang mga salitang gustong ibagkas ng batang Solace ay tuluyan ng nakalaya at inilapad ng hangin sa bawat sulok ng mundong 'to.

That's why I love writing... No one knows that the writing came from the writer's experience or this is the life the writer dreamed of kaya isinulat n'ya iyon para kahit papaano, may makakakita ng mundo na iginawa n'ya sa kan'yang utak.

"May nagsusulat pa ba?" Our teacher asked, no one respond so she expected a no from her question.

We were tasked to share our poem in front of the class. Kinabahan agad ako.

Nauna si Reni. I don't have any idea why some of my classmates are already laughing even if he's not yet sharing his work.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Shaira. I can see in her eyes that she's also curious why my classmates are giggling. Nagkibit-balikat nalang ako sa kan'ya dahil kagaya lang din n'ya ako na walang alam sa nangyayari.

Reni bit his lips like he was suppressing his laugh and cleared his throat before opening his mouth.

"For all the times that you rain on my parade. And all the clubs you get in using my name."

Pilit pinipigilan ng mga kaklase ko ang hagikhik nila but how can they stop laughing when the speaker himself has a hard time suppressing his laugh?

"You think you broke my heart, girl for goodness sake. You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't."

It's lyrics from Love Yourself!

Oh my God, Renato.

"And I didn't wanna write a song. Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care."

Malakas na nagtawanan ang mga kaklase ko. I couldn't contain my laughter, too. Our teacher looked at us curiously.

"Silence!" she scolded us.

My stomach is aching because of containing my laugh.

Mabuti nalang talaga hindi alam ng teacher namin ang kanta at walang bida-bidang umungkat ng katotohanan. Dagdag din na maayos ang pagkakabigkas ni Reni, hindi mahahalatang galing Ito sa kanta.

"I don't but, you still hit my phone up. And baby I be movin' on."

Reni's hands are already on his stomach. Siguro ay sumasakit na rin ito kakapigil ng tawa n'ya. Knowing him, sobrang babaw lang ang kaligayahan.

"And I think you should be somethin'. I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that."

My classmates and I laughed loudly after he finished sharing his copyrighted work.

"Ang galing ng Renato namin!"

Humiyaw silang lahat sabay palakpak. My teacher joined us.

"You're good at poetry, Renato," puri n'ya na ikinatawa naming lahat.

"Iwagayway ang bandera ng Beliebers."

We laughed, again. This time ay napuno ng tawanan ang buong classroom namin. Natahimik lang kami ng pinagalitan kami ng teacher.

"Baka ikaw ang kunin ko sa poem writing contest sa susunod na buwan."

Napaawang ang bibig ni Reni while all of us laugh in silence. Our teacher seems serious when she uttered those words!

I wasn't able to share my work because of a lack of time and I'm so thankful for it. Wala rin naman akong balak na bigkasin iyon sa harapan ng mga kaklase ko.

They will surely ask and intrigue my piece. Wala akong planong magpaliwanag sa kanila kung tungkol saan ang isinulat ko.

"Babe!"

Napalingon ako sa likod ko. Stan was heading in my direction with a bouquet of roses in his right hand.

Napasapo ako sa noo ko. I sighed.

He kissed my forehead, "For you."

I gave him a small smile and nodded.

"Let's go?"

He nodded and open the car's door for me. Nagtaka ako nang hindi pa n'ya pinapaandar ang sasakyan.

I looked at him questioningly.

He sighed, "Are we fine, right?"

I nodded slowly, getting more curious.

"You're not going to break up with me tomorrow, next week, next month, or on any other day?"

"Breaking up is part of the relationship, Stan," sabi ko at umiwas ng tingin.

"B-but, I'm serious with you... I've never been like this."

Pumikit ako nang mariin. Ito ang ikinakatakot ko! I don't want him to invest in me too much. I won't give the same amount of feelings he's giving me, I can even give him less than he expected. I don't have a human heart, I have a heart of stone.

"You know my reputation. You should be aware of our ending."

He smiled sadly, "Right. I'm sorry for demanding too much. I should enjoy my remaining days, then?"

Hindi ako sumagot. He chuckled.

"Just tell me when you want to end this relationship. I-I will let you go, willingly."

Tahimik lang kami sa loob ng sasakyan n'ya. Naninibago ako dahil hindi ako sanay na tahimik siya. As I've said last time, there is no dull moment with him. He always finds ways to save the conversation. Palagi siyang may baong topic.

"I'll text when I'm on the house," aniya at hinalikan ako sa labi. Tumango lang ako at lumabas ng sasakyan n'ya.

Nang makarating ako sa sala ay saktong may narinig akong nabasag. I immediately opened the door, thinking na baka pinasukan na kami but I was too stunned to move my feet forward! My lips parted as my eyes went wider.

"M-ma, please... Listen to me," umiiyak na wika ni Yves.

Yves was kneeling in front of my mother while Tatay is behind her, nakatayo lang at walang balak na patayuin si Yves.

"H-hear my voice this time. I always don't have a voice in this house! P-please... nagmamakaawa po ako. Let me speak, don't take away my freedom to express my thoughts."

Napaawang ang bibig ko pero mas lalo itong umawang nang sampalin ni Mama si Yves.

"Ayan ba ang natutunan mo sa lalaking 'yon?! Can you hear yourself, Yves?! Hindi mo na ako nirerespeto!"

"I respect you, Ma! In my 18 years of existence, I have never disrespected you! I never disapprove of all the things you wanted me to do even if I don't like it! Ngayon... ngayong pinili ko ang gusto ko, kasalanan ko na naman! A-ako ang masama... I'm now the villain."

Humagulhol siya.

"D-don't be too hard to me, p-please? I'm tired of reaching all of your e-expectations... I'm tired of forcing myself to climb the top of the mountain even if I'm exhausted. I'm tired of proving myself to everyone... P-agod na ako, Ma. K-kaya isang hiling lang... 'wag n'yo akong mas lalong pagurin dahil pagod na pagod na ako..." another sob escapes her mouth, "I don't know what to do anymore.'

Ang pilit kong pinipigilang luha ay nagsipatakan.

It pains me to hear my sister asking for that. She doesn't have to ask for that because my parents should be willing to give her the freedom and rest she wants.

Every child should be free from all expectations. We are not born to get tired of reaching all of their expectations. We are not here to please everyone.

"After that request, what's next, Yves?! Tutulad ka sa kapatid mo!"

I know she's talking about me.

"M-mawawalan ulit kami ng anak! You know how we tried to bring Solace back to the S-solace we know! W-we tried everything, but... but she was determined to chase for freedom! At ano ang nangyari?! After she gets that freedom, we don't exist in her life anymore!"

Dinaluhan ni Tatay si Mama dahil humagulhol ito.

"K-kinalimutan na ako ng pangalawa kong anak... We had enough."

"Y-you won't lose me."

"Sige! Kalimutan n'yo na kami ng Tatay n'yo!" pain is evident in her voice.

Napuno ng iyak ang bawat sulok ng bahay namin.

"W-we can't handle the pain if we also lose you, Anak. Masakit na sa amin na makitang lumayo ang loob ni Solace sa amin. Pahingahin mo kami sa sakit?"

Tumalikod ako at tumakbo. I heard too much already. Hindi na kaya ng puso ko. Parang winawarak ito... ang hapdi... ang sakit... The pain isn't bearable.

I waited for an hour before I finally headed to my room. Tahimik ang buong bahay. The house feels empty. I suddenly remembered the days when our house was filled with touches of laughter.

"Solace, Yves! Be careful!" sigaw ni Mama.

"Opo!" I shouted and giggled. Nag-unahan kami ni Yves sa pagbukas ng gate namin. She's a slow runner that's why I was the first one to hold the gate... Palagi naman.

Sumimangot siya. Ngumiti ako. Of course, I'm not a selfish sibling.

Her innocent eyes darted on my hands when I pulled her beside me.

"Let's open the gate together," like we always do.

She smiled excitedly, she even clapped her hands.

"One, two, three!"

Magkahawak kamay kaming tumabi para makadaan ang sasakyan ni Tatay.

"Tatay!" we shouted in chorus.

Sabay ulit kaming tumakbo para salubungin si Tatay. My father's arms are already open as if he already knows we want him to carry us.

"Ang asim ng mga prinsesa ko!" he teased us while kissing both of our cheeks.

"Mas ma-asim si Yves, Tatay!" biro ko sa kapatid.

She glared at me. Akala ko ay hindi siya natuwa sa biro ko kaya hihingi na sana ako ng tawad nang inunahan n'ya ako.

"Stop calling me Yves! Dapat ay Ate Yves!"

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko, "You're only one year older than me!" I defended myself.

"Even so! I'm still your older sister!"

"Eh! Yves is fine!" hindi ako nagpatalo.

"It's not fine!"

Bumuntong hininga ako. I placed my index finger on my cheeks to think. I smile after thinking of an idea.

"Pwede naman minsan may ate at minsan wala!"

Tama!

"No! Dapat palaging may Ate!"

Sumimangot ako, "Minsan lang, ah. O sige, Yves ngayon tapos Ate Yves na bukas!"

Tumango-tango pa ako dahil nasiyahan ako sa suggestion ko.

"Hindi nga pwede, Laura Solace! Ayoko! Magagalit ako!"

I don't want her to get mad.

I sighed, "Okay," I pouted.

Masaya n'yang hinalikan ang noo ko, "I love you."

"I love you, Ate."

We both smiled at each other.

"Mahal!"

Mama kissed Tatay's lips and because he's carrying us, we clearly saw it. Ate Yves and I giggled.

"Solace, come here. Mangangalay ang Tatay n'yo."

Mabilis akong umiling.

"You're pregnant, Mama! You shouldn't carry heavy things!" pagalit kong wika. She only laughed and whispered something in Tatay's ears. Umupo siya sa upuan na kandong pa rin kami.

"Dati ako ang kinakandong mo..." makahulugang wika ni Mama kay Tatay.

Yves and I were too busy putting away the pineapple on pizza.

"Mamaya, Mahal," Tatay said and winked.

"What you will do later po?" I innocently asked.

Biglang namula si Mama at umiling.

"Wala anak... Papagurin ko lang ang Mama mo."

Sabay kaming tumingin ni Ate Yves kay Tatay.

"No!" we both said.

Yves glared at him, "She's pregnant, Tatay! You shouldn't tire Mama!"

Tumango ako, "She should rest. Malapit ng lumabas ang baby sister namin. Dapat hindi mo pinapagod si Mama, Tatay!"

Malakas na tumawa si Mama. I got worried because she might move her stomach and the baby inside her will get hurt! I looked at Tatay to ask for help. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ko siyang namumula pero namumutla ang mga labi.

"Mamaya ka pa, ah"

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko.

Those were good memories of us.

Pinagbubuntis palang ni Mama si Nycka noon.

We were a happy family back then. How I wish we could go back to that time.

Parang ako ang sumira ng pamilya namin. I smiled sadly. I didn't mean to ruin our happy relationship... They could just continue being a happy family without including me.

I won't get mad. I will be happy because they're happy! Pero... masasaktan ako.

I smiled bitterly and took a hot bath to lessen my sadness.

"I hate this feeling."

I was done changing my clothes. Handa na akong matulog pero hindi pumapayag ang sistema ko. I sighed and stared at the ceiling. Pumikit ako nang may tumulong luha.

I can't explain what I'm feeling. I'm not sad, I'm not tired. Gusto ko lang umiyak. Feels like my emotions are silently exploding.

Hinayaan ko nalang pumatak ang mga luha ko habang inaalam ang rason kung bakit ako umiiyak ngayon.

Crying without any reason is frustrating. Pakiramdam ko ay nababaliw na ako na ewan.

"You're okay, Solace," I whispered, trying to convince myself and the world.

Nothing triggers me. No one makes me feel bad. It's just my heart and mind made their decision to let my tears out.

Nakatulog din naman ako nang mapagod ang mata ko kakaiyak.

Pagkagising ko ay sumingkit ang mata ko. Natawa nalang ako sa reflection ko sa mirror.

The color of my eyes is just like the normal eye color and it has an upward shape. They said my eyes are the most seductive part of my body. Kahit normal na tumitingin lang daw ako ay parang nangaakit na. Ang ilong ko ay sakto lang ang tangos samantalang ang bibig ko naman ay pouty. I even heard someone saying that I have pouty lips because I kissed a lot of boys.

Mukbang daw kasi ang nais ko.

Nang makababa ako ay sinalubong ako ng tahimik na paligid. My parents are already preparing for breakfast. Sakto ring bumaba ang dalawa kong kapatid na naka uniporme na.

Nycka is the only greeted my parents. This scene is very unusual. Palaging bumabati si Yves sa lahat kapag kakain na kami ng umagahan. Ngayon ay nakayuko nalang siya at napansin ko ang mugto n'yang mata.

Bigla akong nawalan ng ganang sumabay sa kanila... Not because I don't want to eat with them but because I somehow feel guilty.

"I'll eat outside," paalam ko. Tatay Immediately drifted his head in my direction. Ganoon din ang ginawa ng tatlo.

"Why? We are eating in a minute."

"I don't want to eat heavy food today... Kakain nalang ako ng sopas sa labas," Tumalikod ako.

Tuloy-tuloy ang paglabas ko dahil wala namang pumigil sa akin.

I texted Stan to fetch me but he said he can't because there was an emergency at their house.

Napanguso ako. Ayoko pa namang naglalakad tuwing umaga. Ayoko rin namang mag-commute. Maglalakad na nga lang ako!

"Solace!"

I creased my forehead when I heard someone calling my name. Lumingon ako sa kabilang kalsada at nakita si Dawn at si Console! Kumaway siya sa akin at lumapit.

"Dawn! Hi, Console," I smiled and patted his head.

"Sa school ang tungo mo?"

"Yes, but I'll eat muna."

Natigilan siya nang saglit.

"Let's go... May alam akong lumihan malapit dito."

Sumunod nalang ako sa kan'ya habang tahol nang tahol si Console sa akin.

"Console likes you."

Natawa ako, "Talaga? Ikaw Console, ah. Baka dilaan mo na ako n'yan."

I laughed and continue walking but I noticed that Dawn is not walking with me anymore. Nilingon ko si Dawn and saw his cheeks and neck were turning red.

"Okay ka lang?"

Kinabahan ako. He might be having an attack!

I held his hand and shakes it a bit.

"I-I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

Huminga siya nang malalim, "Yeah."

I nodded and let go of his hand. Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad. Tahimik lang siya habang naglalakad kami hanggang sa narating na namin ang lumihan na sinasabi n'ya.

"Dalawang order po, Manang ng lumi. Damihan mo ng patis ang Isa, ah."

Manang laughed, "Oo ba! Suki kita, eh."

Nilingon ako ni Manang. She smirked at Dawn.

"Siya na ba?"

Namula si Dawn.

"Ikaw talaga, Manang... Tara na, Solace. Baka ano pa ang marinig mo kay Manang."

I smiled at Manang and followed Dawn. Kaonti lang ang tao sa loob dahil siguro hindi naman ito kilala.

"You're always here?" I asked. Magkaharap kami ngayon samantalang nasa tabi lang n'ya si Console.

"Oo. Dito ang tungo ko palagi kapag nagugutom ako."

I nodded. The place isn't ideal. Gawa sa kawayan lang ang pader nito pero malinis naman but not aesthetic like other food restos.

"What are you doing here pala? You're just walking with Console?"

Nasa kabilang barangay pa kasi siya tumitira.

"Yes. Napagod lang siya sa paglalakad kanina kaya naabutan mong binubuhat ko na siya."

I nodded.

Dumating na ang lumi sa lamesa namin.

Ngumuso ako. I'm not fond of eating food in a place that isn't known. Not being judgemental pero parang nanghuhusga na rin, I always assumed that the food that will serve isn't healthy and clean.

Napansin ni Dawn ang pagdadalawang isip ko.

"Try it... I promise you this is the best lumi."

He was already eating his while I haven't moved mine.

Napalunok ako at ginalaw ang sabaw. I mixed it well at dahan dahang sumubo.

"How was it?" excited n'yang tanong.

A curve of smile appears on my lips, "It's good."

He sighed out of relief and pursed his lips.

"I told you."

Totoong malasa ang lumi. I'm not lying just to save his face. Talagang nagustuhan ko ang lasa.

"What happened to Console? Nawalan ng ganang kumain?" I asked sabay subo ng pagkain.

"He was sick. Huli ko na nalaman na may sipon pala siya."

"Okay na ba siya?" nag-aalala kong tanong.

"Not yet. I'll have him check-up later."

I pouted. I rubbed Console's head.

"Kawawa naman ang baby na 'to."

Dawn cleared his throat. Kunot noo ko siyang hinarap.

"Gagaling din 'yan. Don't worry, Solace."

Tumango nalang ako at nagpatuloy sa pag kain. I eventually stop when I noticed Dawn's eyes are on me.

"What?" I asked.

He shook his head and stood up. I folded my forehead. Yumuko siya hanggang pumantay ang paningin namin. Nakatingala na ako ngayon sa kan'ya.

Man, he's so close to me! Two inches and our lips will touched.

"A-ano?"

Isinabit n'ya ang ilang tikwas ng takas na buhok sa tenga ko.

I gulped. Parang naliliyo ako sa sobrang lapit ng mukha n'ya sa akin!

His thumb touches the side of my lips.

"Kumalat ang lipstick mo," he then wiped it.

Napaawang ang bibig ko.

"Masarap kasi, 'no?"

He said while eyeing my lips.