tw / /  panic attack

"Really?! Here?"

I fixed my dress and stood up from straddling Stan's lap.

"What's your problem?!" Lumapit si Stan kay Dawn. He pushed him but Dawn was fast to balance his body.

"Kayo ang may problema," he said in a monotone voice.

I sighed. No. Really? What's his problem? He's acting like he's my father!

Dawn chuckled annoyingly, "Pumili naman kayo ng tamang lugar," he then looked at me like he's very disappointed.

Stan closed his fist. I reached it to calm him. I don't want him to create chaos. Dawn's eyes stared at our hands.

Ngumisi siya kahit wala namang nakakatawa, "Are you that addicted to sex? Hindi na kayo makapaghintay? You're disgusting, then."

I gulped. Ano ba itong nararamdaman ko? Bakit pakiramdam ko ay nahihiya ako nang makita n'ya kaming may ginagawa? It's not that this is my first time being caught making out by someone. May mas malala pa nga noon na teacher ko ang nakakita sa akin but I didn't feel embarrassed.

"At ikaw, Ace..." I was taken aback, "Today is your father's birthday. You should have given him rest from you."

Nainsulto ako sa sinabi n'ya. I walked closer to him.

"Why are you so mad? Hindi naman kami nakita," I smirked even if irritation is already spreading on my system.

He gritted his teeth, "Hihintayin n'yo pang may makakakita sa inyo bago kayo tumigil, 'no?"

"What's your problem, Dawn? Malandi ako. It's natural for me to have sex."

Annoyance with a mixture of pain crosses through his eyes.

"Your father must be really disappointed in you," he uttered while shaking his head and left us.

I felt a great wrench of sadness. What is this?! Hindi naman ako nakakaramdam ng sakit sa tuwing may binabatong masasakit na salita sa akin! Why I am so fucking affected by what he said?!

"I'm sorry. Dapat ay napigilan ko ang sarili ko," I blenched a bit when Stan held my arm.

"It's fine. Hindi rin ako nakapagpigil."

"We can continue on your room?" he suggested, a bit grinning.

Mabilis akong umiling. I don't let anyone enter my room except for my family and two best friends.

That's my safest place here in our house. Ayokong kung sino sino lang ang nakakapasok.

"Ayoko... I'm not turned on anymore. Let's just eat outside."

He heaved a deep sigh and nodded defeatedly. Nang makarating kami sa garden ay pinagtitinginan kami ng tao. Their eyes automatically fixed in me as if they've been waiting for me to come out.

Nagtaas ako ng kilay habang hila-hila ang kamay ni Stan.

"Bagong lalaki nanaman ni Solace?" I heard someone gossiping.

"Baka? Gan'yan naman palagi 'yan," sagot ng isa.

"Totoo! What's new?" sabay silang nagtawanan. They only stopped when I darted my sight to them. Lumapit ako sa kanila.

"Go out... You're in my territory," I uttered without emotion. Kilala ko ang mga 'to. They're friends with Yves.

They only stared at me with shivering lips and moist eyes.

"Didn't you hear what I said? Lumabas kayo sa bahay."

"W-we didn't mean~"

"Lalabas kayo o ikakaladkad ko pa kayo?"

Dali-dali nilang binitawan ang pinggan na hawak nila at tumakbo na palabas.

I looked at everyone who's staring at me and rolled my eyes. Napasinghap sila at nagtago ng mukha sa papamagitan ng buhok. Tila mga takot na mapaalis sa bahay.

Nakikikain na nga lang, sila pa ang mga matatapang.

"That's savage," Stan whispered. I only smirked.

They deserve what I did. They're on my territory, well not literally mine because this is my parent's house but I have the right on this place, too! I am staying here and it's their responsibility to give me a comfortable shelter.

"Ace... Anak!"

Tatay called me. Lumingon ako sa kan'ya.

"What?" I asked.

He didn't answer, instead, he grabbed my wrist. Tumigil kami sa lamesa kung nasaan nakatipon ang mga regalo n'ya.

"Nagustuhan ko ang regalo mo, Anak!"

My heart softened. I hid my smile by staring at him coldly.

"I was the one who suggested that, Tito."

Biglang sumulpot si Stan sa tabi ko. Napanis ang ngiti ni Tatay pero kalaunan ay ginawaran n'ya ng tipid na ngiti si Stan.

"Happy birthday nga po pala," Stan greeted.

"Mabuti ka pa nakabati na sa akin. Si Ace wala pa!" he tried to make his voice happy but I can sense the sadness in it.

I gulped and heaved a heavy sigh. Wala namang mawawala sa akin kung babatiin ko siya.

"Happy birthday."

He smiled... Ngiti na ang hirap abutin.

"S-salamat, Anak."

Tumango lang ako. He got the lamp and showed it to me as if I didn't see it.

"You're still ten years old here... Saan mo ito nakuha?"

Nataranta ako nang bahagya. I don't want him to know that I'm keeping old photos of us. I actually have lots of old photos on my flash drive.

"Uhm... On my old Facebook account," I reasoned out.

Hindi ko na ginagamit ang Facebook account na sinabi ko.

I sighed out of relief when he buy my reason.

"Ang liwanag pa ng mukha mo riyan. You looked so beautiful here."

"I am still beautiful today," sabat ko na ikinatawa n'ya nang bahagya.

"Of course, you are. But your smile and eyes look genuinely happy here, ngayon ay parang pilit nalang ang mga ngiti mo."

A tear escaped his eyes but he immediately wiped it. He faked a smile.

"C-can I hug my princess?"

I didn't know what to do. His eyes are filled with hope. I gulped and slowly nodded. Ngumiti siya at mabilis akong niyakap.

He carefully rubbed his palms on my hair, "I miss hugging you... Ilang taon na ba noong huli kitang niyakap?"

Hindi ako sumagot. I only closed my eyes while resting on his chest.

Yakap ng isang ama ang matagal ko ng hindi nararamdaman.

"I am blaming myself for who you are now. Gusto kong ibalik ang dating ikaw... Pakiramdam ko ay may mali sa 'yo kaso kahit anong pilit kong malaman, you're good at hiding things," Tatay gulped down a sob, "Ano ang nangyari sa atin, Anak?"

"B-balik tayo sa panahong hindi mo pa kayang hindi ako k-kausapin sa loob ng isang araw, Anak ko?" he added. I can almost here him pleading.

Napadilat ako ng mata. I can feel pain in my heart. Parang sinaksak ako sa sobrang sakit nito.

I was a daddy's girl. Lahat ng mga ganap ko sa buhay ay alam ni Tatay. He's my best friend, my buddy, and my living diary. He's the first boy I love but our closeness faded when I chose to fix things alone... When I chose not to ask help from him.

I want to tell him everything. Gusto kong magsumbong sa kan'ya kagaya ng ginagawa ko noon sa tuwing inaasar ako but I'm afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid he won't believe what I'm going to confess.

"But I am proud of you, Ace. You've grown a lot without a proper guide from me."

He let go of me.  Nakaramdam ako ng awkwardness that's why I directed my eyes in a different direction. Nahuli ko ang tingin ni Yves. May lungkot at inggit ang nakita ko sa mata n'ya.

My eyes are still teary but I managed to arch a brow at her. Pinilig n'ya ang ulo at nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin.

I breathe in my mouth and shake my hands to stop myself from bursting into tears.

"Babe... I have to go."

Hinarap ko si Stan na nakangiti, "Why? You haven't eaten anything."

He showed me his phone, "Emergency."

I swallowed hard. I saw in the text that her sister was brought to the hospital because she was having a panic attack.

"A-alright. Send my regards to your sister."

Tumango siya at tumakbo na. I can see the concern in Stan's eyes.

It must be hard for him to see her sister in that situation. Mas lalo na sa mga magulang n'ya pero hindi naman kasalanan ng kapatid n'ya 'yon. She didn't choose to have a panic attack. She didn't choose to be... raped by a random guy.

It was also hard for his sister to be in that situation. Alam kong napapagod na siya kakaiyak, napapagod na siyang makita ang pamilya n'yang umaalala sa kan'ya pero wala siyang magawa because her traumatic yesterday kept haunting her.

Kahit anong pilit n'yang kalimutan iyon, nakadikit na sa utak n'ya ang mga nangyari. She can't just erase it whenever she wants. It takes years to finally move forward.

I didn't notice that my father is still looking at me. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kan'ya at aalis na sana nang may tumawag sa pangalan ko.

"Ace!" A familiar voice called me.

Reni waved his hand and ran in my direction. Kasama n'ya rin si Shai.

"Happy birthday, Tito." they greeted in chorus.

Pagkatapos nilang batiin si Tatay ay kumuha na sila ng pagkain at tumabi sa tabi ko.

"Buti pinayagan ka, Shai?" I asked. It's rare for her to attend a birthday party. Minsan nga kahit sa birthday ko ay kailangan pa n'yang umiyak para payagan lang siya.

Her parents don't trust me.

"Tanga. Tumakas lang ang babaeng 'yan!" Reni answered.

My eyes widened and my lips fell apart. This is a surprise for me.

"Tangina! Totoo? Omg!" I shouted a bit.

Shaira going out without asking for her parent's approval will be the death of me. I'll die happily.

"Of course, not! I wouldn't do that!"

Tiningnan ko nang masama si Reni. He only laughed.

I almost put a crown on Shai's head after hearing that she escaped! Tapos...

"Shuta ka talaga, Renato."

It's his turn to look sharply at me. I stick my tongue out.

"But, honestly! You have to experience escaping from your parents."

Ako ang nasasakal sa kan'ya, eh. Her life must be so boring. If she's not staying at their house, sa paaralan naman. Himala nga at nandito siya.

It's not new to me that her parents don't want her to be around me. Akala nila ay mahahawaan ng pagiging malandi ko si Shai. That won't happen. Shai has control and is a decent woman. She's better than me. They shouldn't worry.

"Maging laspag ka raw muna bago n'ya iyon gagawin."

Inihagis ko ang lumpiang kinakain kay Reni. Nakita 'yon ng ibang tao kaya napanganga sila.

"Shuta ka! Nakakahiya," Ranato whispered.

May hiya pala ang isang 'to.

"Don't be. Handa naman namin 'yan," sabay rolyo ng mata sa mga nakatitig sa akin.

"Omg! Kuya Nehemiah is here pala!" impit na tumili si Reni. Sinundan ko ang tingin n'ya. Kuya Nehemiah is still with his wife, Ate Jassy. She's resting on Kuya Nehemiah's shoulder while he was whispering something in her ears.

They looked so in love with each other.

"Ang guwapo n'ya talaga. Ang linis pa ng mukha," Reni admired.

"Ang landi! Magkaka-anak na 'yan!"

Hindi naman ako ganoon kalapit kay Kuya Nehemiah but I talked to him one time and he's so full of wisdom! Akala ko nga ay susundan n'ya ang yapak ni Tatay, eh.

"If he's not yet married, gagapangin ko 'yan."

Shaira hit Reni's legs. Sumimangot naman ang lalake sa kan'ya.

"Ikalma mo ang tite mo, Renato."

Madami pa ang kinain nilang dalawa bago nagpaalam na aalis na sila. Hinatid ko sila sa gate namin at pumasok na sa loob ng bahay.

I was about to enter my room when I remember that I haven't drink water. Kaya imbes na sa kuwarto ang tungo, dumiretso ako sa kusina but I was shocked with what I saw.

"D-dawn?"

He was fucking crying. No! Not just crying... He's grieving and mourning.

He's sitting on the floor. I concluded that he was washing the dishes because the water kept on flowing. Basa rin ang kan'yang damit.

"D-dawn."

His hands and lips were trembling. Ang kan'yang labi ay numumutla na hindi kagaya noon na sobrang pula.

Namumungay ang mata n'ya na parang pagod na pagod siya sa araw na 'to.

"D-dawn... This is me."

This is familiar to me. He's having a panic attack.

I was about to hold his hand but he didn't let me. Lumayo sa akin at nagmamakaawang tiningnan ang mga mata ko.

"H-huwag. Don't hurt me... Parang awa mo na."

Umawang ang bibig ko. I gulped. My heart lingered with too much sadness.

"Hindi kita sasaktan... Kakampi mo ako."

Tumingala siya sa akin. His face clouded with a mixture of doubt and hope.

"I'm here. Don't worry. You're safe with me. "

Yumuko siya at mas lalo lang naiyak. I went closer to him and held his shivering hands. He let me hold his hands this time.

Sobrang lamig ng kamay n'ya habang pinagpapawisan.

"You don't have to be afraid. I'm not a bad person, okay? Mabait ako. I'll take care of you, Dawn."

It hurts seeing him like this.

I know what he is feeling. Hindi man talaga kagaya sa akin, pero naiintindihan ko ang sitwasyon n'ya at alam ko ang pakiramdam na nagtatago para hindi makita ng ibang tao ang nangyayari.

"You don't have to be alone... I will understand you."

Hindi na ako nakatiis at niyakap siya.

Naalala ko ang mga panahon na umiiyak ako mag-isa. No one knows I'm in pain. Ang alam lang nila ay masaya ako.

I have no one to talk to about my problems. Pakiramdam ko wala akong pwedeng pagkatiwalaan kahit ang pamilya ko. How will I trust them if they already judge me without hearing my story?

"I'm here... I will protect you," bulong ko, wishing that someone will whisper that to me, too.

I was tired of feeling sad, crying all night, remembering that day, and blaming myself for what happened. That's why I'm diverting my attention to other people, specifically to boys because I know that I'm not capable of making myself happy. I'm trying to find happiness with them.

Gusto kong maramdaman ang totoong saya pero hangga't nabubuhay pa ang nangyari sa utak ko, hindi ako tuluyang magiging masaya.

There are days that I was begging for the Lord to take away my pain and that's the worst pain ever.

I remember uttering these words...

"Lord, if ever I won't survive my battle with depression, forgive me... Protect my family and friends. Don't let them mourn for me. Don't let them experience what I experienced."

Pinilig ko ang ulo ko at pinunasan ang luhang umaagos sa pisngi ko. I shouldn't think about that.

Matagal pa bago kumalma si Dawn at nang kumalma ay nanlaki ang mata n'ya.

"A-anong ginawa mo?" sabay bitaw sa yakap ko. He wiped his tears.

He is now back to his normal senses but he still had a hard time breathing.

"Hugging you."

"W-why?"

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone about this. Malandi ako pero I can keep secrets, Dawn. Kaya 'wag kang mag-alala."

Hinilamos n'ya ang mukha n'ya, "P-please, keep this as a secret."

Tumango ako and smiled genuinely at him, "I promise. This will remain to the two of us."

Huminga siya nang malalim, tila nabunutan ng tinik.

"If you experienced this, again. Call me."

He creased his forehead, but his eyes screams tiredness, "B-bakit?"

Matagal ako bago sumagot. I am not sure if he's comfortable with it but I hope he will.

I can't be his therapist nor his rehabilitation person but I can be his consolation in distress. I want to help him... I want to heal with him.

"I will be your Solace."