Even as she slept she was restless. She constantly moved and shifted.

I had been awake for about an hour. I'd done everything I could to make taking down camp as quick as possible, but I didn't want to wake her.

Despite what she said, I knew this magic attack had weakened her somehow.

I looked down at my hand. Small burn scars marked the inside of my palm and the back of my hand. They weren't bad at all, but she seemed so upset about it.

You're a better man than I thought you were.

I wondered what she thought of me before, exactly.

She stretched and sat up, I looked away.

"How long have you been up?" She yawned.

"About an hour." I glanced at her.

She looked around. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"I figured you needed sleep, considering yesterday's events."

She quickly gathered her things and got to her feet. "I told you I was fine."

"Actually, you told me not to worry about it."

"Actually, I said both." Any progress I had made with her was ruined at that moment. I could practically see the walls forming around her.

I frowned. "Why won't you tell me why it's happening?"

She shot me another one of her glares. "Stop prying."

"Fine, I'll stop asking about it. But why are you being so bitchy all of a sudden?"

She stopped moving mid-step. "Excuse me?"

Bad choice of words. I mentally kicked myself. "Last night you jumped up to heal my burns and held my hand when it was hurting me." I could almost feel the warmth of her hand in mine. "Now you're glaring at me because I want to know why you almost drowned in the river?"

"You saved my life, it was only fair I fixed the burns I caused." She walked past me, intentionally hitting me with her shoulder.

"And the hand?" I turned to her.

"If you didn't notice earlier, I've raised my sisters for the better part of my life. It was a reaction." She didn't bother to turn to me.

That would make sense, but something in me didn't believe her. "It was a reaction to hold my hand and then tell me a story?" I almost laughed.

She turned around, tears had formed in her eyes. "Why are you making this so difficult? I agreed to help you find your friend, not teach you. Stop trying to understand. You will never understand, just give up."

I stopped moving. "Understand what?"

"What it's like. Being like me. You keep asking for stories and reasons, you want to know what we were raised on, why we act the way we do."

"Is that why you won't tell me why your magic attacked you?" I stepped forward.

"No!" She yelled at me. "I wasn't telling you because for a second I thought you cared. For a moment I thought maybe, just maybe you were better than every other Kalheim soldier I'd ever met, and I didn't want to hurt you." Her voice got quiet as she said the last words.

"What do you-"

She cleared her throat, cutting me off. "My magic is attacking me because your people took the Stone of Celeste. My magic was made to work alongside every clan's magic, without the Map magic, it's failing."

Now I understood why she kept this from me. Guilt washed over me. I looked up at her with confusion. "Veya, I do care. As soon as I take my father's place on the throne I will make this better. What did I even do?"

She shook her head. "Don't make promises you can't keep. And don't pretend you saved me because you cared about me. You want your friend back, that's all. I don't blame you for that, I need the Stone and Mari, but don't pretend this is anything more than a transaction."

I couldn't even speak. I'd practically forgotten about Elyse.

Was that why I jumped into the water?

I didn't think so. But I knew there was nothing I could say to her at this point.

Maybe she was just having a bad day, maybe tomorrow we would wake up from this nightmare.

Nightmare?

Get a hold of yourself, Eres.

I grabbed my things and looked at her. "Well, we better start moving then."

She nodded and turned around without saying anything.

How fucking stupid can one person be.

A horrible thought had crossed my mind the night before. He didn't save my life because he cared about me.

He was just trying to find his friend, he needed me.

I scolded myself for everything I had said and felt.

You're a fool Veya. A fool who is desperate for any sort of attention.

I stared at Eres as we walked. The events and thoughts of last night filled my mind.

He saw you naked and you proceeded to put his head in your lap and hold his hand? Where has your mind gone Veya?

More importantly, where was his going?

I'd never cared much about my looks, but I wasn't unaware of my beauty.

Senna hadn't been the first man to long for me, and I was certain he wouldn't be the last.

My mother's words ran through my mind again. She always seemed to be aware of the men I attracted.

They might want you now, but once you give yourself up you're worthless to them. They want shiny and new, not used.

Don't give yourself up. I thought to myself.

Over the years it had been tempting. I'd always wanted to know what it would feel like to be loved, even if it only lasted for a moment.

Tears stung my eyes again. Love.

This wasn't that. It couldn't be that. I wouldn't let it.

That's why I yelled at him right? If I convince him I feel nothing, I can convince myself.

Right?

The memories filled my mind. I'd done this before.

Childhood friends pushed away because my mother knew that look in my eyes and feared I wouldn't be able to control it.

Meeting a kind boy who made Sifa just a little bit warmer.

Shoving down every bit of that warmth at my mother's request.

Focusing on growing my abilities and avoiding the boy until all the warmth disappeared.

Overdoing it. Never feeling so much as a spark again.

My heart aching when that boy looked at me the same way I had looked at him years ago.

Having no mother to stop me and being free to say yes.

Feeling nothing.

Hearing a voice in a marketplace.

Stop.

A warm gust of air after years of frigid winters.

I looked away as he caught me staring.

Winds lie. One moment the air is warm, the next it's snowing.

I stared at the ground. Go back to your icebox. Go back to feeling nothing for anyone at all.

Even if I felt something for him, I couldn't pursue it.

There was no time, and he couldn't be trusted. Even if he had saved me yesterday, it was for his benefit.

I'd push it down like before. I'd push it all down. No matter how much it hurt.

...

heh...

<3