JAYDEN

I am not proud of myself.

I have been feeling Jake being swayed by Skylar for a while now. If I am being honest, I felt like I was holding on to our relationship, grasping at straw, keeping us together by the tips of my fingers.

I knew Skylar was a worthy competitor. I knew he was a player in high school; frankly, I cannot exactly blame him. It's not like I spent four years of high school living like a monk, I played the field as one would.

But I could never have imagined that he would fight so intensely for Jacob - and it's not even a fair fight! He did not lavish him with expensive gifts; that would have been too easy for him. No, he was thoughtful and considerate. He was the perfect man, and that is something that I could never compete with. I am far from being perfect.

Despite what some people would say about me being one of the most eligible bachelors in Ravenwood, I am deeply insecure. Not about my body or anything of the sort, I just always felt like the ugly duckling next to someone like Skylar.

I know I project strength and confidence, that is what you are supposed to do as an Alpha - especially in the mix of so many Alphas - and I have been doing just that. But I am not the guy who gets violent, I am the one who stops other people from getting violent.

I am deeply ashamed of myself for going berserk on Skylar as I did. It wasn't his fault that Dr. Anderson did not approve of me. But he touched a nerve. I was already feeling insecure prior to that event, so when he suggested that Jake shouldn't go to Georgia with me, I just snapped.

But that was wrong of me for going after him like that. I am fully aware of that and have been beating myself up about it from the moment it happened until now.

Now that I am alone, I have time to think about the consequences of my actions.

Not only did I disappoint my grandfather, I have disappointed my parents and myself.

I am mortified by my behavior. I shouldn't have allowed him to get under my skin like that.

I regret that most of all.

Now Jake has told me that he was going to Texas with the Strongholds, I feel like I practically gift wrapped him to Skylar. If before I still had a chance of being with Jake, now I have made it worse for me to get approved by his mother and pushed my beloved to be with Skylar.

I was already feeling the struggle before, when I was still in the picture. Now that Skylar has Jake all to himself, I don't think he will ever come back to me. It's breaking my heart to even admit this to anyone, but I feel in my heart that Skylar has won him over. No matter how hard I wish he wouldn't.

Then again, I haven't been myself lately.

I am not the jealous type, for one, and seeing myself next to Jake, being suspicious of his time with Skylar in Boulder is not a good color on me. If Jake said nothing happened, then nothing happened. It shouldn't take him yelling at me in the busy cafeteria for me to realize that.

Why did I get so affected by Skylar's attempt to woo Jake?

He has been nothing if not loyal to me, even after Frederick Stronghold approved of him for his son. Why would I ever suspect that my angel would lie to me? If he says nothing happened, then nothing happened. Period.

I have never been this insecure in my whole life, but somehow Skylar brings out that in me. I guess he is everything that I could not be. Well, not everything. But somehow I forgot my worth as a partner and what I could bring to the table that nothing else could.

I know I dropped the ball in the month that I was without Jake, I should have fought harder for him. I should have never taken my mother's word as a final decision. I should have fought like hell and proposed to him on the spot. I should have never used Skylar's idea to win over Jake. Why did I let him get to me like that?

I am not even that competitive!

I am the strong, confident type. I know my worth or at least I used to. Somehow, Skylar made me feel so insecure and that was the beginning of the end for me. I should have never let him rattle my cage. I should have stood my ground and done what I had been doing for Jake, being myself, that is all he ever wanted from me and that was what won him over in the first place.

I know I did wrong and I know where I went wrong. I don't need a therapist to figure that out - though it was the first thing my mother suggested when I arrived home after being suspended for two weeks from school.

I did some analysis of myself and my behavior lately and I realized that was not me.

I should never have played this like a game, like a competition. I should have grounded myself in what I could do and who I was because I could never beat Skylar, I could never be Skylar. I am not Texan, I am not blonde or Caucasian, I am not a millionaire, I am me. The black boy from Georgia.

I was raised by a biracial mother and a black father with a clear conscience of my heritage, but I was raised to be proud of who I am. The same way my late grandmother raised her daughter to be a proud woman and Alpha, no matter the color of her skin.

Somehow, I lost sight of that and thought I could never compete with a white, rich boy. Not to say that I am poor, just not that rich. No one is.

Anyway, Jake didn't care about money or the color of my skin. All he wanted was someone to see him for the true magnificent partner that he could be, the wonderful boy that he is. Somehow I lost sight of that and I never should have.

I let Skylar win by thinking I could compete with him on his level and that was my first mistake. It was never a competition in the first place. I could have just stood my ground, be me, and Jake could be lying on my bed tonight instead of sleeping a few feet from Skylar.

By the way, it is not lost on me that the only reason Dr. Anderson even thought about Jake's secret feelings for Skylar is because I was jealous of a dream he had of the blonde boy. I shot myself in the foot, irritated Jake in the process, and gave ammunition for a psychologist to think that her son harbored feelings for the person he dreamt of.

How stupid can I be?

Why did that bother me so much? It was just a dream and I am not even a jealous guy.

Somehow, my own insecurities got the better of me and that was the end for me.

I do have plenty of reasons to see a therapist after all. I did not think I was so insecure like that. Why did I ever think it was a competition with Skylar? All I had to do was stay in my lane and do my own thing. It was all that mattered to Jake, being my authentic self.

Now there is a good chance that I lost him forever.

When I returned to Georgia after my grandfather spent an hour berating me about what it means to be a Lockwood Alpha and to carry that name, my parents sat me down for a heart-to-heart.

My mother was puzzled as to what prompted me to get as violent as I did, that is not the son that she raised. Not at all. I broke down in front of my parents, admitting my insecurities about Jake and the thought of losing him to Skylar.

My mother told me what I already knew deep in my heart.

'Son, this was never a competition. The boy with whom I spoke in Ravenwood loved you. All you had to do was be yourself and that would be it. He never needed you to be anything other than yourself and you should never have engaged in a competition with any other boy. He was already yours, the only thing that could jeopardize that is you losing sight of who you are.'

Well, she really hit the nail on the head. It was never a competition.

This isn't a dating reality show - nothing against it, I love them - and Skylar was never my opponent. He shouldn't even be on my radar. All I had to do was focus on my boyfriend and that was it. I got sidetracked and that was what got me to fall from grace.

I cried for the longest time in my mother's lap, feeling so remorseful and regretful.

I don't know why I thought that Jake would ever come to Georgia to stay with me after that. I got the ball rolling for him to explore his connection with Skylar, so when he FaceTime me to tell me he was going to Texas instead, that was just the nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship.

Who could have thought that I would be outromanced by Skylar Stronghold?

A guy who likely never had to fight to get any girl or boy in his bed before.

I should have relied on myself and that should have been enough, it would've been enough for Jake, I am certain of it. But through my insecurities, I let him slip away from me and now that he will spend the weekend with the Strongholds, Skylar has the means and the opportunity to do what I didn't in the time that I had with him. He will make a play for Jake's heart and it will only take one push for my beloved Omega to fall for him.

Tears come to my eyes.

I have been crying every day since Tuesday when I got suspended.

But it got worse once Jake told me he was going to Texas with the twins. I felt him slipping away from me forever. Pain washed me over with its intensity and massacred me with its weight. The weight of my own insecurities that allowed for Jake to distance himself from me.

I did this. I lost Jake. Skylar did not win. He did not Conquer the Omega. I lost the best prospect candidate that I could find in that environment. I did this. There is no more time to play the blame game. I have to own my mistakes. I punched Skylar, he did not throw a low blow. He did not boast about anything he did with Jake - because they never did anything except for spending time together in Boulder.

I was the one who lost sight of my own worth. That should never happened and I will talk to my therapist about it. I should have stepped into my power and left it at that. I could have a handsome boy in my bed, instead of pushing him towards Skylar's.

Not to compare me with the Queen, but Beyoncé did not become the megastar that she is because she let other people bring her down. There will always be people to bring you down, but if you step into your power, no one can take that away from you.

Everybody hurts, everybody makes mistakes, everybody fails. But this failure is of my own making. I let him get under my skin, I gave him permission for that and it should never have come to pass. Like I said before, I can't compare myself to anybody else. I can only be me and pray that is enough. And it was for Jake, I am sure of that.

I cried myself to sleep on Friday night. My parents were worried for me once they saw the state that I was in on Saturday morning, that is when I told them that Jake was going to Texas instead of coming here. My mother told me that what was mine was reserved for me by the Goddess - it is something that people used to say when there were mates.

I smiled at her for the thought, but in the real world, I could not rely on the Goddess to get me a partner. I have to do the work myself and I lost sight of who I am and what I am about. But what I am mostly embarrassed about is being responsible for delivering Jake to Skylar. Had I not been suspended, he could very much be here with me, despite his mother's denial.

When I think about it, everything bad that happened between Jake and me was my own fault. It's not like Skylar trash talked me to him or his mother. He did his thing and I should have done mine. I should have been just Jayden and that would've been enough.

I cried the whole weekend from the pain of losing Jake.

There is a deep fear within my soul that he will never be mine again.

I cannot shake that my deepest insecurity has come to pass.

By Sunday, I received word from Jake that he was going to talk to me when I return from my suspension and that is when I knew for sure. I've lost him to Skylar, just as I knew I would. It's a catch-22 type of situation. I was so afraid of losing Jake to him that I ended up pushing him towards my nemesis.

When did I ever become Othello?

The black lead from Shakespeare whose jealousy gets the better of him. He created a whole fiction in his head that his beloved was with someone else that in the end... well, spoiler alert, it did not end well.

I was so in my head about it that I manifested my own failure.

Well, not anymore.

It's time I remember who I am and what I can bring to the table.

I will mourn my relationship with Jake because I love him very much, but I shall accept his decision as I must. I did this. There is nobody else to blame than me, no matter how hard I want to blame Skylar for my downfall, I simply cannot do that.

My therapist said to me that 'you can't control how others will react, you can only control how you react to a situation' and she was right. This should have never been about any other boy, the secret was in myself all along.

It's like the end of "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy clicks her heels. What she needed, she possessed all along. That is the same with me as far as I am concerned. I need to step into my power and know my worth.

It is different from Skylar but it is not less or more, just a different perspective altogether.

I should never have allowed myself to be compared to anyone else. I am me. I know my worth. That should be what I always lead with, my character, my core values, and my strength. Just as the blond Alpha is doing right now, not comparing himself to me and being better than me, but being his own true self.

Isn't it funny how Skylar was never my enemy this whole time?

He was the one who said that if Jake ended up with me, then he would be happy for him because he would be taken care of by me. He said I was the only guy he saw his brother being with - which is a compliment in his mind if you notice how protective he is of Seth.

I get that now. It took me probably losing what potentially could be the love of my life to see that. It is a terrible loss and I am heartbroken over it. I am devastated by this loss. I am mourning my beloved Jake and all the love that we had. In my case, still have.

Anyway, it is what it is. I will learn, grow from my mistakes, and regroup.

In the end, I should come out stronger from this experience. Don't ever lose sight of who you are. Don't forget what you are about, and most importantly do not let anyone question yourself and your worth.

I will rise again.

They can't keep a Lockwood down for long.

Even if I have to build myself from the ground up, I will rise like a skyscraper. And nothing will ever get in my way again.

https://youtu.be/r_8ydghbGSg

A|N: Step into your power!

One of the hardest things when you are an online author is to deal with the criticism of where the story is going. Or who ends up with whom. It breaks my heart when I notice that readers abandon the story because they don't like where it is going. It is truly sad. You never know the ending, hell I don't even know it most of the time. But you do you, boo!

I have to separate myself from the equation and leave it to my work to speak for itself. Like I said from the beginning, I know who Jake ends up with in the end. If you like it, great, if you don't, you don't. It's my story. If you are here, it's because you like how I tell it.

You can either live your life or people please, but you can't do both. If I lose my identity then I won't have any readers left. But I do appreciate every single comment, whether good or bad. It's nice communicating with you! I also appreciate those of you who stick with me through thick and thin. You are cherished.

Next is "Happy".

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Don't miss out on the heartbreak! It is going to knock your socks off!

Love,

Léo.