tw / / panic attack

When I first experienced a panic attack, I couldn't understand why my body was reacting that way... My body feels numb, my eyes were heavy, I was shivering too much that I can feel my inner body was shaking, too. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit gusto kong masuka pero walang lumalabas and it feels like I was about to shut down, I was gasping for air. Nilalamig ako na pinagpapawisan... Wala akong maintindihan and I were desperate to know everything. Ayokong basta ko lang maramdaman ang mga ito na walang alam kung bakit. Ayokong maranasan ulit ito na hindi alam ang dahilan.

I wasn't aware of mental health issues. I don't care for a fact that someone might be suffering because of their past. I wasn't concerned.

People don't give importance to mental health illness and I was not an exception before. I was lack of awareness and education. Naging bukas lang ang isyung ito sa akin noong ako na mismo ang nakaranas at magiging bukas din 'to sa ibang tao kapag sila na ang nakaranas o ang mahal nila sa buhay.

That's why after experiencing it, I tried everything to figure out what was behind my feelings. I didn't seek professional help. I was alone seeking information and when I found out, I didn't believe myself or I was too shocked to accept my reality. I diagnosed myself based on the reliable research I searched. I also tried online assessment and the result was only the same.

I have a panic disorder.

I diagnosed myself not because I can't afford it, but because I am ashamed of having that condition. I want to keep it to myself. People are very judgemental, they will create conclusions on their minds and I refused to be their victim. Ayokong masabihan na mahina ako kahit alam ko naman na ang pagkakaroon ng panic disorder ay hindi kahinaan. I don't know. I'd better be judged as someone who loves to play with boys and is addicted to sex rather than to be labeled as a weak person.

I found it more insulting to be labeled as a weak person than other negative issues thrown at me.

I am aware that diagnosing oneself shouldn't be tolerated pero anong magagawa nila? Takot akong masabihan ng mahina. I'm afraid of facing the reality, where people aren't considerate and easy to jump into conclusion.

As soon as I heard Dawn's cracked voice, I hurriedly went outside the school. Narinig ko pa ang tawag nila Shaira but I only ignored them. My body was having an adrenaline rush. Tinutulak ako nito na puntahan agad si Dawn.

He needs help.

"Don't hang up... I'm on my way," I said, a bit shaking.

Ilang minuto pa bago ako tuluyang nakasakay sa sasakyan.

I can hear Dawn's sobs on the other line. He was weeping. I can imagine him sitting on a floor with messy hair and wet cheeks.

"I'm coming, o-okay? Wait for me," I whispered, praying that he heard what I said.

I want to assure him that I'll be with him in his breakdown. Ayokong maramdaman n'ya na mag-isa siya sa laban n'ya kagaya nang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing inaatake ako.

Being alone fighting your battle sucks. Pakiramdam mo sa bilyong mga tao rito sa mundo, walang handang makinig sa mga nais mong iparinig.

Stan: I'm here. Where are you?

Napasapo ako sa noo ko. I forgot he has plans today! I promise him I will see him today! What a mess, Solace!

Hindi na ako nakasagot nang tumigil ang sasakyan. Mabilis akong nagbayad at tumakbo sa loob ng simbahan.

"Dawn? Where are you?!" I shouted.

I gasped for air while roaming my eyes around the church. I can feel my sweets dripping down my forehead.

"Shit. Where is he?" I placed my hands on my knees. Huminga muna ako nang malalim at pinunasan ang namuong pawis sa noo gamit ang aking palad. Inilibot ko ulit ang mga mata sa paligid.

Napatigil ang mata ko sa nakabukas na pintuan. It's an empty room here in our church.

I slowly walked near the room but my steps went faster after hearing a loud sob.

"Dawn!"

I saw him kneeling while his head is on the floor. Ang palad n'ya ay nakatabon doon.

"H-hey... You are now safe," I whispered.

Patuloy lang siya sa pag-iyak, hindi pa n'ya nakikita na nasa tabi n'ya na ako.

Nanginginig kong ipinatong ang kamay sa palad n'ya. Nagulat siya at lumayo sa akin. Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak n'ya, tila takot na makaramdam ng hawak.

"This is Solace. Remember the bubble pop-up? I gave it to you," I said so he could recognize me.

He slowly lifted his head. Tumama ang mata n'ya sa mata ko. I gave him an assuring smile.

"Ang sabi ko sa 'yo, ligtas ka kapag narito ako."

I opened my arms so he could hug me. Unit until siyang lumapit sa akin at niyakap ako sa nanginginig na katawan. I caressed his back.

"As long as I am here, no one will hurt you."

Nanginig ang braso n'ya kakaiyak.

"Someone... someone will hurt me... S-she will hurt me! No one believes she can hurt me."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko. Parang pinipiga ito sa sobrang sakit.

"T-they won't believe me... But I am telling the truth. D-dahil sa kan'ya, nandidiri ako sa sarili ko," humagulhol siya.

I tightened my embrace, "I will protect you from her."

"R-really?"

I nodded, "I am your Solace, remember? I will be your consolation in distress."

"B-but I will be a burden."

Umiling ako, "No, Dawn. You are not a burden."

"You will get tired of me. Mapapagod ka sa akin, lahat kayo mapapagod sa paulit ulit kong pag-iyak."

Tuluyan ng sumabog ang kirot sa puso ko. It spreads to my entire body.

He is mentally unstable. Ganito palagi ang iisipan n'ya and the best thing I could do is to assure him and make him feel that he's not a burden to me.

"I won't get tired of hearing your sobs. I won't get tired of embracing you until you feel okay, again. I won't get tired of running to you because I am your Solace..."

I combed his hair using my nails and kissed his forehead.

"I will fight for you. We will fight the voices inside your head."

He tightened his embrace to me.

"T-thank you... Thank you, my Solace."

A smile appears on my lips. Tumango ako.

"That's it, Dawn. I am your Solace."

He let go of the hug. Nakangiti na siya ngayon sa akin hindi katulad noong pangalawang beses ko siyang nakitang umiyak. He was problematic at that time because I witnessed his breakdown.

"How are you feeling?" I break the silence.

He cleared his throat, "I never felt better after a breakdown. This is the first time."

Nakaramdam ako ng kaginhawaan, "That's better."

"And it's because of you."

"Dahil sa sarili mo 'yon, Dawn. I'm just part of it but I'm not the main reason."

He shook his head to disagree.

"It's because of you, Solace. Your words comforted me... Y-your embrace protected me."

Tumango nalang ako at nagpatalo nalang sa kan'ya.

"I'm sorry for calling you."

I frowned. Hindi nagustuhan ang sinabi n'ya.

"Don't apologize! I was the one who told you to call me. Please, don't mention again your apologies. Hindi naman kita pinilit, Dawn."

He laughed. Sumimangot ako.

"I'm glad you find my words funny," I said sarcastically.

He raised both of his arms, "Okay. I'm sor~, I mean, I don't find it funny."

"Really? Eh, ba't ka natawa?"

He only shrugged and stood up. He offered his hands to help me stand. Iniabot ko iyon.

He looks totally fine now. Parang hindi siya umiiyak.

I quietly smiled.

"Thanks."

He put both of his hands in his pocket.

"You want to go with me?"

"Hmm? Saan?" I asked but he didn't respond. Instead, he went to the backyard of the church.

Sa likod kasi ng simbahan ay may malaking espasyo pa ito na ginawang garden na may mini playground. The mini playground is for the kids, they can play here after the service.

"Ikaw din ba ang naglilinis dito?" tanong ko. This place is too big for him to clean alone!

"Oo, ako lang mag-isa."

Napaawang ang bibig ko, "Really? Kaya mo?"

"I don't have a choice," nagkibit balikat siya.

"But if you have a choice, you'll stop working here?"

Napatigil siya nang ilang segundo.

"To answer your question... I don't know. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung magkakaroon pa ba ako ng choice."

I want to ask more questions but I keep it inside me. Hindi ko kontrolado ang utak n'ya, he might think I'm only curious about his life.

Being curious about someone's life isn't a good example. It looks like you only listen to his words because you want to know more or you are curious. Listening isn't wanting to hear more, it's because you want him to release his emotions... It's because you care.

"I'm not like you who can do everything but still, your parents are there. I have to work my ass off alone so I could live."

Wala ba siyang mga magulang?

I don't have any information about his life. Hindi naman ako ang tipo ng tao na nanghahalungkat ng buhay ng iba.

He chuckled, "Let's go... I have to water the plants."

I didn't follow him because I heard a bark of a dog. I roamed my eyes around and found the dog sitting in the swing. Ngumiti ako rito. Dumiretso ako roon.

Baka nakapasok lang siya dahil nakalimutan kong saraduhin ang gate kanina.

"Ba't ka naman naligaw dito?" I asked the dog while caressing my hand on his head.

Ginalaw n'ya ang buntot n'ya kaya natawa ako.

The dog doesn't smell bad. Parang alagang alaga ito kahit asong kalye lang.

"Ang bango mo naman... Sana aso nalang ang seatmate ko," biro ko.

"That's my dog."

Nagulat ako nang may nagsalita sa likod ko. Dawn is already holding a two watering can.

"Talaga? I thought naligaw lang," I pursed my lips.

Umiling siya. Lumapit ang aso sa kan'ya. He kneeled in front of the dog and kissed its forehead. Pinikit naman ng aso ang mata n'ya.

Wow! Feeling jowa?!

"You stay with her, okay?" Dawn pointed me. Lumingon naman ang aso na parang lubusang naintindihan ang amo n'ya at tumahol.

I don't know if the dog refuses to stay with me or not. Pero base sa klase ng tahol n'ya ay parang okay naman sa kan'ya.

"Can you take care of my dog? I'll just water the plants," he requested.

Masaya akong tumango, "Sure. I'll gladly do that."

Ngumiti siya at tumalikod na. His dog barks and was about to follow him but Dawn shook his head without facing us. Parang naintindihan ng aso ang nais n'yang ipahiwatig kaya bumalik siya sa tabi ko

"You're an obedient dog, huh?"

Hindi siya kumibo. Nakatitig lang siya kay Dawn na nagdidilig na ngayon ng halaman. I wonder what's his name.

"Ano nga pala ang pangalan mo?" I asked curiously.

Bantay? Browny? Whitey? O baka naman yellowish?

Parang naintindihan n'ya ang itinanong ko kaya gumalaw siya nang gulamalaw until I noticed its pet collar.

Kumunot ang noo ko at yumuko para mabasa kung ano ang nakasulat doon.

"Console?"

What a name! May pangalan bang ganoon? This name is weird.

"Your name is Console?" I asked for confirmation. Ginalaw n'ya ulit ang buntot n'ya para kompirmahin ang sinabi ko.

Hindi pangkaraniwan ang pangalan ng aso na ito, ah. It feels like Dawn think this name for more than a week.

Sa sobrang pag-iisip ko ay nagulat nalang ako ng biglang tumahol si Console. Tumalon siya kay Dawn. He carried Console.

"He must be really fond of you."

Dawn chuckled, "Of course, he lives with me."

"Sabi ko nga..."

Natawa lang siya sa akin. Sumimangot naman ako.

"Ihahatid na kita sa Inyo."

My eyes widened, "Huwag na! Magpapasundo nalang ako."

"Are you sure?"

I smiled, "Yes."

He shrugged, "Sabagay... I'm only riding a bike."

Naramdaman ko ang hiya sa boses n'ya.

"You have a bike?! Sana all. I also want to have a bike but I can't have it now."

"Why?"

"Wala pa akong pera."

His lips parted but he closed it immediately.

"You can ask your parents to buy you one."

Mabilis akong umiling, "I don't do that. The bike isn't a need to me, it's just my want."

He nodded slowly. Nakalabas na kami ng simbahan.

"Who will fetch you here?"

Because of what he said, I remember I have plans with Stan today. I hurriedly got my phone.

"Shit."

Stan: I'm here. Where are you?

Stan: Babe? Should I go inside the school?

Stan: Your friends said you went outside to see me. Where are you?

Stan: I'm waiting.

And a lot more messages. I also have 25 missed calls and it's only from him!

Napapikit ako nang mariin.

"Is there something wrong, Solace?"

Napalunok ako. I fake a smile, "Ahh. Wala... I have to go, Dawn. See you when I see you!"

Mabuti nalang at may nakasalubong akong kakilala kaya pinasakay n'ya ako sa sasakyan n'ya at inihatid sa bahay.

The last text I received from Dawn was one hour ago and nothing followed. Mas mabuti na rin 'yon para may rason siyang makipaghiwalay sa akin.

Tyra: Kuya said, you are about to break up with him? Is that true?

Napabangon ako sa text ni Tyra. I creased my forehead. I don't have plans to break up with Stan because I'm expecting that he will break up with me.

Solace: He told you that? Bakit raw?

Instead of receiving a reply from her, I received a call.

"You won't break up with my Kuya, right?" Tyra's voice broke.

I gulped. Hindi ako makasagot.

"He said you ditched him earlier. Ate, please... You're not breaking up with my brother!"

Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ni Tyra habang nagsasalita siya.

She's breaking down, Solace!

I shouldn't give her another reason to breakdown more.

"Tyra, I didn't ditch him. May emergency lang."

Pero hindi ko rin siya pwedeng paasahin... Hindi ko rin siya pwedeng bigyan ng rason para mas lalong bumigat ang nararamdaman n'ya.

This is so hard. I don't want to be part of the reason for someone's suffering. She's been through a lot. Ayoko ng dumagdag pa sa iisipan n'ya.

"Right?! Kuya is overreacting! I told him you won't break his heart because you love him!" masaya na ang boses n'ya ngayon.

"R-right."

"You should message or call him, Ate! He's crying and if he is crying, I am crying also. You don't want that to happen, right? Ayaw mong umiiyak ako."

I gulped and closed my eyes. I combed my hair using my nails and took a deep breath.

"Okay. I'll message him."

Solace: Hey. I'm sorry earlier. I have an emergency to attend to earlier. Hindi ko na nasabi sa iyo dahil nagmamadali ako.

Humiga ulit ako sa kama ko.

Stan: I was so worried, Ace! I thought I'm going to lose you. I am not going to lose you, right?"

Bigla kong narinig ang boses ni Tyra. It feels like she's whispering that if I break up with his brother, she will cry herself out.

Kailan pa ako naging duwag?! Damn!

Nanginginig akong tumipa.

Solace: Let's sleep, Babe. Good night.

Pumikit ako. I should make a way to break up with Stan without Tyra getting hurt. O baka dapat bigyan ko ng rason si Stan para hiwalayan ako.

I was too busy to think of a way that I didn't notice someone is calling on my phone.

Hinagilap ko ang cellphone ko.

Dawn is calling...

I immediately answered the call.

"H-hello?"

"You answered..."

Kumunot ang noo ko, "Of course!"

"I was calling at you but you were not answering."

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. I checked my phone and saw that he have two missed calls!

"I'm sorry. I just finished taking a bath," I lied.

Huminga siya nang malalim, "It's fine. I thought you're not going to answer."

Umupo ako sa kama. I grabbed my hair together and put it on the left side of my neck.

"Hindi, ah! One call away lang ako, 'di ba? Hindi lang ngayon dahil busy ang Solace mo."

I felt him smile on the other line.

I cleared my throat, "Bakit ka nga pala tumawag?"

"Uh, I want to ask something..."

"Go. Spill your questions, Dawn."

"May pinakain ka ba kanina sa aso?"

"Wala ka namang kinain kanina, 'diba?"

He was quiet for a while. Malakas akong tumawa.

"I'm just kidding."

"What a nice joke, Solace."

I cleared my throat to stop myself from laughing, "Uy, biro lang... But to answer your question. I didn't. Wala naman siyang kinain kanina."

He took a sigh of relief, "Okay."

"Why?"

"Nothing... Wala kasi siyang ganang kumain. He might have eaten something," I felt him shrug.

"Baka ayaw n'ya lang? Ang issue mo naman."

He laughed a bit, "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Okay lang!"

"Uhh, I have to go."

"Okay."

"Good night, my Solace."

I felt like my stomach turned upside down.

"Good night, Dawn."