I wasn't able to move for a minute. Nakatulala lang ako sa harapan ni Dawn.

"What?' he raised his brows.

I shook my head to wake up my senses. I closed my parted lips and drifted my gaze to my waist where his hand was firmly holding it.

"Y-your~"

But before I could protest, Stan pushed him and pulled me beside him. Hinawakan n'ya ang bewang ko kung saan nakahawak si Dawn kanina.

"What are you doing?!" iritadong tanong ni Stan.

Tamad na sumagot si Dawn, "You should ask your girlfriend. Hindi tumitingin sa daan."

Napaawang ang bibig ko. The guts?! Sasagot na sana ako nang tinalikuran n'ya kami.

"Ang yabang ng lalaking 'yon!"

Huminga ako nang malalim, "Hayaan mo na," I said calmly, not sure who's I'm trying to calm.

I gritted my teeth in annoyance. The audacity of that man to utter those words in front of me!

I have a share of fault because I bumped him but he could just do the initiative to avoid me. I'm sure he already saw that I was about to bump at him!

Baka naman sinadya n'ya talaga iyon para mahawakan ang bewang ko!

I didn't lose my balance earlier so what could be the reason why he held my waist? Huh!

I breathe in and breathe out to calm my nerves.

"What happened? Ang tagal mo sa restroom so I went to see you."

I suddenly remember the reason why I bumped into Dawn.

I roamed my eyes around to look for Jerly. I sighed in defeat when my neck gave up from stretching too much.

"Jerly and I talked. Hahabulin ko sana siya but that happened."

Naglakad na kami pabalik sa table namin.

"I saw her go out from the club while I was heading to the restroom to look for you."

I frowned and nodded. Kaya hindi na siya mahanap ng mata ko kanina!

I poured a drink on my glass and drank it. My eyes found Reni. He was walking alone towards our table.

"Where's James?" I asked when he sat in front of me.

"Umalis... Emergency."

"Really?"

"Oo, Bakla. Bakit?"

I shook my head and drank another glass of liquor, "Nothing."

Stan saw Jerly go out from the club. James also left the club. They both left.

Umiling ako. This could not be. I'm just overreacting. Ang sabi naman kanina ni Jerly ay wala siyang pakialam kay James.

And James is in love with Reni. I can see it through his eyes. I witnessed how he takes care of my friend. He accepted him despite people calling him names, despite the judgemental look of society on their relationship. Ngayon pa ba n'ya lolokohin ang kaibigan ko pagkatapos ng lahat? They've been through a lot.

I won't forgive him if my conclusion happens. I trusted him for my friend! Reni spent his years with different guys who only used him for money. He had enough of faked love. He deserves a genuine love who will love the whole of him.

It saddens me that gays like him had a hard time looking for true love. Ang gusto lang naman nila ay makatanggap ng totoong pagmamahal pero ang bumabalik sa kanila ay puros pangloloko and it's because of one factor... their gender. Kung sana lang ay mas bukas na ang mga tao ngayon na wala sa kasarian ang pagmamahal. They could be treated well.

"Kapagod, Bakla!" Reni groaned.

"How will you not be tired when your butt kept on grinning?" I rolled my eyes at him.

He smirked, "Enjoy naman."

"Pokpok ka talaga."

"Mana sa 'yo," he fired back.

We both laughed. Hindi na ulit ako nakabalik sa dance floor at sinamahan nalang si Reni na uminom. It's a good thing that Stan stayed with us. Hindi siya uminom nang malala para maihatid kaming dalawa ni Reni.

I wasn't able to attend the Sunday service today. Umaga na ako nakauwi galing club kaya hindi ko na pinilit ang sariling sumama. Beside, my head is hurting a lot. I have to sleep more.

Nagising nalang ako dahil sa sobrang sakit ng ulo.

"Bwiset, inom pa Ace!" singhal ko sa sarili ko.

Diretso kong ininom ang buong baso ng tubig.

I closed my eyes out of annoyance when I heard a knock on the door. I heavily walked towards the door and opened it.

"Ano?!"

My annoyance drips down and changes into surprise and confusion as well.

Why is he here?

"D-dawn?"

"Your father asked me to get his wallet."

"H-huh? Bakit?"

Tinaas n'ya ang kilay n'ya, "Because he forgot it."

I rolled my eyes, "Obviously... Bobo," I whispered the last word, "Pero bakit ikaw?"

"He asked me, I obliged..."

I looked at him with doubt written on my face.

"Hindi ako kukuha kahit piso sa pitaka n'ya, Ace," he uttered coldy.

I gulped and nodded slowly. I'm not saying anything!

"Kukunin ko na," paalam ko but he didn't even respond! I only ignored that and ran towards my father's room. I have a spare of keys to their room so I don't have to worry about opening their door.

Nang mahanap ko na ito ay bababa na sana ako nang may natandaan ako. I still have a bubble pop-up left with me that I haven't used.

"Should I give it to him?" I whispered.

Baka magtaka siya kung bakit bibigyan ko siya nang ganoon, pero sayang din naman kung walang gagamit! Bahala na. I will just reason out later.

Dumiretso ako sa kuwarto ko at kinuha ang bubble pop up.

"Here," sabay abot ko ng wallet ni Tatay.

He only nodded and was about to leave when I called him.

"Dawn..."

He stopped and faced me with a creased forehead.

"What?"

I cleared my throat and deep a heavy sigh.

"Uhm... Sa 'yo nalang," I handed him the bubble pop up.

Tumaas ang kilay n'ya. His lips curled up.

"Bakit?"

"Huh? Ano, uhm. I just want to give you this. W-wala namang gagamit na iba," I reasoned out, a bit shaking.

A ghost of smile plastered on his lips pero pinilit n'yang magseryoso.

"Thank you, then."

Tumango ako at tumalikod sa kan'ya.

"Solace."

Napatigil ako. I held my hands together. Pumikit ako nang mariin at hinarap ulit siya.

"Hmm?"

"Here," may iniabot siya sa akin.

My forehead creased.

"Biogesic?" nagtataka kong tanong nang makuha ka iyon sa kan'ya.

"You drink too much alcohol last night. You might need this."

I gulped, "T-thank you."

He only nodded and left me without saying anything.

Hindi ko alam na kanina ko pa pala pinipigilan ang paghinga ko. I blew inside my mouth.

Isang oras pa bago natanggal ang sakit ng ulo ko at nang mawala ito ay naligo ako para makaalis ng bahay. But before I could get out, Yves entered my room. Nakauwi na pala sila galing simbahan.

I arched a brow at her.

"What are you doing here?"

She bit her lips and held her hands together. She heaved a heavy sigh.

"A-about what you heard."

Hindi ako sumagot. I only stared at her.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to~"

I stopped her, "Don't. I don't care anymore. Kinalimutan ko na 'yon."

"Y-you forgive me?"

"I don't have to forgive you, Yves. Wala kang kasalanan."

She only said those words because she was hurt. The words came from her emotions.

Ganoon naman talaga ang mga tao. They didn't intend to utter those words until the emotions inside their heart that they've been hiding for so long are too much to handle.

Their emotions speak for them and it's not their fault. Iyon ang nararamdaman nila.

A tear pooled down her cheeks, "I just need someone that time, Ace... I-I feel like I am not enough to everyone."

"It's not your responsibility to be everything to everyone."

"I was craving for someone's comfort, t-tapos si Tatay ang naalala kong taong maiintindihan ako because he always understands you. Kung naiintindihan ka n'ya, b-baka ako rin kasi anak n'ya rin naman ako, eh... but I felt invalidated. I felt nothing but a useless girl."

She closed her eyes and it releases another group of tears.

"I was doing everything, Ace. Y-you're not doing the best... but you're still his favorite. Ako, ginagawa ko ang lahat para may mapatunayan kahit hindi ko naman gusto... lungkot lang ang kapalit pagkatapos gawin ang lahat pero ikaw, you're not trying to impress them but they noticed you. Y-you show your bad side and they don't have a say in it because they're used to your character while... I have to continue living their perception of me because once I show the personality they don't want to witness, may sasabihin sila. Ako ang magiging kawawa... Ako ang magiging masama."

Huminga ako nang malalim. My sister was crying in front of me. I should hug her, right? But my muscles won't move! It felt glued.

Nakatitig lang ako sa kan'ya. I was holding my breath.

"I cried, I'm sorry... I'll go now," she wiped her tears and left.

I was left with a painful heart.

Ano ang pinagkaiba ko kay Tatay? She felt invalidated by him. She might also felt invalidated when she cried in front of me and I did nothing but stand and stare at her! I didn't even hold her hand.

Hindi ko namalayang may tumulong luha na pala sa mata ko.

"Gosh, what did I do?!"

Ang ayokong gawin sa akin ay ginawa ko sa iba... Mas malala pa ay sa kapatid ko iyon ginawa!

That's one of the factors why people are afraid to open up to someone... the feeling of invalidation.

It takes a lot of courage to talk about your suffering, to share with someone your pain. Hindi kailan man naging madali na buksan ang sugat sa ibang tao dahil sa takot na baka mahusgahan sila. Judgment might not be in words, but eyes can speak... They say comforting words yet their eyes say the opposite, their eyes speak judgment. They hugged and rubbed your back but the sincerity wasn't there. Pinapalabas lang nila na kasama sila sa paghilom mo pero ang totoo ay dumagdag pa sila sa kailangang ihilom.

That's the reality.

People tend to encourage their peers to open up their problems with them but when the other person did, they won't give justice to it.

And what I did to my sister is no exception. I'm one of those hypocritical people who are waiting for others to open up but do nothing. Mas lalo ko pa ngang pinalala ang sitwasyon n'ya.

"Ate Ace!"

Nakangiti akong sinalubong ni Tyra. I equaled her smile.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine! Come, let's go inside," hinila n'ya ang kamay ko. Nagpatianod naman ako sa hila n'ya.

"Kuya Stan is still taking a bath," aniya. I only nodded.

Umupo kami sa sofa nila. She got her laptop and showed me the screen.

"This is what I'm doing for the past days ever since I got confined, Ate. My therapist said this will help me divert my attention."

I honestly don't understand what was on the screen. It's just a line? Too messy... so hard to figure out its meaning.

"That's good. Can you explain this to me?"

"These are emotions line... I draw this one," she pointed the wavy line, "To express that I'm hungry!" She giggled. "Ang straight line naman po ay dahil I'm feeling good."

Tumango ako. This one is creative.

This is hard to understand if the person didn't explain the meaning behind it.

"How about this?" I asked about the spiral lines. Sa lahat ng mga linya ay ito ang may pinakamarami. Halos puniin na nito ang screen ng iPod n'ya.

"This... this explains when I'm frustrated. I-I am always frustrated, Ate."

I held her hand, "Why?" I asked softly.

"B-because I'm this. I don't want to be this anymore. Gusto ko ng makalaya... Gusto ko ng sumaya, 'yong totoong saya. I want to stop pretending that I'm fine. I am frustrated because after trying hard, I am still like this, I'm still here. P-parang walang nagbabago. Ganito nalang palagi. This is tiring."

I went closer to her and hugged her. I caressed her back.

"It's only you who thinks there are no changes, but there are. I can see it. You are improving, Tyra. You are still in the process yet you've grown a lot, ang layo na ng narating mo. You will gradually heal."

Honestly, I don't know if people even heal. I think it's just forgiving but not healing. Every time we remember a certain memory that causes us to suffer, we got hurt. Kahit na sabihing tuluyan ng nakalaya sa panahong iyon, masakit pa rin kung babalikan.

So, does healing really exist? Or it's just a word that we keep telling ourselves to continue what we started?

"I feel fuck up. I feel so lost. I promise, Ate... I tried to forget everything but this nightmare won't forget me. It's haunting me every night. W-words are whispering that I shouldn't survive because I made my family worry. Naging pagbigat ako."

I hugged her.

"I never felt a disappointment until that day! I never felt a burden until someone r-raped me... hindi ko naman ginusto."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi n'ya.

"This PTSD doesn't feel like a phase, this feels forever."

Pilit kong pinipigilan ang pagtulo ng luha sa mata ko. I kept reminding myself that I should not take this moment to Tyra. She's showing her vulnerability to me, I shouldn't be venerable as well. I should be her walls.

But her words... parang ako ang nagsasalita. It feels like it came from my mouth.

"What happened isn't your fault... I-it's not our fault."

Huminahon din naman si Tyra at bumalik ang sigla sa mukha n'ya. She is playing with her dog now.

"Babe..."

Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Stan galing sa likod.

"Pinagod ka ni Tyra?"

"No. We just talked," I shrugged.

"So, give me the permission to tire you in my bed?"

Hinampas ko ang braso n'ya na nakayakap sa akin.

"Your sister might hear you!"

He laughed and kissed my nape. Umupo siya sa tabi ko. Binuhat n'ya ako at ipinakandong sa kan'ya.

"Sige. Bukas nalang."

I pursed my lips, "Ayaw mo ngayon? We can do it in your car?"

"Babe... I am tempted but let's do it tomorrow?"

"Fine! Pero anong meron bukas?"

His smile faded. Sumimangot siya.

"You don't remember?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. I was trying to remember what's with tomorrow but I can't remember anything.

"Tomorrow's our first month!"

My lips parted.

Tumagal kami nang isang buwan? Really? I can't believe this! Wala pang lalaking tumagal nang isang buwan sa akin. Siguro noon, sumobra pa sa isang taon.

I must be enjoying Stan's company.

"Ahh. And?"

I felt him get offended by my words.

"No. I mean, what's our plan?"

Huminga siya nang malalim, "It's on me."

I only shrugged, "Okay."

Stan and I dined out. Umuwi nga lang agad kami dahil hinahanap daw siya ni Tyra.

I admired how Stan loves his sister. It felt unconditional. He took care of Tyra when she got hospitalized. They could just hire a person who can take care of her sister since his parents are capable of doing that, but he chose to stay with her. He even chose to take care of Tyra instead of doing training for their upcoming basketball game.

His future girlfriend is lucky to have him.

Stan decided to fetch me after my afternoon class. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang plano n'ya. I just let him lead the plan. Wala rin naman akong plano at sa totoo ay wala akong balak gawin. I don't find this day special.

"Umabot kayo ng first month, ah?"

I rolled my eyes at Reni.

"This is the first time, right? Are we expecting more months?" Shaira joined.

"Boto naman ako sa kan'ya, Ace. He's good to you."

"Ewan ko ba sa inyo. I might break up with him after today," ani ko.

"Why won't you try, Ace?"

"Try what?" I asked Shaira.

"Try to fall in love with him? Or you might be in love with him but you're stopping yourself to feel that? Dahil takot ka?"

Natawa ako nang bahagya, "Kakabasa mo 'yan ng pocketbook."

Umiling nalang ako.

I'm not bluffing when I say I felt nothing for Stan. Siguro pagmamahal bilang kaibigan lang. Falling in love with him is too far to reach. Wala sa vocabulary ko 'yon.

I'm liking his company and as long as I'm enjoying it, I won't find another man. Kapag naramdaman ko na ang sawa at gusto ko ng tumikim ng ibang lalaki, I won't hesitate to tell to him. I will just enjoy his company this time.

Stan: I'll fetch you after five minutes.

Dahil sa text ni Stan ay nagpaalam na ako sa kanilang dalawa. I went inside the restroom to fix myself.

I only removed my uniform's blazer. Naka sando at maikling palda nalang ako ngayon.

While applying concealer on my face, my phone vibrated. I groaned. Ang bilis naman ng five minutes ni Stan! I only ignored it but I received a call this time. Inis kong kinuha ang cellphone sa loob ng bag ko.

I answered the call without looking who the caller was.

"Ano?!"

But I was too shocked upon hearing the voice.

No. Shocked was underrated. I didn't expect to receive a text from him, mas lalo na sa tawag!

"A-ace. Help me... S-she is coming."