tw / / self-harm, R-18

I don't recommend you to read this chapter if you're going through something. This might trigger your mental health.

Pinilig ko ang ulo ko. I'm not definitely settling down. That's impossible! Settling down means being faithful to your partner and I can't do that. Hindi ko kayang maging faithful, I can be loyal but not faithful. And heck! I'm not in love with Stan. I'm only attracted to him and I lust for him a lot.

Being in love with someone is the last thing I'll do.

And besides, I don't want my lips to taste only one lip. Paniguradong magsasawa ako kung ganoon.

"I'll go ahead," Shai kissed my cheeks. I waved my hands at her as she got into their car

Stan told me to wait outside the school. Siya na raw ang maghahatid sa akin, as he should. Habang hinihintay siya ay may dumaang babae sa harapan ko. She stopped walking and stood up beside me.

Red hoodie and white pants.

I was taken aback. My insides were trembling in too much nervousness. Pilit kong kinakalma ang sarili ko pero mas lalo lang akong nanginginig. My hands were numb yet shaking and sweating. Ang noo ko ay napuno ng pawis. Bigla rin akong nilamig na parang binagsakan ako ng walong yelo at nagsimulang nanlabo ang paningin.

I want to move my body away from her but I was too stunned. My feet feel like a rock, it's too heavy! I was literally paralyzed.

"Miss? Are you okay?" the girl asked. She held my shoulder. My arms automatically shoved her away.

"N-no," nanginginig kong wika. My heart was pounding so fast.

Ang tiyan ko ay unti-unting sumasakit. My muscles became tenser.

She called me again but I was fast too run. Natigil lang ako when I bumped into someone.

"Babe!"

"Ahh! No! S-stop!" sigaw ko sa nanginginig na boses. I closed my eyes and covered my ears with trembling hands.

"Hey. This is Stan. Are you okay?"

Bigla ko siyang niyakap. Naramdaman ko ang kuryosidad sa kan'ya pero niyakap n'ya pa rin ako pabalik. He caressed my back that made me calm a bit.

My mind flew from the memories I want to forget. I closed my eyes firmly and took a deep breath. My heart is hyperventilating. Pakiramdam ko ay mawawalan ako ng malay ng wala sa oras.

Matagal ko pa siyang niyakap bago bumitaw.

"Okay ka lang?" he asked in a concerned voice.

"Y-yes."

I managed to smile despite the racing of my heartbeat.

"You looked scared."

Umiling ako, "I'm fine. I just want to hug you" palusot ko at niyakap ulit siya.

I sighed when he buy my explanation. My brain isn't functioning well, wala na akong ibang maisip na palusot. All I can think is about my worries... my past.

"Are you giving my reward now?" he asked, grinning, after I let go of him.

"Can I go home first?" matamlay kong tanong, "I'm tired. Baka hindi mo magustuhan ang performance ko."

He chuckled, "Fine. Tomorrow, then?"

I nodded.

I have trouble breathing while in the car that's why my chest is aching. It's suffocating me and I feel like I'm going crazy.

Tinakbo ko ang kuwarto ko nang maihatid n'ya ako. I went to my bathroom and washed my face. Nang matapos ay binuksan ko ang cabinet ko.

"You're fine now," I whispered while sliding the blade on my right index finger. I was cutting it vertically.

I wasn't satisfied yet. Mas lalo kong idiniin ang blade. The blood flows on the floor. Kumuha ako ng tissue para roon tumulo ang dugo ko. I don't want to clean after this, ang gusto ko nalang ay matulog. My energy went negative after what happened earlier.

After feeling relief, I placed the blade I used on a container that is full of used blades. Nakagawian ko ng itipon ang mga nagamit ko sa container na 'to.

If others collect perfumes and books, I collect blades. It's not that I'm weird. I just feel superior whenever I took a glance at it dahil ilang beses ko ng ginawa 'yon but I'm still standing strong. I only hurt myself to feel at ease and not wanting to kill myself.

That's the most misconception of self-harming. It is said that a person who used to hurt themselves wanted to die but it's not the real agenda! Maybe in some other cases, ganoon nga pero madami akong nababasa na ang reason nila ay hindi gustong mamatay. It's they want to divert the emotional pain into physical pain... to feel that they're existing and not just living.

"Ang dami n'yo na pala," I looked at the collection of my blades.

What I felt earlier was completely vanished after hurting myself. This is what I always do. This is my therapist.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

"Why can't you forget it? It happened a long time ago!" I shouted while gritting my teeth.

It's hard to forget painful memories but the happiest memories are easy to forget.

I have to move forward because the world won't stop moving just because I can't move on from 'that'. Kailangan kong kalimutan ang mga nangyari para tuluyan ko ng makamit ang kalayaan na gusto ko. I can't always be like this. I have to heal and I need to do it alone.

Walang ibang tutulong sa akin. I only have me.

"I heard what happened earlier."

I stopped eating and looked at my mother. I didn't give her any emotions. I just looked at her blankly.

"Mama..." pigil ni Yves sa kan'ya. I rolled my eyes at her. If I know, she's the one who informed my mother.

"Lian, we are eating. Respect the food and Him," pigil ni Tatay. Binalik ko ang attention sa pagkain but she interrupted me again.

"What's on your index finger?"

"Band-aid," I simply answered.

She closed her eyes, "What happened to that?"

"Why? Are you concerned?"

She was taken aback. Nagpatuloy na siya sa pag kain na hindi sinasagot ang tanong ko.

"You have two band-aids on your fingers too last month, Ate!"

Tumingin ako sa nakakabatang kapatid ko, "Yeah."

"Mommy said you only put band-aid when you're wounded and hurt. Are you hurt, Ate?" she asked.

Their eyes are on me. Naghihintay sa sagot ko.

"I'm not... hurt," I stood up and left them. I went inside my room and after a minute, my father followed me with a box in his hands.

"Gamutin natin ang sugat mo, Anak."

Kumunot ang noo ko, "I'm fine. I don't need that."

My wound isn't big. Sumasakit ito pero kaya ko naman.

"But your wound needs this. Mas bibilis ang paghilom ng sugat."

Wala na akong nagawa nang inabot n'ya ang kamay ko.

"It's been two years when you started putting band-aid in your fingers and until now you don't stop doing that habit."

Hindi ako sumagot. He gulped when he removed the band-aid. Pain crosses his eyes.

"You have to take care of yourself. Hindi pwedeng ikaw mismo ang sasakit sa sarili mo," nahihirapan n'yang wika.

"I and my friends were cutting some vegetables earlier," I explained like he can sense that I'm hurting myself.

"Be careful next time... I remember that you cry kapag nasusugatan ka sa tuhod noong bata ka pa and I was there, ready to rescue my princess."

I didn't respond.

"You will only stop crying if your mother gives you a yakult. That's your favorite drink!"

"That was," mahina kong tugon.

My favorite drink now is wine.

He look deeply into my eyes, "What happened, Anak?"

"I told you I cut myself w-when we cut vegetables."

Umiling siya, "No. What happened to my little princess? W-what happened to my daughter? T-this is not you."

Tumayo agad ako nang matapos n'yang gamutin ang sugat ko.

"I-I miss my Princess Laura," his voice cracked. Hindi ko siya nilingon kaya umalis na siya.

I didn't notice that a tear dropped down my cheeks. I immediately wiped it.

"I don't miss her."

I like the new Laura Solace. Palaban at hindi takot magpakita ng totoong kulay. I don't want to get back to that phase. The phase where I'm too soft and a people pleaser.

We went to church the next day. Siguro ang isa sa mga nanatiling ugali ko ay ang pagiging palasimba. I don't know. My brain is telling me to go to the club instead of going to the church, but my heart wants to stay here.

"He carries me when I cannot walk. He handed me things that I cannot reach. I don't have feet and arms but I am blessed for I know He won't let me carry this pain alone."

Nagpalakpakan ang lahat ng tao sa loob ng simbahan, including me. A man who can't walk and reach things is having a testimony.

"I believe in Him not because my family told me, but because I experienced His greatness. Sa panahong gusto kong sumuko, He whispered in my ears that I don't have to fight because He will fight for me... Sinukuan ko na ang sarili ko pero hindi N'ya ako sinukuan."

Mas lalong nagpalakpakan ang mga nakikinig. Some even cried because of his testimony. I can't blame them, he inspired a lot of believers. He didn't blame God for the uncertainties that happened to him.

Pagkatapos ng testimony n'ya ay si Tatay naman ang sunod na tumayo sa gitna. He preached the word of God. He's been serving Him after he married my mother. Kaya rito na ako lumaki. I grew up with a religious family and it sometimes sucks.

It sucks because they're too conservative. Masyado silang relihiyoso pero ang ugali ay mas masahol pa sa aso.

I went to the garden after the service. Nasasakal ako sa loob dahil sa mga matatanda. They kept on asking me about what going on in my life.

I messaged Stan to fetch me. Nang bininalik ko ang mata ko sa harapan ay nasilayan ng mata ko si Dawn.

"Hoy!" tawag ko.

He looked at me with a creased forehead. I walked closer to where he was standing.

"You're still here, huh? After seeing you in a club. I can't believe you're still working here."

"What?"

Napaawang ang bibig ko, "Oh! You might be too drunk to even remember what happened."

"Hindi ako 'yon!"

Tumawa ako, "Sino 'yon? Kambal mo?"

He pressed his lips together. Tila nagtitimpi sa akin.

I put my index finger on my left cheeks and pouted. Sinundan n'ya lang 'yon ng tingin, "I wonder why would a religious man goes to a club."

"Why are you so nosy? Don't you have a life?"

"Curious lang naman ako, Dawn," I said in a teasing tone.

Sasagot pa sana siya nang tumunog ang cell phone ko.

Stan: I'm here at the outside.

Ngumisi muna ako sa kan'ya, "You looked wild in the club. Bagay sa 'yo."

Pumasok ako sa loob ng sasakyan ni Stan. He immediately grabbed my waist and made me straddle his lap.

"You looked innocent wearing these clothes," bulong n'ya habang binubuksan ang butones ng dress ko .

I was wearing a dirty white long sleeve dress that ends under my knee. Sobrang tago ang katawan ko rito dahil this is the protocol of our church. Ayoko namang ibreak ang rules ng simbahan.

He successfully removed my dress. Ang natira nalang aa akin ay undergarments.

"What are you waiting for? Remove it!"

He chuckled, "Too excited," sabay sunggab ng halik sa akin.

He bit my mouth that made me moan. He took that as a chance to enter my mouth, he explores every corner of it. Habang hinahalikan n'ya ako ay hinubad ko ang bra at panty ko. I was now naked in front of him while he was still full of clothes.

"F-fuck..." his thumb was drawing circles on my nipples.

Habang ginagawa n'ya iyon ay tinanggal ko ang sinturan n'ya at isinunod ang pantalon. I pushed him.

"I'll give your reward," I uttered sexually. His adam's apple moved and he brushed his hair using his fingers.

Stan adjusted his seat so I could kneel in front of him. I played with his thing before entering it into my mouth.

"S-solace, move it... faster!"

I followed what he said. I moved my mouth faster and faster until I tasted his orgasm. Kumuha ako ng tissue para punasan ang labi ko.

"That was... heaven," he said while his eyes are closed.

I gave him more time to get his normal self back. Nagbihis na ako ng high waisted short at fitted off-shoulder.

"Nahimasmasan ka na ba?" I asked, a little bit smirking.

"Your mouth fits my thing," aniya.

Umiling nalang ako, "Drive me to the mall first."

I'll buy a gift for my father's birthday. Nakahiligan ko na itong gawin simula pagkabata.

I went to the men's department. Halos lahat ng naka display ay naibigay ko na sa kan'ya.

"Para kanino ang ibibilo mo?" Stan asked.

I almost forgot that he's with me.

"For my father," I roamed my eyes pero wala talaga akong makitang magandang ibibigay.

"I know a shop that creates customized lamps."

"Ano naman ang gagawin ko sa lamp?" I asked, not interested in his suggestion.

"You can use his picture or your photo with him?"

Natigilan ako sa huli n'yang suggestion. Our photo together. Dali dali kong kinuha ang cellphone at chineck ang hidden photos.

A picture of us when I was still ten years old.

"Let's go to that shop."

This is just nothing. Gift ko lang 'to sa kan'ya dahil wala na akong maisip na maibigay. Walang special sa regalong 'to.